Family is meant to be a built-in foundation of love and support.
But human beings don’t always mesh the way they were meant to.
And this issue can fester and lead to a lot of emotional trauma.
Redditor Alternative-Rest3831 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to be excited for my sister (29F) about her pregnancy when she has never met my (26F) children (3M) (2M)?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My sister (29 F[emale]) and I (26F) have always had a troubled relationship and have never seen eye to eye.”
“However we do love each other and would hang out and get along as best as we could when we were younger.”
“The problems all started when I got married to my husband (30 M[ale]) five years ago and had two children shortly after.”
“Throughout my pregnancy, my sister didn’t bother to check on me and completely took herself out of my life.”
“I just assumed she was jealous or had some type of issue with me being pregnant.”
“I was not prepared for what would happen after my first son (3M) was born.”
“She asked me for a picture of him shortly after he was born when we had not spoken the whole time I had been pregnant.”
“I thought that maybe this was a turning point for us, and we could finally get along.”
“I was very wrong.”
“She has never met either of my sons.”
“I have offered to bring them to see her numerous times, but there was always an excuse.”
“She never asked me how they were doing or showed any interest in them.”
“My sister has even boasted about other kids that are her friend’s children but seems to hate her own nephews.”
“I am so confused.”
“The problem has now got even more complicated now that she has announced she is pregnant.”
“I am happy for her, but I am still hurt with how she has treated my children and how she treated me during my pregnancy.”
“My mum (65 F) says I’m being selfish and to just let it go and be excited for her, but I’m finding it difficult.”
“I am super excited for her to be a mum, but I can’t forget how she treated me.”
“I want to have a relationship with my niece or nephew, but I also don’t know how possible that would be.”
“I have reached out to my sister to resolve the issues we have, but she is genuinely not interested in resolving anything.”
“She has only got in contact because she is now pregnant.”
“Also, my mum has tried to talk to her, but she isn’t interested and doesn’t give her a reason why she doesn’t want to see my kids either.”
“I do think it’s important to note that my mum wasn’t happy about my pregnancies either and has not made an effort either.”
“I was 23 when I had my first baby and my mum thought I was too young and refused to be supportive through my pregnancy and did it again with my second.”
“I think I almost feel like I have to be excited for her because she’s my sister and I love her.”
“A little bit more context I am a people pleaser I have always just apologized and let things slide in the past even if they really hurt me.”
The OP set out some clear boundaries with her mother and sister.
“I’ve spoken to my mum and I’ve set a boundary with her that she needs to stop pushing me to talk to my sister.”
“I have asked that she apologize for how she treated me during my pregnancy and after, and if she can do that, then we can work on our relationship.”
“Then we spent a few hours chatting and she didn’t see what she did wrong and so L[ow] C[ontact] for a while.”
“My sister is continuing to contact me asking me to plan a baby shower and I have as of now not responded.”
But her sister couldn’t help but push back.
“She has been blowing up my phone ever since she asked for a baby shower.”
“I’ve muted her on everything.”
“She is adamant that I need to plan this baby shower and be involved and to not ruin her special moment.”
“She’s also using the we are adopted card and saying how I’m her only real sister, but where has she been when I needed her?”
“I will be speaking to my sister as soon as I’m sure I know what to say.”
“She makes me nervous, and I don’t want to get sidetracked with what I want to say.”
Then the OP drew a line in the sand.
“I have spoken to my sister and told her I will not be planning her baby shower, the reaction was pretty volatile, yelling and cursing.”
“She said I have never been happy for her and that I should be more mature.”
“I addressed the fact that she hurt me when she didn’t have contact with my children or even seemed to care about them.”
“She openly responded that she doesn’t care about my ‘brats’ and that her child will be better off than mine are.”
“I told her she can’t pick me up and drop me when she feels like it.”
“I congratulated her and ended the call soon after this as I didn’t want to hear any more from her.”
“She did admit to the fact that my mum has been feeding her information about my children whenever she asks, which makes me angry.”
“I do not know how I will proceed from here.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Sometimes boundaries set by a spouse make it easier to adhere to them.”
“It helped me to go L[ow] C[ontact] with my sibling if I was by myself, I would have given in.” ~ llmcr
“I would say N[o] C[ontact], not LC.”
“You don’t need that negativity in your family’s life.”
“She is continuing to press your buttons and you continue to be bothered by it.”
“Cut loose, move on, and be happy with your husband and sons.”
“Mother is on dodgy ground too!” ~ marshian29
“Do NOT plan a baby shower for her.”
“It’s time to mirror back the same energy she has been giving you.”
“Likewise with your mother.”
“No playing nicey-nice.”
“No being a big bad b**yotch.”
“Just ‘Oh, that’s lovely, dear’ and keep knitting, etc. NTA!” ~ Critical-Wear5802
“Your husband is right.”
“Put in the same energy as her.”
“Stop initiating calls, put her on ‘mute’ if it even matters.”
“Those asking you to placate your sister are TA.”
“You don’t need to be a people pleaser or ‘keep the peace.'”
“Be indifferent.”
“‘That’s nice. Anyway, fine weather we’ve been having.'”
“It may change your relationship with your sister’s supporters.”
“But do you really want to continue to be a doormat to your golden child sister? NTA.” ~ HighlyImprobable42
“NTA. I think your sister cannot see that the world doesn’t revolve around her.”
“She will never apologize (and neither will Mom).”
“She will expect you to cater to her during her pregnancy and after.”
“Mom wants you to ‘go along to get along’ because she doesn’t want to deal with the issue. Don’t.”
“Make yourself and your family your priority.”
“DO NOT plan or host a shower for your sister.”
“It will be a miserable experience for you and nothing will please her.”
“Let her find her own way, as you had to.” ~ Ducky818
“You’ll be doing yourself a disservice by apologizing and moving on.”
“Your sister will make everything about her and her baby and still treat you and your kids like crap.”
“Set the boundary, your sister can either sort things out and behave better or go LC.”
“If your mother feels things need to be fixed, she can advocate to your sister.”
“Being a people pleaser and having it affect your life is one thing.”
“Now your kids are involved.”
“They deserve better treatment and you need to be the one who sees to that.” ~ controversialmind737
“I’m so sorry, OP.”
“That’s gotta sting.”
“However, as I suppose you know, there is no sense in getting your children wrapped up in their disapproval.”
“Just live your best life with your kiddies and husband.”
“Stay away from the toxicity of your family–that will be best for kiddies, and you.” ~ PickleNotaBigDill
“My sister did the same thing!”
“We are not in contact now.”
“I had to threaten my mom with NC because she kept pushing me to be in her kids’ lives even though she wouldn’t meet mine.”
“I never got a reason for her ignoring my children for close to a decade now.”
“NTA at all.” ~ sleepyslothpajamas
“NTA. My first thought was that she’s after hand me down baby gear.” ~ Pretty_Assistant1310
“I think so, too.”
“I would just take them (old baby items) to the Salvation Army and have them to go people that really need them.”
“Sister sucks.”
“There’s no coming back from this.”
“She’s shown you who she truly is.”
“Believe her.”
“I don’t think this relationship is salvageable.”
“Also, it appears she may be the golden child.”
“Your mom seems to be glossing over and dismissive of your sister’s toxic behavior toward you and your children.”
“I would go low contact/no contact with them both. NTA.” ~ BohoFox1
“NTA. There’s a real difference here in emotion and action.”
“You do not have to be excited about potential nibling here, and certainly not about her or her pregnancy.”
“Should you send her a card or something?”
“Basic congratulations GIF on Facebook or Messenger or something? Sure.”
“Doing nothing and ignoring her would be A-holery.”
“But not checking in on her, not reaching out… treating her exactly as she has treated you is perfectly fine.”
“Send a card, and forget about her until it’s time to meet up at some family gathering.”
“Sometimes cousins don’t meet for years at a time if that’s the family dynamics.” ~ rockology_adam
“NTA. Why would you be excited?”
“Your sister has shown you that milestones like this in your respective lives are not to be celebrated by the other sibling in any way, shape, or form.” ~ bobofiddlesticks
“Right? You’re just following her lead.”
“I’m guessing she’s the favorite going by your mom’s reaction.”
“I wouldn’t even acknowledge her pregnancy at all in your shoes.”
“She’d be nothing but a distant acquaintance who I used to know at this point. NTA.” ~ nj-rose
“NTA. It’s good that you are happy for her and I don’t think it’s wrong to show false excitement when you genuinely aren’t.”
“The fact that you tried to connect with her and introduce your kids but she still hasn’t met them on her own excuses.” ~ Typical-Composer5222
“NTA… she made it clear the kind of relationship she wants.”
“While it’s sad that you will miss out on your own niece or nephew, I’d say it’s not worth the trouble to attempt a relationship further.”
“You can tell your mom that you tried and tell her that she’s free to have a talk to your sister on your behalf to figure out why she is so distant with your kids but you’re done.”
“You did all you could.”
“Now preserve your own heart and don’t let her hurt you more.” ~ Informal_Candy_2814
“Your sister doesn’t care about you or your kids.”
“She’s made that clear.”
“I don’t know why you think you should be excited for her, but I guess I’m missing something.”
“I think, though, that you shouldn’t stress over it.”
“Live your life with your kids and people who do care about you.” ~ FormerlyDKNTA.
“Share as many congratulations with her as you would a work colleague… who has never met your kids.”
“Then move on to the next T[est] P[rogram] S[et] report.”
“NTA. She only got in contact now because she is pregnant, hell no.”
“Nuh huh. Nope.”
“She made her bed, she can lay in it and you can go and be free from anything having to do with her.”
“Sucks but hey, protect yourself, and don’t let people walk all over your boundaries.” ~ LittleKji
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is a sad situation you’re in.
You focus on your own family.
Let your Mum and sister figure this all out for themselves.
You deserve better.