When people have big news, they want to share it with the people they love.
But what if more than one person has news to share? Is it OK for everyone to share their news at the same family event?
A woman was left wondering that after her sister got upset with her for making an announcement after hers. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
PixieDustWink asked:
"AITA: Am I the Asshole for Upstaging My Sister's Wedding Announcement with My Adoption News?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I have been in the process of adopting a child for the past two years. It's been an emotional roller coaster, and only a handful of close family and friends knew about it because I didn't want to jinx it until everything was final."
"My older sister, let's call her Emma, got engaged around the same time I started the adoption process."
"Our family has been thrilled, planning for her big day next summer."
"Emma's always been the type to love attention, but I've been supportive and helped with preparations whenever I could."
"This past weekend, I received the final confirmation: the adoption had gone through, and I was officially going to be a mom. Overjoyed, I wanted to tell my family in person, so I thought our regular Sunday family dinner at our parents' house would be perfect."
"Well, as it turns out, Emma had a similar idea. She planned to announce her wedding venue and date at the same dinner without telling anyone."
"The dinner started, and everyone was in good spirits. Before I could share my news, Emma stood up, clinking her glass for attention, and beamed as she revealed her wedding plans."
"Our family burst into excited chatter, and in that moment, I felt like my news could wait until later in the evening, or even another day."
"But then, my mom, who was one of the few who knew about the adoption, gave me a knowing look and mouthed, 'Now's the perfect time!'."
"Caught up in the emotion and encouraged by my mom's enthusiasm, I stood up and announced, "And I have some news too—I'm going to be a mom! The adoption is final!"
"The room erupted."
"Half the family rushed towards me, showering me with congratulations. But when I looked at Emma, her face had fallen. She excused herself from the table and didn't return for the rest of the evening."
"After the dinner, my parents and several relatives said that while they were happy for me, I should have waited and not 'stolen Emma's thunder'.?"
"Emma texted me saying I was an a**hole for upstaging her on purpose and that I could have chosen any other day to announce my news."
"My intention wasn't to overshadow her announcement, and now I feel torn up about it. Emma and I haven't spoken since, and the family is divided on whether I was insensitive or if it was just an unfortunate coincidence."
"So, Reddit, am I the a**hole for sharing my adoption news on the same night as my sister's wedding venue announcement?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I believe I might be the a**hole because I chose to announce my successful adoption at the family dinner where my sister had planned to reveal her wedding venue and date."
"Even though it wasn't premeditated, I shared my news immediately after hers, which divided the family's attention and made some relatives accuse me of trying to upstage her on what was supposed to be her special moment."
"My actions directly affected my sister, leading to her feeling overshadowed and upset during a time that was meant to be dedicated to her and her fiancé."
"Emma's accusation and her hurt feelings have caused me to think that perhaps my timing was insensitive, and I should have waited for a more appropriate moment to announce my own good news."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The vast majority of Redditors felt the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA - First off, congratulations on your adoption going through, that's amazing news."
"Good grief though, your sister is an adult, right? Venue reveal? Seriously? The only response to someone telling you the venue for a wedding is 'oh that sounds nice'."
"It's not something to 'celebrate' or go huffy over if someone else has even better news. It's barely even news!"
"And your parents are being as ridiculous as your sister. She's not a child—although throwing a temper tantrum over this does make you wonder—and indulging her over this makes them as silly as she is."
"Wedding culture has been an out of control monster for a long time with the most idiotic behaviour being excused because 'she's a bride,' but I think your sister has managed to find a new low and your family are utter clowns for indulging her in this nonsense." ~ history_buff_9971
"NTA. It's not like you announced it at her wedding—she doesn't have monopoly over what family news is allowed to be shared at family dinners."
"People who think everything related to their choosing to get married is more important than everything else in others' lives sh*t me to tears." ~ plastic_venus
"NTA. She didn't announce her engagement, she announced the venue and date. Given that everyone knew she is getting married next summer, that's only a little more thunderous than announcing what's she's picked for the entrée."
"And a family dinner is low key enough that sharing good news isn't like you announcing it at her engagement party or shower."
"What's up with your mom though, urging you to share the news than scolding you for doing do?" ~ mocktailqueen
"NTA—I hate the false equivalency here. Becoming a mom and setting a date (for a wedding everyone knows is coming) are not equal announcements."
"Your sister should have been happy for you….because this is huge. Congratulations." ~ Remarkable_Buyer4625
A small group did think the OP was wrong (YTA) to steal their sister's thunder.
"Yes. YTA. You knew it was wrong which is why you hesitated. You're no less the AH if someone else talked you into it."
"Your mom is the ultimate AH if she later criticized you for your timing." ~ rchart1010
"YTA, but a very minor one."
"Everyone is getting hung up on the venue/date not being a big deal (and it isn't), but to Emma it was. To announce anything that is important to you and then have someone instantly chime in with much bigger news absolutely sucks."
"It doesn't matter if Emma was announcing that she found a nickel in her pocket, having something you are excited about sharing and then being one upped before the chatter even died down has to feel like a punch to the gut." ~ Fall-Z
"YTA - It's honestly weird to have a big announcement for a wedding venue, but it was clearly important to her."
"You could have announced it at the next regular dinner OR pulled your sister aside to tell her and ask if she minded sharing the spotlight."
"I can almost guarantee she would have been fine with it if she hadn't felt blindsided." ~ FlaxFox
However many felt there was no "thunder" to steal from a date and venue reveal.
"NTA. A venue reveal isn't a thing. It doesn't need a full on announcement beyond being on the invitation."
"I'm afraid I don't think I'd be able to take it seriously if someone did a venue announcement. That's full on princess behaviour." ~ Top_Barnacle9669
"Next up cake reveal, dress and makeup reveal, dinner menu reveal, shoes reveal, color theme reveal, itinerary reveal, table decoration reveal, guest signing book reveal…." ~ whatproblems
"'Everybody listen up!' *clink-clink-clink* 'I just found the perfect napkins for my reception!'." ~ Sweetsmyle
"Your mum's the Arsehole. She's backtracked and dumped you in the sh*t."
"I can understand getting caught up in the excitement. Besides it's not like she's announcing the engagement. It's just a where and when."
"Since when is that a big fanfare. She's an arse too for expecting everyone to fawn over every minute detail of her wedding."
"Not everything needs an announcement. That's going to get very boring." ~ CarefulNow-
"Are you kidding me with this immature bs? She's upset because you 'upstaged' her venue reveal‽‽"
"I was prepared to call YTA from the title, thinking your sister had announced her engagement, but absolutely NTA. She's already had all the attention when she got engaged, she can't dominate every family meal going forward with wedding talk and expect everyone else's big important news to fall to the wayside."
"She sounds horrendous and entitled and your family are wrong to support this behaviour."
"Congratulations on your amazing adoption news, I'm sorry your sister and family have put a damper on your excitement." ~ Ehlana494
With a few laying the sarcasm on thick about the importance of the venue reveal.
"I can't believe you had the audacity to announce your impending parenthood at the same dinner as your sister's Venue Reveal. Do you not understand the gravity of what she's been robbed of?"
"A bride dreams of her Venue Reveal from childhood. She plans it all out, every word, every gesture, every single moment. It all has to go perfectly."
"She will play it over and over in her mind, adjusting and altering each and every detail until it's just right. She will stay up nights, sleepless with anticipation, as she approaches it, her Big Day, the Venue Reveal."
"She imagines the nervous energy crackling through the room. Everyone knows something is happening. They can feel it. The soft murmurs of inquiry will fade to silence as she stands, taps her glass daintily, and gives them a knowing smile."
"She will watch the disbelief, the wonder, spread across the faces of her loved ones as they realize that this is it. Today's the day."
"The air is thick with anticipation. Someone grips the hand of the person next to them, an attempt to steady themselves because she's going to say it. She has to say it."
"'The Leidertafel Lodge #184 on Plattsburg. We got it, guys! We got it!'."
"And cheers will erupt from her family as they weep with joy and embrace this lucky, blessed, incredible woman. They will think, 'Doesn't she deserve this? Hasn't she earned this?'."
"And she has. She really has."
"There will never be another day of celebration like this. There will never be another time when all the love is focused on her. She will only get one perfect day."
"The Venue Reveal."
"Nah, just kidding. NTA." ~ Xtrasloppy
The OP provided an update.
"First and foremost, I am genuinely moved and grateful for the congratulations and support regarding my adoption news. The journey to parenthood has been a deeply personal and transformative experience, and to have it recognized so warmly means the world to me."
"I read through each comment and felt a swell of appreciation for the candid perspectives shared. It's clear that the dialogue here isn't just about assessing who might be wrong or right, but about understanding the complexities of family dynamics and the weight of personal milestones."
"To those who expressed that my sister's reaction and my family's indulgence may be excessive, I understand where you're coming from. Modern wedding culture can indeed seem overwhelming at times, and the expectation for each event to be grand can detract from what truly matters—the love and union of two individuals."
"However, I also recognize that for my sister, her wedding preparations are a major life event, and I can empathize with her desire to have a moment in the spotlight for her venue reveal, no matter how grand or modest it may be."
"While the news of my adoption is a joyous occasion, I could have chosen a different moment to share it, allowing her the full attention for her announcement that she had hoped for."
"Commenters who highlighted the backtracking of our mother and the challenges this has posed, your points are well taken. It's been a learning moment for me about the importance of clear communication and respecting the boundaries of each family member's special life events."
"I want to extend a heartfelt thank you to everyone who contributed their opinion with such passion and honesty. Your engagement with my story has offered me new perspectives and taught me the importance of timing and sensitivity in sharing my own happiness, especially in the context of another's special moment."
"In the spirit of family and unity, I am reaching out to my sister to apologize for any hurt I may have caused. My intention was never to overshadow her; rather, it was an overflow of excitement that I now see could have waited for a more appropriate time."
"Family is about love, support, and understanding. The love I've seen here, even amidst differing opinions, has reminded me of the beauty of that bond."
"Thank you all once again for your support and for providing a space where we can learn from each other."
Hopefully the OP can mend fences with her sister and her critics as there will be a lot of major family milestones coming up.
It would be a shame not to share them with everyone over one misunderstanding.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp