Parents are meant to raise their children to be considerate of other people. But they should also teach them to stand up for themselves.
Redditor mazioo1233’s parents are trying to convince her that she needs to remove a manicure she got. But the original poster (OP) won’t be swayed.
OP’s mother is crying and called her “inconsiderate” leading OP to question if they did the wrong thing. To figure it out, she asks the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about her situation.
It’s a strangely simple question.
“AITA for getting my nails done for vacation?”
But there’s a lot more underneath.
“Context: This is my 2nd time posting here, so for those who do not know: my parents have always had a tendency to accommodate other people’s (especially our relatives and family friends) ‘feelings’ and (often unreasonable) demands over my individual rights and comfort in order to avoid ‘offending them’ or ‘hurting their feelings’.”
“I feel like that is partly because of their (especially my mother’s) people pleaser tendencies and fear of abandonment.”
“What happened? We are going on a vacation with a close family friend, who also have a 17 year old daughter (that has this mean girl attitude).”
“I have been working part time (20 hrs/week) since I was 16 (I am turning 18 in March), on top of being an A-student and taking college classes at the same time. Because I work, I usually have some extra money that I would not otherwise get from my parent.”
“I often end up saving that amount, however, because we are going on vacation, I decided to spend $35 on a manicure with painted acrylic nails. Since my nail tech is my close friend from college, I got a discount too, so the final work looks much more expensive than $35.”
“When my parents saw that I got my nails done, they DEMANDED I take them down because the daughter of our family friend does not get the allowance to get such an expensive manicure, and the fact that I have them on may make her sad (Honestly my parents remind my of the abnegation faction in Divergent :/).”
“I calmly and respectfully told them that I don’t get the allowance either, I work during what would otherwise be my leisure time. She too has the ability to work. If she wants extra stuff that I get, she can get a job.”
“My mother proceeded to (with a fake kindness and attempting to guilt-trip me) say : ‘My dear, but don’t you care about how she might feel? I raised my daughter to be a considerate lady’.”
“I then told them that I am honestly sick and tired of always being considerate of everyone else’s micro-feelings above my own. What about my feelings? Why haven’t they mentioned ONE TIME how I might feel?”
“I am not taking the nails off, and I couldn’t care less if the nails that I got done with the money that I myself earned would kill her from envy.”
“She can either get a job, or suck it up and deal with the fact that teenagers that do can afford things that she can not. Her feelings beyond that is not my problem.”
“My mother then started crying and went on a rant for a whole day about how her ‘kind little princess turned into an evil, cold, inconsiderate b****’ and that she ‘did not raise me to be this way’.”
OP’s mom claims she’s just trying to teach her daughter to be considerate, but is it going too far?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for not removing the manicure by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The board quickly agreed that OP has done nothing wrong. She saved her own money from her job and spent a modest amount on her nails.
OP’s parents on the other hand, especially her mom for calling her a ‘b****’, are absolutely wrong to try and force OP to change based on what someone else’s kid maybe would think about something as innocuous as done-up nails.
OP is NTA.
“NTA – your moms response is incredibly manipulative and the definition of unkind.”
“Perhaps your friend would not feel jealous or sad because of your nails? Maybe she would be inspired that you worked hard and with your own money treated yourself!”
“Maybe she would respect you for handling your sh**!? Or maybe, she wouldn’t relate it to herself and her situation at all and just think your nails look nice.”
“Urg. Don’t feel bad about it. You did nothing wrong.”
“Enjoy your vacation and thanks for sharing x” – Bearboots2
“NTA, use those savings to move out. Your mom seems like to the type to give up your room to a stranger if they asked politely.”
“She doesnt respect you enough to reconsider her philosophy, and she’s likely too old to even consider changing her ways” – hellashadethrowaway
“NTA. May your acrylics always be as strong as your backbone. Good for you in standing up for yourself.” – the-benn-experience
“She didn’t raise you to be this way. She raised you to be an absolute doormat but you resisted. Good for you!”
“I also think it’s weird that that’s how they assume the girl will feel. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen someone have strong feelings of any kind about someone else’s manicure.”
“I feel like the most likely options are that she’s either the sort of person who doesn’t care at all about nails meaning she won’t notice, won’t care if she does, and wouldn’t even know what they cost in the first place. Or she is the kind of girl who likes nails, she’ll see them and be like ‘oh how cool!’” – TheBaddestPatsy
“NTA, you paid with your own money, you are a young adult. I don’t want to pick on your mom too much, but do know you had an appropriate reaction (based on what was written), continue to respectfully stand up for yourself, and know that the behaviour your mother is displaying is not healthy (nor kind).”
“Honestly if my daughter turns into the hard working young adult you seem to be, I will feel very proud. You’re allowed to take time for your own self care.”
“Someone else’s reaction to that, is not your problem nor your responsibility to rectify.” – nollamaindrama
“To add on, I would suggest making sure your things and your own money are safe. I’m not sure how close you to moving out but that seems like a strong goal to work towards and soon.”
“Let your mother know that calling you an evil, inconsiderate, little B was neither kind or considerate and if she continues to minimize You as her own daughter’s feelings, wants, or needs she can expect you to go Low Contact in the future.”
“Your mother made a big issue out of something that hasn’t even happened yet EG the other girl seeing the nails and than getting mad or sad at you. She’s just assuming.”
“That you can’t imagine (if you are interested in having babies in the far future, if not disregard this) having a mother who would so disregard your feelings, lash out in an overreaction, and than proceed to name call you like that. You certainly wouldn’t expose any future children to being treated that way by a grandmother who is supposed to -love them-.”
“You are 100% reasonable and your mother has issues. This guilt trip shaming thing is part of those issues, everything you said was reasonable. Her lack of a job does not effect you.”
“You will also never be able to please everyone at all times. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.” – Beautiful_Storm1988
A lot of the comments were focused on OP’s parents and their strange obsession with other people’s feelings to the detriment of their own daughter.
There’s a difference between being considerate and being a doormat.
“WOW what parents look at their own child and say this. Why consider what other kids think instead of your own. You wear those nails proud and with pride. You worked to pay for them, remember to mention it. NTA!” – pookguyinc
“I feel like it’s because they have abandonment issues, especially my mom. She thinks that, because they are my only family in the country, I will never leave them, but our family friends can and will.”
“So my feelings are not a priority to them, by their logic :(” – mazioo1233 (OP)
“is seeking therapy an option? because i feel like she seriously needs it, because this is not healthy and her issues affect her parenting and herself in a way that can be really destructive.”
“also NTA, because you can spend your own hard earned money however you want and the mean girl and your parents can suck it up. if the daughter of your family friend gets sad over your manicure, then she should get a job herself.” – sulevosanni
“my parents believe mental health is a hoax. Well I plan to be a psychiatrist so…:/” – mazioo1233 (OP)
“It always baffles me that something this obvious is on r/AITA.”
“NTA, you even thinking that you might be TA shows how much your parents brainwashed/ manipulated you. Do what you want, and what makes tou happy, you worked for it.(ofc if legal)”
“My opinion but, if I were you, I would cut ties with my mother the moment I move out” – Toraryion
OP has the moral high ground, but getting parents to understand can be difficult. Moving out may not be an option for some time, either.
Right now, OP needs to enforce some clear boundaries, and hope for the best.