Learning their parents are getting a divorce is just about the worst news any child can get.
Beyond the fact that their parents will no longer cohabitate with their family, their lives will undergo numerous changes.
Including some positive new things that have the potential to make them much happier.
As well as the need to say goodbye to some things about their lives that they will miss terribly.
Redditor free_username91 and their husband made the difficult decision to get a divorce.
One of the original poster (OP)’s soon-to-be ex-husband’s conditions of this divorce was that their children needed to stop one particular hobby that they all truly loved doing.
While the OP grudgingly agreed to this condition, they put their foot down that their soon-to-be ex-husband needed to be the one who told them why.
Wondering if this was an unreasonable demand, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for sending my kids to their dad instead of implement his decisions myself?”
The OP explained why they held their husband accountable in the eyes of their children:
“My husband and I are recently separated and heading for a divorce.”
“We have three children, 2 together and one that he brought into the marriage and they are all mostly staying with me.”
“Our kids and I have all been going for MMA classes once a week for about a year before the separation and I think it was great.”
“We were having fun, it was great bonding, great exercise and especially for me and the girls a great way to increase our confidence.”
“As part of our separation agreement, dad insisted that the kids stop MMA, because it’s ‘too aggressive’ and he doesn’t want them to ‘turn out like’ me.”
“I agreed to stop taking them, because there were surely bigger things at stake and I didn’t feel like that should be my hill to die on.”
“I tried to gently explain to the kids that we are not going to do MMA anymore and to pick a different activity.”
“Still, I didn’t really know how to explain why, without blaming their dad or without claiming something I absolutely don’t believe and can’t defend (MMA will make them aggressive), sooo I send them to dad whenever they ask.”
“And most especially our middle child on the spectrum asks about it a lot (she asks to go every single week and usually cries when I say no).”
“Now my husband is mad at me that I keep sending the kids to him whenever they ask about going for MMA again or about why we stopped instead of just implementing ‘our decision’.”
“I’m not badmouthing him or anything.”
“Just when a kid asks to go I tell them ‘ooh let’s ask daddy about it’.”
“‘Let’s call him right now’.”
“Or something along those lines.”
“Am I the a**hole here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community largely agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for making their soon-to-be ex-husband explain why their children have to stop taking MMA classes.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s demand was unfair and would likely have far worse repercussions on their children’s lives than stopping the classes would, even if some felt that the OP should have put up a bigger fight and should have made it their “hill to die on”.
“NTA, not at all.”
“You agreed coz it wasn’t a hill to die on in the big picture, but why should you have to defend an absurdity you don’t really support?”
“It’s a brilliant way to give him the finger: have him deal with the situation he caused.”
“I can see why he gets mad but frankly, if he really believes in this decision, he should have no issues explaining it to your kids.”- Cold_Light_299792458
“NTA, for sending kids to dads so he can explain his stupid idiotic logic.”
“YTA, for enabling and agreeing with stupid idiotic logic by following it.”
“You should have told him to go F himself and kept doing the MMA classes with your kids.”- HarveySnake
“NTA.”
“It was not ‘our’ decision it was his decision.”
“You just chose to pick your battles and that one wasn’t it.”
“He’s got his knickers in a knot because he expected you to be the bad guy when the kids got upset and we’re asking questions why they could no longer go to MMA, and instead you are forcing him to step up and take his own accountability for his decisions and making him actually do the dirty work for a change.”- FortuneWhereThoutBe
“NTA.”
“And amend the separation agreement.”
“It’s clearly negatively affecting the kids and the whole point of separation is to keep the kids away from toxic things that don’t affect them.”- Jmfroggie
“NTA.”
“But this won’t work if the kids don’t see it as your ex’s decision.”
“You have to either tell them the truth about him being a controlling a**hole or take the blame yourself (which would be stupid).”- NOSE_DOG
“NTA.”
“But you need to be straight with them and just say unfortunately your dad no longer wants you to do MMA so you will have to leave it with him.”
“But honestly why can’t you take your children to an activity they enjoy with you on your time.”- hannahsangel
“NTA.”
“The answer is ‘your dad made the decision’ he is letting his personal feelings get in the way of his kids.”
“Also is this a legal separations agreement because here in the UK social services would want to have a word of two with the dad about that.”- Mysto-Max
“NTA.”
“Your are not badmouthing.”
“You are telling the truth.”
“They can’t go because their father doesn’t want too.”- SuperMommy37
“NTA.”
“You provided the dad the opportunity to communicate with his children.’
“That’s wonderful!”- sadist_x
“You don’t want to lie to your children or alternate then from their father.”
“That’s valid.”
“You don’t know how to answer their question without doing one of those things.”
“I don’t either.”
“He obviously didn’t think it through when he added that condition.”
“I think it’s fine for him to deal with it.”
“NTA.”
“I’m no lawyer, but once your divorce is finalized, agreements like that are basically unenforceable (he can bring you before a judge, and a judge may tell you not to do it, but there won’t be any consequences / disincentives).”
“At least, that’s my experience with a divorce agreement forbidding bringing a 5 year old to AA meetings.”- BigBayesian
“This is exactly what you should be doing.”
“He is intentionally trying to stop something that is a great bonding experience between you and your children.”
“He should be the one who explains why to them.”
“NTA.”- archangel7134
“You need your lawyer on this, as MMA is good for self-defense, and that’s important these days.”
“There’s something I’m a bit concerned about.”
“You have 3 children with you, yet only 2 of them are yours.”
“Why?”
“Why is the one child not yours still with you?”
“You’re a saint for it.”
“NTA.”- vbligh
“NTA.”
“He wants it, then he can explain it to them.”- MmaRamotsweOS
“NTA.”
“I might have another discussion with the dad if this is HIS hill to die on if the kids do really love it.”
“You could check in with them to make sure it’s the activity they like and not spending the time with you ( maybe there’s another activity they’d prefer to do if you’re still involved), but if they really love it and you’re following his decision, it’s up to him to explain to them why he thinks it’s such a problem.”- Glittering_Try_2434
“NTA.”
“I can see why you’re separated from this man.”
“Let him explain to his children why he is so adamant they not be allowed to participate in a hobby that they enjoy and gives other positive benefits.”
“His comment about not wanting them to turn out like you is also way out of pocket and massively offensive.”- HammerOn57
There were a few, however, who had trouble sympathizing with the OP for giving up quite as easily as she did:
“ESH because you, should be fighting for your kids.”
“Your husband is being controlling and you’re letting him have that power over your lives.”
“It will start will MMA, but it won’t stop there.”
“Soon, he’ll be controlling who you’re dating, how you’re parenting, what you’re doing in your free time.”
“Put a stop to it immediately, send your kids back to their MMA practice.”- Labelloenchanted
The one thing all children need more than anything else is consistency.
Particularly children whose parents are going through a divorce.
Had the OP’s soon-to-be ex-husband considered this before making his demand, he wouldn’t have found himself in this position.
Even if the OP could have put up more of a fight themself.