Even though we may have grown up with a set idea of what we planned on naming our children, we know that our chosen name might not end up becoming a reality.
As your co-parent might not feel as excited about that name as you do.
Making matters more complicated is the fact that everyone you know will likely have an opinion on what you plan on naming and/or what you should name your child.
Even though this is absolutely none of their business, they have no trouble sharing those opinions.
Owing to some unfortunate circumstances in her home life, Redditor Historical-Pain-3395 found herself needing to live with her grandparents.
Much to her surprise and annoyance, the original poster (OP)'s grandparents told her they did not plan on addressing her by her given name, despite her protests.
Having finally had enough, the OP felt there was only one solution to put an end to this bizarre decision by her grandparents.
A decision her grandparents felt was "rude".
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to answer to my grandparents 'nickname' for me?"
The OP explained why her grandparents refused to address her by her given name and how she chose to handle it:
"I (15 F[emale]) started living with my grandparents last year because my mom ended up needing to be taken care of and couldn't take care of me."
"So my grandparents took me."
"Ever since I moved in they have tried calling me 'Elizabeth'."
"That is not my name. That's not even my middle name."
"I have always used my first name 'Astraea,' or my cutesy version of my middle name, which sometimes gets used for a nickname but is not connected to Elizabeth at all."
"My grandparents never liked my name."
"They admitted that to me when I moved in with them."
"They asked me if I would be okay with a nicer, more classic name, and I told them no, because I love my name."
"They asked me if I would like Emily because that was their unused girl name when they finished having kids and my answer was no."
"So when I rejected Emily, they decided Elizabeth was the way to go."
"They call me Elizabeth and not my name or my middle name or even the cutesy version of the middle name."
"It annoys me so freaking much."
"I have asked them to use my name, but they told me the name is weird, and they have no idea what my mom was thinking of when she named me."
"They told me they tried to get her to pick a normal name but she was set on that and she was 19 so at that stage where listening to your parents is seen in a negative light."
"I reached the point where I refuse to answer to or respond to them when they call me Elizabeth."
"I will totally ignore them."
"My grandparents told me I'm being rude and I would want to start thinking of my future and how a name like Elizabeth or Emily would be better received by future employers and other adults in society."
"They told me even without that it's rude to ignore people and to refuse to engage with them."
"AITA?"
In a later comment, the OP shared a few more details on her mother's situation:
"My mom is going to die from the illness she has."
"I'll never get to have my mom back in the same way again."
"Which is already super hard."
"I don't have other family who would take me."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for refusing to answer to anything other than her given name.
Everyone agreed that if anyone was being rude, it was the OP's grandparents, who were not only being petty and childish but also highly insensitive knowing how fragile the OP might be having to leave her mother's care.
"NTA."
"There's a level of absolute insanity to this that I can't even express."
"Pick a random name every time you speak to them until you find one they really hate."
"If they object, tell them that you like X name better, and so they should change their name for you."
"Poindexter? Hubert? Martha? Prudence? Brunhilda?"
"Make sure they're actual names that are used, just ones they don't like."
"Since the only people being immature here are your grandparents, giving them some personal experience with this nonsense is justified."
"That said, I'd consider this abusive, and you could talk to your school counselor about it."
"They might be willing to step in and explain how trying to force you to use a name just because they 'like' it, can cause identity issues and trauma."
"Peoples names are non-negotiable."- savinathewhite
"NTA - it's… your name."
"It's time to sit them down and kindly explain some boundaries, knowing that while you can't control their behavior, you can control how you respond to it."
"Tell them you love your name, that you find it hurtful and troubling that they would choose to try and change your identity."
"Let them know that when they say the wrong name, you will correct them."
"And then do. Ignoring them will only add fuel to the fire (that they started)."
"So when they say, 'Elizabeth ' just repeat, 'that's not my name, I've told you it's hurtful, please call me Astraea'."
"Rinse and repeat."
"They will get pissy about it for a while because they are not getting their way, but should get the gist in time."
"I'm sorry about your Ma."- Gold_Seaweed3130
"NTA."
"Not even close to being TA here."
"What choice have they left you?"
"It's utterly disrespectful to you."- Zagriel55
"NTA."
"It is your name."
"Explain that popular names come and go, and that 'weird' names are just new to them."
"Names like Wilma and Wilbur might seem weird to current generations."
"What's old is new again."
"Astraea is an old Latin/Greek name."
"Aster means 'Star', and this gives us lots of names like Esther, Estrella, Estelle, Etoile, Svetlana, Stella, and Astrid."
"'In classical mythology Astraea, the goddess of justice, chastity, and truth, was the last of the immortals to leave Earth with the decline of the ages'."
"'Her return was to signal the dawn of a new Golden Age'."- Shawaii
"NTA."
"Start calling them by different names as well and when confronted say how the names you've picked out would look so much better on their tombstones."- Cleantech2020
"NTA."
"Calling you by your preferred name is the very basic level of respect and you can't even get that."
"Your grandparents suck."- ThrowAway-MR0
"NTA."
"Astraea is a classic name - it's literally from Classical Greek mythology - the goddess of innocence and justice."
"More importantly, it's your name, you love it, and you're old enough to express your own personhood and expect people to respect that."
"Further, it sounds like your mom is some sort of unwell right now - it's incredibly rude to ignore both your wishes and hers."
"She is your mother and she was perfectly within her rights to give you whatever name she wanted."
"Her current illness doesn't negate that."
"Your grandparents don't get to rename you like an adopted baby or a rescue pet."
"It's even ruder to misname people deliberately and to badmouth their parents constantly."
"And anyway, there'll be plenty of time to address issues with employers if and when it happens (key word being 'if' because I don't believe your sort of mythological name is going to be an issue, but if it is, you can always use initials or a middle name)."
"There's absolutely no need for them to borrow trouble now by forcing the issue with emotional abuse."- Normal-Height-8577
"Hmm... sounds an awful lot like grandparents IGNORING their grandchild's wishes and REFUSING TO ENGAGE with your chosen name."
"Interesting."
"Just in case it needed to be said, NTA."- yeetmethehoney
"NTA."
"You are not rude at all. There are 3 options you gave people to call you, and they can't even do one of them."
"Honestly you have gone through enough being separated from your mother, the least they can do is call you your name."- GlumPie8709
It's hard to imagine how the only thing that appears to be on the minds of the OP's grandparents after the OP had to leave her home knowing that her mother was dying, was how much they dislike her name.
One would think that anyone else in this situation would show the OP nothing but kindness and compassion.
It is truly tragic that the OP doesn't have any other family who can take her in, as she needs a place where she feels loved and supported.
Here's hoping she finds such a place soon.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp