Having a sick child is a nightmare parents are haunted by.
When a child has to spend time in a hospital, everything seems to stop.
So many parents feel helpless.
But there is only so much any parent can do except offer support and wait.
Parents are humans, not superheroes.
Redditor Anoncuzcrazyex wanted to discuss his experience and get feedback, so he naturally joined the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not staying overnight at the hospital with our 7-year-old son along with my extra wife?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Our son has a bad case of pneumonia, requiring a surgical procedure to drain fluid from his chest, and now he has a chest tube."
"The infection is pretty bad.
"We've been here about 8 days, and he is finally starting to turn a corner."
"The fevers are less frequent and not as high."
"I have been here every day and will continue to do so."
"His mom, my ex-wife, is also here, but during the day, she's working (remotely) and a little more distracted."
"A couple of days ago, with our son showing some progress."
"I decided to leave for the night so I can get some rest."
"His mom will leave for about 3 hours in the late afternoon/evening to shower, change, do whatever, and when she returns, I leave."
"At that time, our son is getting ready to sleep or is sleeping."
"I return first thing in the morning, between 6 and 6:30 am, to make sure I am here for the Doctor's rounds or any early morning procedure such as labs or X-rays."
"Full transparency, my girlfriend lives nearby, and I go to her house to shower, change, and get some rest in a real bed."
"I've offered my son's mom the same opportunity."
"I've told her that if she wanted to go home for the night, I am more than happy to stay."
"However, she refuses, and today when I made the same offer she said no, she's going to stay with our son and doesn't understand how any parent can leave their child at the hospital so they can go be with their partner."
"Apparently, she can still get in my head because here I am asking if I am the a**hole for leaving my son at the hospital with his mom, my ex-wife, instead of staying the night."
"Should I also be staying if she's here?"
"Typo: It is Ex-wife, not extra wife, although I'm glad I didn't catch it because the extra wife comments gave me a much-needed laugh, thank you."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
"OK, your title typo is delightful."
"I was really looking forward to learning what an extra wife is."
"But to your question, NTA!"
"Sounds like your ex is playing the martyr."
"I mean, there's nothing wrong with feeling like you can't leave your very sick child in the hospital, but there's also nothing wrong with leaving him while someone else is there so you can take care of yourself - especially since you have offered the same to her."
"It's just two different ways of responding to a crisis, so her laying a guilt trip on you for responding differently is not healthy." ~ MrsWeasley9
"To add to this, good for OP for taking care of yourself."
"You won't do your son any good if by the time he's released, you haven't had a good night's rest in weeks."
"You are putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others, so to speak."
"Your son is likely going to need additional care, and you'll be better prepared for that if you aren't already totally exhausted." ~ Warvanov
"Look, some hospitals don't allow more than one person to stay."
"Mothers always get priority on this."
"And his mother is staying."
"Plus, there are doctors on call if something really goes wrong."
"Your ex is just stressing over the situation of her child being in the hospital, and she is going to be snappy."
"As she is not giving herself any real respite."
"Please don't read anything into it."
"Remember, you loved her once." ~ Creepy-Brick-
"You are NTA, there is no need for both parents to be there 24/7."
"You should be splitting most of the coverage time so you can both get some decent sleep."
"Hospital sleep is not sufficient to stay healthy and sane." ~ Moulin-Rougelach
"I'm sorry your son has been so sick."
"Your ex is sounding stressed; don't let her remarks get taken to heart."
"If you're managing to show up at 6 am to make doctor rounds, you are doing a LOT."
"You know you're not leaving your son for time with your G[irl]F[riend]; you're using it to crash."
"I see why she's your ex. NTA." ~ CaliforniaJade
"NTA - married couple, and we took turns in the hospital with our kid."
"Both parents burning out helps no one." ~ Kami_Sang
"I agree with you."
"Plus, he said his partner lives close by to shower, change, sleep."
"Maybe the ex doesn't have a place close."
"It's expensive for a hotel plus gas going back and forth."
"I don't even want to know what the hospital bill is going to be." ~ SYadonMom
"Tentative, NAH."
"I say this as someone with a unique perspective."
"I'm a mom to a child who spent the first 2-3 weeks of his life in the hospital and has also had several surgeries since for reasons connected to that initial stay."
"Moms/Women are pressured to stay."
"Not just by society but by hospital staff."
"I still remember vividly, over 10 years later, being told by a nurse that if I didn't stay overnight (after staying 5 nights in a row and trying to switch out with my son's father so I could go finish out a week's worth of homework in a night since their wifi was crap), she would call Child Services and have my child taken from me."
"The pressure on moms is absolutely intense, especially by hospital staff."
"What she's telling you is what she's been fed the entire time she's been a mom, probably not just by hospital staff, but possibly by family and friends as well as society."
"While it isn't fair for her to push this on you, I don't think it necessarily makes her an AH."
"If there's a way to help her see that taking a little time to herself doesn't make her a bad mother, try to help her see that."
"She may be an ex, but the mother of your child deserves that kindness."
"Wishing healing for your little one and less stress on you and your family." ~ artemis1860
"This,100%."
"Obviously, they're both stressed, and OP is thoughtful to offer her a break, but the pressure to never leave your child's side is definitely different for moms vs dads."
"I hope OP doesn't take her comments to heart."
"This is a very stressful situation for both of them, and he's NTA for staying somewhere to rest." ~ jmp397
"'Extra wife' is the most glorious typo I've ever seen."
"NTA in this case, but you would be if you truly had an extra wife."
"Your ex is probably stressed, resentful, and under pressure."
"You probably are, too. Both of you could use some patience and grace." ~ Longjumping-Lake1244
"NTA, as a nurse, I want to remind you that you can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself."
"There's a reason there's a whole field dedicated to respite care." ~ islandsomething
"I've been your kid."
"I was a few years older, but the same thing happened to me."
"What I remember is my mom being there most of the time and my dad only in and out for short periods."
"I've always thought he should've stayed more, and she should've had more chances to go get some rest because it's hard to care for your child if you don't also take care of yourself."
"I never felt I needed both of them there."
"Honestly, I remember that room being small and a little claustrophobic, so both parents staying the night would've been too cramped anyway. NTA." ~ justlurkingnjudging
"I just went through something similar."
"I stayed the night, husband went home to sleep/manage pets/etc. and came back first thing every day."
"Your child needs rest, not a room full of people (even parents)."
"To your ex's defense, she's probably exhausted and scared and not her best self and possibly lashing out not because you're wrong but because the situation is terrible."
"I hope your kiddo is better soon!" ~ jenniferjuniper16
"Please. When I was in second grade, I spent two weeks in the hospital."
"My parents did not stay with me for one night."
"Because they had jobs and other kids."
"And you know what?"
"Even as a kid, I understood that. NTA." ~ MerelyWhelmed1
"NTA. And I'm not even completely sure your ex is TA either - this is just a really stressful situation, and she's probably exhausted and worried and on edge."
"It was nice of you to offer, and truthfully, with extended stays inpatient like this, it's important for parents to take care of themselves, too."
"You're not TA for getting some rest so you can continue to show up and be there for the important stuff."
"Crossing my fingers and toes your child recovers swiftly and everything ends up alright!" ~ dohbriste
"So sorry your son is sick."
"I'm sure this is a stressful situation for everyone involved."
"I'm going to say NTA, but I will admit I probably wouldn't leave."
"Now I would have a discussion like alternating nights or day shift, night shift, since there is no need for both parents to be there to sleep."
"But your ex is really just upset thinking you're leaving your son to go have a wild, fun, sexy time while your child is suffering in the hospital."
"I wish there were an extra wife. Lol."
Don't let her get in your head." ~ Positive_Craft_4591
"NTA. If parents are married or co-parenting on the same team term, taking turns, covering each other and updating each other, trying to get some rest and trying to take care of some stuff are very understandable things to do."
"Your ex-wife still likes to discredit her former partner." ~ p9nultimat9
OP came back with an Update...
"First of all, I want to thank you all for your well wishes, it truly means a lot!"
"We are still at the hospital, but my son is doing much better."
"The chest tube is scheduled to come out tomorrow."
"He is responding well to new antibiotics, appetite is back, and fevers have been gone for over 48 hours, thank God!"
"I continue to offer my son's mom to go home for the night, but she continues to refuse."
"However, she is taking longer breaks during the day, and it seems like she is getting some rest because she comes back looking more refreshed."
"Since she insists on staying, I continue to leave for a few hours at night to get some sleep."
"However, I am back first thing in the morning before they wake and to make sure I don't miss any procedure, labs, x-ray, CT scan or any Doctor rounds, which I haven't, and I stay until my son falls asleep."
"His mom is better about me leaving, I think, because she sees how present and involved I am in our son's care, treatment, and treatment plan."
"So she stopped with the petty comments, for now, or she found this thread... lol."
"All this has taught me a valuable lesson; we hear about it all the time, but this experience really made me believe it."
"We cannot take care of other people if we don't take care of ourselves."
"I feel more present and clear-headed compared to the first few nights when I was staying all night."
"I am a bigger guy, so the tiny bed plus the frequent nurse check-ins make it impossible to get any rest."
"I was miserable during the day and was running on fumes or adrenaline since our son was in the thick of it."
"Thankfully, he's in a much more stable place."
"It really is whatever works for you."
"This is working for me, and I am ok with it."
"I get to be present all day with my son, stay engaged in his treatment, and he seems to know that I am here for him, as well as his mom."
"Side note: therapy has been good for me in learning that I needed to stop seeking validation from others and learn and work at looking for validation from within."
"Still working on that, and I have grown so much in that department everywhere else in my life."
"I learned, though, that my son's mom still knows what strings to pull to make me compromise that part of my mental well-being."
"Although this thread provided some validation, thank you, it was also a big reminder that the validation I truly need is within me."
"I know I'm doing right by my son, and I also know that I need to take care of myself so my son gets the best possible version of me."
It's great that you've found some peace, OP.
Reddit has your back.
This is a scary time for your family. It's okay to rest and take a little time to center yourself.
Hopefully, your ex can follow suit a little more. Best wishes for your son's speedy recovery.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp