Dad Berated By Ex-Wife For Going Home To Sleep While Young Son Recovers In Hospital

Having a sick child is a nightmare parents are haunted by.

When a child has to spend time in a hospital, everything seems to stop.

So many parents feel helpless.

But there is only so much any parent can do except offer support and wait.

Parents are humans, not superheroes.

Redditor Anoncuzcrazyex wanted to discuss his experience and get feedback, so he naturally joined the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.

He asked:

"AITA for not staying overnight at the hospital with our 7-year-old son along with my extra wife?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"Our son has a bad case of pneumonia, requiring a surgical procedure to drain fluid from his chest, and now he has a chest tube."

"The infection is pretty bad.

"We've been here about 8 days, and he is finally starting to turn a corner."

"The fevers are less frequent and not as high."

"I have been here every day and will continue to do so."

"His mom, my ex-wife, is also here, but during the day, she's working (remotely) and a little more distracted."

"A couple of days ago, with our son showing some progress."

"I decided to leave for the night so I can get some rest."

"His mom will leave for about 3 hours in the late afternoon/evening to shower, change, do whatever, and when she returns, I leave."

"At that time, our son is getting ready to sleep or is sleeping."

"I return first thing in the morning, between 6 and 6:30 am, to make sure I am here for the Doctor's rounds or any early morning procedure such as labs or X-rays."

"Full transparency, my girlfriend lives nearby, and I go to her house to shower, change, and get some rest in a real bed."

"I've offered my son's mom the same opportunity."

"I've told her that if she wanted to go home for the night, I am more than happy to stay."

"However, she refuses, and today when I made the same offer she said no, she's going to stay with our son and doesn't understand how any parent can leave their child at the hospital so they can go be with their partner."

"Apparently, she can still get in my head because here I am asking if I am the a**hole for leaving my son at the hospital with his mom, my ex-wife, instead of staying the night."

"Should I also be staying if she's here?"

"Typo: It is Ex-wife, not extra wife, although I'm glad I didn't catch it because the extra wife comments gave me a much-needed laugh, thank you."

The OP was left to wonder:

"So... AITA?"

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.

"OK, your title typo is delightful."

"I was really looking forward to learning what an extra wife is."

"But to your question, NTA!"

"Sounds like your ex is playing the martyr."

"I mean, there's nothing wrong with feeling like you can't leave your very sick child in the hospital, but there's also nothing wrong with leaving him while someone else is there so you can take care of yourself - especially since you have offered the same to her."

"It's just two different ways of responding to a crisis, so her laying a guilt trip on you for responding differently is not healthy." ~ MrsWeasley9

"To add to this, good for OP for taking care of yourself."

"You won't do your son any good if by the time he's released, you haven't had a good night's rest in weeks."

"You are putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others, so to speak."

"Your son is likely going to need additional care, and you'll be better prepared for that if you aren't already totally exhausted." ~ Warvanov

"Look, some hospitals don't allow more than one person to stay."

"Mothers always get priority on this."

"And his mother is staying."

"Plus, there are doctors on call if something really goes wrong."

"Your ex is just stressing over the situation of her child being in the hospital, and she is going to be snappy."

"As she is not giving herself any real respite."

"Please don't read anything into it."

"Remember, you loved her once." ~ Creepy-Brick-

"You are NTA, there is no need for both parents to be there 24/7."

"You should be splitting most of the coverage time so you can both get some decent sleep."

"Hospital sleep is not sufficient to stay healthy and sane." ~ Moulin-Rougelach

"I'm sorry your son has been so sick."

"Your ex is sounding stressed; don't let her remarks get taken to heart."

"If you're managing to show up at 6 am to make doctor rounds, you are doing a LOT."

"You know you're not leaving your son for time with your G[irl]F[riend]; you're using it to crash."

"I see why she's your ex. NTA." ~ CaliforniaJade

"NTA - married couple, and we took turns in the hospital with our kid."

"Both parents burning out helps no one." ~ Kami_Sang

"I agree with you."

"Plus, he said his partner lives close by to shower, change, sleep."

"Maybe the ex doesn't have a place close."

"It's expensive for a hotel plus gas going back and forth."

"I don't even want to know what the hospital bill is going to be." ~ SYadonMom

"Tentative, NAH."

"I say this as someone with a unique perspective."

"I'm a mom to a child who spent the first 2-3 weeks of his life in the hospital and has also had several surgeries since for reasons connected to that initial stay."

"Moms/Women are pressured to stay."

"Not just by society but by hospital staff."

"I still remember vividly, over 10 years later, being told by a nurse that if I didn't stay overnight (after staying 5 nights in a row and trying to switch out with my son's father so I could go finish out a week's worth of homework in a night since their wifi was crap), she would call Child Services and have my child taken from me."

"The pressure on moms is absolutely intense, especially by hospital staff."

"What she's telling you is what she's been fed the entire time she's been a mom, probably not just by hospital staff, but possibly by family and friends as well as society."

"While it isn't fair for her to push this on you, I don't think it necessarily makes her an AH."

"If there's a way to help her see that taking a little time to herself doesn't make her a bad mother, try to help her see that."

"She may be an ex, but the mother of your child deserves that kindness."

"Wishing healing for your little one and less stress on you and your family." ~ artemis1860

"This,100%."

"Obviously, they're both stressed, and OP is thoughtful to offer her a break, but the pressure to never leave your child's side is definitely different for moms vs dads."

"I hope OP doesn't take her comments to heart."

"This is a very stressful situation for both of them, and he's NTA for staying somewhere to rest." ~ jmp397

"'Extra wife' is the most glorious typo I've ever seen."

"NTA in this case, but you would be if you truly had an extra wife."

"Your ex is probably stressed, resentful, and under pressure."

"You probably are, too. Both of you could use some patience and grace." ~ Longjumping-Lake1244

"NTA, as a nurse, I want to remind you that you can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself."

"There's a reason there's a whole field dedicated to respite care." ~ islandsomething

"I've been your kid."

"I was a few years older, but the same thing happened to me."

"What I remember is my mom being there most of the time and my dad only in and out for short periods."

"I've always thought he should've stayed more, and she should've had more chances to go get some rest because it's hard to care for your child if you don't also take care of yourself."

"I never felt I needed both of them there."

"Honestly, I remember that room being small and a little claustrophobic, so both parents staying the night would've been too cramped anyway. NTA." ~ justlurkingnjudging

"I just went through something similar."

"I stayed the night, husband went home to sleep/manage pets/etc. and came back first thing every day."

"Your child needs rest, not a room full of people (even parents)."

"To your ex's defense, she's probably exhausted and scared and not her best self and possibly lashing out not because you're wrong but because the situation is terrible."

"I hope your kiddo is better soon!" ~ jenniferjuniper16

"Please. When I was in second grade, I spent two weeks in the hospital."

"My parents did not stay with me for one night."

"Because they had jobs and other kids."

"And you know what?"

"Even as a kid, I understood that. NTA." ~ MerelyWhelmed1

"NTA. And I'm not even completely sure your ex is TA either - this is just a really stressful situation, and she's probably exhausted and worried and on edge."

"It was nice of you to offer, and truthfully, with extended stays inpatient like this, it's important for parents to take care of themselves, too."

"You're not TA for getting some rest so you can continue to show up and be there for the important stuff."

"Crossing my fingers and toes your child recovers swiftly and everything ends up alright!" ~ dohbriste

"So sorry your son is sick."

"I'm sure this is a stressful situation for everyone involved."

"I'm going to say NTA, but I will admit I probably wouldn't leave."

"Now I would have a discussion like alternating nights or day shift, night shift, since there is no need for both parents to be there to sleep."

"But your ex is really just upset thinking you're leaving your son to go have a wild, fun, sexy time while your child is suffering in the hospital."

"I wish there were an extra wife. Lol."

Don't let her get in your head." ~ Positive_Craft_4591

"NTA. If parents are married or co-parenting on the same team term, taking turns, covering each other and updating each other, trying to get some rest and trying to take care of some stuff are very understandable things to do."

"Your ex-wife still likes to discredit her former partner." ~ p9nultimat9

OP came back with an Update...

"First of all, I want to thank you all for your well wishes, it truly means a lot!"

"We are still at the hospital, but my son is doing much better."

"The chest tube is scheduled to come out tomorrow."

"He is responding well to new antibiotics, appetite is back, and fevers have been gone for over 48 hours, thank God!"

"I continue to offer my son's mom to go home for the night, but she continues to refuse."

"However, she is taking longer breaks during the day, and it seems like she is getting some rest because she comes back looking more refreshed."

"Since she insists on staying, I continue to leave for a few hours at night to get some sleep."

"However, I am back first thing in the morning before they wake and to make sure I don't miss any procedure, labs, x-ray, CT scan or any Doctor rounds, which I haven't, and I stay until my son falls asleep."

"His mom is better about me leaving, I think, because she sees how present and involved I am in our son's care, treatment, and treatment plan."

"So she stopped with the petty comments, for now, or she found this thread... lol."

"All this has taught me a valuable lesson; we hear about it all the time, but this experience really made me believe it."

"We cannot take care of other people if we don't take care of ourselves."

"I feel more present and clear-headed compared to the first few nights when I was staying all night."

"I am a bigger guy, so the tiny bed plus the frequent nurse check-ins make it impossible to get any rest."

"I was miserable during the day and was running on fumes or adrenaline since our son was in the thick of it."

"Thankfully, he's in a much more stable place."

"It really is whatever works for you."

"This is working for me, and I am ok with it."

"I get to be present all day with my son, stay engaged in his treatment, and he seems to know that I am here for him, as well as his mom."

"Side note: therapy has been good for me in learning that I needed to stop seeking validation from others and learn and work at looking for validation from within."

"Still working on that, and I have grown so much in that department everywhere else in my life."

"I learned, though, that my son's mom still knows what strings to pull to make me compromise that part of my mental well-being."

"Although this thread provided some validation, thank you, it was also a big reminder that the validation I truly need is within me."

"I know I'm doing right by my son, and I also know that I need to take care of myself so my son gets the best possible version of me."

It's great that you've found some peace, OP.

Reddit has your back.

This is a scary time for your family. It's okay to rest and take a little time to center yourself.

Hopefully, your ex can follow suit a little more. Best wishes for your son's speedy recovery.