One should never do someone a favor simply for glory or recognition.
That being said, it can be more than a little frustrating when our actions aren’t recognized after we put our own lives aside to help someone out.
A simple thank you goes a long way.
When our generosity ends up being taken advantage of, it’s not at all unreasonable to be more than a little frustrated.
The mother of Redditor Prettyintrusion‘s boyfriend needed round-the-clock care, requiring him to still live in his mother’s house.
The original poster (OP) was more than happy to be there to help his mother out when he couldn’t be there for her.
Much to the OP’s surprise, however, her boyfriend’s mother was less than grateful for her help and even expected more from her.
Something the OP flatly refused to do.
Wondering if she was wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to pay rent in my bf mom’s house for staying there?”
The OP explained why a demand made by her boyfriend’s mother took her by surprise:
“So I (19 F[emale]) and my boyfriend (20 M[ale]) live separately.”
“I have a place of my own that I rent, but my boyfriend lives with his mom still because she’s pretty sick and has no one else to care for her.”
“I stay over there pretty often (maybe 2-3 nights a week) because my boyfriend works night shifts, and his mom still needs someone to look after her, so I’m more than happy to stay over and do whatever needs doing.”
“However, now she is asking me to pay $350 a month for staying around so often.”
“This honestly baffles me because I literally only stay there overnight a few nights a week.”
“I barely use her food. I have the odd shower, but that’s IT.”
“I certainly don’t use $350 worth of her stuff a month.”
“This is on top of the $350 that my boyfriend pays her, which is fair enough because he lives there full time.”
“Why should I pay rent on her house when I already have a place of my own that’s quite expensive?”
“I told her no, that’s not fair, but now she’s angry at me.”
“My boyfriend is on my side, but I can’t help but feel like I could be an AH.”
“My boyfriend’s mom is bed-bound and needs assistance in her wheelchair to get around.”
“She can’t wheel the chair herself as she has arthritis (amongst other things), so wheeling her chair would be much too heavy and strenuous for her.”
“She needs assistance onto the toilet, into the bath, reaching into kitchen cupboards etc.”
“Everything in her house has been adapted to be as accessible as it possibly can be, but she still needs a lot of assistance for her daily activities.”
“I do a lot of these tasks for her during the night, as she sleeps a lot in the day, so at night, she’s pretty awake and wants food/water/bathroom visits.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to pay her boyfriend’s mother’s rent.
Everyone agreed that if anyone should be getting paid, it’s the OP, as she is volunteering her evenings to help her boyfriend’s mother out, and asking the OP to pay rent on top of helping her was a shockingly ungrateful thing for her boyfriend’s mother to do.
“Wait, what?”
“You’re staying there to look after her, and she wants YOU to pay HER?”
“And now she’s angry with YOU?!”
“I mean, obviously NTA, but at least this one is an easy fix.”
“Stop staying there without your BF.”
“If she wants someone to look after her, she can ask someone else or pay for a carer.”
“I feel like the karma outcome here is that your BF starts staying at yours more often, and she has to make her own arrangements more often.”- Loow00
“Wait, you’re there while your boyfriend is not?”
“With the purpose of helping her?”
“The woman should be paying you if anything.”
“Stop going there without your boyfriend present.”
“Stay over less frequently even when he is there.”
“NTA.”- BulbasaurRanch
“NTA.”
“Stop staying over, and let your bf stay with you.”- Excellent-Count4009
“NTA.”
“Lemme get this straight: she wants you to pay for the honor of being her part-time caregiver?”
“And that makes some kind of sense to her?”
“From what you’ve described, she needs someone to be with her.”
“You’re doing her a massive favor.”
“Of course, you don’t need to be paying her.”
“If anything, you’re saving her hundreds per week because the cost of an in-home caregiver is steep.”- JustheBean
“So you stay there while he works as a favor to keep this woman safe and help her if she needs it, and you should have to pay for the pleasure of doing it?”
“When you’re doing them a favor?”
“That’s absolutely ridiculous.”
“Stop helping out, stop going over, only hang out with your boyfriend at your own place or in public.”
“If she can’t be left alone, then I guess your boyfriend can make other arrangements.”
“It’s absolutely insane that you should be expected to pay hundreds of dollars a month for the use of a shower and what I assume is your boyfriend’s bed.”
“If anything, this crazy lady should be paying you for helping her out when her son is working.”
“She sounds extremely ungrateful.”
“Let her sit in bed unable to get to the bathroom alone for a few nights, she’ll quickly change her tune I’ll bet.”
“I can’t believe you’re caring for this woman completely for free multiple nights a week, and she has the audacity to try to charge YOU.”
“People get paid $15+ an hour for that job.”- rapunzelsinsanity
“Her plan is probably to pressure you to move with them full time and have the two of you cover most of the expenses while taking care of her.”- SpongyConcrete
“NTA.”
“So let me get this right: she’s extremely ill, and you stay there to look after her while your boyfriends are at work?”
“SHE should be paying YOU.”
“You’re 19 years old.”
“This is a huge responsibility on top of having your own home and working.”- Strict_Librarian1683
“NTA.”
“And frankly, what you might want to consider doing to give her a wake-up call is present her with a bill for $1,920.”
“Overnight caregiving – even NON-nurse / NON-CNA gigs are expensive and typically pay at least $20 per hour.”
“So $20 per hour * 8 hours per night * 3 days per week equals $480.”
“That means one month of pay would be $1,920.”
“The fact that you stay over with this woman, on the nights that your bf is at work when you could be home in your own comfy bed, amongst your things … in my book, it practically qualifies you for sainthood.”- Bet_it_Reddit7
“NTA.”
“Stop staying there, and stop looking after her.”
“If she needs to start coughing up her own money for in-home care while her son works, she’ll quickly learn how ridiculous her request was.”- Ajstross
“NTA.”
“Sounds like she is either doing a money grab or doesn’t really want you staying over to help.”
“Either way, stop going over there to help.”
“Take a break from it.”- mezamic000
“NTA.”
“She’s being ridiculous to think that you should pay as much as her son pays when you’re there to help her.”
“The only thing you should pay her is no mind.”
“Stay home.”
“Let your bf visit you at your place.”- PsychologyAutomatic3
“NTA, stop staying over, stop caring for her.”
“She’s not your responsibility.”- WhiteJadedButterfly
“NTA.”
“She’s the parent, not your boyfriend.”
“It might be time for some tough love, and she might have to figure out how to take care of herself.”
“If she’s so sick that she needs someone around constantly, maybe she shouldn’t be biting the hand that was offering aid.”
“So stop going over and helping.”
“She clearly doesn’t appreciate it.”
“Maybe talk to your bf about staying over at your place more.”
“And his mom, who is a grown adult, can either figure out her own sickness, get a caregiver, or find financial assistance.”
“If she’s that sick, she can clearly apply for assistance to take care of her.”
“And if she can’t?”
“Then maybe she shouldn’t be trying to milk the people around her for money.”- WikkidWitchly
“NTA.”
“She is confused about who is doing who the favor here.”
“Let her learn the hard way and stop staying over.”
“If she asks for help, tell her your hourly rate for caretaking.”- Ok_Register3005
Asking the OP to pay rent is a very strange way of saying thank you, indeed.
Perhaps if the OP does take the advice of the Reddit community and doesn’t stay at the house without her boyfriend, then his mother might appreciate just how valuable the OP’s company was.
While hopefully also offering the OP the thank you and apology she deserves.