Being a teacher is one of the toughest jobs.
There always seems to be drama brewing.
Students are combative.
Parents are irritated.
And no one is happy with the rules.
Case in point...
Redditor phootfreek wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for sticking to the late policy in my class even though the student has ADHD?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Reddit, I'm a high school teacher in the U[nited] S[tates] who has A[ttention] D[eficit] H[yperactivity] D[isorder] myself."
"I wasn't diagnosed until college and want to preface this by saying I'm not perfect."
"For example, I have lost student's papers before."
"The issue at hand happened in my 10th grade class where the kids are 15-16 years old."
"I've always taken off points for essays, projects, and homework assignments turned in late."
"I explain this on day one and put it in the syllabus."
"They lose 10% for each day it's late but I never take off more than 50% as a late penalty."
"Usually kids won't turn in major projects more than 1-2 days late."
"This year I had a student with ADHD turn in an essay 6 weeks late."
"They did an excellent job but I only gave them a 50% because of how late it was."
"The second essay counted for 30% of their grade for the quarter."
"However the student's second essay lost 40% right off the bat for being 4 class days late (about 2 weeks had passed due to the fact my class doesn't meet everyday, weekends, school holiday)."
"This essay didn't do a good job like the first one, but it was a different style of writing."
"For the first essay their excuse was that it was done but they felt like they half-a**ed it and wanted to do it right."
"It went above and beyond and was far longer than it needed to be."
"I explained I prefer they turn something in on time rather than exceed expectations but turning it in 6 weeks late."
"The only explanation for the second essay was that they had it saved on a specific computer at home that they didn't have access too."
"Their previous English teacher never really had much of a penalty for late work."
"This student is typically an A student but they finished the first quarter of my class with a 67 or 68 and I bumped them up to a 69.5 because I pitied them and it would raise them to a C-."
"The student was argumentative about their grade and angry with me saying it wasn't fair."
"In my defense, they could still earn an A for the course, but they would essentially have to maintain around a 95% average for the rest of the course including the midterm and final exams."
"College is so expensive in the US and I don't want to affect students averages over an assignment being a few days late."
"But I also feel like I'm not truly preparing students for college/university/the workforce by letting them turn in work when it's convenient with them without consequence."
"So AITA for sticking to my policy and not boosting her grade?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. We aren't talking about a class period or two."
"We're talking about 6 weeks the first time and 4 weeks the second."
"ADHD is fairly common, lots of kids with ADHD manage to get their assignments in on time or only a little late."
"But 6 weeks? No."
'There's accommodation and then there's no accountability."
"What's the point of a deadline if you don't actually adhere to it." ~ dazedkatwoman
"You went above and beyond for this student by bumping their grade up."
"A lot of my teachers would only bump up a grade by rounding up to the nearest digit, not raise it by almost 2 points."
"It sucks that their ADHD affects their school."
"But you've done a lot to accommodate your students based off of your OP." ~ therealnotrealtaako
"I agree with NTA."
"At this age, teaching real life skills come into play."
"One side you mentioned in your edits is yes, diverse accommodations is something to definitely be investigated and considered."
"Other side is, if you are at a job and turn in a project 6 weeks late, you're fired most likely."
"Even with accommodations." ~ UnconcernedCat
"I have four kids."
"They are all ADHD."
"They are young adults now, and I am extremely grateful that they ran into teachers like you growing up."
"Without teachers to hold them accountable, ADHD kids (actually any kids) don't learn accountability."
"Parents can try to teach it."
"But if it isn't reinforced in other areas of their lives, they think they can argue or plead their way into getting what they want, and mom and dad are just overly strict a**holes."
"You sound like a great teacher."
"Keep doing what you're doing, and Thank You!" ~ crackinmypants
"I don't think anybody is being an AH here."
"But I just want to highjack the top comment to say that the lateness of this student sounds insane to a neurotypical person."
"But as someone who has ADHD I can totally empathize with the thought process and outcome of these projects being so late."
"Most people have a fundamental misunderstanding of what ADHD is and the common accommodation of simply giving extra time for tests and whatnot have led people to believe that it simply takes us a bit longer to get things done."
"The truth is that for many with ADHD, it can be excruciating to get started on a project even when we want to do it and the sense of needing absolute perfection far outweighs any sort of social pressure associated with a deadline." ~ sh0ck_and_aw3
"I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood."
"Reading and listening in any circumstance was challenging."
"That being said, I still managed decent grades in high school."
"It of course got harder in each subsequent level of education, but at least high school was easy enough."
"OP would not be doing the kid any favors by coddling him when life at this stage is this easy."
"His policy was clear."
"He gave several warnings/reminders to the kid and parents."
"He made class time available to work on it. NTA."
"I failed a class once bc I turned in a final paper 2 or 3 days late."
"I deserved it."
"Executive function disorder or not, the world keeps moving and expects you to keep up." ~ ConfoozledCat
"NTA. 6 weeks late on HS work is crazy."
"Wouldn't be surprised for someone to get a zero for that." ~ shinyagamik
OP came back with some deets...
"EDIT: People keep asking about I[ndividualized] E[ducation] P[rogram] and accommodation plans."
"I work at a private school that offers very limited accommodations and we have no special ed department."
"We do not offer extended time on long assignments, we will only chunk them into smaller, more manageable pieces."
"We only offer extended time for quizzes/tests."
"Despite parents being aware of ADHD, I realized this student has no file, so I will definitely be talking to the guidance counselor."
"Even though my school doesn't offer extended time, having an IEP on file for when the student goes to college will serve them well."
"SECOND EDIT: I also give class time."
"They usually get around 2-3 hours of class time to write, ask me questions, do peer revisions."
"Some of them waste their time by talking or going on their phones."
"I tell them I'm not gonna get into arguments if they want to waste their time but that I'm always there to provide any help and support while they work."
"Usually I have a constant line of kids asking for help so I can't dedicate time to focus and observe this one specific student's work habits."
"Because then I'd to tell the 3 other kids all asking for help on their essays to hold on and by that time the line of students asking for my help will have possibly increased to 5."
"THIRD EDIT: I did contact the parents after the first missing essay and admin knows they got a C- due to late work."
"I tell students to talk to me BEFORE the due date to make arrangements on late work."
"I'm pretty lenient if we come up with a plan ahead of time."
"I tell them don't tell me the day it's due unless it's something serious like a death, hospitalization, car accident, etc."
"For example, a student recently failed a quiz."
"I followed up and the student broke down saying it was due to family problems at home."
"I let them complete corrections to raise their F to a C on the quiz."
"FOURTH EDIT: Yes I've spoken to the student!"
"I reminded them in person and email but they would ignore me or say 'I'll do it."'"
"After the second essay was 2-3 days late I finally forced them to discuss this in more detail where I explained the policy, why I have it, how it affects their grade."
"They seemed pretty receptive until I pulled them aside the following week to discuss why they only earned a C- for the first quarter."
"They thought it would all balance out because they got As on the quizzes and were quite upset with me when that didn't happen."
"Parents were already informed after the first missing essay but we have a parent-teacher conference scheduled."
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
It sounds like you've done all that you can.
Late is late.
Hopefully everyone involved can come to an understanding.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.