I've been to only one wedding where I actively disliked the bride or groom. I only attended after the groom—whom I liked—asked me to please attend.
And no one at that wedding was particularly fond of the bride with the exception of maybe her father.
It would have been entirely reasonable for the groom to request everyone who disliked his soon-to-be wife not attend their big day. But I think even he knew it would be an empty church if he did.
A bride who doesn't want someone who constantly insults the groom at her wedding turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Lanky-Client-3036 asked:
"AITA for not inviting my sister to my wedding because of her comments about my fiancé's job?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (28, female) fiancé, Alex (30, male), and I are getting married in a few months. We've been together for five years, and he's the love of my life."
"Alex is a talented artist who works as a freelance illustrator. He doesn't make a ton of money, but he's passionate about what he does, and I support him fully."
"My sister, Emily (32, female), has always had a more traditional outlook on careers. She works in finance and has been quite successful."
"Over the years, she's made several snide comments about Alex's job, calling it a 'hobby' and implying that he's not ambitious enough. I usually let it slide because I know how she is, but it hurts both of us."
"A few weeks ago, during a family dinner, Emily made a particularly harsh comment. She said, 'I can't believe you're marrying a starving artist. Are you sure you want to spend your life supporting someone who can't even afford to buy you nice things?'."
"Alex was visibly upset, and I was furious. I told Emily that her comments were out of line and that she needed to respect our relationship."
"She shrugged it off as a joke, but I didn't find it funny at all. After that, I started to reconsider inviting Emily to our wedding."
"I don't want any negativity on our special day, and I know she'll probably say something rude or judgmental. So, I decided not to invite her."
"When Emily found out, she was livid. She accused me of overreacting and said that I was choosing a man over my own sister."
"My parents are upset too and think I'm being too harsh, but they don't understand how hurtful her words have been. Now I'm wondering if I went too far."
"So AITA for not inviting my sister to my wedding because of her comments about my fiancé's job?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I basically barred my sister from being invited to my wedding."
"People assume that I barred her from my wedding because of my personal enmity which I accept is also true—ever since we were children we didn't get along well."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was definitely not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. I absolutely agree she will find a way to ruin your big day. If you addressed this issue with her previously, that should have been the end of it and she should have apologized to all present for her rude comment."
"I am also bothered that your family has never called her out for these comments. Instead, they defend them. I almost think you should disinvite them too."
"Tell sis you only get married once and you are not going to risk her acting out. And even SEEING her would sour your mood. End of conversation. Done and dusted." ~ Jamison945
"NTA. Clearly she doesn't respect your future husband for the choices he makes, so why should she have any right to be there celebrating your love?"
"'She shrugged it off as a joke, but I didn't find it funny at all'. Ask her to explain the joke. Ask her to explain exactly what about what she said is funny." ~ DutchDaddy85
"'Explain the joke to me and Alex and make us laugh because we're not getting the joke. We really want to understand the joke so explain it to us like we're 5'."
"If she can't then the disinvite stands." ~ Questn4Lyfe
"I've said this so many times but the point of a wedding is to be surrounded by people who SUPPORT you. NTA."
"Your sister clearly doesn't and doesn't deserve to be at the wedding, even as a guest. The parents need to back off and let you deal with this your way." ~ GullibleNerd88
"Yup, why would sis even want to attend if she doesn't support the marriage? Other than to have a new audience for her snotty comments. NTA, OP." ~ Pspaughtamus
"It seems that there are many people who don't know what a joke is. It's not the same as a personal attack or bullying. It's also not a get out of jail free card."
"I've seen a lot of people suggest asking the 'jokester' to explain the joke every time they make nasty remarks and claim that it's humor. I don't know if that works, but you're NTA for wanting to avoid her toxicity on your special day." ~ choppedliver65
"She said it herself. You 'chose' him. You didn't choose her. NTA." ~ Scheming_Deming
"It's why people get married even. They're choosing to spend their lives together.
"OP's sister is acting like it's a terrible thing when it's quite the opposite. What's bad is when someone marries, then repeatedly chooses family or friends over their spouse."
"Ironically, if I'm reading what OP put right, she's never had a good relationship with her sister. There's no reason to think OP would choose her sister over her fiancé."
"I wonder if the sister has not had good romantic relationships and is jealous. Or maybe she's just mean and will say things to needle people just because she can." ~ hard_tyrant_dinosaur
"NTA. How about: 'Well, given I am marrying a starving artist, we decided to cut the wedding size and started with the people who don't support me and the love of my life. I am sure you understand from a financial standpoint'." ~ Velma88
"You invite people to your wedding who are there to support your union and witness your vows as you start your married life. There's no obligation to invite anyone else. NTA." ~ _Indiana_J0nes_
"I came in here expecting to go the other way, but NTA. You're totally right, she would be saying this sh*t at your wedding. To other guests. Nope." ~ Miserable_Dentist_70
"NTA. She clearly has no respect for your fiancé or you, I wouldn't invite her either."
"However, you shouldn't EVER have been just letting this go. You should have stood up for your fiancé and put a stop to it from the beginning." ~ Kutleki
"NTA. I'd have the following conversation with your sister and parents:"
"What you said was hurtful, but you say it was a joke, so what was the joke?"
"If it was a joke, it wasn't funny and when I told you it upset me, and my fiancé, you didn't apologize, which is rude."
"You have made comments before, so I don't see how what you said was a joke, and you refused to stop and now said really hurtful things TO my fiancé, not just to me."
"You shrugged it off, and now only care that what you said was hurtful because there are consequences."
"Even now, you aren't sorry, and don't even understand what you did wrong, and are framing it as me choosing a man over you. I'm not choosing a man OVER you, I am choosing not to involve you in MY special day because you either can't control what you say or don't care that what you say is hurtful, and either way, I don't want that kind of negativity at my wedding."
"Then, let your sister and parents respond, realizing that you can't control them, you can only control your response. YOU aren't making a big deal about this, if it was a joke, she should be fine to apologize and agree to never say something like that again."
"If she meant what she said and wants to stand by it, well then of course she shouldn't be at your wedding if she thinks you are making a mistake."
"Either way, go forward and have a great wedding, without your sister." ~ mfruitfly
"NTA because her comment was very rude and demeaning. And I noticed that she did not apologize. And yes you are choosing a man over her."
"BUT it seems to me that it may have been better to say something sooner. If you did and she did keep insulting him, then uninvite."
"That way your family would have no reason to hassle you about univiting her which is going to be stressful to you as well." ~ hikergirl26
"You are choosing a man over your family? Of course you are! That is what marriage is all about."
"Your husband will become your first priority. That is as it should be. If your sister doesn't see that, then she is sadly mistaken about the concept of marriage. NTA." ~ Pretend_Green9127
While the OP may not be getting support from her family, Reddit has her back.
If her sister doesn't like or respect the groom, why does she even want to attend?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp