Couples adopt for a number of reasons, but in some cases it's the result of infertility. After struggling to conceive, a couple may choose to adopt a child.
But sometimes, after the stress and pressure to conceive have lifted, the adoptive parents end up conceiving. Some even go on to have more than one successful pregnancy.
But what about the adopted child in these situations? One would hope nothing would change in their relationship with their adoptive parents.
A teen that was adopted by parents struggling was infertility turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after an incident with his father.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Coiiuid asked:
"AITAH for storming out of my dad's wedding because he mentioned my brother and sister and his stepdaughters, but not me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (16, male) am adopted. My siblings are my parents bio kids. They're 13 and 11."
"Seven years ago my parents divorced. It was never explained why, but I always noticed that dad was bitter toward mom while mom hid how she felt really well."
"I did hear a fight between them once where she called him a POS who didn't deserve his kids. At the time it didn't make sense, but it makes more sense now."
"My dad got remarried a month ago. His wife has two daughters (5 and 6) with her first husband who died."
"When everyone was eating, dad got up and started to make this long speech about how happy he was with his wife and how blessed they were with their family. He called her an amazing mom and woman and all that fluffy stuff."
"Then he thanked her daughters for being amazing and he told them he couldn't wait to be their dad for real and how much he already loved them. Then he thanked his kids, but only named my brother and sister."
"He didn't say a single thing about me."
"He gushed about my siblings, about his wife's girls. Then he told everyone how the family, and named everyone except me, was starting fresh from that day forward."
"How they were lucky to have such great kids. His speech wasn't over before I stormed out of the wedding."
"I called mom and told her I needed her to come and pick me up and not ask questions, because I just needed her. My brother followed me out and so did some of dad's family."
"My brother asked me if I was okay."
"The rest of the family asked why I made a scene and when I pointed out the speech, they said it was an oversight and I was included every time he said kids, and so what if he left out my name, it wasn't the end of the world."
"I told them it was only my name he left out. My brother tried to say something to dad's family, but they told him to go back inside and celebrate and not to make more of a scene at the wedding."
"They tried to make me go back in, too, but I told them I was going home with mom."
"When I told mom what happened, I got so upset. She did her best to calm me down and distract me."
"It was a few days later when she talked to me about what happened more. I told her missing my name once in that speech was maybe understandable, but he wrote a long a** book and still didn't mention my name even once."
"I told him he couldn't have made it clearer that I'm not his real kid. She told me she was so sorry."
"I mentioned what I heard before and she told me the biggest reason they divorced is he wanted to give me up because they had their own kids."
"But he fought for me in the divorce with my siblings, so she hoped he'd grow to love me eventually. I said he probably didn't want to pay child support."
"I heard nothing from dad since. His family have tried to yell at me for making a scene at the wedding, but mom shut them down."
"My siblings still go to his house, but he doesn't ask about me or seem to care that I don't go with them. And even with that, his family still wants to say I'm the a**hole."
"Which pisses me off, but makes me doubt myself."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I used to see people talk about being adopted and they were regretted once their adoptive parents had 'their own' kids and I never thought it would be me. But it was and I had no idea for so many years."
"Mum loves me just as much as my siblings and I know she'd never treat me this way. That's really helpful right now."
"I think I was just the consolation prize until he had his real kids. Because wanting to give me up and then this says he never really cared or loved me."
"I haven't talked to his wife. But we weren't close before. My siblings aren't close to her either. She was more focused on her girls than us."
"My brother's so mad at dad. He was upset at first, because he saw what it did to me."
"But now he's mad. He tried to get dad to talk to me and apologize, but he wouldn't and I felt bad that my little brother tried that for me. He shouldn't have to."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP had not done anything wrong (NTA).
"NTA. You did the right thing to leave where you were being abused. Your dad is a real POS. You deserve a parent who shows you kindness and love. I hope his wife leaves him after seeing his disgusting behavior."
"Anyone getting mad at you is just afraid to look at how sh*tty he really is. I'm glad you can stay with your mom. I hope your siblings wise up and refuse to go see him. Sending an internet hug." ~ wishingforarainyday
"When little brother is old enough, he may go No Contact (NC) with his dad. But even if not, you two can have your own relationship without the a**hole's interference." ~ SeaworthinessKey3654
"True, your little brother shouldn't have to do that. But see it as your bro loves you and is loyal to you."
"Stay close to him and continue to nurture your relationship with him. He understands that blood doesn't make you two brothers; love does. See the treasure you have in him and, hopefully, your other sibling."
"In fact, nurture your relationship with both of them. Let that comfort your heart as you deal with the pain your father has caused." ~ ABCBDMomma
"Maybe you think your brother didn't have to, but he IS your brother so to him, he did have to. Accept his love and loyalty without guilt, you don't have to earn it."
"Your sister is still so young and is probably scared and confused, so if you don't see similar behavior from her right away don't take it personally. Just keep showing up as her big brother like you always have and she'll figure it out eventually." ~ OverallInitiative406
"I doubt your brother will forget this. Same with your father's disgusting family telling him to celebrate." ~ Snoo_90160
"NTA. Kid, I'm sorry to say, but your a**hole of a father doesn't care about you and the only reason his family are mad is because you make it CRYSTAL clear how much of a POS he is." ~ HUNGWHITEBOI25
"Exactly, the fact that his family tried to make you feel like you were in the wrong angers me so much. I'm so glad mom is there for support and by your side. Stay strong and stay close to those who actually care and show love to you." ~ NightFlowerss
"There was probably a sh*t ton of blowback after that storm out that they had to deal with and instead of forcing the POS to take accountability for it, they're going to blame the kid. I can't imagine the whispers throughout the rest of the night after something like that." ~ GnomesinBlankets
"God, sweetie, I am so sorry. As an adoptive mom this breaks my heart. You do realize how much your mom loves you right?"
"This situation says everything about your dad, not you. HE is the one who is lacking, not you."
"Ask your mom to get you a therapist, it will help you work through all this and heal. Focus on you and your wonderful mom." ~ ButterscotchIll1523
"Tell his family in a group chat, 'Do you know why mom and dad got divorced? It was over me. He wanted to send me back because he had kids of his own now. Then at the wedding, he refused to mention me'."
"'He still hasn't even tried to reach out to me, he says he doesn't give a damn about me. He's such a horrible person. Stop harassing me. He's the problem'."
"I never assumed to be born or be adopted by him. It's funny how he's going to adopt his wife's kids and accept them into the family, but threw me away. His wife better be careful that he doesn't get rid of her kids'." ~ rocketmn69_
"NTA. If I was his wife, bringing two young kids into the relationship, I'd seriously think twice about marrying him."
"He adopted a kid, then threw said kid away when he had 'his own real kids'. Hi, stepchildren? How are those girls going to be treated when the dust settles and the honeymoon is over?" ~ Same-Kangaroo-3981
As many pointed out, the OP is nearly an adult and has no reason to interact with his adoptive father again. He should excise him from his life and enjoy his time with the people who love him.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp