Being the plus one of the best man or maid of honor at a wedding can feel like a relatively significant role.
But what if external circumstances makes the whole thing overwhelming?
That was the situation faced by someone who posted their experience on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit.
Right in the title, the Original Poster (OP), known as burnerphone3742 on the site, shared just why it was all so daunting.
“AITA for staying I would be uncomfortable to attend a wedding where my Partner is Maid of Honour?”
OP began with some candid background info.
“My Partner and I have been together for about a year and a half and we were casually seeing each other for a year prior to that (we first slept together in Jan 19 and decided to go official in Jan 2020).”
“About a month prior to us officially being a couple (Dec 19), she had a threesome with her best friend and her friends boyfriend.”
“I have no issue with this as we weren’t official yet and she can do what she likes.”
But recently, a complication arose.
“However, now this friend and her boyfriend are getting married and my Partner has been asked to be the Maid of Honour.”
“When she told me this I stated as gently as I could that I would not like to attend the wedding.”
“This is because I dont think I would feel comfortable sitting and hearing my Partner make a big speech (she has been asked to make a speech along side the best man) about a couple that she slept with a month prior to us getting together.”
And OP shared a few more pertinent details.
“In the interest of telling the full story I feel that I should add. I don’t particularly like her friend, the reason being that our personalities don’t gel together and she can get on my nerves after spending more than an evening with her.”
“my partner knows this as we have spoken about it in the past.”
OP went on.
“As well as this prior to my partners friend getting with her now fiance, he and my Partner had a purely sexual relationship (I believe the term is ‘fu** buddies”) for a short while…”
“…that ended because she wanted to get serious and he did not.”
“This is something that my partners friend had always known, so all parties involved are aware of this and accepted it.”
OP reiterated.
“So again, I would just feel that I would be fairly uncomfortable sitting listening to a speech where somebody I care for very deeply says to a room of people how much she loves two people that she has a romantic and sexual past with, both individually and together.”
All that said, OP still has had trouble getting it all of their mind.
“My partner understands this and has accepted that I would rather not go. But now is stressing at what she will tell her friend as to why I am not there.”
“So, am I the a**hole for stating that I would feel uncomfortable at this wedding?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Once the first few responses came rolling in, OP felt the need to set the record straight on a couple more details.
“EDIT: so, this post has been up for 24 hours and I just want to clarify a couple of things. The couple in question live about an hours drive away, so we actually don’t see them that much in our day to day lives.”
“Whenever we have met up for college reunions or just going out to eat (or whatever) I have always gone with my SO and have been nothing but polite as I genuinely have no issue with them and my Partners past with them and have had some nice evenings with them and others (though, as previously explained, I probably couldn’t do more than one evening).”
“But personally I felt I needed to set the boundary at going to their wedding. I just wanted to clarify this as a high number of comments suggested I’m “not really okay with her past”.
Responses from Redditors were rather broad. Most, however, said OP wasn’t being an a**hole.
“NTA. You don’t really need an excuse, but your partner could say that you don’t really know anyone there and it would be awkward since she’ll be busy with being MOH.” — Lawn_Orderly
“NTA I wouldn’t want to go to a wedding where my partner had f*cked both the bride and the groom either.”
“Why are you not at the wedding? You had a ‘family thing’ that you couldn’t get out of. That’s all she needs to say. Rinse, repeat. Hugs” — QuinGood
“NTA- She’s going to be busy anyways and it doesn’t sound like you are friends with the couple. You’ve already calmly express your feelings, No one can be upset (especially the friends) about you not attending.” — Zoeyee
“You’re not the a**hole, not attending a wedding for people you barely know and don’t really like isn’t an extreme reaction.” — S3trak
Plenty, though, said the truth was a bit more in the middle.
“I guess NAH, but this all sounds super immature. firstly you say you don’t have any problem with their history but you clearly are so upset about their history that you’re avoiding everyone.”
“second, they are your partners best friends so you can’t really avoid them forever, you need to get on board with them if you’re planning on being with your partner long term.”
“and third, because you’re now putting your partner in an awkward spot because clearly they want you to get along with their best friends and be there to support them, and you’re saying you refuse to go because of a 30 second speech out of an entire evening.”
“no one can force you to go, you do you, but you seriously need to move on if you want it to work with your partner. I could never be with someone who refused to get along with my best friends.” — windyafternoon
“Nah but it would be a solid for your current partner to be there for her” — OkCastor
“NAH. Your attendance isn’t nearly as important as hers, especially since you’ve only been together for a year.”
“But you *do* sound extremely judgmental about her sexual past, a bit contradictory in your approach toward it, and considering the players, a touch jealous.” — GeekyStitcher
And a few leaned a bit harder into OP.
“I think YTA simply because you’re delaying the inevitable here. You have to see these people sometimes, so what difference does it make to see them at their wedding? Because you know they’ve had sex with your partner?”
“Either you’re fine with the situation or you’re not. Be honest with yourself.” — Total-Willow5165
“YTA. Everyone involved knew what the situation was. Everyone.”
“Did you think your girlfriend’s past would magically disappear? Ya know what you signed up for.” — wyowow
OP gave their two sense on all the responses.
“I do find it very interesting how devisive this post has been, its almost entirely split down the middle. 50% I’m NAH and am well within my rights to set boundaries and 50% I’m TA and an insecure hypocrite for not wanting to go.”
“I therefore felt it necessary to clarify that they are not a big part of our day to day lives and I will continue to be cordial whenever I am asked to meet up with them.”
“But I still feel that I will be uncomfortable at their wedding, especially since (as so many of you pointed out) my Partner will be busy doing MOH duties.”
“So, I thank you all for your responses and going forward I will say to the couple that I will be unable to make it as I don’t know many people and my Partner will be busy most of the day. Which isn’t a lie :)”