Friendships are incredibly important to a fulfilling life, but at the end of the day, keeping a friendship alive can be a really hard thing to do.
It’s common for a friendship to end over something common like money, lack of communication, or even ex-partners, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Though she had been best friends with Vanessa since they were children, Redditor FitPurchase99 was becoming fed up with their practice of splitting restaurant bills, because Vanessa always ordered more food.
But when she attempted to change up the pay structure, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked by how negatively Vanessa reacted.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to split half of the check for dinner with my best friend like we usually do?”
The OP had been best friends with Vanessa since they were young.
“My best friend, Vanessa (24 Female), and I (25 Female) have been friends since the second grade. We’ve been supportive of each other’s successes and accomplishments, and we’re always there when one of us needed the other.”
“We’ve also ALWAYS split the check when we go out for dinner or brunch or anything like that. We’ve agreed to do that for a long time. Plus, it saves time and doesn’t complicate things for us and the servers, and it didn’t matter how much one of us ordered.”
The OP had some reservations about their tradition of splitting the bill, however.
“She was the one who suggested it, and I was like, ‘Okay, sure.'”
“I’m not really a big eater, so whenever we would go out, I would only order about 15 to 35 percent of the entire price for both.”
“Vanessa, on the other hand, always has a huge appetite and would order 65 to 85 percent. The percentages depend on the occasion, appetite, and the price of the food.”
The OP thought it was time for a change.
“Recently, Vanessa got a huge promotion at her job for which she has been working her a** off and she wanted to celebrate, so she suggested that we go out to this fine dining restaurant nearby and I agreed because she deserved it.”
“But before I continue, I should add that a few weeks prior, my older sister, Bianca, told me how ridiculous it was that I was splitting the check by paying half of it when I would only order food that amounted to only a quarter of the check.”
“Also, I earn about 90 thousand dollars per year, minus or plus because I have several jobs, which include dog training for which I charge 80 to 100 dollars per hour for.”
“Vanessa earned a little bit more than me before with just one stable job and since her promotion, she now earns six figures.”
The OP suggested paying for their own bills.
“Before Vanessa and I ordered our food on the evening of her big promotion celebration, I told her that I want to only pay for the food that I will order.”
“She said, ‘Okay.’ But when she saw that I was actually paying for my own food, she was like, ‘Wait, you were being serious before?'”
“I said, ‘Um… Yes, I was being serious.'”
“She said, ‘Oh, I wouldn’t have ordered so much if I knew you were being serious.’ The total bill was around $560 and I only ordered around $145 worth of food.”
“I asked her why wouldn’t she think I was being serious, and she said that it was because we had been splitting the check in half for so long that she literally thought that I was joking.”
“I told her that I’m just sick and tired of paying half when I only order a small percentage. Like, I’m paying at least 50 to 100 more dollars than I should every time.”
This might have been the end of a lifelong friendship.
“She got a bit mad and said, ‘And you just decided to be a b***h and pull this stunt on the day when I got promoted? Fine then, I will pay for my food.'”
“She did that and just exited right after without even waiting for me, which was not cool because she had picked me up at my place and drove us here, so I had to call an Uber and pay 36 dollars for the ride home.”
“This morning, my phone was full of messages from my other friends, saying that I was an a**hole for demanding this on the day of her big promotion and for being a cheapskate.”
“I just don’t want to overpay so much. It’s fine if it was 10 or 20 dollars more than what I ordered, but over 50 dollars? That amount can go towards necessities and bills.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redidtors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was NTA and deeply questioned Vanessa’s qualities as a friend.
“NTA. She really said, ‘Oh, I wouldn’t have ordered so much if I knew you were being serious.'”
“Everything up to that point could have been an innocent mistake, but that comment shows she’s been taking advantage of you.” – aredddit
“NTA.”
“If you still have any doubts, go back and read this line, where she said, ‘Oh, I wouldn’t have ordered so much if I knew you were being serious.'”
“Your food was 26 percent of the bill. Her food was 74 percent of the bill, and yet she still expected to pay 50/50. AND SHE ORDERED TONS OF EXPENSIVE FOOD BASED ON THE ASSUMPTION YOU WOULD PAY.”
“This has nothing to do with her promotion.”
“I would seriously reconsider my ‘friendship’ with this person.” – Sensitive_Exit_3154
“NTA. The fact that she flat out said that she would have ordered less if she knew you weren’t subsidizing her meal?”
“She’s been doing this, on purpose, for a long time. She knew full well what she was doing and did it without guilt or second thought.”
“You flat out told her that you weren’t going to subsidize her anymore, and she just assumed you would keep doing it because she’s so used to taking advantage of you that she didn’t even consider that you’d stop it.”
“You mentioned she earns more and you don’t understand why she would do this. I earn more than my friends, and I often go way over the top when we go out to eat. And you know what happens? I pay more than my share to make sure no one has to pay for me.”
“She doesn’t sound like a friend; she sounds like a user.” – Natural_Garbage7674
“Your ‘friend’ was scamming you all along. She knew what she was doing. She was using you to cover the things she wanted… not limiting her amount to what she could afford.”
“By going out with you and you eating on average 20% but paying for 50 percent…she was making out like a bandit.”
“Before ordering, you gave your parameters of the dinner. She agreed. When you didn’t pay 50 percent, she threw a fit. You just laid a boundary. You just saved yourself a s**t ton of money.”
“She isn’t going to be your friend anymore because she can’t continue using you. NTA.” – Wandering_aimlessly9
“NTA. I had a friend that would regularly do this. We would go out to eat, and she would order multiple bottles of wine and multiple courses when I would be getting a salad.”
“I finally had to put my foot down and start asking for separate checks. She was definitely upset the first time I did this as well, but paying for all of her food and drink is not my responsibility.”
“She was 100 percent taking advantage of you and then acted like an absolute baby when you chose to not be walked all over anymore.”
“The way she responded with, ‘I wouldn’t have ordered so much,’ says everything you need to know about her. She was consciously making the decision to have you pay for her food all these years.” – Roadgoddess
But others thought the OP lashed out because she was jealous of Vanessa’s promotion.
“YTA. It wasn’t crazy when you originally agreed to this. Are you a bit jealous of her promotion? Why did you select this particular time to tell her that you no longer want to spit the bill?” – Ok-Knowledge4929
“Sorry but yes, YTA. You agreed to split the bill, and then after this has been happening for a while, you became resentful. But instead of mentioning it to her, you carried on with splitting the bill. Your resentment grew and was backed up by your sister. And still, you said nothing.”
“Then you burst out with it all at once and expect her to understand straight away? In public no less.”
“So yeah, YTA for this incident.”
“Just talk to her. She’s your friend. Tell her what’s up. She’s not psychic.” – Witty-Significance58
“I’m going to go YTA for the simple fact that if you’ve been doing this for years. The day you are out celebrating her isn’t really the day to make this change.”
“And if you wanted to do it, you probably should have told her before agreeing to go to dinner. It would be akin to doing this on someone’s birthday. It does kind of sound like a joke to do it on that day.”
“Now don’t get me wrong, I’m on your side overall. I just think you really chose to handle it in a pretty s**tty way, and it sounds like you’re jealous.” – cuervoguy2000
“YTA. You let your sister get in your head. You two have agreed to split the check since forever and you both earn enough money to split the check evenly.”
“The fact that you waited until you both were at the restaurant, to say you don’t want to do this anymore, rather than talk it out beforehand, is a jerk move.”
“You also did it at a time when she was excited about her promotion and wanted to celebrate. Envious, much?” – spleef35
“YTA.”
“Reason for the conclusion, you should have never let it get this far. The first couple of times, it was uneven, you should have stopped it. You unfortunately set a precedent that she can take advantage of your generosity and that this is an okay practice universally.”
“You’re the AH to yourself and to everyone else your friend goes out with in the future who she’ll try to subject to this insane practice.”
“Show your friends this post and exactly what she said. Maybe then they’ll see she was trying to take advantage of you. I hope your friend sees the error in her ways and apologizes to you. Or, better yet, treats you to a meal.” – lessionisnevertry
The subReddit could completely agree that this was a ridiculous practice for two friends to share when their meals and spending habits were so severely imbalanced, and it made absolute sense that resentment would eventually set it.
But while some thought such an expensive meal was the right time to set the new boundary, others thought it was a direct reflection of the resentment the OP was feeling toward her friend about her promotion, especially since she was able to work only one job while the OP had to juggle several.