Some accidents can turn out to be blessings.
Unplanned pregnancies are a good example of a happy accident.
Of course, that type of life upheaval can come with a ton of struggles.
It can be especially difficult when the parents are young and not in a stable life space.
Those situations can lead to some hard decisions for the parents and their loved ones.
Redditor idiotfatheraita wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA For refusing to let my stepson and his newly pregnant G[irl]F[riend] move in with us?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (40 F[emale]) and I (42 M[ale]) have been married for 3 years."
"We don't have any kids together, but she has 2 kids from a previous relationship (21 F and 19 M)."
"I have decent relationships with her kids, but due to their ages when I met their mom, I never assumed a father-type role, and they never expected me to fill that for them."
"Their bio dad is involved in their lives, and we all get along pretty well."
"My stepdaughter is at college, so we don't see her very often."
"My stepson (Joe) lives a few hours away from us with his GF and works full-time."
"A couple of weeks ago, Joe called my wife and asked if he and his GF could come visit."
"My wife was very excited because she hadn't seen Joe in a while."
"But Joe never just visits for fun."
"It's almost always when he needs something and knows my wife has a harder time saying 'No' if he asks in person."
"So I wasn't surprised at all when Joe and his GF excitedly told us that they just found out they were expecting and GF is 9 weeks along."
"After the initial excitement and tears from my wife, Joe dropped the question I knew was coming."
"They want to move in with my wife and me while they get their feet under them because their current 1-room apartment isn't big enough for a baby."
"My wife looked at me and must have sensed my hesitation because she said this is something we all need to discuss first to make sure it will work."
"Joe and his GF agreed and told us to ask them anything."
"My wife asked a few questions about whether or not this was planned and what their plans are besides moving in with us."
"Joe and his GF started talking about how their apartment could work if absolutely needed, but it's tiny and there's no separate room for the baby."
"They could also save a lot of money by living with us and get a better place sooner that way."
"Then Joe's GF said that it wasn't planned, but they are both so excited to be parents."
"She said that she had to switch birth control due to a hormonal imbalance and that Joe hates condoms, and it just kind of happened."
"Joe then laughed and joked about how much condoms suck."
"I had been mostly quiet up to this point."
"But after Joe made that joke, I spoke up."
"I told them that it sounds like both of them knew that GF was in a transition period with birth control and they knew this sort of thing could happen and yet still choose to be stupid about it."
"I told them they are both idiots if they think I am going to be OK with them moving in with us with a baby when this situation was completely preventable by them not being dumb."
"Joe's GF started crying, and my wife and Joe immediately started consoling her."
"My wife scolded me for being too harsh and that we all still have a lot to talk about."
"My wife and I have been fighting about this ever since."
"She thinks we need to help in any way we can and I think that since Joe and his GF were dumb enough to get themselves into this, I don't want to end up being responsible for a baby when they inevitably do something dumb again."
"He works in trades and actually does OK for his age."
"Definitely above minimum wage, and his skills are easily transferable."
"GF is a waitress, so that's pretty transferable, too."
"But neither have any aspirations for higher education so their future earning potential is limited for sure."
"I don't think either of them have the ability to think very far into the future."
"Like I said, they're idiots."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. If they move in from their current residence - a few hours away - that means they both will have to quit their jobs and find new ones."
"At 19 years old I'm going to assume he's a minimum wage or a bit higher?"
"And what does GF do?"
"Even though it's illegal as soon as she starts showing she's going to not get job offers."
"All that means OP and his wife will be paying for EVERYTHING!"
"WHO is going to provide daycare, formula, and food for 4 instead of two?"
"You have an increase in utilities, not to mention baby stuff takes so much room."
"What's the division of labor going to look like?"
"How long do they think it'll take to get 'on their feet?'"
"I'm with OP on this."
"Bet Joe wouldn't dare ask his dad if he and his GF could move in with him." ~ disney_nerd_mom
"Their choice is their choice."
"OP, it might be kind to do something special for your wife and have a conversation."
"You understand you could have delivered your piece a bit more softly."
"You're sorry it upset them."
"But this actually is a bad choice for all involved."
"If these kids want to become parents, they need to be prepared to shoulder ALL BURDENS themselves."
"Sacrifice so their child has a good life."
"Those traits should begin with planning a child."
"But if unplanned and winging it, it's better they shoulder that struggle from the jump."
"Neither of you would be doing any of you anything but stress and angst for both relationships."
"They're not married."
"How would house 'rules' get instituted and enforced? What would the consequences be?"
"How and who would be responsible for that?"
"It's bad 'family-ing' and you will all be worse off."
"You love your wife."
"Maybe you guys can help in other ways."
"But living with you is a BAD BAD Proposition."
"And you value your marriage too much to compromise it for what right now, is a whim." ~ No_Appointment_7232
"I agree with this so much."
"In addition, he is already talking about how they can save money living with you, so he doesn't intend to have to pay rent, utilities, or food."
"We all know when kids return home, they revert back to a teen that doesn't help around the house, feel entitled to whatever is in the house, and God forbid they clean up after themselves."
"I know mom is wearing her heart on her sleeve, but she is inviting a lot of conflict."
"Plus, they will have to find new jobs, and that could take months."
"Mom wants to help, but I don't think moving them in is helping."
"It's really kind of handicapping them because they should be standing on their own."
"I would rather find them an apartment close by, front a couple of months rent, and then after they would be on their own."
"It would cost less and provide them with independence and motivate them to stand on their own two feet." ~ No_Tough3666
"From the time my son was three months old until his first birthday, we lived in a travel trailer."
"Not a motorhome, an old Airstream designed to be towed behind a car."
"It was in a cow pasture with a rudimentary water/sewer hookup and a long extension cord."
"The thing was 30 feet by 8 feet - we managed."
"Then his dad got back from Vietnam, and we were able to rent a small house."
"1960s landlords did not rent to 17-year-old females who didn't have a male available to cosign for them, even if they were married."
"OP's stepson wants guarantees of support, he hasn't earned them and needs to stay where he is until he can afford better."
"OP is NTA here." ~ IntroductionPast3342
"They will Move in and mommy will want to be close to the grandbaby so they will never leave."
"GF probably will want to stay home."
"He has to suck it up for being an immature AH for not wearing condoms because he doesn't like them."
"They need to be responsible and work it out themselves and live in a 1-bedroom apt."
"Babies sleep in the same room with their parents usually for a year."
"So no need for 2 rooms. NTA." ~ Fluffy-Scheme7704
"Is this a shared home? You own? She owns? Who pays for it?"
"She's welcome to have her son and his girlfriend and baby move into HER home if it's hers and she pays for it."
"But you don't have to be there for it."
"If it's yours or you both share the costs/mortgage, stand your ground."
"They'll never leave.
"And living with a baby will dramatically alter your day-to-day. NTA." ~ NUredditNU
"NTA. Babies don't need separate space for a while, they've got plenty of time to get their feet under them without moving into your house." ~ DinoSnuggler
Well, OP, Reddit is with you. Maybe you could've used a little more finesse.
But you're doing what you think is best.
They clearly have a lot of growing up to do. Hopefully, they do it fast.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp