Learning their parents are getting a divorce is just about the worst news any child can get.
Beyond the fact that their parents will no longer cohabitate with their family, their lives will undergo numerous changes.
Including some positive new things that have the potential to make them much happier.
As well as the need to say goodbye to some things about their lives that they will miss terribly.
Redditor free_username91 and their husband made the difficult decision to get a divorce.
One of the original poster (OP)'s soon-to-be ex-husband's conditions of this divorce was that their children needed to stop one particular hobby that they all truly loved doing.
While the OP grudgingly agreed to this condition, they put their foot down that their soon-to-be ex-husband needed to be the one who told them why.
Wondering if this was an unreasonable demand, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for sending my kids to their dad instead of implement his decisions myself?"
The OP explained why they held their husband accountable in the eyes of their children:
"My husband and I are recently separated and heading for a divorce."
"We have three children, 2 together and one that he brought into the marriage and they are all mostly staying with me."
"Our kids and I have all been going for MMA classes once a week for about a year before the separation and I think it was great."
"We were having fun, it was great bonding, great exercise and especially for me and the girls a great way to increase our confidence."
"As part of our separation agreement, dad insisted that the kids stop MMA, because it's 'too aggressive' and he doesn't want them to 'turn out like' me."
"I agreed to stop taking them, because there were surely bigger things at stake and I didn't feel like that should be my hill to die on."
"I tried to gently explain to the kids that we are not going to do MMA anymore and to pick a different activity."
"Still, I didn't really know how to explain why, without blaming their dad or without claiming something I absolutely don't believe and can't defend (MMA will make them aggressive), sooo I send them to dad whenever they ask."
"And most especially our middle child on the spectrum asks about it a lot (she asks to go every single week and usually cries when I say no)."
"Now my husband is mad at me that I keep sending the kids to him whenever they ask about going for MMA again or about why we stopped instead of just implementing 'our decision'."
"I'm not badmouthing him or anything."
"Just when a kid asks to go I tell them 'ooh let's ask daddy about it'."
"'Let's call him right now'."
"Or something along those lines."
"Am I the a**hole here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community largely agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for making their soon-to-be ex-husband explain why their children have to stop taking MMA classes.
Everyone agreed that the OP's demand was unfair and would likely have far worse repercussions on their children's lives than stopping the classes would, even if some felt that the OP should have put up a bigger fight and should have made it their "hill to die on".
"NTA, not at all."
"You agreed coz it wasn't a hill to die on in the big picture, but why should you have to defend an absurdity you don't really support?"
"It's a brilliant way to give him the finger: have him deal with the situation he caused."
"I can see why he gets mad but frankly, if he really believes in this decision, he should have no issues explaining it to your kids."- Cold_Light_299792458
"NTA, for sending kids to dads so he can explain his stupid idiotic logic."
"YTA, for enabling and agreeing with stupid idiotic logic by following it."
"You should have told him to go F himself and kept doing the MMA classes with your kids."- HarveySnake
"NTA."
"It was not 'our' decision it was his decision."
"You just chose to pick your battles and that one wasn't it."
"He's got his knickers in a knot because he expected you to be the bad guy when the kids got upset and we're asking questions why they could no longer go to MMA, and instead you are forcing him to step up and take his own accountability for his decisions and making him actually do the dirty work for a change."- FortuneWhereThoutBe
"NTA."
"And amend the separation agreement."
"It's clearly negatively affecting the kids and the whole point of separation is to keep the kids away from toxic things that don't affect them."- Jmfroggie
"NTA."
"But this won't work if the kids don't see it as your ex's decision."
"You have to either tell them the truth about him being a controlling a**hole or take the blame yourself (which would be stupid)."- NOSE_DOG
"NTA."
"But you need to be straight with them and just say unfortunately your dad no longer wants you to do MMA so you will have to leave it with him."
"But honestly why can't you take your children to an activity they enjoy with you on your time."- hannahsangel
"NTA."
"The answer is 'your dad made the decision' he is letting his personal feelings get in the way of his kids."
"Also is this a legal separations agreement because here in the UK social services would want to have a word of two with the dad about that."- Mysto-Max
"NTA."
"Your are not badmouthing."
"You are telling the truth."
"They can't go because their father doesn't want too."- SuperMommy37
"NTA."
"You provided the dad the opportunity to communicate with his children.'
"That's wonderful!"- sadist_x
"You don't want to lie to your children or alternate then from their father."
"That's valid."
"You don't know how to answer their question without doing one of those things."
"I don't either."
"He obviously didn't think it through when he added that condition."
"I think it's fine for him to deal with it."
"NTA."
"I'm no lawyer, but once your divorce is finalized, agreements like that are basically unenforceable (he can bring you before a judge, and a judge may tell you not to do it, but there won't be any consequences / disincentives)."
"At least, that's my experience with a divorce agreement forbidding bringing a 5 year old to AA meetings."- BigBayesian
"This is exactly what you should be doing."
"He is intentionally trying to stop something that is a great bonding experience between you and your children."
"He should be the one who explains why to them."
"NTA."- archangel7134
"You need your lawyer on this, as MMA is good for self-defense, and that's important these days."
"There's something I'm a bit concerned about."
"You have 3 children with you, yet only 2 of them are yours."
"Why?"
"Why is the one child not yours still with you?"
"You're a saint for it."
"NTA."- vbligh
"NTA."
"He wants it, then he can explain it to them."- MmaRamotsweOS
"NTA."
"I might have another discussion with the dad if this is HIS hill to die on if the kids do really love it."
"You could check in with them to make sure it's the activity they like and not spending the time with you ( maybe there's another activity they'd prefer to do if you're still involved), but if they really love it and you're following his decision, it's up to him to explain to them why he thinks it's such a problem."- Glittering_Try_2434
"NTA."
"I can see why you're separated from this man."
"Let him explain to his children why he is so adamant they not be allowed to participate in a hobby that they enjoy and gives other positive benefits."
"His comment about not wanting them to turn out like you is also way out of pocket and massively offensive."- HammerOn57
There were a few, however, who had trouble sympathizing with the OP for giving up quite as easily as she did:
"ESH because you, should be fighting for your kids."
"Your husband is being controlling and you're letting him have that power over your lives."
"It will start will MMA, but it won't stop there."
"Soon, he'll be controlling who you're dating, how you're parenting, what you're doing in your free time."
"Put a stop to it immediately, send your kids back to their MMA practice."- Labelloenchanted
The one thing all children need more than anything else is consistency.
Particularly children whose parents are going through a divorce.
Had the OP's soon-to-be ex-husband considered this before making his demand, he wouldn't have found himself in this position.
Even if the OP could have put up more of a fight themself.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp