Redditor Apprehensive-Sea6012 has been dealing with their 7-year-old daughter's tantrums the last few mornings.
The reason for the tantrums? The Original Poster's (OP's) daughter doesn't want to get dressed.
To be fair, who does? But regardless, the 7-year-old has to attend school where pajamas are not an appropriate thing to wear. Or are they?
Most recently, the OP, fed up with the daily tantrums, decided to concede and not force their daughter to get dressed.
They took their child to school in pajamas, letting her reap the consequences of her decision.
However, when the OP's wife picked their daughter up from school, she was not happy with her spouse's decision. This drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
They asked:
"AITA for sending my daughter to school in her pyjamas?"
They went on to explain:
"My 7-year-old daughter (Elsie) has recently started to make mornings more difficult by throwing a fit when we ask her to get dressed for school."
"We've tried setting her clothes out the night before, but she still makes an issue out of it, and she doesn't want to sleep in her clothes, so that's not an option either."
"My wife leaves for work before me, so I'm normally the one who has to deal with the tantrums in the morning."
"I woke Elsie up, and as always, she refused to get dressed. I wasn't really in the mood to deal with her bs and I didn't have the energy to fight with her about it..."
"...so I told her that it was okay and I'll just take her to school in her pyjamas."
"She looked pretty shocked because I don't think it was the outcome she was expecting, but the rest of the morning went a lot smoother than normal."
"We got in the car and she was more quiet than usual, so I could tell she wasn't really sure what to think of it."
"But after a while of driving, I guess the realization set in, and she told me she wanted to go home and change. I told her she had already made her decision, and I wasn't driving her back home now."
"She started freaking out, saying she wanted me to drive back home and she didn't want to go to school in her pajamas."
"But I wasn't turning the car around, so we arrived at school, and she eventually went in."
"After my wife came home from collecting her from school, she looked pissed. She didn't say anything in front of Elsie, but later in the evening, as expected, she went off on me."
"She started saying that I had embarrassed her and made us look like bad parents who can't be bothered to dress our daughter."
"I told her that I'm sure Elsie isn't the first child to go to school in pajamas, and it's not the end of the world."
"And she wears normal clothes every other day, so one day in pajamas isn't going to make everyone think we're bad parents."
"She told me she thought it was a cruel thing to do to Elsie, but in my opinion, it was harmless and taught her a lesson."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA, your daughter was testing boundaries, and she learned the limit. If you had turned around, she might have done the same the next day and started a new pattern."
"By sticking to your decision in a harmless environment when your daughter was in no danger, she learned a lesson about the consequences of her actions."
"Plenty of kids show up in pajamas, costumes, funky (cool, not funky smelly) clothes all the time." - BoredinDublin88
"Nta. I'm not a fan of embarrassment as a form of punishment, but I do believe in appropriate teachings that there are consequences to actions."
"You did not harm your daughter. She chose not to get dressed for her day, and so her day progressed in the clothing she was in. Consequences to her actions." - CleverishGeneric
"NTA - My reasoning is as follows: you made it very clear to her that this was going to happen before you left home, and she accepted this."
"True, it wasn't until you reached school that reality set in for her, but she isn't a toddler who can't think through consequences very well."
"I do note that the division here is between the people who think that this is a cruel humiliation and those who think it is a fair consequence for behavior."
"I imagine it will be very split because it's clearly quite emotive." - VoltesVoltron
"And it was this comment that made me realize this is a 7-year-old, and not a toddler we're discussing. YIKES."
"My goodness, op, NTA. At 7, your daughter is (IMO) is a bit old for throwing daily tantrums over clothes...I fully thought this was a 4-year-old until I went back and looked at the age."
"Also, it would be one thing if your wife was upset because your daughter spent the day embarrassed and uncomfortable with her clothing choices..."
"...but it seems like your wife's main concern is with optics, and how this choice reflects on her as a parent." - ginger_ninja_88
"NTA - parenting at its finest. But, from all the YTAs, I see why so many kids don't learn that actions have consequences."
"This was an age-appropriate consequence that linked DIRECTLY to the action. This is literally how kids learn from their mistakes."
"No one got hurt, and everyone will forget about this next week when someone spills their juice. No big deal." - Organic_Arm_2378
"NTA because, unless she has sensory issues or has some reason she hates wearing regular clothes normally, I suspect these tantrums are a power struggle."
"She thought that if she refused to get dressed, you'd allow her to stay home from school, and you called her bluff by making it clear that with or without appropriate clothing, she was going to school."
"Only thing I can't help but wonder is if there's some reason she doesn't want to go to school that you're overlooking. I think you need to have a conversation with her." - Korike0017
"NTA - Seven-years-old is old enough to understand that behaviour has consequences. I find it unusual that a child of this age is still refusing to wear appropriate clothing for school."
"Is there any chance that she may be neurodivergent, or is she trying to push boundaries do you think?"
"I may be a bit too relaxed in this - where I come from, it's quite common to drop your kids off at school whilst you, the adult, are wearing pajamas..."
"...and people often go to the local shops in them too." - Sloppypoopypoppy
"NTA"
"You taught your daughter a valuable lesson. Actions have consequences."
"She chose not to get dressed and have a tantrum. She got to be embarrassed at school."
"Bet the next morning's get ready time is a bit less dramatic." - Odd-End-1405
"ESH. You made your point, and when Elsie realized you were serious and started to panic in the car, there was your opportunity to tell her sternly..."
"...'OK, I will turn around this one time, but from now on, when I am ready to leave, you are going to school in whatever you're wearing. You're old enough to get yourself ready.'"
"And I'm a little concerned that your wife seems more concerned about what other people think than she does about your daughter's emotional well-being."
"And Elsie kind of sucks because she's been being a brat, but kids push boundaries, and it's up to the parents to set limits and course-correct the behavior."
"I'll bet she's dressed and ready from now on, though!" - wisewoman707
"NTA- your kid learned a lesson and no one was harmed. She's not going to be thought of as the neglected child and her classmates probably forgot by the time they got home."
"My wife would disagree with this i'm sure lol." - Silver_Bulleit204
"I've raised two boys (now 30 and 40). One thing I learned with my first kid was to call them on their BS."
"Throw a tantrum in the grocery store? Both boys tried this when they were little. I'd take them out of the cart, set them down (where they would inevitably fall to the ground), and walk away."
"Once the kid realized I wasn't around, they'd stop their shenanigans. This tactic usually took two times before they understood I wasn't having it."
"Other BS were things like they couldn't play their games until the homework was done AND I had checked it."
"Have a meltdown about it? No gaming that night. Do it twice? Consoles were removed and put away, and I'll decide WHEN they'd get them back."
"My oldest decided that the threat of him calling 1-800-4ACHILD on me because he didn't get his way. He was maybe 13 at the time."
"I handed him the cordless phone and asked if he needed me to dial it for him. He stopped his shenanigans."
"Your child decides she's going to give you crap about getting dressed in the morning? She goes to school in her PJs."
"It's not a cruel punishment but does teach a lesson: you're not putting up with her shenanigans anymore. Easy."
"And in closing, you're NTA." - Professional-Spare13
Sometimes parents just have to play their kid's games.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp