Being a caring and concerned partner in a relationship is a very important attribute.
Everybody wants to be cared for, but for some people, that care can feel a lot like smothering.
Being independent in a relationship is also very important.
When independence is impeded, some people don’t respond well.
Redditor Damaged_Observation wanted to discuss his experience and get feedback, so he naturally joined the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for forbidding my girlfriend from doing household chores?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“A few years ago, while putting together furniture, my (26 M[ale]) G[irl]F[riend] (27 F[emale]) injured her wrists from using the screwdriver.”
“We ended up getting her some wrist braces until the pain went away.”
“We eventually checked with a doctor who said it was no big deal.”
“Since then, I’ve slowly forbidden her from doing chores around the house.”
“I noticed that doing these chores (sweeping, scrubbing, cleaning dishes, etc) would consistently agitate her wrists, and she wouldn’t be able to work on her actual job (small handmade crafts that require a lot of wrist usage).”
“I kept seeing the pattern of her straining her wrist on chores > bailing out on her job after an hour or two, and having to wear her wrist brace until the next day.”
“She does love her job and when things go well can happily work up to 6 hours a day on her crafts, so since I can’t do her job for her I want her to be able to focus on it.”
“I have no problem doing these chores, but today, I caught her scrubbing a pan when I had just reminded her yesterday to leave them alone and told her to call me if I’d missed one (and I would have hustled over to do it).”
“She told me I’m being overbearing and that she’s fine to scrub a pan, but I don’t want her getting injured or developing worse long-term damage.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for insisting on doing the household chores?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the a**hole.
“YTA because, regardless of your concern for your GF’s health, you have exactly zero right to dictate what she can and can not do.”
“That is controlling behavior disguised as concern.”
“It’s even more of a concern if you are dictating to her that she is not ‘permitted’ to do these things and then you fail to do them immediately/promptly because then she’s basically being held hostage by your whim as to when you’ll do stuff.” ~ CuriousEmphasis7698
“I have a hypermobility disorder and didn’t notice a red flag on this post.”
“I was like, ‘Getting worn out after scrubbing one dish? That seems about right.'”
“Then I remembered that healthy people exist.”
“OP, if your wife is having trouble doing dishes without exhausting and/or injuring herself, she needs to push for more medical tests.”
“She may need your help with that since women tend to be dismissed by doctors, so she may want you there to vouch for her issues and advocate for her.”
“What she doesn’t need is you telling her what she’s able or not able to do.”
“Some days are better than others, and if, on one of my productive days, someone tried to take my ability to feel normal for a second by doing a normal chore away from me, I would be upset.”
“She needs to learn what those boundaries are on her own.” ~ AStaryuValley
“YTA – She’s not a child; she’s an adult who doesn’t need you to ‘forbid’ her from things.”
“The doctor cleared her.”
“It’s natural for her to have lingering pain; that doesn’t make her incapable or a porcelain doll that needs to be carried on a velvet pillow.”
“Offer to help her, take the initiative, and do some things you know may be hard for her right now.”
“But you are being overbearing, and you’re likely making her feel incapable.”
“She will learn her own limits.”
“You can talk with her about noticing that her job seems to be giving her more trouble lately.”
“Ask her how you can help, rather than making her feel chastised for doing normal household chores.” ~ CrimsonKnight_004
“She knows her limits.”
“She most like wants to contribute and beats HERSELF up when she can’t, and by telling her she can’t so something/anything you’re taking her autonomy away! Stop it!!!”
“She will learn that it’s ok not to do something that will hurt her in the long run, but SHE has to decide that.”
“I have a problem that some days means I sit in a damn chair and don’t move around a lot.”
“But on good days, I can do most things.”
“My friends and family know this and let me choose what I can do that day.”
“You have to do the same for her.”
“Damn, let HER decide what she can do and let her pay the consequences.”
“Adults get to do that, ya see. YTA.” ~ West_House_2085
“You’re literally talking about her like a child.”
“You didn’t get her treated for A[ttention]D[eficit]/H[yperactivity] D[isorder] she was an adult who with your help has been treated for it.”
“Look, I get it.”
“I’m in the same spot as your GF.”
“I even have a bottle can opener that has a magnet that sits on my fridge.”
“There are things that she can do to make the house more accessible, but you babying her won’t help.”
“It’s taken me years to figure out what things will help around the house so I can do the chores myself, and you’re actively stopping that by babying her.”
“It took me constantly breaking nails to figure out the can opener.”
“It took me so many avoided showers before I got a shower stool.”
“Living life is what lets people figure themselves out.” ~ Spookypossum27
“ESH? I’m not a doctor, but it seems FAR more likely that her doing crafts for 6 hours a day that involves heavy usage of her hands/wrists is ACTUALLY causing the underlying issue vs scrubbing a pan or carrying a bag.” ~ Bizzy1717
“This! I knit a lot, easily for six hours a day on my free days, and my wrists start to act up, especially when I’m doing something else other than knitting, which is the movement my wrists are used to.”
“I use wrist braces, take a painkiller, and simply just let my wrists rest when they hurt, but I still have to do my chores at home like everyone else.” ~ Top_Manufacturer8946
“YTA. Sounds like your girlfriend needs to see an orthopedist.”
“Then she should look for a less-controlling B[oy]F[riend].” ~ PlantManMD
“Gentle YTA. Let her make that call for herself.”
“Introducing this parental dynamic into your relationship does not set a good precedent.” ~ Sebscreen
“I like that your GF is in on the fact that you posted it here and got to confirm it’s accurate.”
“Good sign!”
“However, there is a slight YTA because even if you put ‘forbidden’ in quotes and replace it with ‘chiding her,’ that’s still overbearing and patronizing.”
“It’s lovely that you support her work and are willing to do most of the household chores, really.”
“But she’s an adult, and she has to get to make her own choices without you, yes, indeed, acting like her dad.”
“Her actions have consequences, and they are hers to carry.”
“I think it’s valid to tell her things like ‘Hey, I worry that if your wrists get worse, you might not be able to work, and I don’t want to/can’t financially sustain both of us.'”
“Don’t use this in a coercive way!”
“What I’m trying to say is that you get to have boundaries like ‘I will not carry the consequences if YOU decide to risk messing your wrists up more.'”
“Also, have you talked about why she won’t leave the tasks to you?”
“This might be a good conversation to have!”
“Also, I hope she can find better doctors who take her seriously and find treatment!”
“This sounds concerning, and the one doctor you mentioned seems to downplay it.” ~ SartorialDragon
“You’re treating her like she’s a child or incapable of making her own decisions.”
“While no one likes to see their loved ones in pain, it’s on her to decide what is or is not too much for her body.”
“It is not your decision to make.”
“She’s not yours to control.”
“You may mean wel,l but YTA.” ~ GothPenguin
“YTA: Based on the OP and your comments, you seem to be overly invested in her as a fragile being who is 100% dependent on you.”
“You don’t even want her opening cans because she might break a nail.”
“That’s absurd.” ~ nikkidarling83
“So. I have chronic joint injuries.”
“All over my body.”
“If I stopped doing a task because it hurt, I wouldn’t DO anything.”
“When something hurts, I have to find a different way.”
“For example, washing a heavy cast iron pan.”
“It’s too heavy for me to hold while washing, so I put it on the counter, fill it with soap and water using a cup for water transfer.”
“Wash it, then with two hands, slide the pan across the counter and tilt it to let the water drain.”
“I put it on the stove on heat to dry.”
“Unconventional? Yes.”
“Task done without injury? Also, yes.”
“If my husband insisted on doing all the chores, I’d feel inadequate.”
“He does the heavy tasks like taking out the garbage and vacuuming (he doesn’t want a robot).”
“Gentle, YTA.” ~ Bliezz
“YTA, she gets to decide what she can deal with.”
“She’s not a delicate princess that you’re there to protect.”
“She’s a grown woman who can decide when she wants to rest.”
“Your plan is not sustainable.” ~ keesouth
“YTA. Stop trying to infantilize her.”
“She makes choices about her own body – you get entirely no say.” ~ Schezzi
“I think you need therapy.”
‘She’s allowed to accidentally hurt herself.”
“I have chronic pain and lots of bone/joint/tissue disorders.”
“If you were that controlling of me, I would rip you a new one.”
“If I want to wash dishes, don’t you dare say otherwise.”
“Her life is hers, and if you can’t handle seeing the way she wants to live, you can leave.”
“You cannot control her.”
“Ever heard of muscle atrophy?”
“You’re steering her down that path.”
“Putting sick people in bubbles makes us worse.”
“Let her live.” ~ gargoyleboy_
“Soft YTA.”
“I know you want the best for her, but she’s an adult, and she knows the risks of what she’s doing.”
“Ultimately, you are trying to control her, and doing that makes it seem like you respect her free will less as a person.”
“Reading some of your other comments, I know she doesn’t want to spend more money, but you guys REALLY need to get a different specialist to look at that hand.”
“Forget chores; imagine not being able to do anything she loves.”
“Play the long game, dude. Let her know you love her and are here for her.” ~ KemetMusen
“YTA. If you want to do certain chores, write a list and a weekly schedule and do them.”
“It’s not her responsibility to remind you or to check your work.”
“Girlfriend, if you’re reading this, go to a doctor.”
“You’ve had this problem for a few YEARS.” ~ ComprehensiveSet927
“YTA… even legally disabled people want independence.”
“What the fudge are you doing?”
“If your wrist hurt a little, would you want your loved ones to constantly tell you to stop doing mundane things?”
“That’s just infantilizing.”
“Also, not sexy.” ~ octropos
OP came back with some clarifications…
“Hello, everyone…”
“I can’t really stop her from doing anything besides maybe chiding her afterward.”
“I’m not her Dad… lol.”
“I have shown her this thread, and she agrees that my version of events is more or less accurate, but she still feels she’s right.”
“I stopped responding yesterday because I basically had the answer I needed 10 comments in (I was being the a**hole… lol), and then this post ended up getting almost 300.”
“I actually got chided myself for spending so much time responding to messages that I ended up slacking on my work.”
“I’ve gotten her a little jig to open soda cans with.”
“I didn’t know these things existed until yesterday.”
“A lot of people are trying to diagnose her in the comments.”
“We’ll keep your ideas in mind the next time we go to the doctor/specialist (and I’ll accompany her (if she wants) since people have let me know doctors don’t always take women seriously).”
“I appreciate the level-headed comments that aimed to help me understand her perspective more (which is why I posted).”
“To the people voting ESH, she says: ‘Why am I catching strays here?’ I just want to do the dishes!”
“Some of you are very angry… lol.”
“Thanks to those who helped!”
It’s great to hear that everything has been worked out for the better, OP.
Communication is key in all relationships,
It’s always nice to see people understand their errors and then do better.
Hopefully, your GF’s healing journey is quick and painless.
Enjoy the chores, together!