Relationships are built on levels of trust and independence. On one hand, you’re meant to be a team, you two against the world, helping each other when necessary.
On the other hand, Redditor Weary-Yam-829 found herself in a bit of a pinch when she lied to her husband because he wanted her to do something she didn’t want to do. The original poster (OP) kept doubling down on the lie, but isn’t sure his initial request was reasonable.
OP is asking the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about what happened.
The board with judge her based on this:
“AITA for lying to my husband about going to the gym?”
Why did she feel she had to lie?
“OK so here’s the basics, I (27 f[emale]) have been married to my husband (34m[ale]) for two years. we have two kids (11m, he’s adopted and 1m).”
“And he’s a super fit guy. He likes to go camping, hiking swimming etc with our adopted son, i think that’s why he wanted to adopt a kid tbh.”
“I am not overweight or anything, but I’m not exactly in good shape. We tried to go on a family camping trip last fall but after about an hour i was just destroyed and we had to go back to the car.”
“I hate working out, I hate being sweaty and working hard. But he was really upset with me.”
“He thought that i was keeping in shape during the day because I’m a stay at home mom, he doesn’t understand how much work a baby is. He works in IT so he spends all day sitting, not on his feet.”
“Now, I promised to get in better shape, so he started paying for a professional child carer to come over and look after the baby for two hours a day to give me a break, and signed me up for a gym.”
“But after a month he came home angry and told me he talked to the gym and they hadn’t seen me come in once. I told him it was a mixed gym and I’m not comfortable working out around men.”
“I promised him I’d join curves and actually work out, and offered him he could track my phone to prove i was going.”
“He already insists on tracking our older son’s phone, and lets me and our son track him. but ive always made excuses. I just think it’s creepy and controlling.”
“So i drive to the gym and i think… i hate the gym. i hate working out, and I’m an adult god damn it!”
“So I just waited in my car. sometimes i wait in the café next to the gym or something.”
“But i just haven’t gone to the gym at al for the last two months. And he keeps asking me how I’m feeling and i keep saying it’s great and I’m enjoying it.”
“But yesterday he was waiting for me when i came home. he asked me how the gym was and i said it was great. he asked if i have any problems and i said no. asked me if i showered at the gym and i said yeah.
“Then he pulled out my gym bag. he took it out of my car two days ago. he realized i never washed my gym clothes.”
“He’s pissed, says I lied to him . i told him he kept pressuring me and it’s making me really uncomfortable. He’ been sleeping in his home office for the last week.”
“I don’t get the big deal, i told him i’ll go to the gym for real but he says he doesn’t care anymore and walks away.”
OP doesn’t think she should have had to go to the gym in the first place. But she kept insisting to her husband that she was instead of talking to him.
Who is in the wrong here?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The board found itself debating the issue. There was a lot at play here, and how it fell would determine who was at fault.
It was difficult to figure out a way to go.
“ESH. Your husband sounds controlling but that doesn’t make it OK that you straight up lied to him about it.”
“If you didn’t want to go to the gym you should have told him that. You guys have issues you need to work out asap.” – ArtlessOne
“OP said ‘I’m adult enough to choose whether or not to work out, but I’m definitely not adult enough to be truthful with my husband about that choice’ lol ESH” – sashikku
“Dudes clearly a controlling a**hole, I don’t blame her for lying to him.” – Advanced-Lettuce3540
“But if I read right, it’s OP who suggested that he tracks her to prove that she was going to the gym (which she had no plans of going to) how is he in the wrong for doing what she told him to do?” – Goddess-Ylvia
“You, for lying and not standing up for yourself. Allowing him to pay for childcare and a gym, and then repeatedly making up reasons for not going.”
“You could have had a simple conversation with him in regards to why you didn’t want to go or work out and that you hate it.”
“Him, for displaying controlling behavior and treating you like a child. Which, if my partner was lying and hiding stuff… I would want to find out as well and I’d probably do the same thing.”
“The trust in your relationship has been fundamentally broken.” – Mental-Amphibian-154
However, in the end, it was determined that OP was at fault.
She provided the suggestion that her husband track her to prove she was going to the gym. She continuously lied about going rather than talking with her husband about why she didn’t want to go.
And for some, they felt she was wrong to stay in the relationship if she didn’t like she was being treated well.
Many commenters found some reason to blame OP for this mess she was in.
“I’m wavering a little on the husband being overly controlling for a few reasons.”
“1. Him wanting OP to be physically fit after a disappointing end to a family trip is sort of understandable. If that’s the case, then physical appearance isn’t the problem that he wanted to address, but moreso OP’s lack of stamina.”
“2. The phone thing seems to be a family rule, the dad and kids all have their locations on. Only OP isn’t included in it because she expressed that she didn’t like it.”
“It was also OP who suggested that her location be tracked moving forward, after being caught in her lie. And then she proceeded to lie about her location some more by only staying near the gym, but never going inside.”
“3. OP herself said her husband worked out in the first gym. I don’t think much digging needed to be done to find out about her absence, just a simple ‘hey I’m looking for OP, have you seen her’ would’ve revealed it.”
“The only ‘real’ controlling thing I saw was him hiding her gym bag. But, as you said, even I’d wanna find out if my SO’s lying and hiding something.”
“Actually, I think OP’s the a**hole now. She’s been unwilling to even try since the beginning. The husband has given her many, many options that she simply refused to take.”
“And I don’t see her offering up solutions either.” – Trick_Literature_
“I agree. I initially went to the husband being controlling, but we are only seeing one side of the story here. If my partner was in such bad shape that they couldn’t go on a camping trip that an 11 year old can easily handle, I would probably strongly suggest that they work on their fitness so we can continue to be healthy together, both for ourselves and our children.”
“That’s not like ‘oh I’ve been bad about exercising lately’ shape, that is ‘you are going to start suffering health consequences if you don’t get you’re a** in gear’ shape, and I don’t think it’s wrong to expect that your partner do the minimum to take care of themselves.”
“He didn’t criticize her appearance or set the expectation that she needed to be as committed to fitness as him, he is just asking her to be able to walk for an hour without breaking down”
“I wouldn’t have gone to the lengths he did to catch her in a lie, but it’s also nearly impossible to lie about working out for as long as she did and not have something seem off.” – PM_FORBUTTSTUFF
“YTA…To yourself. You’re in a relationship where you have to lie. You’re in a relationship with a man who calls a gym to check up on you.”
“You’re in a relationship with someone who is not respecting your wishes and your contributions. Be better to yourself by standing up for yourself.” – RoyallyOakie
“YTA, definitely. You made a promise, your husband paid money to allow you to keep it; you broke your promise, then you lied about it. You’ve had two months to ‘be an adult’ and state your case, but you just lied over and over and over.”
“I do not blame your husband for walking away. You have established a pattern of being untrustworthy; no-one wants that in a partner.”
“Especially if that duplicity comes bundled with throwing away money that could have been used for something else; eg. something for you to actually do during your daily break.”
“(As for the ‘creepy and controlling’ bit: both of you offered to let the other track your phone, and in both cases the other declined. He called the first gym… why?”
“If it was to check up on your attendance, that could be considered controlling. But you don’t say, so I have to assume that he was trying to set up payment for the next month, a completely innocent act.)” – Mad-Elf
At this point, OP has lied and burned bridges in her own relationship. She can explain to her husband why she doesn’t want to work out, and see if there’s other family activities they can do together.
But lying and making someone else pay a lot of money under false pretenses probably isn’t the best way to build a relationship.