Using people for anything is never usually a good idea.
People don’t generally appreciate being used.
Sometimes people don’t realize that’s what they’re doing, though.
But when those actions are publicly called out, the fallout can be rough.
Redditor crowngotnone wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for using a disabled person for my ‘own benefit?'”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So I (18 F[emale]) took A[merican] S[ign] L[anguage] lessons in H[igh] S[chool], but up until now I’ve never had a deaf friend.”
“This year I started college, and there’s a deaf-mute person in my class.”
“He uses an interpreter during lessons.”
“Everyone has been nice to him, but no one really tried to get to know him or actually befriend him, so he wasn’t very close with anyone.”
“I’m not judging them for that; had I not already taken ASL in high school, I probably wouldn’t have learned just for him either.”
“But after I told him I knew some ASL and started signing with him, we naturally got close.”
“Since September, I’ve been signing with him almost daily, and my signing has gotten sooooooo much better!!”
“Anyway, about a week ago, he suggested that I start taking ASL lessons again, and I joked, ‘That’s what you’re for!'”
“It was absolutely a joke, like I laughed right after as I signed it, but maybe because my signing was off (I don’t know), he took it seriously and got offended.”
“I apologized and explained it was just a joke.”
“He said he understood and even apologized for getting upset in the first place.”
“He acted a bit distant for a couple of days more, but eventually got over it, and we’re completely fine now.”
“But today, one of my other friends told me that he said he noticed Nolan and me had been a bit distant lately, and asked if everything was alright.”
“I told him we had a little fight, ‘but don’t worry, we’re completely fine now.'”
“But for some reason, he wouldn’t let it go!!”
“First, he made jokes like ‘there’s some truth in every joke,’ which I laughed off, but then he said something like ‘I knew you wouldn’t hang with a guy like him for no reason.’”
“I was like: ???? Excuse me?”
“I told him that was such a rude thing to say, and he said it was the truth.”
“I called him out for being a bigot a**hole, and an ableist, which I guess got under his skin, because he snapped back at me, and said I’m not one to talk that, I’m worse than him, and that I’m ‘taking advantage of a disabled guy’ and ‘using him for my own benefit.’”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA. Not because you’re ‘using’ your deaf friend to learn, but because of the way you shut him down when he suggested you take more ASL classes.”
“Your friend probably wants you to get better at ASL so that he can talk to you more easily about more different subjects, but instead, you laughed his suggestion off and made a joke at his expense.”
“If you’re not interested in taking another class because you don’t think there’s anything helpful that’s readily available, or if you just don’t have time right now, or there’s some other good reason, you should explain to your friend what you’re thinking.”
“But be prepared for him to feel like ‘not a priority’ for you afterwards, if being able to talk to him better really isn’t a priority/interest of yours.”
“On the other hand, if you are interested in making an effort on your own to learn more, you should make that clear to him, too.” ~ ChimericalTrainer
“This is the correct answer.”
“OP is TA for this reason.”
“Also, given that there is a lot of consideration around deaf culture as a specific and unique culture, this is sort of like if OPs friend was the only racial/ethnic minority or international student in class and asked OP to go learn more about their culture (perhaps to reduce the burden of having to explain everything), and OP joked that the minority friend WAS their cultural education.”
“Very much in poor taste, and makes me wonder if OP has been spewing microaggressions here and there.” ~ freakybread
“It also doesn’t sound like he’s horribly offended by her faux pas.”
“She apologized, and he accepted it.”
“Also, he does seem to like her company and wants to stay her friend.”
“She has made an effort to learn his language and communicate with him.”
“That goes a long way.”
“She just has to make another good push at it in real classes to take the pressure off him.”
“I have trouble calling her an a**hole for a brief, thoughtless joke.”
“She’s just misread the situation.”
“We’ve all done it, and your comment will hopefully bring her attention to it so she can fix it.”
“I like that this post highlights that small interactions can be important, without being super high-stakes and dramatic.”
“We all miss things and make mistakes.”
“This is a great opportunity for her to learn and better herself.” ~ reluctantseal
“‘Since September, I’ve been signing with him almost daily, and my signing has gotten sooooooo much better!!'”
“‘Anyway, about a week ago, he suggested that I start taking ASL lessons again.'”
“Sounds as if perhaps large parts of your conversations consist of you learning to sign better (with no ill intent on your side, but probably with a lot of ‘so how does one sign this? Oh, thanks, so as I was saying…um… I don’t really know the sign for (whatever) yet… I see, thanks, yeah, so.)'”
“He seems to be tired of that and probably just wants some relaxed chatting without having to be in teacher mode all the time.”
“So he suggested you start taking lessons again to shift the constant teaching from your conversations.”
“And when you said ‘that’s what you are for,’ he got (understandably) pissed that you only seem to be interested in the part of your interactions that he is not enjoying.” ~ Future-Crazy-CatLady
“100% this.”
“My day job is in accessibility compliance, and I myself self-advocate for my many disabilities.”
“The number of people who befriend me and then I’m the one they ask for help with ANY disability help is… staggering.”
“The emotional labor is not insignificant.” ~ writingfren
“The hand-waving away of the amount of labor that goes into advocacy and accessibility drives me up the wall.”
“It’s hard, it’s work, and it’s concerning how often it’s framed as something only disabled people are in charge of, and if they aren’t getting the help they need, then it’s their fault for not trying hard enough.”
“It’s doubly infuriating that it’s other disabled people taking advantage of your friendship, and I’m really sorry that keeps happening.” ~ forgotmyf**kingname
“I’m deaf, and it’s exhausting.”
“Every single person expects me to be their teacher, it’s got to the point I actually hate it, knowing a language and being able to teach are two very different things.” ~ Championship-Lumpy
“Mild YTA here, more of ‘you’re the thoughtless one.'”
“So yeah, I get the ‘I thought that was what you were for?’ deadpan, but put yourself in Nolan’s shoes.”
“You go to college.”
“Nobody talks to you, or is capable of talking to you, without an interpreter.”
“Someone approaches you, and hot damn, they can communicate with you!”
“You spend a bunch of time talking and getting to know this person.”
“You suggest that hey, maybe they should take some classes so they know more of your language and you can communicate with each other better!”
“Person replies with something that feels like what you thought was friendship is you being used as a learning experience/tutor.”
“You are 100% going to question the motives behind that friendship, and wonder exactly how much of it is based on ‘Hey! I get free ASL practice!'”
“It’s none of the other friends’ business, but I can 100% see where it appears to other friends and Nolan that there were other motivations behind talking to him.” ~ indiegeek
“All friendships have benefits.”
“This friendship does improve your ASL, but that wasn’t your goal.”
“Honestly, do you even care if your ASL skills are improved, because you didn’t mention that you valued that, just that it was happening accidentally.”
“I don’t think you care about ASL, but you do seem like a good person who is open to friendship with someone who is disabled.”
“You seem great, don’t let the bastards get you down.” ~ nameofplumb
“YTA. He straightaway told you that you need more lessons.”
“Your signing may have improved, but not enough.”
“I speak a second language poorly and can’t imagine asking a fluent friend to be my only source of learning.””
“Take the classes and apologize properly to Nolan.” ~ HeimdallThePrimeYall
“NTA. I don’t think you’re an asshole for making a mistake, just a little insensitive and clearly apologetic.”
“It also sounds as though Nolan has forgiven you, which is really the main thing.”
“It’s none of your other friends’ business, and the fact that he’s taken it so far reeks of virtue signalling to me.” ~beththereader
Reddit has some issues with your behavior, OP.
You weren’t flat-out malicious, and you have apologized.
Just be more aware going forward.
It may be up to you to cultivate this friendship further.
Nolan may need you to rebuild trust.
Good Luck.