Having boundaries with close family can be essential when raising children.
Yes, grandparents can be very helpful and wonderful, but they can also be a menace.
When babies are asleep, parents try to sleep.
So, when peace is at risk, boundaries are put in place.
This doesn’t always go over well…
Redditor GingerKenobi wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for turning away my partner’s grandparents when they showed up unannounced?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My partner and I had twins in February.”
“We’re currently living in her parents’ neighboring house because they acquired it after the neighbor passed away, and we’re renting/renovating it with them.”
“We have set clear boundaries that we don’t want surprise visitors, and we would like it if they only came over once or twice a week so we can have some privacy.”
“Today, my partner’s dad texted her while she was trying to nap, letting her know that her grandmother (his mother) had shown up at their house unannounced.”
“We appreciated the heads-up, and she continued with trying to rest, as the twins were finally fed, changed, and no longer being fussy.”
“About 10-15 minutes later, her phone starts ringing, and I see it’s her dad.”
“I answered, and he let me know her grandma and grandpa were walking over.”
“I told him I would turn them away, as everyone was finally sleeping, and it wasn’t a good time.”
“He said, ‘You shouldn’t do that because it will start a fight.'”
“I said, ‘Oh well, it’s not a good time.'”
“Her grandparents rang the doorbell twice during that phone call, almost back to back, waking her and one of the boys up.”
“I told her to just keep sleeping, I’ll deal with it.”
“I answered the door, and her grandma could tell I was exhausted because she asked if we were sleeping.”
“I said, ‘Yes, we all are.'”
“She said, ‘Too bad,’ and tried stepping towards the door.”
“I pulled it shut a little more so it was barely open enough for me, and told her ‘No. It’s not a good time. They haven’t been sleeping well, and I don’t want them waking up since they’re finally asleep.'”
“She pretended she was ok with it and parted ways.”
“A few minutes later, my partner called her dad with the boys screaming in the background, telling him we turned them away.”
“He did what he usually does when he’s mad, and kept giving short, one or two word replies.”
“Then, after she was done talking, he blew up, talking about how he’s going to have to deal with her grandma being pissed off now, and saying something like ‘I might as well f**king broadcast your damn rules to everyone to not show up unless they call ahead!'”
“Along with some other stuff I didn’t catch, as I was in the other room.”
“She started crying, said bye while he was still yelling, and hung up.”
“Now I feel like I shouldn’t have told her grandparents to come back another day, because her dad apparently can’t deal with his mother’s (or his own) emotions, and it would’ve been easier to just deal with them coming in and disturbing the peace that we had just managed to establish.”
“Should I have just dealt with them coming in for a little while?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, AITA for turning them away?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Well, you know where F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] learned his behavior, just like his mom.”
“Send out a broadcast to all family, we are dealing with newborn twins.”
“Visitation is by advance notice only.”
“Anyone who arrives without requesting a visit will be turned away at the door.”
“Depending on your mood, you can add something about time out for drop-in guests.”
“Add dealing with twins is difficult and exhausting as a family our children needs come first.”
“Optional, and we don’t have the bandwidth to deal with people who cause issues for us because they couldn’t text about a possible visit.”
“Let FIL pout and disconnect your doorbell (we did this) and put up a sign saying, ‘Babies are sleeping, DO NOT KNOCK!”
“NTA… congratulations and invite over relatives/friends that will cook, clean and help with laundry, it’s wonderful as a parent you enjoy sharing your children either helpful people and it pisses off more toxic relatives.” ~ Slightlysanemomof5
“This. Disconnect the doorbell, put a sign on your door, and use a white noise machine while babies/parents are resting.”
“NTA, not even a little bit.” ~ UnbutteredToast42
“This. Hell, my oldest niece had her daughter a little over a year ago, and even though I know she won’t mind me visiting – whether her mum (my sister) is looking after the baby while she works or she’s the one at home – I’d never stop by unannounced.”
“I’d send my niece a message or ring my sister to see if it was a good time to visit.”
“As it is, I’ve told my niece I’d gladly look after her daughter if her mum can’t make it for the simple reason it means I can get help off my youngest niece to annoy my dad – something both me and my niece can joke about.”
“OP is definitely NTA.” ~ tracey-ann12
“My sister had 2 under 2, and she disconnected her doorbell precisely so that she and the babies could sleep.”
“If we were scheduled to come over (we helped with chores and babysitting), we had clear directions on how to let ourselves in and come in quietly.”
“If the kids woke up before she did, we would bring them downstairs and entertain them quietly so she could continue her nap.”
“We never had the audacity to show up unexpectedly or call/text her repeatedly while she was sleeping.”
“It’s wild that this needs to be spelled out to other adults.” ~ vesper_tine
“NTA. Maybe you should go over there one day at 3 am and ring the doorbell.”
“If they complain, well, they should have broadcast that rule to everyone.” ~ ailweni
“NTA. People should call ahead and see whether it is a good time for a visit, not just provide a heads up and presume permission to visit.”
“The more respectful that the parents and grandparents are now, the more inclined you might be to cut them some slack later on, but if they start off being rude, they won’t get that grace.” ~ No_Philosopher_1870
“Right, especially with young babies, who clearly aren’t getting enough sleep, so much that everyone knows it! I’d be right pissed if someone woke up sleeping babies regardless of circumstances because naps are sacred!!” ~ ranselita
“NTA. You have reasonable rules.”
“They should be broadcast.”
“If you don’t enforce the rules, they’re not rules.”
“Don’t make an exception for grandma, or she’ll always expect to be an exception.” ~ extinct_diplodocus
“And the way the grandmother said ‘too bad’ and preceded to try to walk in?”
“Nope! NTA.” ~ Embarrassed_dancer
“NTA. The correct answer to, ‘I might as well broadcast your damn rules to everyone to not show up unless they call ahead!’ is an even louder, ‘Yes, please do! Thank you for understanding!'”
“You’re a parent now, and you’re going to run into other people who will try to see if you can’t be stopped from doing what’s best for your spouse and children by calling you a meanypants or variations thereon.”
“The way to handle it is to embrace it, and then some.”
“Oh, you’re supposedly super controlling about making visitors call ahead and get permission?”
“Smile and nod emphatically and say, ‘Yes! I am the kind of person who puts my family’s rest and health first! Nothing will ever be more important to me than that.'”
“Just keep doubling down and thanking them for understanding while you keep acting as an impenetrable wall protecting your family.”
“Great job so far; you’ve got this.” ~ HelenGonne
“Visitation should only be granted when the visitors have asked permission and been told yes, not simply notifying they are coming.”
“You are NTA.”
‘Hate to say it, but Grandma is.” ~ buckeye-person
“Yeah, it was basic manners that you don’t just drop in.”
‘I wouldn’t do that to my best friend at 18/19.”
“She might not feel good, want to take a nap, or just more commonly 15 min to tidy up the place.”
“Then I moved to the South, where ‘drop in’ is more common here.”
“We actually had to tell people to call first.” ~ Objective_Attempt_14
“You were right to set and enforce your boundaries.”
“You’re dealing with boundary stompers, so it will get worse before it gets better, unfortunately.”
“Learning how not to cave when someone throws a tantrum will hold you in good stead with your twins. NTA.” ~ StyraxCarillon
“Thank you for defending your wife and your family’s boundaries.”
“Thank you for putting the well-being of your family first.”
“NTA. Thank you, and stay strong.” ~ Tricky-Fig4772
“NTA, but you’re going to be dealing with this for as long as you live there if you don’t nip this in the bud.” ~ Zeta8345
“NTA. You were trying to ensure your partner and kids got enough rest.”
“Your partner’s family are being jerks.”
“Who drops in on parents and newborns on such short notice?”
“So inconsiderate.”
“Also, when you told them it was a bad time, her family members got mad.”
“They’re all being selfish.”
“Yelling and carrying on and only thinking of themselves.”
“You did nothing wrong, and you/your wife need to hold firm to your boundaries.”
“Her parent’s feelings shouldn’t be your main priority right now.”
“The health of your spouse & babies is the most important thing right now.” ~ SaturdaysaremyFav2
“NTA. You NEVER interrupt sleep time. Ever.”
“If mom is able to sleep, you let her sleep.”
“It is honestly even harder to do with two babies.”
“How. Dare. They.”
“Imagine being upset you don’t get to ruin your granddaughter getting sleep for the first time in who knows how long, and also disturbing not one, but two newborns’ naps.”
“The actual audacity.” ~ Intelligent_Motor_36
“NTA. You have twin newborns.”
“Just having one newborn is exhausting, much less 2.”
“Obviously, the FIL knew how you guys were and still chose to let it happen.”
“So I would ignore him.”
“Your family comes first, and that is all you were making of when you turned the grandma away.” ~ zabne123
“NTA. You made your boundaries clear, and you were protecting the peace of your family.”
“I recommend disconnecting the doorbell and hanging a sign on the door that anyone who wakes the babies automatically agrees to soothe them back to sleep while you and your partner rest.” ~ NalaIDGAF20
“NTA. I will never understand just showing up at someone’s house unannounced because I despise it when people do it to me.”
“I find it super disrespectful.”
“You never know what someone is doing in their own home.”
“And then to just try to barge in when you already told it wasn’t a good time.”
“The audacity of something people is just infuriating.” ~ jrpr1983
“NTA. Visitors without an invite are the rude AHs, elderly relatives or not.”
“One would have thought that Grandmother had better manners and know proper etiquette already, ie, not attempt to barge in on sleeping babies and the new parents like an unsupervised toddler.” ~ classielassie
“NTA, the ‘too bad’ cements it for me.”
“She wasn’t there to help tidy or take away a load of laundry, she wasn’t there for support in the way most families are.”
“She showed up on her own terms to get her time with the babies regardless of the babies or anyone else’s needs.”
“You were protecting your peace, and FIL should be proud of you instead of upset that he’s got to deal with his issues with confrontation.” ~ witchy*itchy10
“NTA. Nope, not at all! You are the supportive partner that many folks on Reddit WISH they had.”
“Good for you for standing by BOTH your boundaries! Keep on looking after your partner and baby, you’re doing AWESOME!” ~ Delicious_Winner_819
“NTA. Who on earth would try to badger their way into your home after hearing that you are all sleeping and saying ‘too bad’?!?”
“The unbelievable height of rudeness.”
“Does not need any entertaining or condoning.” ~ dart1126
“NTA. Good for you for standing up for your family.”
“Maybe living next door isn’t the best idea?” ~ gcot802
OP responded…
“I expressed my concern about this exact thing before moving here, but it is ultimately the best idea for us in the long run.”
“As soon as we move out, we will get a cut of the rent from future renters as payment for assisting with renovations.”
“I figured we could handle the situations as they arose, but I didn’t anticipate her dad berating her over it to the point where she had to hang up and cry for 20 minutes.”
“We’re looking at other places already.”
This is a ridiculous situation, OP.
Your partner’s family is completely out of line.
You were protecting the welfare of your family, and Reddit is with you.
It sounds like you have a firm plan in place.
Don’t let them disrespect you.
Congrats on the babies!!!