Though there are some parents who are more than ready for their children to grow up and leave the nest, most parents tear up at the thought of how quickly their kids are growing up.
In fact, it seems they’d do anything to keep their children young for a little while longer, even if it’s to their child’s detriment, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor BraTurmoil10 was thirteen years old and went to her mother to ask for help with buying her first bra.
When her mother insisted she was wrong to say she needed one, and they would look into shopping in a few months, the Original Poster (OP) took matters into her own hands.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for asking my dad’s girlfriend to help me buy a bra?”
The OP divided time between her parents’ houses.
“My (13 Female) parents are divorced. I spend one week with my mom and then one week with my dad. As for holidays and summer break, it’s 50-50, too.”
“One year ago my dad started dating his girlfriend, Mary, and two months ago, she moved in with him.”
The OP started to need new clothes as she went through puberty.
“Some time ago, my breasts started growing. I was happy as I was the last one in my class, but it turned out to be a problem because if I don’t have a bra, my breasts and, what’s worse, nipples are clearly visible if I have a thin T-shirt (like during gym class) or if I’m cold.”
“Some of my classmates even started noticing it and it was embarrassing. I don’t want everybody to be able to stare at my breasts.”
“Obviously, I asked my mom to buy me a bra, but she told me that there was no need as my breasts are still very small and that she’ll buy me one in a few months.”
“I was upset but I knew that if I’ll continue this topic, my mom would get upset. (We don’t have a money problem or anything, by the way, she just gets upset easily.)
After her mom said no, the OP decided to ask someone else instead.
“So when I was spending time at my dad’s house, I asked my dad for some money, and I asked Mary if she would go with me and help me buy a bra. (I didn’t want to ask Dad to go and help me choose one because I think it would be weird.)”
“Mary agreed and helped me buy not one but three different bras, which are great, and I’m much more comfortable during gym classes and in general.”
The OP’s mother was furious with her.
“But my mum is angry with me. She told me that she’s my mom, not Mary, and that I had no right to ask Mary about buying me bras if she didn’t agree.”
“She says that I am doing things behind her back.”
“I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to wait a few months because I needed a bra now, because I had a problem with going to school.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had only done what she needed to do.
“This reminded me of my own bra story. Telling my mother I needed a bra and her telling me I didn’t. We went back and forth over this for a few days until I decided, fine, you don’t think I need a bra, you don’t want to take me to buy a bra, I’ll make a bra.”
“At this point, my mother thought I was being overly dramatic and finally relented. We went to the store and what do you know, I had to start off with a B because an A was too small. She was shocked.”
“You did nothing wrong. You know your body and what you need. Sometimes it’s hard for parents to see their children growing. They still see them as children.”
“You asked an adult you trusted to help you with something you needed after your mother refused. She’s probably thinking you won’t listen to her, but she needs to remember she needs to listen to you, as well, especially when it comes to your body.”
“NTA.” – TheJinxiestJinx
“OP didn’t need anyone to allow her to buy a bra. Just like she wouldn’t need a parental okay if she wanted to buy socks. Bras are a basic form of underwear.”
“Not allowing them, isn’t an option. (Not saying that parents can’t set some rules about what is considered appropriate underwear for their 13-year-old, but ‘no’ in general is wrong.) NTA.” – Some-Application4491
“I’ve had prominent when aroused or cold nipples forever. It doesn’t matter if you’re petite (or still developing as she likely is). I sympathize with her! This girl is NTA and neither is her stepmom or the step-girlfriend. The mom is verging on TA-dom, however.”
“OP, I think you’re going to have to bite the bullet, again (having solved this in such an adult manner in the first place, good on you) and remind your mom that you told her that you needed the bra (didn’t want one, you NEEDED one), and she declined.”
“She didn’t step up. You weren’t asking for jewelry, clothing, or a tattoo. You asked for something that you needed.”
“You were increasingly uncomfortable around your schoolmates, and you’d seen boys and girls both noticing and staring at your visible nipples, so you took much-needed emergency action.”
“And let her stew in that. If she gets upset, so what? She obviously does that all the time, and it sounds, to me, speaking bluntly, like a major manipulation tactic. (Like, ‘Don’t discuss this with me, or I’ll get upset!’ It’s like her weapon of mass destruction, right? That’s what she has in her back pocket, if you ‘try’ to upset her by discussing something she doesn’t want to discuss.)”
“She’ll get over it. Daughter’s First Bra, at least in my house, wasn’t this big celebration, lol (laughing out loud). Not like a Quinceanera, you know? It was more like teenage boys buying their first erotic magazine. The bra was snuck in the house in a brown paper bag, lol. The immodesty if someone should (gasp) see that we were bra-shopping! LOL.”
“I’m happy for you that your Dad has someone so great. And good for you for being assertive and standing up for something you needed, and IMHO (in my honest opinion), went about it entirely in the right and appropriate way.”
“After all, yes, you do have two parents, right? Dad can have his say too. That should put a bottle in her whingeing, I would think. Good luck.” – Blunderbeast
“I’ll follow up with a similar bra story. My mother bought me two sports bras when I was 10 and never again purchased another bra for me. By the time I was 13, you bet those bras were in tatters, but they were all I had.”
“OP, you did a good thing by advocating for yourself! Keep it up.” – Independent-Face-959
Others agreed and were upset with how the OP’s mother handled the situation.
“NTA. If your mom didn’t want someone else buying you bras, she should’ve bought your bras. There is no reason for her to refuse that.” – CrimsonKnight_004
“NTA. You did go to her first. She ignored your feelings. She caused this, not you.” – Fastr77
“Some adults get weird about their kids needing new clothing items like bras because it reminds them their kid is growing up. And your mom probably barely notices your developing body (what she describes as small breasts), but kids in your class (and you) definitely do. Hormones and puberty are a weird time.”
“All in all, you deserve to be comfortable, and I’m glad you have other adults who will take you to get items for you to feel and be comfy.”
“You also asked your mom before going to Mary, and she refused. So it’s on your mom to be more receptive to your needs going forward.” – ComprehensiveHorse30
“She’s definitely insecure that someone’s helping OP out of this bizarre power play.”
“OP, your body, your rules, and NTA. You didn’t go behind your mother’s back. Quite the opposite: you prioritized her. You only went elsewhere after she let you down.” – OneDumbf**kLater
“Not to mention, her dad had no problem allowing this. He’s her parent, too, and has just as much say as her mom. NTA, OP.” – Sometimeswan
“Mom got her chance and failed badly. The saddest part of it really is that she probably doesn’t even realize just how bad she did, either.”
“Reactions like this create lasting memories that will influence behaviors and tendencies in the future, especially as she is heading into a very emotional and stressful point in her life. This is the part of a young girl’s life as she starts to become a woman when she needs a stronger woman to show her how, support and coach her, and be emotionally available to her.”
“To be able to feel free and able to approach a parent is important for a child, and her mother just damaged her perception about the ability to be able to do so from this point on.”
“She might as well just push her daughter toward her father and stepmother from now on.” – hondashadow94
Some opened up and shared their own tough first bra stories.
“Same, OP!! NTA!! When I grew breasts, I wasn’t able to get a bra for the longest time because ‘I didn’t need it’ until a teacher sent home a note saying that I needed to or the school would provide some.”
“My mom took me to get some. I was a C-cup. She was shocked and tried arguing with the store lady about it.” – yagirldebbie
“My (normally awesome) mom pulled the same thing when I pointed out I needed a bra. I hit puberty really young (got my period at eight), so by 11, I needed an actual bra (I was a C by 12, and maybe 100 lbs, so they were very obvious).”
“I think she just didn’t want to see me growing up that fast and was freaked out by the implications of having an 11-year-old with an adult’s body.”
“She hit puberty late and barely needed a bra as an adult, so having a preteen with very noticeable boobs was not something she was prepared for.” – Missscarlettheharlot
“I remember asking my mother about getting a bra because all the other girls in my class already had one; plus, I hated to have my nipples seen.”
“Her response was, ‘Why would your classmates wear a bra? They don’t even have breasts?’ Still, she was nice enough to listen and bring me shopping.”
“Mind you, I had no idea how the sizes should work and what to look for. I was also quite embarrassed already and wanted to get out as fast as possible because, you know, the shame of needing a bra or something.”
“I had heard my classmates discussing bra sizes and decided that if they were 65A, then surely I would also be 65A. My mother was like, ‘Sure,’ and we bought one really nice black bra.”
“Well, it wasn’t my size. Mom went back to the store later and brought me a new bra, which was her size, I guess. That was at least a C-cup, way bigger than I am even now. And that’s how I walked around for like a year before my cousins helped me choose better-fitting ones.” – the_dark_philosopher
“Man, I remember my mom was UPSET when I was 16 and needed a D cup… you would have thought I was already having sex. Eventually, she just started giving me money to go bra shopping for myself.” – birdsofthunder
“Same story here. I got a couple of tank-style training bras when I was 12 or 13. I finally worked up the courage to ask to go buy real bras when I was 16! Then I proceeded to wear a way too small size until I was 22 because I didn’t know how to get fitted.” – neverendingbreadstiiiiicks
The subReddit was left shaking their head at the OP’s mother for how colossally badly she handled this situation. Not only was the OP asking for a basic need rather than a want, but she had approached her mother first for help and only turned to her stepmother when her mother rejected her request.
The OP’s mother only had herself to blame for how this had played out.