All a child wants as they grow up is to please their parents and make them proud. That said, the world parents grew up in is vastly different from the world their children grow up in, because society and culture change with each passing year.
This often results in children unexpectedly veering away from the life their parents wanted for them.
The sister of Redditor Adept_Ad_8052 had always made their parents proud, living the life they always dreamed she would live.
Until recently, when the original poster (OP)'s sister found herself in a situation that affected her marriage.
While she found herself at odds with much of her family, the OP stood firmly by her sister's side.
Wondering if she was in the wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for supporting my married sister when she fell in love with someone else?"
The OP explained why she supported her sister when the rest of their family turned their backs on her:
"I'm 31 F[emale], and my sister is 41 F."
'For context, we are Indian, where arranged marriages are a common occurrence."
"My sister is a doctor, and when she was 25, my parents and family started looking for matches for her (with her consent)."
'This is how she was introduced to my BIL (now 44 M[ale])."
"They were 30 and 33 at the time, respectively."
"They met a couple of times, went on a few 'dates', and agreed to get married."
"My sister was under immense pressure to get married then, and this was the first guy she felt understood her and respected her, so she agreed."
"5 years of arranged marriage proposals had taken a toll on her, and I know she was under pressure, but again, I was very young and didn't fully understand a lot of what she went through (for me, I was plain excited about dressing up and having a wedding in the family)."
"For all intents and purposes, they had a good marriage."
"They weren't madly in love or even pretended to be, but they were friends with a healthy respect for each other."
""They have two kids, 8 M and 6 F."
"Last week my sister called me crying."
"It turns out, over the last few months, she had a co-worker at her hospital whom she developed feelings for."
"She tried to brush it away, avoid him, and stop talking to him, but it didn't help."
"He was also attracted to her and apparently confessed it to her."
"She was clear that NO boundaries were crossed and she didn't plan to either - but the whole thing showed her she doesn't want to stay in her marriage anymore."
"She already spoke to her husband and then told the whole family and obviously sh*t hit the fan."
"Her in-laws are furious and are demanding she 'correct herself and think about the kids and the future'."
"Her husband is divided- on the one hand, he is understandably hurt, and on the other he feels that if she isn't planning to pursue a relationship with him (which we asked her many times and she is clear she isn't), then he feels it 'doesn't make sense to uproot everyone's lives for this'."
"My parents want to support her, but I can sense they are also divided."
"I wholeheartedly supported her, and then the lines were drawn."
"To me, all that matters is that she says she doesn't want to continue the marriage."
"She didn't cheat, she didn't plan to, and she was open and honest from the beginning."
"Humans change, and sometimes that means a marriage that used to work doesn't anymore (this is my opinion for which I was called the a**hole)."
"My sister is visibly depressed and isolated by everyone at the moment."
"She's not looking good, not eating or sleeping well, so I invited her over to take care of her."
"Everyone from her in-laws to her husband is now angry at me - saying I'm 'encouraging her in the wrong direction' and 'brainwashing her'."
"That 'my fiancé should think twice' now before marrying me."
"My parents are torn, but I sense they don't fully understand."
"My sister is the typical 'perfect girl' all my life she has been the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect wife and the perfect mother."
"She has never acted out impulsively ever and was actually the one to always give me a shoulder to cry on when I do act impulsively."
"So I take it very very seriously when she does take a decision like this, because I know she didn't do it unless she absolutely cracked."
"She's someone who always wants to 'keep the peace' and even when crying her main pain point was how she was 'letting everyone down'."
"Barring the first 2 days when she came over, was ill, and settling in, the kids are with us at my home."
"Up until my niece and nephew where in preschool, my sister was the one who was the primary caretaker as it is a norm in his family 'that young children need the mother more' my sister was absolutely hands on and her career took a backseat."
"When the younger one went to first grade this year, was when she resumed more of her old work routines."
"My BIL is NOT a bad parent by any means, but his job has longer hours and, in typical fashion, he likes to come home and 'relax'."
"So he isn't the parent who is handling their daily schoolwork, homework, and lunches and dinners."
"He's the dad who plays with them on the weekends and does the fun stuff."
"That routine continues as of the immediate plans now."
"They are not neglected, neither parent is shirking duty, and both kids know they are loved."
"So am I the AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for supporting her sister.
Everyone agreed that the OP was the only person who was taking her sister's happiness and well-being into account, which was exactly what she needed during this difficult time:
"NTA."
"Get your sister out of that house asap and get her a divorce lawyer."- iknowsomethings2
"NTA."
"F*ck these kinds of oppressive structures."
"She’s an adult and should be allowed to make her own decisions."- howmanyhowcanamanyho
"NTA."
"Your sister is trapped in an inflexible societal system and has never cared about her happiness."
"Why isn’t your sister, as a human being, entitled to happiness?"- LavenderPearlTea
"NTA."
"Literally the only thing that matters in a marriage is that both parties consent."
"Your sister doesn’t want to consent to being married anymore."
'It’s as simple as that - any of your family not supporting her in that are huge AHs."
"Glad you’re helping your sister."
"Stay strong."- Ok_Letterhead_1008
"NTA.'
"If she hasn't yet, she has to have a conversation with her kids about the situation and explain everything (age appropriately of course)."
"Otherwise it's very likely that they'll only hear her in-laws' version of what happened and your sister won't look good in it."- one_odd_pancake
"I've had a friend who was pressured to get married since she got her bachelor's at 20-21ish because 'this is the right time per the astrologer, your sister has to get married too, and this is the right age'."
"Coming from a mother who herself is in an abusive marriage."
"She was enrolled in a master's program with me under the condition that she get married the moment she graduated - and she did. I can't comment on the decision, because she agreed to it."
"But don't think a person (both a man and a woman) who has been conditioned their whole life to having these milestones set in stone can actually consent to having to make a decision that will impact their whole life, but is forced upon by parents/society as a whole."
"She was brainwashed when she was forced to marry a person she didn't see herself spending her life with, into a family that treats her like an achievement rather than a person."
"NTA."
"I hope more people extend the empathy you have for others."- GuraSaannnnnn
"Indian man’s perspective:"
"You’re NTA. You’re doing what’s good for your sister."
"That’s what family is for. And sibling relationship is the longest one you’ll have in your life, long after your parents are gone, and you and your sister are left to deal with problems later in life."
"So be proud of yourself."
"And ignore the people who will not be there to deal with the fallout."
"As for the husband, realize that he too is a person who was put in the exact same situation."
"Except he was used to suppressing his need to find love."
"He had assumed what he had with his wife was love and that is as good as it gets."
"Your sister opened her eyes and can’t close them back."
"But it’s not easy for him to understand right now."
"He probably feels like he was just used and is being thrown away after putting in years of his life into this marriage."
"Suggest marriage counseling."
'I’m sure this will be addressed and a good therapist should be able to help him realize that he too deserves to be with someone who loves him."
"He may not realize that right now, but it’s better for him as well."
"Life is too short to be in an empty, loveless marriage, even if they are able to show an appearance to make it work."
"You need to be more than roommates with kids."- iamprasad88
It would be something if the OP's sister were intentionally trying to hurt her family.
However, that is not what is happening at all.
The OP's sister is finding her world shattered in ways she never expected, and what she needs most is to know her family loves her.
Only the OP gives any indication of that.
