"What goes around, comes around."
Many people live by this idea, feeling that if people treated them badly or unfairly, they deserve to be treated like that in return.
Understandable as this is, behaving this way isn't exactly mature.
And often. leads to bad or uncomfortable situations becoming even worse.
When Redditor Acceptable-Berry-731 found herself in something of a vulnerable position, she turned to her fiancé for help.
Help the original poster (OP)'s fiancé refused to offer, much to her shock and surprise.
When her fiancé found himself in more or less the exact same position roughly a year later, he similarly turned to the OP for help.
Leading the OP to give her fiancé a taste of his own medicine.
Having doubts about her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA if I refused to call the dentist for my fiancé who has a impacted wisdom tooth?"
The OP explained why she felt it necessary to show her fiancé how literally painful karma could be:
"First of all, I would like to say that this is ridiculous and not a big deal but for some reason it became one."
"I (25 F[emale]) had an impacted wisdom tooth that was wrapped around a nerve."
"While I was pregnant."
"I asked him (26 M[ale]) if he could call the dentist bc it hurt to talk."
"He said no."
"Now it's 1 year later and he now has an impacted wisdom tooth and I sympathize with him but he asked me to call the dentist for him and I said no."
"His mom is now asking me to call for him."
"I said no."
"He's upset about it."
"Does this make me an a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for refusing to call the dentist for her fiancé.
Some had trouble sympathizing with anyone, feeling the OP her fiancé, and her future mother-in-law were all being petty and immature:
"Hang on… his MOM called YOU to ask for you to call?"
"Mommy can call her own damn self if she's trying to meddle in your relationship like that."
"Yes, ESH, but I'm not even mad at you about it."
"My petty a** would do the same thing."- Sami_George
"Why are you with a guy who."
"1.) wouldn't help you get medical care when you were pregnant and"
"2.) feels the need to get his mom to fight his battles for him with his fiancé?"
"As someone who can hold a grudge, I can understand wanting to pay someone back in turn, but this sort of dynamic bodes incredibly poorly for a romantic relationship."
"ESH, him more than you, but this situation seems less important than what this says about the relationship you two have overall."
"Do you want your kid to grow up with parents that act like this?"- furious_cactus
"While i love how petty this all is, ESH."
"I think the reason why this has become such a big deal is because it IS a big deal."
"You are PARTNERS, so you both need to sit down and figure this sh*t out."
"No more bean counting, no more tit-for-tat BS."
"You've got a child together and they need parents who can communicate and cooperate in a mature and healthy manner."
"Y'all are teaching your kid some weird sh*t about relationships by playing these petty games when it comes to health! and caring!"
"And supporting the ones you love!"
"Should he have helped you in the past?"
"Yes. should you hold that against him?"
"Probably not in this particular way."
"Potentially you two could use couples counseling to help you guys in the right direction."
"Also i'm laughing that his mother is involved with this?"- tinymi3
"ESH."
"You two are too immature to be parents or get married, yet here you are having done/going to do both."
"Grow up."- Dschingis_Khaaaaan
"Fiancé?"
"Neither of you sound ready for marriage."
"ESH."- itsnotaboutyou2020
"ESH."
"I get why you did the same thing back to him that he did to you."
"Not ideal but, sometimes you just need to be petty to make someone understand how they hurt you."
"But girl, if he will not do this relatively simple thing for you while you are pregnant with his child and limited in what you can take to relieve the pain because you are carrying his child in your body, and this is still the early years of your relationship, the 'honeymoon' bit before people tend to get complacent and lazy ... what do you think you can expect from him in 5 years?"
"10?"
"20?"
"How will he treat your child when they are sick or in pain and asking for Daddy's help?"
"It's good that he apologized but remember that saying the words doesn't mean that he means it."
"It could just as easily mean that he just wanted to do whatever necessary to get you do what he wants."
"Pay attention to his behavior, that will tell you if he really learned from this experience or not."-scherre
"You're keeping score."
"That means you don't have any business getting married."
"This is a situation that should have been discussed and resolved a year ago."
"Not to be used against them at all later date."
"ESH."
"He needs to be a partner and help out the person he claims to love and care about."
"And you need to communicate with him and resolve issues as they arise and not throw it in his face when it suits you."- Wolf-Pack85
"ESH."
"He sucks for not doing something easy to help you when you were in pain."
"You're an AH for staying with someone that calls his mommy on you and just lets you suffer when he could help you."- thoracicbunk
"ESH."
"I do not envy the next 10+ years of your life (or however long your marriage lasts)."- whatupmygliplops
"ESH."
"Sounds like an awesome relationship, really just always there for each other."- mercy_fulfate
Others, however, felt the OP deservedly gave her fiancé a taste of his own medicine, with many particularly horrified he refused to help out the OP while she was pregnant:
"NTA."
"He didn't want to take care of his pregnant fiancé by making a 2 minute phone call, then he has no right to expect you to call for him."
"If he can cry to his mommy about it, he can call the dentist."
"And if his mom tries asking you to call again, tell her to do it."- Terrible-Turtle-389
"NTA."
"If he can complain to his mother, he can make the call."- dembowthennow
"NTA."
"So he can call his mum but not his dentist?"- Right_Gas
"NTA."
"For not calling the dentist."
"But you're a little bit for not respecting yourself more."
"When he refused to help you, that should've been your sign to nope out of there."
"Why is he your fiancé?"- SparklesIB
"NTA."
"'Why would you ask me to do this for you, when you would not do it for me?'"- actualchristmastree
"NTA."
"Your actions fall under the 'justified a**hole' exception in my opinion."
"I might have just let him stew for a few hours to make a point and help him learn to be better, but the moment he contacted his mom to harass you, the situation changed."
"At this point you need to hold the line."
"You should also not be doing any wedding planning."
"He needs to grow up and demonstrate that he'll actually care for you and your child, and you both need to work on communication skills."- pupperoni42
"NTA."
"Why should you help him if he didn't care enough to help you?"- geekbarloyalist
"NTA...sauce for the goose."- ConsitutionalHistory
"NTA."
"If he can call his mom to complain about you he can call the damn dentist."- Difficult_Meal_8128
"Now is a great time to have a serious talk with him about expectations and hurt feelings."
"Overall, what he did to you was worse because you were pregnant and while I'm not sure how it works, I know that dental issues and pregnancy are a higher level of concern than usual."
"And he didn't make the call while you eventually did."
"He needs to acknowledge how he screwed you last year and apologize for it (if he hasn't already)."
"Hopefully he's more thoughtful than this one incident shows, but to not do such a simple thing as a phone call to help your pregnant partner is....gross."
"And to complain to mommy?"
"hmmmmm.... Info: how helpful has he been this past year as a father and partner?"
"Were you petty?"
"Yes, but justified."
"NTA."- Majestic_Register346
The OP later returned with an update, sharing how she ended up handling the situation, while also giving an update on her husband's condition:
"I ended up calling anyway because I felt bad."
"He apologized before I called."
"Turns out it was his wisdom teeth and an infection so bad it's eating his jaw bone. so now I really do feel bad."
The OP's fiancé should be very thankful that the OP realized her behavior was anything but rational or mature.
Hopefully, he also realized the same thing about his own behavior, and won't be so hesitant to come to his wife's aid in the future.
Otherwise, he might have a cancelled wedding in his future.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp