For some people, saying no is impossible.
The social anxiety of making others unhappy can be crippling.
But everyone is not often aware of the struggles others are facing.
So people may cross a boundary without knowing.
This can lead to a lot of misunderstanding.
Redditor Impossible_Heart_523 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for asking my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] to rub sunscreen on my back when I have back acne?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (31 F[emale]) have really bad back acne.”
“I was going to the beach with my mom (53 F), my brother (28 M[ale]), and my brother’s wife (26 F).”
“I don’t know my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] very well, but she seems very sweet.”
“She had offered to rub sunscreen on my mom.”
“After my SIL was finished with my mom, I asked her if she could rub sunscreen on my back.”
“She said she was happy to, and she did.”
“But that evening, my brother confronted me.”
“He said his wife has many issues, including social anxiety.”
“He said she has a problem saying no.”
“He said she told him how uncomfortable she felt putting sunscreen on my back.”
“He told me it was inconsiderate of me to ask someone who’s not in Healthcare to touch diseased skin.”
“SIL continued being very sweet to me and my mom.”
“My brother seemed cold with me, and he was very protective of his wife.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“Soft YTA.”
“It’s a little weird to ask someone you don’t know well to rub sunscreen on your back, even if you don’t have acne.”
“You may have put her in an uncomfortable position, where she likely felt obliged to do what you asked.”
“Furthermore, your mom was there.”
“She’s someone who is much closer to you.”
“You should have just asked her.”
“Although your brother is an AH for calling acne ‘diseased skin.'”
“Acne is a skin condition; it’s not a contagious disease.”
“You didn’t put your SIL at risk by asking her to touch your back; you just asked her to do something that many people may find unpleasant.” ~ Wild_Ticket1413
“Yeah, it’s weird to have asked her when you had your mom and brother there, AND you don’t know her very well.”
“But it’s also not a huge misstep.”
“And your brother was being hella rude about it.”
“I understand how having acne made her feel even more awkward about it, and that she didn’t feel comfortable saying no or bringing it up later.”
“He could have just been an adult about it and pulled you aside later to say something like, ‘Hey, it’s no big deal, but I just wanted to let you know that SIL felt à little uncomfortable rubbing sunscreen on you since she doesn’t know you all that well.'”
“‘Feel free to ask me next time!’”
“Bro is the drama.” ~ Meerkatable
“Honestly, this feels a little creepy to me.”
“You know you have a condition that may cause others to feel uncomfortable, but you still ask someone you barely know to do that? Yuck!”
“I’m sorry, I love my husband to pieces, and while I will do it for him, he has back acne also, and it makes me gag.”
“I wouldn’t be able to handle doing it for someone else.”
“She put her on the spot, and in an uncomfortable position to reject.”
“Frankly, I would HOPE my husband would say something! Ew!” ~ Upside-down-unicorn
“I can’t imagine asking someone I don’t know very well to touch me at all, much less an acne-riddled back.”
“Her offering and you putting her on the spot and asking aren’t the same thing.”
“Why the f**k couldn’t your mom do it?”
“Or your brother? YTA.” ~ DiamondAdorable3851
“Soft YTA – Not everyone is comfortable touching acne.”
“You should have asked your mom to rub your sunscreen in, not someone you don’t know very well.”
“She was probably nice after because she didn’t want to make you feel bad.” ~ Witty-Cat1996
“Soft YTA, but your brother is worse.”
“As others have said, it is a little weird to ask someone you don’t know to do that, especially if your mom was right there.”
“I have a hard time touching people I do know well, let alone a near-stranger.”
“But your brother was rude as hell with his confrontation, so he sucks more than you lol.” ~ NerdWytch-
“Mild YTA.”
“I can see why it would be hard to say no, you don’t necessarily want to tell your in-laws that you don’t want to touch them because they’re too gross.”
“You should have been a little more self-aware to realize that that’s something other people don’t really want to touch.” ~ itchysmalltalk
“YTA. She offered for your mother, not you, whom she doesn’t know well at all.”
“You took advantage of her sweet nature to ask her to touch a person she doesn’t know well, for a fairly long time, enough to apply sunscreen to her whole back.”
“And this back has, as you admit, really bad acne.”
“Surely you must know that that is pretty unappealing to look at, not to mention to touch.”
“And that many people are reluctant to touch others in this way, despite the condition of the skin.”
“I’m sorry, but you should only ask someone to touch you in that way if you know them well, and it’s someone who could confidently refuse, if they chose.”
“Whether your skin is in good condition or not.”
“You just need to see a dermatologist.”
“Take care of the acne over time.”
“Don’t ask anyone to spread sunscreen on you, good or bad skin, unless you know each other well.”
“People have different levels of comfort with that.”
“Wait until she offers.”
“You put her in an uncomfortable position.”
“How could she say no?”
“Why didn’t you ask your mother to help you instead?” ~ Euphoric_Travel2541
“Being self-aware, I don’t think you should have asked your SIL.”
“Your mom, maybe, but not your SIL.”
“This is a not-understanding-unofficial-social-rules kind of thing.”
“Figure that out, before next time.”
“She had the opportunity to say no.”
“It doesn’t matter that she has social anxiety.”
“That was her moment to decline, and since her anxiety prevented her from doing so, situations like that will be up to her to manage going forward.”
“Soft ESH.” ~ throwRA-nonSeq
“Soft YTA – you asked this poor woman, who you barely know, to rub lotion into your acne-covered skin.”
“I am saying this as a woman in my 40s who has had acne since I was a teen, and it is gross.”
“If it is that bad, you could have little open sores and oozing pustules.”
“Why didn’t you ask your mom to do it?” ~ Fantastic-Dance-5250
“YTA. I’ve struggled with cystic acne for 35 years, and there were times I didn’t want to touch my own back.”
“Asking a veritable stranger to put sunscreen on your back puts them in an awkward position.”
“How could she say no without worrying about offending you?” ~ FloofySamoyed
“YTA. Not because you have acne, your brother was hella rude for saying only someone in healthcare should touch your back, but because you don’t know her that well and could have asked your mom.”
“I’m a bit like your SIL, and I have a very hard time saying no to helping someone, even if it makes me very uncomfortable, and rubbing someone whom I’m not very familiar with would make me wildly uncomfortable.”
“Also, I don’t know about your sister-in-law, but in her place, I would have had an even harder time saying no to you specifically because I wouldn’t want you to think I was grossed out by your acne, when my discomfort is purely from having to rub your back at all.”
“In my personal experience, people will not accept that the only reason I’m uncomfortable is the close contact period, not because of something about them that I perceive as ‘gross.'” ~ sarahmegatron
“I don’t think you did anything wrong.”
“It is your sister-in-law‘s responsibility to accept or decline.”
“I do understand how she might have felt that she had to agree, but then discussing it with your brother afterwards made it really rough.”
“I believe our partner has to be our first priority (after kids), but that doesn’t give the right to hurt other people in the protection of that.”
“He is the a**hole for the way he spoke about it to you.”
“He didn’t have any consideration for how that would make you feel.”
“He could’ve chosen to say it in a way that didn’t make you feel like this, but he didn’t.”
“This whole thing might be an opportunity for you to bond with SIL by talking about this.” ~ yogastupidwitch
“YTA and I’m really sorry to say that, as it must feel awful to hear internet strangers telling you that people don’t want to touch acne, but unless they are close to you, a lot of people may feel uncomfortable with that.” ~ Simpy158
Reddit understands that you were not being malicious, OP.
But perhaps it was a bit inappropriate to ask someone you hardly know to do you this favor.
However, she could’ve declined, and that is on her.
Also, your brother could be more understanding.
Hopefully, you can all have a peaceful conversation about this, or leave it alone and move on.
Good Luck.