It’s becoming increasingly well-known that pregnancy takes a great toll on a person’s body.
But society still tends to pressure women to look as if they’ve never carried a baby, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
When his wife was commenting about her own body not going back to normal, Redditor RonchIRode gave advice to her that he thought was helpful.
But when her feelings were hurt, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he had said the wrong thing.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for pointing out my wife’s baby weight?”
The OP wife had different experiences with her two pregnancies.
“I (32 Male) have been married to my wife (31 Female) for nine years. We have a seven-year-old son together and two-year-old twins.”
“With our son, my wife lost her weight pretty fast, and she didn’t gain much to even start out with.”
The OP noticed his wife’s post-pregnancy healing looked different, too.
“My wife has always been pretty petite. Before our twins, she was probably 120-125 pounds. She is now 180.”
“She has shown no attempt to lose weight and no longer goes to the gym. She use to always be in the gym, four days a week.”
The OP’s wife did not respond well to something he thought was helpful.
“The other night, she was complaining her new jeans no longer fit, and I pointed out that she still has her baby weight.”
“She got really upset and said I basically called her unattractive.”
“That is not the case at all, I find my wife beautiful, but she keeps sizing up in her jeans and then acts confused about why.”
“We’re very open with each other, so I didn’t think she’d take it so offensively. I told her I thought she was beautiful, and that wasn’t supposed to be an insult, just that she hasn’t lost it yet.”
“She then got defensive and said she carried two babies in her body, and what did I expect?”
“She slept as far to the wall as she could get and had an attitude with me for the rest of the night. We are open about things, and I never meant for it to be taken so negatively or to insult her.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were furious with the OP for being so insensitive to his wife’s feelings.
“I had one (ONE) uterine cramp getting fitted for an IUD, and in that moment was the clarity of one infinitesimally small part of a pregnancy and birth experience.”
“Babies build bones, and do you know how? By LEECHING CALCIUM FROM THEIR MOTHER’S BONES. Metal. Your wife’s body had twins in it.”
“Her bones had to move around and reorganize. Her organs had to shift to make room. Her lungs and heart, and bladder had to work under increased pressure. She had to go through labor and then deliver two whole babies and the associated bits and bobs.”
“If that were my wife… bro, I would never ask her to do anything ever again. Split your abdominal muscles in half and then decide if you feel like going to the gym ever again.”
“Then get on Google and ask what you can do to support a partner who wants to get back in shape. You can meal prep. You can offer to take something off her hands or get her sessions to something fun and fitness-adjacent, so she feels good. That way, she knows you want her to feel good, so she feels good, not so that you can pass judgment on her appearance.”
“Not the most egregious, more of a dumb, but YTA.” – Klay-Annimation
“It wasn’t an unsolicited opinion at all. OP was just too dumb to realize she was looking for support and not to be told the truth. He did the same as if a woman said to a man, ‘Your d**k is perfect. The big ones hurt.'” – DaveRN1
“She didn’t ask for OP’s input on her dress size, and she didn’t invite his opinions on it either.”
“When your spouse is vulnerable, and in need of your support, that is a very different scenario to them specifically asking you to weigh in on something. He wasn’t asked for his opinion, nor was it a welcome part of the discourse. His support could have been given in a myriad of ways, including non-verbally.”
“Your analogy is the complete opposite of what he said. He didn’t lead with a compliment. He led with the negative commentary on her physical appearance and only added that he thought she was beautiful once the damage was done and she was visibly upset.” – ellenripleysanicon
“Pregnancy is so hard on the body, and men like OP don’t get it.”
“OP, pregnancy is hard enough on a woman’s body, but carrying multiples takes it to a whole other level. There’s a reason twins and multiple births tend to be the exception and not the norm. It’s the same reason twins are way more likely to be born prematurely; women’s bodies only have so much room for a baby.”
“Put that together with the fact your wife is perpetually exhausted all the time because she’s now outnumbered by the kids, and it should be pretty obvious why her body is having a harder time bouncing back.”
“Her body has done more amazing things than yours ever will. Therefore, have no right to comment on her weight. Go apologize and never, ever comment on her body again unless it’s in appreciation for what a badass your wife is.”
“Hard YTA.” – Gizzycav
“YTA.”
“Three kids.”
“When exactly is she supposed to get to the gym? When was the last time she was even able to go to the bathroom alone? Or take a bubble bath? Go for a walk alone or drink a glass of wine without needing to deal with kids?”
“I’m not even going to ask how much parental responsibilities you shoulder, so she has downtime.”
“Your ‘honesty’ sounds like judgment. Go apologize.” – Short-Classroom2559
But others didn’t think the OP was insulting his wife.
“OP hasn’t complained about his wife’s weight or the fact that she doesn’t go to the gym. All he did was state facts, and he admitted that he still finds his wife beautiful.”
“All he said is that the reason she doesn’t fit in her jeans is because of her baby weight, which is TRUE. How the f**k is saying the truth fat shaming or misogynistic? NTA.” – stevenhau2
“NTA. Unless you make other comments about her weight that aren’t written in your post, you merely stated why she didn’t fit in her jeans anymore, not egging her on to lose weight.”
“60 pounds is a lot of ‘extra’ weight if one is used to being a mere 120-125. Having children is tough and exhausting, but there’s no need to be in denial about a 50% weight increase.” – palegate
“NTA. You weren’t criticizing her, just stating a fact.” – ybflao
“NTA. She still has baby weight, that’s a fact. You pointing out that objective fact holds no judgment. If she gets upset about you pointing out objective facts, then it only means that she herself is not satisfied with her body.”
“All the people in the comments yammering on about the gym; you don’t need to go to the gym to lose weight, all you need to do is make sure your caloric expenditure is higher than your caloric intake ie: just eat less.” – Snow2D
“Your context and framing are probably gonna get you a lot of YTA votes, but to be honest, I vote NTA. Not the smartest thing to say anything there, and you should have just let her vent, given the reaction, but it sounds like you just need to talk to her at a different time and see if there is anything further you can do to help her have more free time if you aren’t doing that already.” – DSmooth425
Some argued that neither the OP nor his wife was in the wrong.
“NAH.”
“You told her the facts and accidentally hit a vulnerable point.”
“In my opinion, most of the YTA posts have never been in a long-term relationship.”
“Unfortunately, being honest is the only sustainable way to keep a relationship working and healthy.”
“This also includes uncomfortable topics and can quickly lead to hurt feelings on either side.”
“The good thing is, now you know how much your wife suffers under this.”
“How you take it from here decides if your an A H or not.” – chrisderBe
“This is one of those no-win situations. And she started it, so if he’s TA, so is she. What kind of answer did she expect, really now?”
“(Personally, I voted NAH because I can understand her being insecure and tired after three kids, so it might have just been a bad moment.)” – Anteatereatingant
“NAH.”
“And I am a mom of five.”
“She was upset about the weight. He assured her he loved her baby weight and all.”
“They need to work together to figure out how they can balance life and help her get her confidence back if that’s what she wants. If not, then she needs to accept the fact she has gained baby weight and not be so upset about it and embrace it.” – jadeness007
The subReddit could understand how a husband might want to help his wife by being honest, but they also agreed that there’s a time and a place for everything. Though he may have been trying to help, he could have phrased it differently, and he could have waited for his wife to ask for feedback.