If there's anyone who's more excited about the arrival of a newborn baby than the parents, it's the grandparents.
As they get to experience the joy of meeting the baby without all the inherent hardships that come with being a new parent, such as sleepless nights or setting a feeding schedule.
While most new parents welcome their parents with open arms to help with their new baby, some are a bit more apprehensive about accepting their parent's help.
Even though he was becoming a grandparent a bit earlier than he expected, Redditor ThrowRA_Narcdil was greatly looking forward to the arrival of his first grandchild.
As the due date grew nearer, the original poster (OP) told his son and his son's girlfriend that he was at their beck and call.
Much to his surprise, however, the girlfriend of the OP's son made it clear that his offer to help was anything but appreciated, which did not sit well with him at all.
Wondering if he was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for expecting to meet my grandchild?"
The OP explained how he was surprised that his offer to help with the arrival of his first grandchild was not met with the response he expected.
"My (42) son (Jay - 18) is having a baby with his girlfriend (Kate - 18)."
"I will be honest in saying I don't think they are ready for this."
"They have been together for less than a year, but she is due in July."
"Obviously, I know that things happen, so we are doing our best to embrace it."
"I'm excited to meet this new little person."
"Anyways, Kate's family is uninvolved – they honestly weren't great parents to begin with, but when they found out they kicked their pregnant 17-year-old to the streets."
"My son and her were living with me until two weeks ago when they got their first apartment – I am extremely proud of them."
"We had a room set up for the baby, but since they got their own place, I let them take all the baby items I purchased."
"I mean a fully furnished nursery, and then of course everything from the shower – that baby isn't going to be wanting for much."
"Well, the baby is breech."
"They have tried everything to get that baby to turn, but nothing!"
"So, they have an C-section scheduled for July 3rd, assuming the baby doesn't flip\she goes into labor. I requested this day off of work and then asked my son and Kate if they would like me to pick them up or if they planned to have my son drive them."
"My son was confused and told me that he would drive them. Why would I drive them?"
"I told him I was just offering and told him I'd be in the waiting room waiting for her to get out of surgery."
"Then Kate jumped in and said they weren't having any visitors at the hospital."
"She said she needed time to heal, and they wanted to bond with the baby."
"She said it would just be the two of them and her sister."
"I'll admit I was pretty taken aback."
"I mean, I feel like as the grandparent I'm closer than the aunt – but whatever."
"I said okay because I didn't want to fight and said I would be waiting at their house."
"Kate jumped back in and said the only visitor they would be having was her older sister."
"She said she would be in pain, bleeding, and trying to breastfeed and that she wanted privacy to do that."
"She also said that I never got my TDAP booster (which I don't need as I had it maybe five years ago when I had to go to the ER for a cut), so I couldn't come until the baby had its first shots or I got the shot."
"I pointed out to her if she didn't have a vaginal birth that, she wouldn't be bleeding, and it would just be a surgery recovery, and she could stay in the bedroom and relax and my son could bring her the baby when it's hungry."
"She told me that 'nobody was taking her newborn from her.'"
"Lots of other things were said, and I feel extremely taken advantage of."
"I sheltered and provided for her and my son, and I didn't have to - plus I gifted them a lot."
"I now see a lot of other narc tendencies from her, and I feel like it's WWIII with my poor boy caught in the middle."
"I don't feel like an a**hole, but she and my son are saying I am."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The OP received little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who unanimously agreed that the OP was indeed the a**hole for the way he treated Kate.
Everyone agreed that Kate's concerns about her recovery and bringing the baby home was valid, and the OP should have respected her wishes, particularly owing to her young age.
"YTA."
"1) you are factually wrong about bleeding."
"I have had 3 C-sections and bled for 4-6 weeks afterward."
"The bleeding is lochia, and every woman experiences it after birth regardless of how she delivered."
"2) it's extremely common now for parents to take the first few days to bond alone with their baby."
"It's not a personal thing against you specifically."
"3) as for her older sister being there, she's most likely there to take care of her sister, not just to see the new baby, and YES there is a big difference in that."
"4) If she is requesting you get the shot, get the damn shot or show proof that you have had it recently enough not to need a booster."- Passenger_Glad
"Yes, YTA."
"First, of course, she'll be bleeding."
"The bleeding comes from the placenta detaching from the uterus. It's bleedy!"
"Second, you need a TDAP booster."
"Five years is not recent enough for a newborn."
"Third, Kate wants to sit at home and hold her baby and her boyfriend and cry."
"She does not want to dress, shower or sit up in bed, let alone host people."
"The f*ck."
"Your response to 'I just want to bond with my baby in hospital' was 'I'll be waiting at your house'?"
"The f*ck?"
"Have you forgotten what it was like when you'd just given birth?"
"Fourth, hinting until you're given a hard 'no' then complaining that someone was rude?'"
"Bad look."
"Your little dig at the end about 'narc tendencies' reads a lot like 'every accusation is a confession'."
"Also a bad look."
"She obviously doesn't come from a close or supportive family (Sister excepted)."
"That does damage."
"She's also shown that she's ready and willing to lose family over this baby."
"You're in the wrong anyway - you've overstepped massively and by the sounds of it were pretty insulting."
"'Lots of other things were said' hides less than you'd like to think it does."
"Apologize, get your TDAP shot, and wait for an invitation to visit."
"You f*cked up big, own it, and your relationship with your family has a chance."
"Get defensive, or turn the 'gift' of furniture into an obligation, and find out how soon they'll cut you out."- Doctor-Liz
"YTA."
"She is going to be recovering from surgery."
"If she doesn't want visitors, respect it."
"You'll see the baby when she's up for visitors."- NotCreativeAtAll16
"YTA."
"You're closer to the baby than the mother's sister; how exactly?"
"How do those mental gymnastics work?"
"And talk about narcissistic tendencies. You're literally saying you're entitled to be in the hospital because you bought them things."
"Also, a tdap vaccine is recommended for anyone that is going to around a newborn for an extended period of time."- FSUfan35
"YTA."
"You don't get to inform someone you will be at the hospital for their medical procedure."
"Nor do you get to inform someone you will be at their home waiting for them to arrive with their new baby."
"You are seriously overstepping, and supporting them/giving gifts doesn't permit you to act this way."
"Consider this: even if you weren't TA here (and you are), you are much more likely to have a close relationship with your grandchild if you respect his/her mother's wishes and boundaries."
"Don't get in your own way."
"Also consider how scary it would be to become a new mom at 18."
"Teen pregnancy is already stigmatized enough. She doesn't need you judging her when she's in the most vulnerable state of her life."
"And your 'poor boy' knocked her up and is responsible for that and for stepping up now to be a good father and partner, which means respecting the wishes of the mother of his child."
"OP, your DIL will be bleeding, in pain, having mood swings, hormonal, walking around the apartment with sore breasts and genitals."
"She will be mourning the family support she doesn't have, her own childhood, which is now abruptly over, and any future plans she's putting on hold to take care of her baby."
"You have no idea what she's going through."
"If you think she's being narcissistic because she's only focused on her and the baby — that's what she's SUPPOSED to be doing."
"She's not supposed to be focusing on her FIL."
"Hell, I have a great FIL, and even I would be uncomfortable with him seeing me in that state, and certainly wouldn't let him hold my newborn out of my sight if he'd treated me even a fraction as poorly as you've treated DIL."- ms_sconesycider
Upon reading the responses from the Reddit community, a contrite OP returned with an update.
"I see now that I have been the a** in several ways, so I'm going to just apologize to keep the peace and accept that I'll have to wait."
It is clear that the OP is going to love his grandchild very much and is ready and willing to help.
What he wasn't aware of, however, is that sometimes, taking a step back and giving people the space they need is the help people need more than anything else.
Hopefully, now that he's seen that his behavior was a bit misguided, the OP will check in with Kate about how he can be of help rather than make assumptions.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp