Weddings are events that have entire books devoted to the etiquette for the couple getting married, their families, and guests.
But is there etiquette for wedding gifts?
You betcha!
What about wedding gifts for a couple that divorced but then decided to get remarried?
Yep, there’s wedding etiquette for pretty much everything that might happen.
According to Peggy Post—etiquette authority Emily Post’s great-granddaughter-in-law—as reported in the New York Times:
“Technically, a gift for a remarrying couple is optional, as traditional etiquette says that those who gave a gift for a first wedding don’t need to give gifts again.”
But just because The Emily Post Institute says the gift is optional doesn’t mean the couple not getting another present won’t be salty about it.
A woman found herself in conflict with her second-time bride-to-be sister over this very issue, so they turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for a sanity check.
Pollock701 asked:
“AITA for not gifting my sister a second wedding gift?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Two years ago my sister married her high school love after they were together for about eight years. For their wedding, I bought them a pretty expensive couch (7.6k$) because it was on their wedding wishlist for the closer family.”
“Back then she was absolutely stunned by the gift and said it was the best one she got. However, they got divorced around half a year later, and I still have no clue why.”
“But after a year break, six months ago they got back together, and awhile ago, they decided that they want to marry again. And again in a church with a big wedding like the first time.”
“I have nothing against that but today she sent me and my family another wishlist for this wedding and my family, who all gifted her stuff worth around 500-600$ last time, don’t have a problem with that.”
“But since my gift was more than 10x more expensive than that I informed her that she’s not getting another one unless it’s a gift card for about 100$. She completely freaked out and said it’s her wedding and how I could be so selfish.”
“My family is on her side so I don’t know if I am the a**hole or not.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA at all. She’s not even marrying someone new??”
“She’s lucky you’re giving up another Saturday to attend a 2nd wedding for her doomed toxic marriage.
“The way you told her could’ve been more tactful and diplomatic, but she can whine and cry about it on her 7k couch (how she’s not still just immensely grateful for a 7k COUCH is beyond me). NTA!” ~ rickydickricardo
“NTA, if they separate and get back together a 1000 times in the next 50 years, that would be more than a million dollars extorted from family and friends.” ~ LimitlessMegan
“Personally, I’d be gifting them some sessions to a couple’s therapist.” ~ Reasonable-Bad-769
“We did not ask for presents for our first wedding!”
“It was a really small event in a courthouse on a WEEKDAY, so we only asked the guests to attend and spend their precious time with us.”
“I remember we even said, ‘you can come with flip flops and a Hawaiian shirt on, if you want!’.”
“Asking for a new gift for a 2nd wedding with the same man in ~2 years is insane. NTA.” ~ NaivMolylepke
“You are most definitely NTA! I’m blown away that they expect gifts at all! And to even have a wedding of more than say…4 people!”
“In 2020, I was cleaning out our garage for a trans-Atlantic move and found wedding gifts, still in their original boxes, from 1994! We had never used them…although, to be fair, we tried to return them, but the crystal pattern was a discontinued Waterford, I believe my aunt got at an outlet.” ~ BuzzFabbs
“NTA—I’d get her a nice throw blanket & accent pillows to go on the exorbitantly priced couch you bought for her last time. Add a note hoping she is still enjoying her once-in-a-lifetime gift.” ~ dncrmom
“Did her marriage not work the first time because she’s super entitled?”
“Newsflash: people don’t generally get gifts for a second+ wedding.”
“It sounds like she’s just looking to turn this into a gift grab. Don’t buy into it. NTA.” ~ cbm984
“The point of wedding gifts are (historically) to help the (presumably) young newlyweds to set up a household.”
“OP (and everyone else at the first wedding) already did that. To this exact couple.”
“The second time around you should be grateful for a ‘Congratulations!’ and not a ‘What? Again? Didn’t you two just divorce?’ or an ‘Happy do-over!’.”
“The entitlement. NTA.” ~ Purple-Garden77
“And only 2 years later! The audacity of even having a wedding, let alone asking for expensive gifts!”
“I’m not against 2nd marriages. I’m on my 2nd one myself! But I had the decency to marry a different person ten years later when I had my 2nd wedding.” ~ On_my_last_spoon
“I mean, if it’s your 50th-anniversary party and you took some time apart before remarrying or a vow renewal—that might be a good reason for another nice gift.”
“But OP’s family should not be enabling sister for a second big wedding and gift grab to the same guy two years later.” ~ madlyqueen
“Sweet Jesus, how entitled. She’s lucky to get the $100 gift card.”
“She already got $7600 from you for marrying the exact same dude. NTA.” ~ KronkLaSworda
“NTA. Honestly, grubbing for gifts for a second wedding (unless you literally need to restock a kitchen) is pretty tacky.”
“She’s remarrying the same person—WTF?” ~ C_Majuscula
“NTA. The greed is strong in this one.”
“She’s marrying the same guy. I wouldn’t give any gift whatsoever.”
“You’ve already gifted for this marriage. ‘Lather, rinse, repeat’ doesn’t call for a new round of gifts.” ~ extinct_diplodocus
“I would say NTA, but I don’t do wedding gifts for a second wedding at all, but especially not for a remarriage.”
“I’m not gifting someone something because they can’t make up their mind.”
“Like seriously, 8 years together & divorced before they even make it 2 years, just to get married to each other again after a year?”
“Lol no, that’s utterly ridiculous & I’m not giving a gift to that.” ~ No-Function223
“NTA—she’s marrying the exact same guy for the second time? Ridiculous gift grab.”
“Send the gift card and avoid the wedding. Or avoid the wedding and the gift card.” ~ toosheeptheorist
“NTA. Tell her you’re not supposed to get gifts when you remarry, especially not when it’s between the same couple.”
“If they and your family keep acting out, I would recommend having something important to attend to that day.”
“I at least wouldn’t want to come after that.” ~ Dharling97
“NTA. You’re never obligated to give expensive gifts, and given that they choose to have a second wedding doesn’t mean they can act entitled to equal gifts.”
“You shouldn’t have said anything and just given her $100 and a card.” ~ ncslazar7
“NTA. Second wedding in as many years, and she expects gifts? Even expecting families’ attendance is a stretch.”
“I’m trying to figure out how they even managed to get legally divorced and back together and remarried that fast.” ~ No_Location_5565
“NTA. Your first gift was hugely generous, and she’s being selfish and entitled. I think it was tacky for her to gift-grab like this from her family and tacky to the 10th degree to do it again!”
“Even for a perfect angel, I would not get a big gift for a second wedding to the same person. I’d do a $50 gift card to a store and call it a day.”
“However, since your sister is being such a brat, I would get her a card only. Or make a donation in their name.” ~ friendlily
“NTA seems like your sis is getting married again for the gifts. So pathetic.”
“I wouldn’t even expect gifts for a second wedding especially to the same man. They need lots of couple’s therapy.” ~ Flower0987654321
“NTA. It’s a wedding, the start of her (re)married life with her husband.”
“You send out invites for a wedding. An invite is neither a summons nor an invoice.”
“If you receive gifts, receive them with thanks. If not, let it go.”
“You gave your sister an astonishingly generous gift the first time she got married. It is outrageous that she thinks she can demand more.” ~ Some-Selection1811
“NTA. Just send a congratulations on your wedding card with a business card from a divorce attorney enclosed.” ~ PrscheWdow
No one thought there were no a**holes here or that the OP was the a**hole (NAH/YTA).
“Meh, ESH. She’s a bit presumptuous that a gift is required and handing out a shopping list and calling you selfish (it sounds so childish when adults direct it to other adults).”
“Still, it’s a wedding. Just like you don’t go to birthday or anniversary parties without a gift, you don’t go to weddings without sending a gift. It doesn’t have to be on the list, though.”
“Presumably, they have a couch. Go with something similar to what you’d get a couple renewing their vows (which is what they are doing here) or celebrating their anniversary.” ~ Aunt_Anne
The OP provided an update.
“I am officially not invited anymore, and her ex and future husband told me that if I ever talk to ‘his girl’ again, I am going to regret it because I ruined their special day.”
While things didn’t turn out the way the OP might have wanted, it seems like there are much larger issues in this relationship.