Parents always hear the advice that they should not have a favorite child... or at least if they're going to have one, they shouldn't make their preferences obvious.
But most parents don't successfully hide their feelings, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor GuardSpecific2058 felt like a burden to her parents and decided to save up money to throw her own birthday party with a custom-made birthday cake, so she could actually enjoy her birthday for once.
When her parents let her younger sister, the favorite child, eat some of that birthday cake the night before the party, the Original Poster (OP) decided none of it was worth it.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for canceling my birthday party, because my parents cut my sister a slice of my custom-made birthday cake the night before my party when she cried for it?"
The OP firmly felt she came in second to her sister.
"My (16 Female) sister (11 Female) is the miracle golden child."
"She always gets what she wants whenever she wants. My parents are always trying to please her and make her happy. They had a miscarriage before her."
"I don't want to be pampered, and I just don't want to be treated like my existence is an inconvenience."
"For example, they can buy my sister new pricy clothes and shoes on a whim because that's what she wanted, but they complain when I need new shoes because the ones I have are visibly old. There are many other examples."
The OP wanted a nice birthday for once.
"They always make a big effort on her birthday and do whatever that she asks for, but they can barely remember mine, and they are always conveniently too 'broke' to do anything for my birthday."
"This year, I wanted to enjoy my birthday, so I babysat and even mowed lawns to make this possible."
"My birthday was a few days ago, and the party was scheduled for the day after. I have been planning for weeks and invited all my friends. I bought the food, snacks, and drinks and picked up my custom-made cake, which I was really excited about. It was just perfect."
"I think my parents really did not want me to have a party at all because they have been acting somewhat annoyed that I have been planning it without needing anything from them except the use of the house."
"It's funny because if you don't want to do something for someone and have millions of excuses, why have a problem when I find a way to do it myself?"
Instead of not buying anything for her birthday, her parents ruined it in another way.
"The night before the party, I noticed that my cake, which was in the fridge, had a huge slice missing."
"When I asked my dad, he shrugged and nonchalantly said that my sister was crying for it and it was just a small piece. My friends wouldn't notice."
"I yelled at him, asking him why he would do something like that when it wasn't even bought with his money and that my sister could have waited for tomorrow."
"This made him angry, and he went on a tirade about how I think I'm an adult because of my stupid party, mocking how I did everything myself and did not ask them for anything."
The OP didn't even want the party anymore after that.
"I ended up calling it off because I was not able to change the location last-minute as I didn't have the means to, and I was so hurt, I didn't want to host it at home anymore."
"One of my friends told me that calling it off was an overreaction and that I could have just grit my teeth and gone through with doing it at home, rather than canceling just hours before."
"I'm 16, and I'm used to my parents not wanting to get me stuff. Even when it's not someone's birthday, they always get my sister things. I just wanted to have a good birthday where I wouldn't have to rely on them because they always disappoint me."
"I only got birthday wishes and that's pretty normal, but my sister gets birthday parties, fun days out, gifts, etc. The cake meant a lot because the previous two years, they somehow couldn't even get me cake."
"I just feel at a loss. I really wanted to have a good day, and I can't even do that in peace. I was so excited that, for once, I will enjoy my birthday. I just wanted everything to be perfect. I almost cried.
"AITA for canceling?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some commended the OP for standing up for herself and the birthday she wanted.
"Your parents are a**holes. I have three kids, and they always get the same spent on them for Christmas and birthdays. They get to ask for what they want, and I get it. Sometimes, it's just money (more since they're now all over 20)."
"Do not let this spoil your birthday. Have your party and enjoy every minute."
"Make sure everyone knows it's your first-ever party, and you're so excited because your sister always gets them. Make sure they know you saved up and paid for it all yourself. Make sure they know your parents stole a slice of cake for your sister and that YOU paid for the cake."
"In short, shame them to h**l and back, all with a beaming smile on your face." - freckles-101
"I'm so sorry. You deserve the hugest cake. Your parents don't deserve any credit for the amazingly strong, determined, and mature person you've become. It's all yours. Enjoy your birthday. Happy birthday!" - Tenancious_G_G
"Je**s, this sounds like a 'Harry Potter' origin story. Do you live underneath the stairs, too?!"
"You deserved that party and that cake. If it were me, I'd have a belated birthday and host it somewhere with someone I love and trust. And then I recommend you work hard, get a good education, and keep a good-paying job so you can cut these toxic s**ts out."
"And don't forget to give your sister a PERMANENT pigtail." - s_nation
"Keep standing up for yourself, OP. You need to get this across to your parents."
"Tell them why you were doing this so as not to be disappointed by them again. Tell them they have two children, not just one child and a 'burden,' and tell them to think of how they treat her compared to you and give examples."
"If that doesn't sober them up, you'll be 18 soon and can move out and go low/no contact with them." - Ghostdogg813
"Hey, kiddo. It can and does get better. My husband and I were both ignored as kids. The upside? We're so self-reliant, it's not funny. Favored children generally fail, fantastically."
"I am so proud of you! You've shown initiative, planning, preparation, problem-solving, and achieving a monetary goal. Excellent life skills. Internet hugs!"
"In a few years, your parents are gonna throw their hands up and say, 'We've done nothing to teach this kid how to deal with the world, and we're all out of ideas. Can you help?'"
"Happy Birthday! Make it good, even if it's not perfect. I have faith in you." - disco_has_been
Others agreed and insisted the OP deserved better, not the "miracle child" or not.
"I'm in my 30s, and my mother still makes sure to treat us fairly. One of her brothers started a 'tradition' of gifting his kids a washing machine when they move out, and she thought that was a great idea, so she gave one to my younger brother when he left the nest. I had moved out years earlier and had bought my own, so she asked if I needed anything and got me a new vacuum." - annekecaramin
"I'm nearly 40, and my parents still ask for birthday and Christmas lists. They still adhere to their present budgets, so it's fair for my siblings and me (my oldest brother is almost 50!)." - whiskeyrebellion
"Everything my family has done for me, siblings (everything) compared to me (nothing) has really hurt, but I made my life without help, became self-sufficient, and now own a company."
"Siblings who had everything handed to them on a plate = financial and social disasters. No long-term jobs or relationships."
"All are older than me and still rely on our father's money, which he gives but complains about bitterly… to me, he didn't give a cent for college, gave promises for gifts (not kept, of course) for birthdays and Christmas…"
"I know your pain, but you are already the better person, and in a few years' time you will definitely be in a better place. It will take time, and it will be more difficult at times than you want, but I GUARANTEE that spoiling your sister now will be what limits her life the most. They are doing her NO favors."
"Get through this and live your best life without them. Enjoy that party. They robbed you of your slice of cake, don't let them rob you of your special day!" - StartTalkingSense
"OP, it still gets to me sometimes seeing everything being given to my brother and his irresponsibly large family and basically living off of my parents, who are far wealthier than us both. But he has played a s**t game of life with golden cards handed to him."
"Sometimes I get jealous of the support, but then I think to myself that my brother's future prospects are waiting to be inherited from my parents. And there's a cap to that inheritance since our parents are no longer working, whereas I'm still actively hustling and the 'cap' is flexible."
"There are some struggles like the feeling of wanting to share successes (I suppose some parts still look for approval) but yet hesitant also to get feedback because of judgment/maybe flaunting in the face of future struggles (two retired adults supporting seven people essentially)." - Eatsallthechocs
"OP, first of all, I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and the birthday you deserve. I don't know what your parents are thinking, but it's clearly not in your favor."
"Now, for damage control, for yourself."
"Is there any way you could postpone the party to the next weekend? Explain to your friends what happened, and ask if anyone can move the venue to their house instead. Chances are one of your friend's parents will be willing to lend you their house for the afternoon if they know the situation."
"As for the cake, if it was too expensive or time-consuming to replace, what if you spent part of the party making a cake with your friends? You could decorate it together and make it an even more meaningful memory than the first one would have been."
"You said you're 16. I know two years seems like forever, but in the grand scheme of things, it's really not. Once you're out of the house, you can find a real family with people who show you the love you deserve. There's light at the end of the tunnel."
"Finally, happy birthday!" - Choice_Bid_7941
While some wished the OP hadn't canceled her birthday party, they completely understood why the OP wanted and needed to distance herself from the now-tainted experience she'd paid for herself.
They hoped instead that the OP would either reschedule her party or at least learn for the next year to have her party with someone whom she loved and trusted. It would just be yet another way that she was no longer relying on her parents, whether they liked it or not.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp