Mixing cultures in marriage isn't always easy.
Many traditions and expectations may conflict with what the happy couple wants.
Like the color of the bride's wedding dress.
Finding a way through can take a toll.
Redditor u/ValuableAwareness527 wanted to share her experience and get feedback, so she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for wanting to wear a white wedding dress to a Sikh wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My fiancé (Sikh M[ale]) and I (White F[emale]) just got engaged and are now planning our wedding."
"I’ve always loved his culture and participated in all traditions and celebrations."
"I’ve agreed to do a wedding that’s based on his culture, including being married in their religious temple and wearing the traditional bridal suit."
"Today I asked if I could wear a white bridal dress to our reception/party to include a bit of my culture for my side of the family and me, and was told no."
"His mother is against it as well because it is not tradition."
"I was told if I wanted to do that, I should have planned a separate wedding."
"I’ve seen many couples do ‘fusion’ weddings and thought it would be fine."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I in the wrong here?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I thought you were also getting married and therefore would have some say in the wedding; my bad, I must have misread."
"Because it would be absolutely ridiculous to not have a say in your own wedding." ~ Dazzling-Werewolf171
"That is true."
"But in Indian culture, white is typically reserved for funerals."
"If you’re going to cross-culturally wed, you have to understand the culture a little bit." ~ ddeese
"That may be true, but in Western cultures it is for weddings."
"Why does one culture cancel out the other?"
"She's asking for a reception dress, not a temple one."
"Wearing two dresses, one red, one white, honors both cultures."
"It sounds like one family expects assimilation, not compromise." ~ reliableotter
"NTA - his mom isn’t getting married, you are."
"Wear what you want and let your husband deal with his mother." ~ Hotelroombureau
"NTA. You need to establish boundaries now about whose opinions are more important in your marriage: yours or your M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]'s."
"In many South Asian families, it's not going to be yours."
"Know what you're signing up for now or DO NOT get married." ~ thoracicbunk
"As someone married into a South Asian family, I second this wholeheartedly."
"My spouse was on my side when it came to conflicts, and as a result, his family really isn't part of his life anymore."
"Had he been on their side in conflicts, our marriage would not have survived."
"OP really needs to think about this!" ~ 3kidsnomoney---
"STOP! Huge red flag! NTA!"
"You planned a wedding entirely in his tradition, but he balked because you wanted to wear white to the party."
"This disrespect, dismissing, and diminishing of you won't stop at the wedding."
"Don't get married." ~ Senior-Term-635
"This is exactly what I said too."
"This seems like just one aspect of what is about to become a life of diminishing your own wants to impress your husband/in laws!"
"There will always be signs that someone will be controlling, and this seems like a huge one to me!" ~ thebabyfamous
"She's already asking him permission."
"She didn't tell him she wanted a white dress for the reception; she asked him if she could."
"I have a feeling she's not going to be diminishing her own wants; rather, she's not going to have much of a choice at all."
"I completely agree that this is a sign of him being controlling."
"If wedding planning is a glimpse of what life with this family will be like, OP is in for having every decision made by husband and MIL." ~ Suspicious-Antlers
"Good friends of mine had an all-day fusion wedding."
"Buddhist traditional shin-dig at Bride's parents' house in the morning."
"Christian wedding ceremony in the afternoon."
"Asian whole pig roast in the afternoon."
"And a ginormous Asian reception in the evening."
"My friend must have worn 4 different dresses that day."
"Traditional and Western white."
"A family that's not willing to compromise with you on your wedding will NOT compromise for the rest of your marriage." ~ Lovely_Vista
"Absolutely 100% NTA."
"This is your wedding just as much as his; you wear what you feel beautiful in!"
"If his mother is against this, what else is she against?"
"What other input is she going to have in your relationship???"
"Take a good hard look at your husband and how he treats you vs. his mother, before you go ahead with this." ~ CharieRarie
"NTA at all."
"I think his family is being thick-headed for no reason at all."
"I’m Sikh, and my husband is white."
"For the wedding ceremony, I wore the traditional red, but for the reception I had a white/ivory lehenga made to honor my husband's culture (shout out to Nitika Gujral for the custom make!)."
"Now I didn’t have any issues when it came to my wedding attire, but since we’ve been married and had our son, many, many times I’ve had to talk with my parents and remind them that my marriage isn’t a traditional Sikh/desi marriage, and we find compromises between my husband and me and how we want our life to be."
"Your husband needs to have that convo with his family, but more importantly, he needs to basically stick up for you to his mom."
"Otherwise, if his mother 'wins' this battle now, she will think every battle that will come that she’s gonna assume she’s gonna win and your husband won’t be taking your side (kids, attire, jobs, where you live, etc.)."
"If you want someone to talk to about marrying into an Indian family (or trying to find fusion wedding attire if you chose that route as I did), feel free to message me."
"I’m more than happy to talk. :)" ~ TheeNatorious
"Absolutely not in the wrong here, NTA."
"It's not weird or rude to want your culture represented at your own wedding too."
"Have a discussion with your fiancé about it."
"If he sides with his mom, think twice about marrying him because this dynamic won't change."
"If he is open to your input (he should be; it's your wedding too), that you can work with." ~ snorkelinghedgehog
"Don't marry someone or into a family that thinks you don't have the right to wear what you want at your own wedding."
"You will absolutely regret it." ~ Puzzleheaded-Ad7606
"NTA - Did his mom say the reason?"
"Is it, like, bad luck or something similar?"
"Just curious?"
"Not that it makes any difference." ~ Efficient-Rich-2578
"NTA - I’m Sikh and also getting married."
"This is absurd!!"
"I, as the bride, won’t be wearing red and am modifying traditions."
"You, as the bride, should definitely get to do what you want!!"
"For the temple, it’s understandable why white might not be the most appropriate (depends on the temple), but the reception is separate, and you should be able to wear what you want (I know people wear silver or ivory, which is close to white)."
"If she’s like this now, it’ll get worse with children and festivals."
"Your husband should support you." ~ givemepasta1
"OP, if you don’t get ANY say in your own wedding, do you think you’ll get any say in your married life?"
"Major life decisions?"
"Or does your future MIL get to make all the decisions?"
"NTA, but you need to have a serious conversation with your fiancé about boundaries with his mom and compromise." ~ bokatan778
"Do. Not. Marry. A. Man. Who. Tells. You. What. To. Wear!!!!!!"
"Or who lets his mother tell you what to wear."
"If the answer is 'you should have planned a different wedding,' then yes!"
"You should call this wedding off!"
"Maybe permanently."
"NTA. This is a huge red flag about your relationship." ~ FewRecognition1788
"NTA, it's YOUR wedding; it can be whatever you want it to be."
"Talk to your fiancé about it."
"It seems perfectly reasonable to wear his traditional clothes in his place of worship and then transition to a white wedding dress for the reception."
"If he won't compromise on this, it's a bad sign for the future." ~ Camping_Queen_13
"NTA... It’s your wedding, you get to decide what you’re going to wear."
"A lot of Indian brides don’t wear the traditional red wedding attire."
"You should probably set firm boundaries with the future MIL because brown moms aren’t great with those." ~ PresentMusician1997
"NTA, it's great you are open and welcoming of his culture, but is he the same way towards yours?"
"Marrying a white woman isn't 'tradition' in his culture, but he's doing that." ~ SafetyFluid8535
OP came back to chat...
"For clarification, I am wearing a traditional red bridal gown to the temple for the actual marriage ceremony."
"I only asked to wear a white bridal gown to the reception, but have been told it has to be a Sikh lehenga."
"My apologies!"
"I did not know that wearing white was for mourning/grieving in Sikh culture."
"If I had been told that instead of just a simple NO, I would have understood and chosen a different color."
Well, it sounds like you may have found a solution, OP.
Reddit is with you and very concerned.
Be careful with your MIL.
She sounds controlling.
Good luck and Congratulations!
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.