Infertility can be heartbreaking for anyone who wants children. While surrogacy, adoption and foster care are available, they aren’t options everyone has access to.
But is everyone who wants a child entitled to one? If a child is an impossibility, do their family members owe them any special consideration or accommodation?
A sibling being pressured to accommodate his sister’s wishes turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Tall-Ant-4477 asked:
“AITA for telling my sister who can’t have kids that she does not get to be a part of naming mine and my wife’s babies?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My older sister (34, female) was born without the reproductive organs required to have a biological child. Because of her condition, she also has some other health problems which disqualify her from adopting due to the uncertainty around her quality and length of life.”
“Surrogate would pose the same issues. Since the child couldn’t he her bio kid carried being by another woman, an adoption would need to take place and that wouldn’t be approved given her health.”
“She was aware for most of her life that she couldn’t have biological children. That was discovered when she was still very young, but the rest came throughout her 20s.”
“She had dreams of motherhood and had lists of baby names she wanted to use. But she will never be able to use them on children that are hers.”
“What I (28, male) did not know at the time was she had saved her baby names and was hoping she would get to name or help name my future children.
“My wife (27, female) and I are expecting our first child. We haven’t announced the sex, but my sister thinks we’re having a girl and shared her girl names with us.”
“We thanked her and said we (wife and I) would discuss what the name would be at some point. My sister looked upset by the response and she then shared her boy names thinking she got it wrong.”
“We gave her the same response.”
“My mom suggested a couple of months ago that it would be generous and kind to let my sister have some input. I told her we felt it was better if we named our child ourselves.”
“My wife and I did look at the list, just to see if we liked any of the names. We did not.”
“Names on the lists included Elizabeth, Hannah, Rosemary and Francesca for girls and James, Edward, Patrick and Michael for boys. Those just aren’t to our preference. None of them were and there were more names.”
“My sister mentioned the names again recently and she said we should pick Elizabeth for a girl and Michael for a boy. She said that’s what she’d do if she were having the baby.”
“I told her we hadn’t made our mind up yet, but were still in discussions about it. She offered to help and I said no thanks, my wife and I want to figure it out between us.”
“My sister said she wants to be a part of naming all our babies. That she would love to share all her endless thoughts on names that she’ll never get to put into her own kid.”
“I told her I understood she wanted that, but my wife and I as parents would name our child and she does not get to be a part of that. I told her I understood that was hurtful to her, but she does not get a say.”
“I also asked her to please stop bringing it up. My sister told me I could let her have at least a little say in this and I said sorry, but no.”
“I think for her, using the names she had previously chosen would bring her some happiness. So much so that she’s wishing we’d let her do it for our first child and future children.”
“But it isn’t something we’ll okay and I wish she could find some acceptance for that, because I think it’s adding to her hope—this wish for us to just change our mind when it won’t happen.”
“She cried to mom, who thinks we should be more sensitive, while my dad told my sister I wasn’t wrong and she needs to accept that she doesn’t get to name our baby.”
“I think my mom is putting some of her own heartache in the mix. She struggled with secondary infertility between having my sister and having me.”
“I think it can make her more sensitive to what my sister is going through and make her more willing to think she should be accommodated. But it really isn’t helping anyone.”
“My response has caused a divide among my parents and sister and me. It has been made clear my mom thinks I lack compassion and my sister believes I’m hurtful to her.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my sister, who cannot have kids of her own, that she does not get to be a part of naming mine and my wife’s babies. It might be insensitive to not include her in some little way.”
“Maybe like the middle name. My wife and I want to name our child ourselves and to give our child a name that we like and want for our child.”
“But it could be lacking compassion for my sister. The way I handled it might be the issue as well and maybe I should have a more compassionate way to explain this to her.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was mot the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Congratulations on your upcoming baby and also on setting and keeping personal boundaries!”
“Of course, your sister shouldn’t be involved in your decisions about rearing your child, including its name. It’s very sad about your sister’s condition, but that doesn’t change things.”
“Your mom is being weird, though, getting involved and trying to guilt you—your dad is right. And you are right for setting a reasonable boundary together with your wife and sticking to it together.” ~ MistySky1999
“I wouldn’t give them this ground; it may let your sister think she has leeway to influence more of your parenting decisions, to live vicariously through you, or even start seeing your child as hers.”
“I’d also be careful with your mother in this and how she might be enabling or willing to enable your sister. NTA.” ~ lemon_charlie
“Was thinking the same when reading the post. NTA. Where does it stop, naming the child?”
“Joining maternity and pediatric appointments? Deciding how to parent? Which activities to do?”
“Don’t want to think only bad, but this has the potential that OP’s sister gets an unhealthy fixation with the child she named.” ~ Hi__lau
“NTA. It’s sad when someone’s childbearing preferences (in any direction) aren’t possible or aren’t allowed. Adding in not being able to adopt makes that sadness even greater.”
“But that doesn’t mean she gets to take over parts of other people’s experience of having children.”
“You tried to be diplomatic, but her insistence has forced this conflict. Maybe you could have found gentler, kinder words, but I don’t think any way you could have worded it would have prevented the hurt.” ~ KaliTheBlaze
“You seem to have looked into polite, but firm, ways to express your choice and took those into consideration when communicating with your sister.”
“What you said was assertive, but not brash or cruel. You did all you could. NTA.” ~ butterballbabies
“NTA. There isn’t a good way to tell someone no, other than just saying no, unfortunately.
“The bigger concern is your sister getting too attached to the idea that your child is part ‘her’s’ and starts having dreams about adopting your child, or something worse. There have been way too many true stories of that happening.”
“Babies can make some people lose their mind. Good boundaries early seem to help nip this in the bud, especially since you can’t make her get therapy unless things severely escalate.” ~ TheMadMagpielikes
“NTA. A touch odd that she’s SO fixated on your letting her choose the name of your children, as opposed to expressing the desire to be an active and awesome aunt.”
“I very much sympathize with her predicament, but that doesn’t mean she gets to name your kids.
“If she wants to name living things so much, she could get some goldfish or hamsters or houseplants. Some people suggested dogs or cats, but those are longtime commitments requiring a lot of work and it doesn’t sound like your sister is in the best headspace.”
“Better to start small and work her way up.” ~ fallingintopolkadots
“If you let her name your kids, she will feel even more entitled to them because ‘She named them’.”
“She will want to be in the delivery room. She will expect parenting time as well.”
“Be very vigilant when your wife gives birth, and your sister shows up at your house every day. Both your mom and sister need therapy. NTA.” ~ _A-Q
While it’s unfortunate that OP’s sister can’t have children, the internet agreed it doesn’t mean her brother or sister-in-law owe her anything.
Hopefully she and her mother will someday figure that out.