What does one wear to a casual family gathering in the summer?
And will one's choices cause chaos?
You can't please everybody with your fashion choices.
Case in point...
Redditor Throwaway34938 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to change bikinis?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'll start by saying that where I live (not US) is rather hot at the moment and is ''pool party season.'"
"My grandparents own a house with a big pool and so, weekly or bi-weekly my family gather to just have fun and swim."
"My grandparents don't mind since they don't really do anything besides offer the house, we all cook, buy snacks, get the place ready and then clean."
"Two years ago my sister married her now husband who happens to be one of my exes."
"At first I was horrified because they began to date pretty quickly, but now, I don't mind."
"We don't interact much (never have) so at previous gatherings we would just be in on our business. not really caring for the other."
"She's usually with our cousins and our parents while I'm with our grandparents and some aunts/uncles."
"Her husband (whom I'll call Mike) is always there of course, but we don't talk to each other, she's pregnant (26 weeks)."
"Last Sunday we were getting the garden ready when she came to me and asked me to change."
"I was already wearing my bikini with a see-trough dress over it, it was a normal one."
"But I have bigger boobs than her and she was fuming."
"I asked if I had something on it, and she said ''No, but I'm pregnant and I don't feel my best. I don't want Mike looking at you.'"
"I was confused and looked at Mike who was playing with one of my cousins but not really paying attention."
"I said she didn't really have to worry about Mike but this made her angrier."
"And she told me to not act like we were buddies and go change."
"I said ''Sorry, no, I won't change.'"
"She said I was trying to get her husband's attention and I actually laughed because, what the f**k?"
"I said that if it bothered her so much she should've thought of that before getting with my ex."
"My grandpa got in the middle and told us to stop."
"He told my sister I wasn't changing and he asked me to say sorry for my last comment."
"I did and she wasn't happy."
"Later on my mom came to me with another bikini and told me to go change."
"But I just decided to go home."
"And it caused my grandpa to scold both my sister and mom for making his house ''a hostile environment'.'"
"And now they're both mad at me because 'I just should have changed.'"
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared everyone involved was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. Your grandpa was 100% accurate." ~ feathersandheroin
"Hormonal is one thing, that level of very direct insecurity cannot be based on hormones alone."
"I am willing to bet she has always felt insecure about becoming involved and then marrying OP's ex-boyfriend."
"OP You Are NTA!!"
"You were expected to deal with the awkwardness of her dating and then marrying your ex-boyfriend, there is no excuse for expecting you to once again be made to feel awkward in your own family."
"In my opinion you should be celebrated for overcoming the uncomfortable situation created by bringing him into the family, for being comfortable in your own skin."
"And for refusing to allow her to body shame you just because she is insecure." ~ Betrayed_Orphan
"People giving passes for pregnancy always sits funny with me."
"Because I'm told to 'suck it up and not be a d**k' despite having actual diagnosed mental health issues that can make that difficult at times."
"Yet if I was pregnant, I'd be 'hormonal' and 'not an a**hole.'"
"Like, no."
"There can be reasons for acting a certain way, but that doesn't make the behavior okay."
"If I'm rude af to my friend, they 100% have the right to call me out and I want them to call me out."
"There's a difference between understanding the reason behind a shi**y behavior and not going scorched earth because of that understanding and letting someone do whatever they want."
"The grandpa had the right of it here."
"Sis was being a d**k, but OP could have just let it go with 'I'm not changing.'"
"Sis is likely hormonal and dealing with the massive body changes of pregnancy so feeling insecure makes sense."
"That doesn't mean she can dictate what OP wears, but it's not like she randomly decided to slut shame OP for no reason other than funsies either." ~ Elaan21
"There's an old Amazon commercial with a little pony that just wanted to be friends with the nearby horses."
"Lady buys a 'pony door' off amazon and the pony is just so happy to be loved."
"I was pregnant with my daughter when this was big and would full ugly sob every time it was on."
"Hormones are really something else."
"That being said, agree with the previous comments that they don't give you an unlimited pass to take out insecurities on others."
"I did I feel like a planet? Yep."
"But that would be a 'me' problem."
"If she's so worried about the husband."
"What she's really saying is the she doesn't trust her husband. NTA." ~ mskitkatbarr
"Sister is the one who is jealous of her looking good in a bikini."
"Mike didn't care and neither did anyone else."
"She was feeling insecure and she felt that she had the right to remove anything from her sight that made her feel bad about herself."
"Too bad, so sad that she's feeling frumpy."
"That doesn't make her queen and allow her to force everyone within eyesight to have their clothing approved by her so that they don't offend her."
"She's being controlling and grandpa was right to scold her and her mother."
"Sister need to grow up. NTA." ~ babcock27
"NTA. Your grandpa was even on your side, so don't worry too much about it."
"It's obvious that your sister is insecure, since she started dating your ex a little bit after you broke up."
"Maybe she thinks that he's dating her cuz you both look similar?"
"Her insecurities increase during pregnancy."
"But that doesn't mean that she can act like an AH and expect you to change in a pool party that WASN'T EVEN IN HER HOUSE." ~ Karla_I2007
"NTA. If it's warm and you're at the pool, you can wear a bikini."
"And your ex wasn't even paying attention to you."
"Sound like your sister has a lot of insecurity."
"Did she have issues before (like accusing you of trying to get with her guy/you ex)?"
"It may just have been due to hormones." ~ Other_Staff1697
"NTA. Your sister doesn't like the grave she dug for herself."
"Your grandpa was right in how he approached it."
"Your mom, she is just as much an asshole as your sister."
"The only one who would need to be respectful to are your grandparents and they didn't mind the bikini."
"Everyone else is irrelevant." ~ lil-peanutbutter
"NTA. her insecurity is not your problem."
"I hate the notion that bikinis are inherently sexual and by wearing one you are attracting male attention, intentionally or not."
"You did absolutely nothing wrong, you wore a bikini to a pool party, and your refusal to change was completely justified."
"I would've done exactly the same."
"Also your grandpa is the goat."
"Give him a big hug for me." ~ maibearx
"NTA. She seems to not trust her own husband and is feeling insecure about her own body due to the pregnancy."
"Listen, kiddos. You cannot control your partner."
"Who they look at, how they feel, none of it."
"If you don't trust your partner not to cheat, then you shouldn't be with them."
"If the mere act of looking at another breathing human makes you uncomfortable, then you are the problem."
"Your grandpa is awesome, because they did make that house a hostile environment."
"And they should absolutely be ashamed of themselves."
"Go grandpa, he's awesome."
"Your mother and sister nee to grow the hell up." ~ AnthropOctopus
"NTA. It's not your job to ugly up because she's pregnant."
"She literally took your ex."
"That's a big no no girls club code violation to a lot of people... wear what you want."
"She got the guy and his baby."
"She can sit down and be quiet now."
"Enjoy that bikini body." ~ blacksheep9595
Well this is a situation.
Reddit is here for you OP.
You should be able to wear whatever makes you comfortable (within reason in public).
Sounds like your sister may need some therapy.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp