For some people, priorities in life are family and relationships.
For others, it’s career or another passion in life.
When someone in the former group marries someone from the latter, though, it gets a little tricky.
Throw in a pregnancy and a fake ultimatum, and the waters become even murkier.
A surgeon on Reddit told his pregnant wife to leave their home after she faked a break up because he wasn’t spending enough time with her, so he turned to the “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor throwraleavingf asked:
“AITAH for asking my pregnant wife to leave our home after she faked breaking up with me just to get a reaction out of me?”
“I think I was too harsh”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So, my wife and I have been together for 3 years , and she’s currently pregnant with our first child.”
“For some context, I’m a surgeon and have always had long hours.”
“This has been a known part of my life since before we started dating.”
“Recently, she’s been asking me to leave my job to do something with better hours, like private practice, because she says we need more time together.”
“While I totally understand her perspective, being a surgeon is what I’ve worked my entire life for, and my long hours are just part of that.”
“I can’t just flip a switch and move into clinic work; it’s not that simple, and it’s not what I trained for.”
“Anyway, the other day, out of the blue, she says she doesn’t want to be in this marriage anymore because of the issues we’ve been having.”
“Mainly, she wants more of my time, which, as I said, isn’t possible given my career.”
“When she told me she wanted out, I just said, ‘Okay.'”
“I told her that I appreciate her being honest and that if she truly feels like she can’t be happy with me, I understand.”
“I’m a secure person, and if she’s not happy, I’m not going to convince her to stay with me just for the sake of staying together.”
“She seemed surprised by my reaction and asked why I wasn’t fighting for our marriage or trying to ‘fix’ things.”
“I told her that if I did, it would feel like I’m begging her to stay, and that’s not what I want.”
“If she’s unhappy, she doesn’t owe me a reason to leave.”
“The point is that she doesn’t want to be with me, and that’s enough.”
“This seemed to frustrate her even more.”
“She said something like, ‘So you’d rather walk away than work on the reasons why I’m unhappy?'”
“I told her it’s not that.”
“I would’ve been happy to have a conversation about making things work realistically, but she already decided she wanted out, and I firmly told her that I wasn’t going be in a situation with my partner where they expected me to beg or grovel for their love.”
“I respect myself too much for that.”
“She started crying and confessed that this whole thing wasn’t real—that she was just testing me.”
“She wanted to see how I would react because she’s been feeling neglected with me not being around enough, and she thought that ‘breaking up’ would force me to address that.”
“By that point, I’d already changed my mind.”
“I told her I can’t be with someone who would casually say they want to end our marriage just to get a reaction out of me.”
“If she’s willing to throw around the idea of breaking up so easily to make a point, that’s a huge red flag for me.”
“I told her I deserve a relationship built on mutual respect and commitment, and this isn’t it.”
“Now I’ve decided to leave.”
“I’ve asked her to move to her parents’ place since the house is mine.”
“She’s pregnant, and I know this complicates things, but after what she did, I don’t feel like this marriage is salvageable.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors felt OP was NTA in the situation, claiming his wife’s strategy to get more attention was manipulative.
“NTA. You do not marry a surgeon and expect him to be home most of the day or even at predictable hours.”
“She needs to grow up, get therapy or something.”
“Not to harsh at all, she knew what she was walking into.”
“Congratulations on the upcoming baby btw.” – Appropriate-Sand-192
“NTA, FOFO or play stupid games and win stupid prizes, I also would react the same way and just be ‘fine, if that is what you want, not gonna fight for anyone who doesn’t want to be with me.'”
“Never do that (tell them that you are breaking up) to your partner if you do not mean it because it will kill most relationships.” – forgeris
“NTA. It’s understandable to be hurt and feel betrayed after your wife faked a breakup.”
“While her intentions might have been to get your attention, it’s a manipulative and damaging way to communicate.”
“It’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being in a relationship.” – Flirtatious_Lyla
“I never understood people who play these BS games.”
“Like others have said FAFO, it never ends well and is manipulative AF.”
“Good on you, I hope you find someone better.” – xanthanos
More agreed OP was NTA, but they urged him to talk to his wife before giving up on the marriage altogether.
“Here’s my take.”
“First, NTA. I hate this kind of garbage ultimatum behavior. It’s childish.”
“I understand why you reacted the way you did.”
“However. I believe what your wife wants is to feel like a priority.”
“I’m not in your marriage, but feeling like a priority doesn’t necessarily mean changing your work or life.”
“When you are with your wife, how do you two interact?”
“Are you present? Do you try to take some of the burden of planning things to do together, of making her feel special?”
“Does she do things for you that you don’t acknowledge and take for granted? Are you vulnerable with her and do you tell her that the hours you put in are for both of you?”
“Yes, fulfillment for you in your career but also to build a life that hopefully will be quite comfortable with you being a surgeon.”
“I don’t think one childish episode from your wife, who is pregnant and perhaps has a lot of hormones messing with her, is sufficient reason to give up and walk away if you truly love her.”
“I believe you need to sit down with a good counselor to help get to the heart of what your wife actually wants.”
“If she truly is demanding a career change, to private practice, then you can walk away and coparent your child.”
“But if what she wants is to feel like she is as important to you as your work then I think you could make some small changes that could really alleviate that.”
“That’s my take, a random Redditor who often has to tell my husband that I would like more of his attention.”
“It’s not about a number of hours or days; I just want to feel like I’m still his priority when we do have time together.” – FloofyDireWolf
“I don’t agree with what the wife did at all.”
“It’s immature and manipulative.”
“That said, I wouldn’t rush to divorce…..especially with a baby coming.”
“Why wouldn’t you go a round of counseling first to see if the marriage can be saved.”
“Having been divorced before, I think it’s disingenuous to divorce without trying to work through it first.” – calvin-not-Hobbes
Others, however, did feel OP was the a**hole in the situation and questioned if he was even truly invested in the marriage.
“You’ve got a PREGNANT wife who clearly loves you and wants more time with you.”
“She expresses it, and you’re finding excuses, mainly selfish ones, not to work on yourself or your marriage.”
“So bc she’s so upset, she comes up with this ‘test’ (yes, it’s unhealthy, but she was brought to that point… Yes, by you entirely), and how you failed her is crazy.”
“She asked all the relevant questions: are you giving up that easily? Not trying to talk things out? Not trying to salvage the marriage?”
“No one said you have to beg, yeah, but your not being afraid of losing her for a single second shows your lack of love.”
“Indeed, imho all you proved here is that you simply don’t love her.”
“What about therapy, couple’s counseling, or trying to explain to her you’re not able, by choice of, to address her demands favorably – she’s preggo, she’s hormonal, you have no idea, and will never have an idea of what she’s going through at the moment.”
“You love yourself way more than you love her or your future child.”
“YTA, and a major one at that.”
“I hope she finds the one who won’t ever make her feel so low and so unloved that she’d have to resort to ‘tests’ like this.” – Temporary-Draw-1164
“She’s pregnant and hormonal.”
“You’re TAH. You’re thinking ONLY about yourself.”
“Good luck to your kid, poor thing.” – Berthabutz
“Your wife is pregnant.”
“There is an actual baby coming, and she can’t even depend upon you to be there.”
“She is probably terrified, and trying anything she can think of to get you to respond to the situation.”
“She doesn’t want to be a single mother.”
“Your answer is that she will be one, regardless of whether she is married to you because your job is all that matters.”
“You know darn well that you can be a surgeon without emotionally abandoning your wife and child.”
“The fact that you have jumped to divorce so easily makes me wonder whether you had ever committed to this marriage at all.”
“What would the discussion look like if you were more committed to your family than to your job?”
“Because that is what marriage is supposed to be; a sacred vow.”
“Y.T.A.” – TruCelt
According to his fellow Redditors, it sounds like OP already has his mind made up.
If not, though, he seriously needs to consider having some in-depth conversations with his wife.