Redditor Former_Sprinkles_370's stepsister recently turned 10 years old.
The birthday girl's dream celebration involved having a "girly day" with the Original Poster (OP) and grandmother.
However, the OP wasn't willing or interested in calling out of work to celebrate.
The OP's stepdad (birthday girl's dad) did not like this decision, driving the OP to seek out feedback from subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for ruining my stepsister's birthday?"
She went on to explain.
"My stepsister turned 10 yesterday. Her dad had arranged for her grandma (his mom) to take her for a girly day. Her dad is married to my mom."
"Her dad told me three weeks ago that I needed to take her birthday off because she wanted me to go and I [17-year-old female] was going."
"I told him I would not take the day off and I was not going. He told me not to argue with him and do it. I told him I would not and he could not force me to."
"Mom asked me if I would take one day off and go for the girly day with my stepsister. She said she was feeling pretty lonely and wanted me there because she idolizes me."
"I told mom I didn't want to spend a whole day with her and her grandma and I had better things to do. Mom didn't like it but she let the topic drop."
"Nobody else mentioned it again after my mom and then yesterday came and I went to work as normal and my mom's husband starts calling and texting me…"
"…demanding that I leave work and go with his daughter and mom. I ignored him and turned my phone off."
"He showed up where I work and my boss kicked him out because he was causing such a big disruption."
"I got home later than usual because I went to my grandma's house after work."
"But when I did get home he was waiting for me and he said his daughter got home early from her girly day because she was upset I didn't show up and she had been expecting me."
"I told him that I had never agreed to go and he shouldn't have made any promises that I would. He told me he ordered me to call off work and I should have done it."
"Then he complained that I had ruined his daughter's birthday and crushed her soul and I should be f*cking ashamed of myself."
"My mom, her husband, and I had an early birthday dinner Friday night to celebrate my stepsister."
"Things are still very tense and my stepsister is upset about yesterday. I heard her crying to her dad earlier about it."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA, step-dad is big time a**hole. You're old enough that you don't have to do things like be forced to call off work and hang out with your stepsister and her a**hole dad."
"'He showed up where I work, and my boss kicked him out because he was causing such a big disruption.'"
"'He told me he ordered me to call off work, and I should have done it.'"
"What an a**hole." - StonewallBrigade21
"I would bet a thousand bucks that the OP's stepsister doesn't "idolize" the OP and wasn't crushed that she didn't come on the girls' day."
"And that Mom and Stepdad are doing what the parents of so many blended families do, trying to convince themselves that the kids are far closer to each other than they really are." - Echo-Azure
"NTA but ordered?? Does your mom allow this?? Nope, keep standing up for yourself they told her a lie."
"Talk to her privately and let her know you already told the parents you wouldn't be attending, but if she wants you and her can do something, just the two of you."
"Definitely save up and move cause his response is a no." - blackwillow-99
"NTA"
"You said no. He did not respect this."
"His own fault he led his daughter to believe you would be there."
"And - he ordered??"
"I guess you made it clear that he does not have that authority."
"Your mother knew you did not take the day off - what was her reaction to all this??" - clearheaded01
"NTA it seems like they are trying to force an unwanted relationship on you. Your stepfather cannot force you to like your stepsister."
"He cannot force you to be close with her, and why would you want to spend the day with her grandmother. . . he can get bent."
"Your mother can go with him if she doesn't knock it off. Seems like there's some tension over the new family dynamic. You're not obliged to like either of them."
"Were you consulted when they got married or when they moved in? I'm betting not. Her birthday happiness is not your responsibility" - KashmirStar
"NTA. If this was from the stepdads pov I doubt there would be as many Y T A. You already did the dinner for her birthday. You didn't want to do a "girls day" … you get to have a preference."
"It's not your fault that stepdad told her you'd go. Plus you were working. He gonna give you the money from lost wages? Doubt it."
"And if you're biding your time until you can leave, you need all the money you can save up." - Safe_Initiative1340
"NTA."
"'Stepsister, I'm sorry that your dad didn't tell you that I wasn't available to go with you. I'm sorry that he let you believe that I was going to be with you.'"
"'It wasn't right of him to let you be so disappointed like that. I told him, from the beginning, that I wasn't available. I'm sorry that you weren't told.'"
"'If your dad ever arranges something like this for you again, please ask me directly if I'm going to be available or not. I will tell you.'"
"You do not have to explain more than that." - blueberryyogurtcup
"NTA. Your stepfather sounds like a piece of work."
"If it meant so much to his child that you spend time with her having girly time, he could have asked you if there was a time that was convenient for you."
"As another poster noted, he has no authority over you, and no adult with any sense would 'order' a teenager to miss one of their obligations, such as work, to go to a child's girly day."
"How can you be expected to have a special relationship with this child when stepfather and stepsister are trying to force it? It's also strange they didn't invite one of stepsisters friends."
"At first, I felt sorry for stepsister because she was looking forward to the day with you…"
"…but that feeling ended when I heard she was taking advantage of her father's temper by continuing to complain that you didn't go."
"However, she's a child, and maybe having her father get things for her is all she knows." - General_Relative2838
"Why is your mom allowing this random man to order you around?"
"He may be her husband and some things are reasonable and expected when people become a family but what he is asking for is unreasonable…"
"…and your mom is allowing him to mistreat his daughter..NTA" - 9inkski3s
"Your mom's husband 'ordered you'? The f*ck? Obviously you're working, pretty independent, and close to adulthood so IDK how he thought THAT was going to work."
"Ugh. Your MOM married this man, that doesn't mean you love, like, or want to be around him or his child/family. Save your money, get good grades, and burn rubber when you turn 18."
"NTA" - 74Magick
"NTA"
"Your SF ruined her birthday, not you"
"Who does he think he is? What is this?"
"How dare he makes such demands and show up at your workplace? Is he a maniac?"
"Your SF and your mother who enables the situation, are massive AHS" - FunctionAggressive75
"NTA"
"Your stepdad is the reason his daughter is upset, he was the one who promised you'd be there. He probably thought he could bully you into going."
"Your mum seems to lack a spine too, if she's letting her husband speak to you this way. He's even turned up at your work place?? Unacceptable."
"The quicker you can get away from this man, the better." - Final_Figure_7150
"You didn't technically ruin your stepsister's birthday. Her dad did, by promising you would be there when he knew you wouldn't. NTA"
"Saying you and grandma 'had better things to do' is a bit harsh. And maybe your stepsister isn't too bad, when you view her seperately from her AH father."
"But he can't just use you for her entertainment."
"Or you should be properly compensated for your babysitting duties. That kind of sounds harsher than it did in my mind."
"But he really expected you to just take time off, not for the celebration, but for a fun outing you didn't agree to." - Special_Lychee_6847
Stepdad took it a few steps too far.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.