Redditor Life_Jello_1304 is the mother of two daughters, one of whom is trans.
The Original Poster (OP) got a tattoo of her child's name before they began their transition. Now she wears her daughter's deadname on her neck every day in permanent ink.
The OP's daughter recently asked her mom to get the tattoo removed or covered up so she doesn't see her deadname every time she looks at her mom.
However, the OP doesn't see the big deal.
This disagreement drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for not a getting tattoo removal procedure to remove my child's deadname from my body?"
She went on to explain:
"Hi everyone, I'm [36-year-old female]. I have 2 daughters, one of which came out as trans a year ago. Let's call them Maria [age 17[ and Anna [15, my trans child]."
"I would like to start by saying that when Anna came out, I had no problems so long as her transition didn't come in the way of school or grades."
"The problem however, is I have Anna's 'deadname' tattooed on my body. I have had the tattoo since she was a toddler."
"It's pretty visible as it's on my neck, and every time Anna sees it she gets visibly upset."
"She's told me she's looked into tattoo removal surgery and recommended that I get it removed or covered with her new name."
"While I do have the money for it, I do not think it's something I want to deal with. After all, it is just a tattoo..."
"...and I don't think I should have to get it removed to show my love and dedication for this new identity."
"Anna, however, has accused me of not taking her seriously and that if I truly loved or cared, I'd get it removed."
"I do understand getting the tattoo removed or covered would show dedication, but I truly do not see it as necessary. I think she's being absolutely ridiculous pushing the issue."
"I'm an adult, after all, and can make decisions about my own body, just as she can. This issue has put a strain on our relationship, and now she barely looks at me these days."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"Listen...not going to comment on if you're an AH or not, but is this really the hill you want to die on?"
"That being said, DO NOT tattoo their new name on your neck. This is a stupid idea. They are 15, and I can almost guarantee they will change their name multiple times before settling on one."
"If you are going to cover it up, cover it up with something else entirely. Their birth month flower, perhaps?" - N7OperativeIvy
"NAH because it's your body, you can do what you want with it, but you also can't stop your daughter from seeing your choice as a sign that you don't accept her deep down."
"This IS going to affect your relationship with her whether you like it or not."
"Her deadname upsets her, she can't see you without being confronted with it, and you're all surprise-face that she doesn't want to look at you?"
"Bluntly, you have a choice. What do you value more - your money/tattoo or your relationship with your daughter?"
"You have a right to make that choice in either direction, but you need to be able to accept the consequences for it." - Trilobyte141
"It seems like the majority in this comment section don't realize that tattoo removal is usually way more painful than the actual tattoo..."
"...needs to be done more than once and can leave an ugly mark/scar. Just cause OP has the funds doesn't make this an easy solution."
"I think covering the tattoo (not necessarily permanently, with makeup or temporary tattoo, for example) would be a good idea to show your daughter..."
"...you do respect her transition and are on her side." - Bettersoon27
"I had my child's deadname on my wrist. I honored their transition by having it covered with something that meant a lot to both of us."
"Re-edited to change judgment: for me, this is YTA because I just reread and saw that you view the request as ridiculous."
"It can be traumatizing to someone to have to see their deadname constantly. And yours is in such a visible place your own kid can't look at you."
"As a mother, that would make my mind up for me right then and there."
"My son didn't even ASK us to cover our tattoos. We just did it to show that we honor who he is now." - Peanut0901
"I would say YTA bcs this is what I hear reading this post."
"'My tattoo makes my child visibly upset. I can do it without issue, but I just don't feel like it. I'll choose to let her suffer instead.'"
"So yeah… you can make whatever decisions about your own body you want. Your decisions also affect others, in this case on your kid."
"Ever think she may want to see you less for this? Or do you even truly care since her happiness isn't even worth getting it covered/removed to you." - jayphrax
"YTA"
"Not necessarily for not wanting to go through the removal. Your body, your choice."
"But for describing the request as 'absolutely ridiculous,' for putting 'deadname' in quote marks, and for expecting your daughter to be okay..."
"...with seeing her deadname displayed prominently on your body."
"And before all that, for expecting zero effect on your daughter's schooling or grades while she goes through the experience of being trans and coming out in a largely transphobic society."
"You seem dismissive of her experiences. In fact, you seem to be treating this as a phase she's going through..."
"...and the tattoo is possibly exacerbating that message for Anna." - embopbopbopdoowop
"NAH: As a trans person with a trans child, yes, it's your body and your choice. I can't call you an a**hole for that."
"But it will upset Anna, and it will strain your relationship with her. She's made that clear, and she's not wrong for that, either."
"Deadnames can cause a lot of hurt even if people don't quite understand it."
"So the choice is yours! You can make the decision and you won't be an a**hole for it but you do have to acknowledge how your daughter will feel about it." - loyalcrowlist
"You allowed your daughter to transition as long as it didn't interfere with her grades? Wow. How generous of you."
"It's kind of funny for you to pull out the Bodily Autonomy card after you already made it clear that your children only have limited autonomy as far as you're concerned."
"Should we see how well you do on the SATs before we decide if you can keep your tattoo?? You need to keep your grades up, after all, and set a good example."
"Cover your tattoo up and stop making your child see her deadname every time she looks at you..."
"or don't complain when she goes no contact with you so she doesn't have to see her deadname anymore."
"YTA, by the way, but I suspect you already knew that. There is no way you are a supportive parent in this while you're calling your daughter dismissive names ('absolutely ridiculous')..."
"...for not wanting to be reminded of her deadname constantly."
"Would you want a loved one wearing a tattoo of your sh*tty ex? Your abusive father? Your childhood bully?"
"A deadname has trauma associated with it that you cannot comprehend. And you're unwilling to even try."
"ETA: You don't seem to be getting this, but I'll try again: you saddled your child with that deadname which was then used to hurt her for 14 years..."
"...(and ongoing, because I assume you haven't been able to change it legally yet). You didn't mean to hurt your daughter, I get it..."
"...but intentions aren't a magical shield that prevents harm from happening. The least you can do is help your child change her name everywhere."
"Or buy cover-up makeup. Or embrace cute scarves. That is the bare minimum for support here." - erinjeffreys
"NAH: This is a minefield. You got the tattoo for a reason, but they also transitioned for a reason."
"I think it's perfectly reasonable for your daughter to want it gone, and I also think people shouldn't be forced to change what they have done to their own bodies if they want to keep it that way."
"However, what I would say is that your defense of the tattoo doesn't seem like it has a lot of investment in it - 'it's just a tattoo' versus it hurting your daughter."
"If I were in your shoes, it would personally feel like a no-brainer to me to have it removed or covered as long as I had the means to do so (which you say you do)."
"I don't see why you would want to keep it so much from the content of your post." - MarkMachinist
Just because you're right doesn't mean you're right.
What would you do in this situation? Let us know in the comments below.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.