Even though we may have grown up with a set idea of what we planned on naming our children, we know that our chosen name might not end up becoming a reality.
As your co-parent might not feel as excited about that name as you do.
Making matters more complicated is the fact that everyone you know will likely have an opinion on what you plan on naming and/or what you should name your child.
Even though this is absolutely none of their business, they have no trouble sharing those opinions.
Owing to some unfortunate circumstances in her home life, Redditor Historical-Pain-3395 found herself needing to live with her grandparents.
Much to her surprise and annoyance, the original poster (OP)'s grandparents told her they did not plan on addressing her by her given name, despite her protests.
Having finally had enough, the OP felt there was only one solution to put an end to this bizarre decision by her grandparents.
A decision her grandparents felt was "rude".
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to answer to my grandparents 'nickname' for me?"
The OP explained why her grandparents refused to address her by her given name and how she chose to handle it:
"I (15 F[emale]) started living with my grandparents last year because my mom ended up needing to be taken care of and couldn't take care of me."
"So my grandparents took me."
"Ever since I moved in they have tried calling me 'Elizabeth'."
"That is not my name. That's not even my middle name."
"I have always used my first name 'Astraea,' or my cutesy version of my middle name, which sometimes gets used for a nickname but is not connected to Elizabeth at all."
"My grandparents never liked my name."
"They admitted that to me when I moved in with them."
"They asked me if I would be okay with a nicer, more classic name, and I told them no, because I love my name."
"They asked me if I would like Emily because that was their unused girl name when they finished having kids and my answer was no."
"So when I rejected Emily, they decided Elizabeth was the way to go."
"They call me Elizabeth and not my name or my middle name or even the cutesy version of the middle name."
"It annoys me so freaking much."
"I have asked them to use my name, but they told me the name is weird, and they have no idea what my mom was thinking of when she named me."
"They told me they tried to get her to pick a normal name but she was set on that and she was 19 so at that stage where listening to your parents is seen in a negative light."
"I reached the point where I refuse to answer to or respond to them when they call me Elizabeth."
"I will totally ignore them."
"My grandparents told me I'm being rude and I would want to start thinking of my future and how a name like Elizabeth or Emily would be better received by future employers and other adults in society."
"They told me even without that it's rude to ignore people and to refuse to engage with them."
"AITA?"
In a later comment, the OP shared a few more details on her mother's situation:
"My mom is going to die from the illness she has."
"I'll never get to have my mom back in the same way again."
"Which is already super hard."
"I don't have other family who would take me."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for refusing to answer to anything other than her given name.
Everyone agreed that if anyone was being rude, it was the OP's grandparents, who were not only being petty and childish but also highly insensitive knowing how fragile the OP might be having to leave her mother's care.
"NTA."
"There's a level of absolute insanity to this that I can't even express."
"Pick a random name every time you speak to them until you find one they really hate."
"If they object, tell them that you like X name better, and so they should change their name for you."
"Poindexter? Hubert? Martha? Prudence? Brunhilda?"
"Make sure they're actual names that are used, just ones they don't like."
"Since the only people being immature here are your grandparents, giving them some personal experience with this nonsense is justified."
"That said, I'd consider this abusive, and you could talk to your school counselor about it."
"They might be willing to step in and explain how trying to force you to use a name just because they 'like' it, can cause identity issues and trauma."
"Peoples names are non-negotiable."- savinathewhite
"NTA - it's… your name."
"It's time to sit them down and kindly explain some boundaries, knowing that while you can't control their behavior, you can control how you respond to it."
"Tell them you love your name, that you find it hurtful and troubling that they would choose to try and change your identity."
"Let them know that when they say the wrong name, you will correct them."
"And then do. Ignoring them will only add fuel to the fire (that they started)."
"So when they say, 'Elizabeth ' just repeat, 'that's not my name, I've told you it's hurtful, please call me Astraea'."
"Rinse and repeat."
"They will get pissy about it for a while because they are not getting their way, but should get the gist in time."
"I'm sorry about your Ma."- Gold_Seaweed3130
"NTA."
"Not even close to being TA here."
"What choice have they left you?"
"It's utterly disrespectful to you."- Zagriel55
"NTA."
"It is your name."
"Explain that popular names come and go, and that 'weird' names are just new to them."
"Names like Wilma and Wilbur might seem weird to current generations."
"What's old is new again."
"Astraea is an old Latin/Greek name."
"Aster means 'Star', and this gives us lots of names like Esther, Estrella, Estelle, Etoile, Svetlana, Stella, and Astrid."
"'In classical mythology Astraea, the goddess of justice, chastity, and truth, was the last of the immortals to leave Earth with the decline of the ages'."
"'Her return was to signal the dawn of a new Golden Age'."- Shawaii
"NTA."
"Start calling them by different names as well and when confronted say how the names you've picked out would look so much better on their tombstones."- Cleantech2020
"NTA."
"Calling you by your preferred name is the very basic level of respect and you can't even get that."
"Your grandparents suck."- ThrowAway-MR0
"NTA."
"Astraea is a classic name - it's literally from Classical Greek mythology - the goddess of innocence and justice."
"More importantly, it's your name, you love it, and you're old enough to express your own personhood and expect people to respect that."
"Further, it sounds like your mom is some sort of unwell right now - it's incredibly rude to ignore both your wishes and hers."
"She is your mother and she was perfectly within her rights to give you whatever name she wanted."
"Her current illness doesn't negate that."
"Your grandparents don't get to rename you like an adopted baby or a rescue pet."
"It's even ruder to misname people deliberately and to badmouth their parents constantly."
"And anyway, there'll be plenty of time to address issues with employers if and when it happens (key word being 'if' because I don't believe your sort of mythological name is going to be an issue, but if it is, you can always use initials or a middle name)."
"There's absolutely no need for them to borrow trouble now by forcing the issue with emotional abuse."- Normal-Height-8577
"Hmm... sounds an awful lot like grandparents IGNORING their grandchild's wishes and REFUSING TO ENGAGE with your chosen name."
"Interesting."
"Just in case it needed to be said, NTA."- yeetmethehoney
"NTA."
"You are not rude at all. There are 3 options you gave people to call you, and they can't even do one of them."
"Honestly you have gone through enough being separated from your mother, the least they can do is call you your name."- GlumPie8709
It's hard to imagine how the only thing that appears to be on the minds of the OP's grandparents after the OP had to leave her home knowing that her mother was dying, was how much they dislike her name.
One would think that anyone else in this situation would show the OP nothing but kindness and compassion.
It is truly tragic that the OP doesn't have any other family who can take her in, as she needs a place where she feels loved and supported.
Here's hoping she finds such a place soon.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.