The time between getting engaged and getting married always seems to feel so stressful.
Either you have a set time and date and you’re struggling to get everything planned and done in time, or you don’t have a set date and everyone around you is pressuring you to decide.
Redditor NeedleworkerUseful51 has another issue, and it concerns her sister. After the original poster (OP) announced her engagement and date for her wedding, her sister got upset, since she’s been engaged longer.
What can OP do but ask the “Am I the A**hole” subReddit if she was wrong to set her date already?
She asked the board:
“AITA for getting married before my sister who got engaged before me?”
The sisters are close, but this was an issue.
“My sister’s boyfriend proposed about 2 years ago. At that time they had only been dating for 1.5 years, so while everyone was happy for them, it was quite a shock.”
“We asked if they were going down the traditional route and get married within a year, but they said that they were not and would maybe get married in 2-3 years.”
“At the time of their engagement, my boyfriend and I had been together for 4 years and were not engaged. A couple of weeks back my boyfriend proposed and I said yes. We announced it and also set a date for out wedding which will be in a couple of months.”
“My sister and I are very close, but she seemed pretty put off by our announcement for some reason. I asked her about it and she confessed that she thought I was being inconsiderate by getting married before her, since she got engaged earlier.”
“Personally, I feel like you can’t expect other people not to get married just because you are engaged. It would be one thing if they got engaged and set a date, but they both said that they would probably wait for a couple of years to get married.”
“I asked her if they were planning something soon and if that was why she was upset, but she said that was not the case.”
“Since we are close and usually get along, I wonder if I really did something wrong based on her reaction. I can understand that they might have wanted to get married first, but it also seems weird to expect my boyfriend and I to just wait for who knows how long to get married.”
OP is clearly distraught that she might have stepped on her sister’s toes, but did she do the wrong thing? To find out, commenters on AITA board vote about whether or not OP is the a**hole.
This is done with one of the following comments:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
There is something to be said for the social expectation for setting wedding dates. It’s really easy to upset someone else, especially when you schedule a date before or too close to someone else.
But OP’s sister hasn’t set a date at all, and has been sitting on the engagement for two years. There isn’t really anything OP is ruining.
OP was NTA to set her wedding date whenever she wanted.
“NTA – Does she really expect no one to get married for 5-8 years while they make up their minds? Soooo NTA.”
“That being said, you might try to be kind, in case her real problem is her boyfriend proposed with no plan to actually get married and she wants to get married badly.”
“If she really isn’t ready to get married too, then she is very self centered..” – Mysterious-Wish8398
“Agree. Plus by the sister’s own logic it was inconsiderate of her and her bf to get engaged first since OP has been in a relationship longer.” – JoKing917
“NTA she doesnt get to call firsties and savsies.” – Otherwise-Table1935
“It’s not a race. What’s next? You got divorced before me?” – Alternative_Year_340
“You shouldn’t have to wait for her to get married.”
“Plus she had plenty of chances to marry before you and didn’t, so that’s on her” – Master-Manipulation
Other commenters discussed and speculated on the situation the sister is in. If you’ve ever had a long engagement, you know the kind of pressure family can have for you to set a date.
It’s entirely possible she’s feeling the same and lashing out because of it.
“NTA. She’s making it seem like you maliciously planned to get married before her, when obviously that’s not the case.”
“You said it yourself, just because she’s engaged, doesn’t mean other people can’t get married as well.” – Delicious-Fuel-5734
“I don’t think she’s making it seem like they did so maliciously, she’s suggesting that they were inconsiderate in doing so. Malice and negligence are different.”
“The issue with her idea is that it only makes sense to think of planning your wedding before someone else is married as wrongdoing if you did it maliciously.”
“I don’t think you owe people any consideration in happening to plan a wedding before them, so you can’t negligently plan a wedding first.” – goodcleanchristianfu
“Is it possible shes sensing her spouse doesn’t want to marry her? And that’s why the wedding isn’t happening vs her wanting to wait.”
“So it’s become a sensitive topic that is now spilling over into her relationship with you?” – electricstaplerchan
“Maybe? I’ll try to talk to her about it when she’s calmed down a bit” – NeedleworkerUseful51 (OP)
“She’s likely also getting questions from family about when she’s getting married, prompted by your announcement. Some may be nosy, some may just be about planning, but that wouldn’t make them less annoying, whether she’s ok with waiting to get married or not.”
“It’s not a reason you should wait, though, just as she shouldn’t’ve waited to get engaged (and didn’t) to spare you questions about that.” – calling_water
OP’s sister is allowed to feel her feelings, but she needs to work through why she feels them. OP is more than justified to get engaged and set her own wedding date.
Even societal rules really only dictate that OP not set her date super close to when the sister sets hers, whenever that may be.
But communication and openness about their feelings with the sisters is really what’s necessary.