There's nothing for a young woman to be ashamed of going through a period.
But when they're bullied by their peers and even questioned about the adults in their lives, it can quickly become an embarrassing experience, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Common_Piglet7437 was furious when her teen daughter came home after being reprimanded by her teacher for an unexpected reason.
While she could understand a teacher not wanting her students to walk out of class randomly, the Original Poster (OP) felt her blood boiling over the teacher not letting her daughter use the restroom to deal with a feminine issue.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being angry with my daughter's teacher for giving my daughter a referral for walking out of a class for a female emergency?"
The OP's teen daughter got in trouble at school for an unexpected reason.
"My 14-year-old daughter is a Freshman in high school. She has big dreams, so she takes school very seriously. She's a good student and doesn't get into trouble."
"Today, she emailed me to tell me that she told her teacher that she has her period and urgently needed to go to the bathroom. The teacher said no."
"She went on to tell the teacher that she is actively bleeding through her tampon and didn't want to get her light gray pants dirty for the rest of the school day. The teacher again said no."
"She panicked and went anyway. She stayed within the bathroom rules of being back without five minutes, etc."
Her daughter's teacher punished her with a negative referral.
"When she arrived back, the teacher told her to speak with her in the hallway. The teacher told her that she didn't believe her and that she was going to receive a disciplinary referral."
"She recommended that my daughter have me email her to verify that she has her period."
"My daughter is freaking out because disciplinary referrals are usually used for students using AI or getting caught with their phones too many times. It won't look good on her record."
The OP wanted to escalate the situation.
"I'm trying really hard not to rage out at this teacher right now. Every email I've started isn't great."
"I ultimately decided to call the assistant principal to ask what my daughter should have done in this situation and plan to reserve my words for when I hear back from the assistant principal."
In the meantime, it was obvious to the OP that her daughter wasn't faking her symptoms.
"Since all this started, I was called to come to the nurse's office yesterday because my daughter had bad cramps, and I needed to give meds as well as sign a paper allowing my daughter to carry the meds on her."
"My daughter just got her period yesterday, and this happened at about 9:30 am. Given that it's her second (heavy) day and how early she gets up in the morning, it makes sense that she was overdue at this point."
"Am I overreacting that my daughter is getting in trouble for not listening to the teacher during a biological urgency? I'm curious what others would have done or how you would approach this with the school/teacher."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP was justified and suggested speaking to a superior.
"Don't send an email to the teacher. Go over their head and deal directly with the principals." - adventuresofViolet
"I've seen people say this doesn't happen, but I remember it happening when I was in school."
"One kid will abuse the system because they don't want to be in class or think they're being slick, and the teacher will decide to punish everyone and take the stance that any kid who has to go to the bathroom for any reason must be lying to get out of class."
"The principal needs to be involved. The system where kids have to ask to go to the bathroom is terrible as it is, but if the teachers have decided they're right before anything already happens, then it's an even bigger problem." - Neveronlyadream
"Something like this happened to my son in first grade. He peed himself because the teacher would not let him use the bathroom. He was so embarrassed that he sat in his p**sed-in pants all day becausehe didnt want anyone to know he peed himself."
"I found out later from talking to his friends' parents that at least four other kids had peed themselves because of her."
"If you can't understand that a six-year-old is telling you it's an emergency, then it's an emergency. They aren't sneaking to the bathroom to do drugs."
"Some people have no business being teachers." - BasicRabbit4
"When I was a teacher, I never said no to a bathroom request. Ever."
"Sure, guaranteed, there were kids taking advantage of that, but so what. When I slip out of a meeting to use the bathroom (or just to walk around and stretch a minute because I need a break) nobody says anything. Because we are grown-a** adults."
"Why do people treat teenagers with less respect than they expect to be treated?" - Qoly
"NOR. She did exactly the right thing - the general rule of thumb is that if you have to go and it's an emergency, you ignore the teacher and take care of YOURSELF FIRST, 'repercussions' last. what did the teacher expect?… for your daughter to flash her bloody pad at her for proof?…" - fivehxrgreeves_
"NOR. You march your adult self into the principal's office and stand up for your daughter! That demerit needs to be removed from her record."
"A report needs to be made not just about the teacher's refusal to let a young girl change her menstrual products, but about the interrogation, disciplinary threat, and disrespect after the fact." - wovenwebs
Others commiserated with the OP's daughter.
"I p**sed my pants for spite in third grade because a teacher told me I couldn't go to the bathroom. I asked twice, and the second time she told me no; I said okay and peed right there."
"The worst part was that this elementary school had a toilet closet at the back of each classroom, so she didn't even have to let me leave the classroom. She just wanted to be mean." - photogypsy
"I told my first-grade teacher I was sick and needed to go home. She told me to wait and see if I felt better. I told her I was nauseous and needed to call my mom. She told me to keep working on my reading sheet and see if I felt better."
"A couple of minutes later, I projectile vomited all over my desk and the floor. She was mad at me but let me go home then." - Crow_with_a_Cheeto
"I was in kindergarten at a Catholic school. I grew up in a bilingual household, and I was crying and telling the teacher in another language that I wanted to throw up. I was holding my stomach, and she was just yelling at me, telling me that she didn't know what I was saying."
"I ended up puking on the floor in front of her. Instead of showing concern, she screamed at me even louder and said, 'WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE GOING TO THROW UP?' I tried, lady, I tried."
"I remember her always being very mean to me. My parents pulled me out of that school, and my mom recently told me that she was incredibly racist and that I always came home crying from things she said to me. I started at a different Catholic school in first grade." - ThrowRA01234567899
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a series of updates.
"I was going to stop by the school when I was done running errands, but the Vice Principal called me back just before I left."
"I told her the story just as my daughter told it to me. She genuinely seemed horrified. She shared my concerns as a mom who also has a high school daughter."
"She said she had looked up my daughter's record, and there was zero evidence that she skips class or had any disciplinary actions against her that might suggest she has other intentions, and even if she did have a record, she still should have been allowed to use the bathroom."
The Vice Principal was interested in pursuing further action.
"She asked what I wanted done to the teacher. I said, as a rage-filled mom right now, I want her fired. But I also understood the district was already understaffed, so I believed she at least needed to be educated and reprimanded."
"She asked if it was okay if she spoke to my daughter so she could get the cadence of the conversation straight from her before she spoke with the teacher and others."
"I told her to please do, and that I thought it would be good for her to know that what happened was wrong and that she did the right thing."
"The downside to all of this is that the Vice Principal was leaving after their talk to go to a conference and wouldn't be back until Monday. So she probably won't talk to the teacher until then."
"She said that she was going to talk to my daughter and let her know that she can go to the ARC instead of that class until they meet again on Monday. Additionally, she is going to offer her a change in schedule."
"It does sound like the referral was merely a threat, and it worked. It scared the s**t out of my daughter, who is scared of any sort of record."
After speaking with the Vice Principal, the OP's daughter's teacher called her.
"The teacher called me. I answered because I thought it was the Vice Principal, which was dumb of me, because she had told me she was leaving for the day/week."
"The teacher told me her account of the situation and explained to me that she created a new policy, and because it was the start of the semester, she was being firm with it."
"I said, 'She told you it was urgent because of her period, and your response was to deny her, humiliate her, and then threaten her.'"
"She said that she just wanted to know that she wasn't lying to her. I said, 'How did you want me to prove to you that she had a period? Did you want a picture of a bloody tampon or something?'"
"Not my finest moment, especially with my daughters in the car. She responded, 'No, that's disgusting.'"
"I said, 'I agree. Denying a young woman a bathroom and then wanting proof that she wasn't lying was disgusting. I was very disgusted in this situation.'"
"I then told her that I would prefer to continue this conversation with the Vice Principal, and we hung up."
The OP had one more conversation with the Vice Principal and her daughter.
"It took a while to hear back from the VP, so I followed up. She told me that the teacher had been written up, but she couldn't tell me anything more specific than that because of her privacy."
"My daughter talked to the teacher a day or so after it happened, and they apologized to each other. As a girl mom, I've tried to teach my kids not to apologize when they did nothing wrong."
"She's a sweet kid, though, and felt bad for doing what she thought was disrespectful on her part. I assured her it wasn't, but she wanted me to stop talking about it because she felt ok about the situation."
"A few days after the incident, the teacher sent out an email to the entire class and their parents informing them of the new bathroom policy and why she decided to start this (other kids abusing bathroom passes)."
"She also said that, of course, she wouldn't block a kid from going to class if there was an emergency situation. I wish I had a little more closure for the stress this caused me, but I'm glad that my daughter still feels comfortable in school, and for my own sanity, I had to mentally move on."
There are undoubtedly students who take advantage of being able to step out of the classroom, but in most situations, that simply is not the case.
Especially when a student expresses that they are ill or it's an emergency, it's best to respect their judgment, allow them to go, and show them a little respect where respect is due.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp