Redditor Life_Jello_1304 is the mother of two daughters, one of whom is trans.
The Original Poster (OP) got a tattoo of her child’s name before they began their transition. Now she wears her daughter’s deadname on her neck every day in permanent ink.
The OP’s daughter recently asked her mom to get the tattoo removed or covered up so she doesn’t see her deadname every time she looks at her mom.
However, the OP doesn’t see the big deal.
This disagreement drove the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for not a getting tattoo removal procedure to remove my child’s deadname from my body?”
She went on to explain:
“Hi everyone, I’m [36-year-old female]. I have 2 daughters, one of which came out as trans a year ago. Let’s call them Maria [age 17[ and Anna [15, my trans child].”
“I would like to start by saying that when Anna came out, I had no problems so long as her transition didn’t come in the way of school or grades.”
“The problem however, is I have Anna’s ‘deadname’ tattooed on my body. I have had the tattoo since she was a toddler.”
“It’s pretty visible as it’s on my neck, and every time Anna sees it she gets visibly upset.”
“She’s told me she’s looked into tattoo removal surgery and recommended that I get it removed or covered with her new name.”
“While I do have the money for it, I do not think it’s something I want to deal with. After all, it is just a tattoo…”
“…and I don’t think I should have to get it removed to show my love and dedication for this new identity.”
“Anna, however, has accused me of not taking her seriously and that if I truly loved or cared, I’d get it removed.”
“I do understand getting the tattoo removed or covered would show dedication, but I truly do not see it as necessary. I think she’s being absolutely ridiculous pushing the issue.”
“I’m an adult, after all, and can make decisions about my own body, just as she can. This issue has put a strain on our relationship, and now she barely looks at me these days.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“Listen…not going to comment on if you’re an AH or not, but is this really the hill you want to die on?”
“That being said, DO NOT tattoo their new name on your neck. This is a stupid idea. They are 15, and I can almost guarantee they will change their name multiple times before settling on one.”
“If you are going to cover it up, cover it up with something else entirely. Their birth month flower, perhaps?” – N7OperativeIvy
“NAH because it’s your body, you can do what you want with it, but you also can’t stop your daughter from seeing your choice as a sign that you don’t accept her deep down.”
“This IS going to affect your relationship with her whether you like it or not.”
“Her deadname upsets her, she can’t see you without being confronted with it, and you’re all surprise-face that she doesn’t want to look at you?”
“Bluntly, you have a choice. What do you value more – your money/tattoo or your relationship with your daughter?”
“You have a right to make that choice in either direction, but you need to be able to accept the consequences for it.” – Trilobyte141
“It seems like the majority in this comment section don’t realize that tattoo removal is usually way more painful than the actual tattoo…”
“…needs to be done more than once and can leave an ugly mark/scar. Just cause OP has the funds doesn’t make this an easy solution.”
“I think covering the tattoo (not necessarily permanently, with makeup or temporary tattoo, for example) would be a good idea to show your daughter…”
“…you do respect her transition and are on her side.” – Bettersoon27
“I had my child’s deadname on my wrist. I honored their transition by having it covered with something that meant a lot to both of us.”
“Re-edited to change judgment: for me, this is YTA because I just reread and saw that you view the request as ridiculous.”
“It can be traumatizing to someone to have to see their deadname constantly. And yours is in such a visible place your own kid can’t look at you.”
“As a mother, that would make my mind up for me right then and there.”
“My son didn’t even ASK us to cover our tattoos. We just did it to show that we honor who he is now.” – Peanut0901
“I would say YTA bcs this is what I hear reading this post.”
“‘My tattoo makes my child visibly upset. I can do it without issue, but I just don’t feel like it. I’ll choose to let her suffer instead.'”
“So yeah… you can make whatever decisions about your own body you want. Your decisions also affect others, in this case on your kid.”
“Ever think she may want to see you less for this? Or do you even truly care since her happiness isn’t even worth getting it covered/removed to you.” – jayphrax
“YTA”
“Not necessarily for not wanting to go through the removal. Your body, your choice.”
“But for describing the request as ‘absolutely ridiculous,’ for putting ‘deadname’ in quote marks, and for expecting your daughter to be okay…”
“…with seeing her deadname displayed prominently on your body.”
“And before all that, for expecting zero effect on your daughter’s schooling or grades while she goes through the experience of being trans and coming out in a largely transphobic society.”
“You seem dismissive of her experiences. In fact, you seem to be treating this as a phase she’s going through…”
“…and the tattoo is possibly exacerbating that message for Anna.” – embopbopbopdoowop
“NAH: As a trans person with a trans child, yes, it’s your body and your choice. I can’t call you an a**hole for that.”
“But it will upset Anna, and it will strain your relationship with her. She’s made that clear, and she’s not wrong for that, either.”
“Deadnames can cause a lot of hurt even if people don’t quite understand it.”
“So the choice is yours! You can make the decision and you won’t be an a**hole for it but you do have to acknowledge how your daughter will feel about it.” – loyalcrowlist
“You allowed your daughter to transition as long as it didn’t interfere with her grades? Wow. How generous of you.”
“It’s kind of funny for you to pull out the Bodily Autonomy card after you already made it clear that your children only have limited autonomy as far as you’re concerned.”
“Should we see how well you do on the SATs before we decide if you can keep your tattoo?? You need to keep your grades up, after all, and set a good example.”
“Cover your tattoo up and stop making your child see her deadname every time she looks at you…”
“or don’t complain when she goes no contact with you so she doesn’t have to see her deadname anymore.”
“YTA, by the way, but I suspect you already knew that. There is no way you are a supportive parent in this while you’re calling your daughter dismissive names (‘absolutely ridiculous’)…”
“…for not wanting to be reminded of her deadname constantly.”
“Would you want a loved one wearing a tattoo of your sh*tty ex? Your abusive father? Your childhood bully?”
“A deadname has trauma associated with it that you cannot comprehend. And you’re unwilling to even try.”
“ETA: You don’t seem to be getting this, but I’ll try again: you saddled your child with that deadname which was then used to hurt her for 14 years…”
“…(and ongoing, because I assume you haven’t been able to change it legally yet). You didn’t mean to hurt your daughter, I get it…”
“…but intentions aren’t a magical shield that prevents harm from happening. The least you can do is help your child change her name everywhere.”
“Or buy cover-up makeup. Or embrace cute scarves. That is the bare minimum for support here.” – erinjeffreys
“NAH: This is a minefield. You got the tattoo for a reason, but they also transitioned for a reason.”
“I think it’s perfectly reasonable for your daughter to want it gone, and I also think people shouldn’t be forced to change what they have done to their own bodies if they want to keep it that way.”
“However, what I would say is that your defense of the tattoo doesn’t seem like it has a lot of investment in it – ‘it’s just a tattoo’ versus it hurting your daughter.”
“If I were in your shoes, it would personally feel like a no-brainer to me to have it removed or covered as long as I had the means to do so (which you say you do).”
“I don’t see why you would want to keep it so much from the content of your post.” – MarkMachinist
Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you’re right.
What would you do in this situation? Let us know in the comments below.