How active a person wants to be right after giving birth varies from person to person, because everyone’s bodies and birth experiences are different.
While some people might not mind attending a wedding two weeks after giving birth, another might find all the sitting to be agony. If they’re breastfeeding, that’s another thing to consider.
A pregnant woman who wants to attend her twin sister’s wedding, but doesn’t think it’s possible, turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to ask a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) question for feedback.
AstronautDeep1476 asked:
“WIBTA for not attending my twin sister’s wedding two weeks after my firstborn’s due date as she expects all family to meet the baby before the wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m pregnant with my firstborn child with a due date in mid-October.”
Some back story: I had a real good and deep relationship to my twin sister before, we live nearby. She got pregnant before with her first child, but lost it in the first trimester, she was devastated for months, especially when I got pregnant later that year.”
“She reduced contact massively then, which I assumed was due to her feelings after her lost child. In family gatherings (our parents live nearby, too) she mainly ignored me and the fact that I am pregnant, our family kept quiet about any pregnancy topics while she was there.”
“They all knew the due date.”
“Back to topic: She got pregnant again, which I think is great! She and her partner want to marry before it’s due, so she sent out invitations for her wedding now.”
“I think the date is the day they first met.”
“The problem: It’s two weeks after the due date of my child. It would be week 43, so the doctors would induce labour before that (at least here).”
“Most likely we could manage that, maybe just come for 1-2 hours. But: She only wants the baby to attend if all our close family get to know it before—she made clear that it would not be welcome otherwise.”
“I understand her position that she wants that day for ‘herself and her partner’. We would keep in the background anyway—it’s THEIR day and I don’t want to take any attention from it.”
“The current situation would mean to meet three different groups in early postpartum which I absolutely do not want—either it will be super stressful for me or it will be a ‘5 minutes see the baby at the door and leave’-style, which I also do not want to be the way we introduce our child to our family.”
“My partner says he feels not invited to a wedding when his newborn child has to fulfil tasks and meet expectations to be invited, too. His strict opinion would be not to go.”
“But it is my twin sister and I would love to attend her wedding, but I’m already super stressed about that entire topic.”
“My fear of why I could be the AH is that my family and my sister will set met up as the bad person in the situation, that I should have done everything I could to get to that wedding.”
“My family already mentioned that a wedding two weeks later should be perfectly fine for us and why we don’t stay the entire day and not just a few hours as we planned.”
“But I don’t know if they know about her requirements and how they will react to them.”
“I could imagine them saying that we should prioritize a wedding and ‘just get done with meeting everyone before’, especially as they are already unhappy not to meet directly in hospital or shortly after.”
“WIBTA for not attending my twin sister’s wedding?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“This is a WIBTA, so for (1) I am planning about not to attend my twin sister’s wedding and (2) that very action could make me the a**hole.”
“You know, it is my twin sister’s wedding, which I should attend. But I just don’t feel well with the circumstances and I fear my sisters and my family’s judgement, as they might put me as the a**hole in that situation and not the requirements set upon me and my child.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/WNBTA).
“Taking a two week old baby to a family gathering is a TERRIBLE idea. That baby has no immune system, everyone is going to want to hold them, and whether they met baby before that day or not, they’re going to focus their attention on the newborn.”
“Your sister is going to get angrier every time baby cries or someone coos over them.”
“This is your twin sister, though. I think the best option would be for YOU to go to the wedding alone, and just attend the ceremony (this is assuming the wedding is within ten or fifteen minutes of home).”
“Do something splashy for the reception—a nice piece of jewelry or floral display for your sister, maybe some pretty crystal stemware, I don’t know, but something along with a card saying ‘So sorry I couldn’t be there but I am so happy for you and can’t wait for our babies to grow up together!’.”
“You could maybe even do a video toast to be played at the reception. But two weeks postpartum is not a good time for baby OR mom to be at a large formal event.”
“NTA, if you don’t attend, but making some effort will go a long way towards not dealing with the drama for the rest of your life.” ~ Bubbly_Chicken_9358
“Two weeks after my first baby’s due date, my baby was only 1 day old. The due date isn’t set in stone. I wouldn’t even be considering going to that wedding at all, especially with those stipulations!” ~ Trieske333
“Most babies don’t come on their due date, and first babies are notorious for being late arrivers.”
“Even excluding cluster feeds and baby needing mommy at 2 weeks (or less) old and excluding bringing a vulnerable newborn to a big gathering, I could not sit without excruciating pain 2 weeks after giving birth.”
“I’d say maybe, plan to have hubby and baby stay home or hang out close by and go to the ceremony only and only if you feel up to it.”
“Whatever you do, don’t say yes before the day is there, and you know how your body is feeling.” ~ missThora
“Mine was 5 days old two weeks after my due date. No way would I have gone to the wedding bleeding, leaking and so tired.” ~ Prize_Regular_6036
“NTA. I have news for your family, a due date is not a set date. Statistically, only 5% of babies are born then.”
“First babies are more likely to be born past the due date 80%, in the first week 70%, which leaves a not small likelihood that you will be in your first week postpartum at the wedding if you attended.”
“Also, baby shouldn’t be around a giant crowd of the unwashed, and if you’ll be breastfeeding, you won’t be able to attend without baby. And that’s before we talk about c-sections and tears.”
“They set this up for you to fail (they knew your due date), I’d just gracefully say no now. Then if you can show up for the ceremony, it’ll be a lovely surprise.” ~ o2low
“Definitely agree that OP has been set up to fail.”
“If she brings the baby and it disrupts things by being hungry/tired/cute, the sister will blame her.”
“If she doesn’t bring the baby, everyone will be asking her where it is and the sister will blame her.”
“If she doesn’t go, regardless of gift, video, etc the sister will blame her.”
“OP, I think you basically need to accept what level of ‘villain’ you’re going to be painted as and go with that option. I’m sorry circumstances are what they are, but you’re not to blame for your sister’s miscarriage and should be allowed to enjoy being pregnant and having your baby without all of this additional stress.”
“As for other family members trying to make out like bringing a 2-week-old to a wedding isn’t stressful and not the best idea, they are looking at it through selfish eyes, as in they want to meet the baby etc… Ignore them!”
“I attended a wedding when my first baby was approximately 6 weeks old, breastfed underneath the blazer I was wearing, and it went well, BUT it wasn’t family so people weren’t clamouring to meet the new person. Would I have done it at only a couple of weeks? Hell no!!” ~ skargasm
“NTA. Your family shouldn’t be putting you in this situation, especially when they know your due date.”
“Statistically, you’re unlikely to be ready for travel so soon after childbirth, and they’re asking a lot from you. It’s not selfish to want to be with your baby and recover without added stress.” ~ LetsPlayNaughty94
“First of all, stop letting people dictate what you do with your family. You need to keep your baby safe.”
“If your parents and sister can’t or won’t understand your reasons for not going, then let them have a hissy fit. Do they let you tell them how to live their lives?” ~ Outrageous-Banana905
While the OP might want to support her sister, she needs to do what’s best for her snd her baby.
That may mean missing her sister’s wedding.