We've all had moments in life where we've felt inclined to be competitive.
More often than not, it's a result of our feeling insecure about our job or our education.
Especially if someone flaunts theirs, seemingly to display superiority.
During a recent family dinner, Redditor Active_Storage_1275 casually mentioned their alma mater.
A remark that led the original poster (OP)'s sister-in-law (SIL) to point out the disparity between their college educations.
Leading the OP to comment on the disparity between their professional lives.
After being told they were "out of line" by their husband, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The a**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my sister in law what she's doing with her degree after she implied my university wasn't prestigious enough?"
The OP explained why things got rather tense and defensive between them and their sister-in-law (SIL):
"Last night my husband, our 2-year-old daughter, and I were at my in-laws."
"My sister-in-law and her husband and kids were there too."
"The topic of one of their cousins' kids going to university came up."
"We talked about how going to a good university helps in networking."
"I mentioned how I had gotten my first Business Analyst job because my interviewer had also gone to UofT."
"At this point, my SIL chimed in with 'UofT Mississauga, right? So not the actual one?'"
"My husband said politely that it's the same thing, and she just shrugged."
"I asked her where she went, she said she went to UofT and added St. George Campus."
"I then asked how she's using her degree (I knew she's a SAHM, so that's why Im here, that might have been an AH thing to say)."
"She said she chose to be a SAHM mom and kind of stopped talking to me."
"My husband thinks I was out of line."
"Admittedly, I didn't think it through when I said it, just said what came to my mind."
"He says her question was tactless but not malicious. I said it was rude and that's what mattered."
"And the premise of it was just wrong."
"But I have been reconsidering it."
"She has texted him about how out of line I was."
"He's told her it was a misunderstanding between everyone and to let it go."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community stood behind the OP and agreed that they were not the a**hole for clapping back at their SIL.
Everyone agreed that even if the OP took something of a low blow, their SIL took the first swing, and thus she deserved to get a sense of how the OP felt after her remark:
"NTA."
"She had something to say about the campus you went to and was 100% being rude because she felt like hers was better."
"And your question was valid :what is she doing with her degree?"
"She sounds like one of those people who like to talk about everyone but can't stand it when someone gives it back."- cwesson88
"Eh, NTA."
"The UofT thing might not make sense to a lot of Redditors."
"The St George campus is the main one, while Mississauga and Scarborough can be seen as lesser, which is what the SIL was likely implying here."
"Yes, OP went low but really only after the SIL did first."- Happy_Raspberry1984
"NTA if you want to be snarky, you best be prepared to get some in return."- UnvarnishedWarehouse
"NTA."
"I will always hate people who can dish it out but not take it."
"She wanted to put you down and couldn't deal with the clapback."
"In my opinion, the rude person is only the one who started it."
"Sure, we could all be perfect adults and be above it all, but that's just gonna reinforce the rude behavior."
"Your husband is like those teachers who will turn a blind eye until the bullied kid fights back."- Lindbluete
"NTA . Not the actual one is the clincher."
"It was passive-aggressive, and she knew what she was doing, not an innocent question."
"If someone's going to be rude to you, then they should expect it back. I don't think what you said was any worse, and you're under no obligation to just sit there and take it."- Familiar_Benefit_776
"NTA."
"She was rude and belittling to you simply based on the campus you went to."
"You gave as good as you got."
"If she can't handle it, she shouldn't dish it out."
"Why is your husband not having your back?"- bookworm-1960
"You wouldn't have responded like that if she didn't start with the condescending words."
"NTA."- SourGummyDrops
"NTA that was hilarious and she's a grown up, if she can dish it out, she can take it."- MsAmontillado
"NTA."
"You matched her energy."
"No reason at all for her to try and -less than- your degree because of campus location, if she's feeling bad about her life, she does not get to try and transfer that to you."
"It sounds like a pretty regrettable exchange all the way around, but she fired first."-
zaleli
"NTA."
"She started it."- GrapefruitFair377
"NTA."
"She was trying to put you down, and you responded in kind."- Super-Staff3820
"NTA, she implied OP's degree meant less because of the location of the campus."
"OP replied in kind."
"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."
"I would have said the exact same thing."
"Brava!"- Bookish-3920
"NTA."
"She was trying to put you down."
"You just played her game better than she did."- LowBalance4404
"NTA."
"She was being mean-spirited and condescending, and the intent was to put you down and make you feel small."
"How does your husband not see that that IS malicious?"
"People who are judgmental of others should be ready to face judgment themselves."
"Otherwise, they should keep their mouth shut."
"I also don't see how she has the audacity to text you that you were out of line when she was out of line to begin with."- TA_totellornottotell
"NTA."
"No one in the real world cares which UofT campus you went to."
"UofT itself is already a cool enough uni to graduate from."
"If she can't take it, she shouldn't dish it."
"Her saying 'Not the actual one' was 100% malicious lol because it was so unnecessary AND she went out of her way to add that."
"Idk why your husband says otherwise."
"But, echoing similar comments: it's gonna be real awkward if this is unresolved."
"Hopefully, you two can discuss this like real adults."
"But, she might feel insecure for being a SAHM, and is clutching on to the fact that she went to the St George campus to make herself feel better/her self-esteem higher."
"So maybe keep that in mind if you do decide to talk to her."- purpleraccoons
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment, and sharing where things currently stood with their SIL:
"I was heartened by all the NTA votes."
"I read a lot of the comments and really appreciated those saying I wasn't the instigator, so I was in the clear."
"As I read more comments and the way my SIL was being mentioned, it made me feel bad."
"I don't blame the comments; they were only going by the context I had provided."
"But I took the fact that my SIL being criticized heavily was making me uneasy as a cue to mend the relationship."
"She isn't a bad person, she and I aren't bffs but have always been cordial to each other."
"The NTA verdict had given me the peace of mind that my reply wasn't totally uncalled for."
"So I asked my husband if she was still messaging him."
"He said she'd just sent a final wall of text of how hurt she was and then gone quiet."
"I asked him what he thought. He said he'd told her that her remark was thoughtless."
"But told me that there are levels to this; my reply really cut her."
"I told him I was willing to apologize if she did too."
"Last night I got a call from her."
"She said that she had realized that her comment about UTM had come across as insulting and that was not her intention."
"She said she was really proud of me and my career and the way I juggled it with being a mother and apologized for her remark."
"I thanked her and said my comment about her degree was out of line."
"That she's an awesome mother, and my remark had zero thought behind it, it was just me saying whatever I could in the moment."
"She broke down a bit, and that honestly made me feel terrible."
"I teared up too, and we just agreed to put this behind us."
"Like I mentioned in my original post, my reply was instinctive."
"I don't think she's wasting her degree, and I hope her comment had equally no thought behind it."
"But I'm glad I patched it up with her."
It's unclear what the OP's SIL was trying to imply with her remark about their different campuses.
But it's easy to see why the OP interpreted it as a dig.
The OP didn't need to sink to that level, but seeing as they both expressed their regrets on this matter, one can be grateful that all is forgiven, and this will hopefully be water under the bridge.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.