Even though being a parent is something that most people choose to be, that doesn't change the fact that parenting well isn't a hard job, and it's worth having days like Mother's Day and Father's Day to honor, remember, and celebrate our parents.
For parents who have become grandparents, though, some would argue that their time being recognized on Mother's Day and Father's Day is over, making way for their grandchildren's parents, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor princesscorgi2 was a quiet and introverted mom, so she liked to go out and do something with her husband and toddler on the Saturday before Mother's Day each year to avoid possible crowds.
Clearly being a jealous woman, her mother-in-law soon declared that she wanted to celebrate on Saturday, because she deserved a Mother's Day celebration of her own instead of letting the Original Poster (OP) celebrate first.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not celebrating my birthday and Mother's Day on the same day so my mother-in-law can have the actual Mother's Day all for herself?"
The OP celebrated her birthday and Mother's Day one week apart.
"My birthday is a week before Mother’s Day. Usually, we do something small on my birthday for me, like go out to brunch and thrift shopping, and then something small the day before Mother’s Day that my toddler will also enjoy, like the local zoo, museum for kids, or aquarium."
"Then we plan a day for my mother-in-law (MIL) on the actual Mother’s Day itself."
"I really like it this way. The first year we did Mother’s Day brunch and I cooked for her at my house, even though I was freshly postpartum. The second year, we went out to a fancy brunch for her because she loves that type of stuff, and she didn’t even wish me a happy Mother’s Day or anything. The third year, my son was freshly two, so we did a local aquarium, boardwalk, and brunch."
"Every year, she seemed missable."
The OP's MIL clearly wanted to be celebrated first.
"Last year, she announced she’d be taking over the day before Mother’s Day for 'her Mother’s Day,' and I just let it go and gave it to her. The entire day, she just kept talking about how it was her day, and she deserved to be celebrated."
"Now, this year, she told me that the day before Mother’s Day, she wants us to drive to a beach town two hours away to do her Mother’s Day, so my husband 'can just rest on Mother’s Day itself' (so kind of her)."
"She knows that my husband absolutely hates the place she’s asking to go to and that he tires really easily, so he’ll be exhausted the next day. I know he’ll try to muster up the energy to give me the day that I want, but she knows I wouldn’t do that to him because that would be mean."
"She said she doesn’t personally care about the day, but she knows for a fact that my husband wants to do something for her, so this is what she wants."
The OP was reluctant to change her family's annual Mother's Day arrangements.
"My husband thinks she does this because my birthday is the week before, so she assumes I should just celebrate my birthday and Mother’s Day in one and leave the day for her."
"He says he doesn’t agree with her, but he thinks I should be more empathetic and not take it as a slight to me."
"But I don’t want to just give up Mother’s Day because my birthday lands close to it. It doesn’t seem fair to me that I can’t be celebrated when I’m a mom, too. On Father's Day, I take him to see his favorite baseball team and get him a special gift every year."
"What's strange is she acts like Mother’s Day is her birthday or something. I don’t have a relationship with my mom because she was abusive, so I really hoped me and MIL could spend Mother’s Day together celebrating us, but she just doesn’t want to."
"She simply wants it to be a day about her and only her, which is why I think she decided to monopolize the day before and call it 'her Mother’s Day' because she wants the attention on her and for her to be celebrated first."
"Meanwhile, I was just doing it on Saturdays, because I’m a bit of an introvert and wanted to enjoy my time with my toddler in a quieter setting."
"Am I wrong for not wanting to celebrate Mother’s Day on my birthday and just give Mother’s Day to my MIL?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she deserved honor on Mother's Day. Her mother-in-law could have Grandparents Day.
"Mother’s Day isn’t for grandmas. They have a day. You’re the one in the trenches, not her. It’s your day."
"Let me be abundantly clear: IT'S YOUR DAY."
"Your husband needs to grow a backbone and put his mother in her place. I would never allow my mother to disrespect my wife, the mother of her grandchildren, and myself like that. You disrespect my wife, you disrespect me, mom or not, and I’m not standing idly by."
"Your husband needs to show your son how a man takes care of HIS family. Not the one he came from. You and your son are his family now. His mom needs to see that and respect it, or she will get a phone call and a card in the mail for Mother’s Day." - PitViperGT5
"I'm confused. You've been very generous in celebrating Mother's Day separately, so MIL gets the whole day focused on her. What does your husband want you to do? Is it not enough that MIL gets a whole day to herself?"
"Is the agenda that you can't celebrate at all? Make it make sense." - celticmusebooks
"She sounds insufferable. She is only doing this to be spiteful and try to split you and your husband. She needs to be left alone this year. She is a grandmother, and you are in the thick of mothering. It’s your day." - purplepeopleeater
"NTA. You’re a mother too, not a supporting character in your MIL's life."
"Your husband is only asking you to be empathetic because it’s easier than him having to say no to his mom. Don't set this precedent. If you give up your day now, you’ll be doing it for the next 20 years. Keep your boundaries." - conriva
"It bothers me that he acknowledges it. 'HE THINKS she does this because...' He's frustrated, knows her antics and games, he doesn't want this, and he's not remotely blind to it... not in denial... and he's still over here having his wife adjust, play peace keeper, deal with it..."
"Letting his mom run with the 'I'm doing it for him so he can rest and because he wants this for me so... I guess that's what we'll do' narrative?"
"Stealing her birthday. Stealing her birthday and Mother's Day. Her own day. One day. Three days. All this s**t. A constant barrage."
"Excuse me? No. Nono nonono. He's being a terrible husband and setting a bad example for his kid." - YoshiandAims
Others encouraged the OP to send her husband to his mother's house, so she could enjoy time with her child.
"She's not your mother, so why are you going to these things?"
"Let her just have her son for the day, and you can cuddle with your little one and have a nice, quiet day. No driving two hours away and having to deal with her attitude. Especially as she doesn't seem to celebrate you at all on Mother's Day."
"Let your husband deal with her, LOL. I'm sure he's going to get sick of it real quick." - Lighthouse_on_Mars
"Babe, you deserve a Birthday AND a Mother's Day. They can do their own thing." - Lucidity74
"Tell MIL to celebrate Mother’s Day on her own birthday since she doesn’t care about the day & is only doing something because your husband wants to." - 2tiredforthis
"Your husband should get you flowers for Mother’s Day and should help your child make a little something when he’s of age."
"He can spend the rest of the day with his mother. You aren’t supposed to celebrate his mom. If your mother isn’t around anymore, the day belongs to you and your child." - Traveler691
"If she’s having 'her day' the day before Mother’s Day, why would that equate to a rest day for your husband on Mother’s Day? It seems that if she gets Saturday (that you normally get), you get to celebrate Mother’s Day with your husband and child on Sunday Mother’s Day (that she usually gets)."
"And also, I would personally send him and the kid to the beach with MIL and stay home and treat myself to some peace and quiet. That sounds like a deliberate dig against you." - yarnhooksbooks
"Stop suggesting and just do it. Stay home and enjoy a day with your kid."
"Your husband says to have empathy for her while completely ignoring the fact that she's had decades of Mother's Days already with her kid, while you have less than five, which you've graciously shared and hosted."
"Do what you want with your child on Mother's Day, and the giant mamma's boy can celebrate his mom on Mother's Day. If she wants her grandkid to celebrate her, she can wait until Grandparents Day." - GoodQueenFluffenChop
"This is bizarre to me. You are the mother here, not her. Your husband needs to draw the line and step up in supporting you more, especially if she’s not his direct mother. He needs to be there to support you."
"She sounds very narcissistic and entitled. Stop catering to her!"
"Do your own thing with your child; if he wants to drive two hours, he can. It is absolutely a slight to say he should be able to relax on the day while you’re not even considered." - mntbrrybrnch
"You got a lot of husband problems here."
"Mother's Day is for celebrating mothers actively parenting minor-age children. Your husband should be helping your very young, minor-aged child celebrate you. That's Husband Problem Number One."
"Mothers of adult children can be grateful for a card in the post. Whether genuinely or not, your MIL has said she doesn't personally care for the day, just that her son wants to do something for her. So he knows there's, theoretically, no expectations from her for grand gestures for her; she's only accepting them to please him."
"If he is overwhelmed with the amount of effort he has to make in this space of time, his mother's should be first to get cut. That's Husband Problem Number Two."
"Unless your husband is rolling his birthday celebration into Father's Day (no matter how far apart), he should be opposed to the suggestion that you roll your birthday celebration into Mother's Day (no matter how close together). And he should be pushing back against it, not weaselly trying to negotiate for it. That's Husband Problem Number Three." - Professional_Ruin953
"It’s wild how these MILs think Mother’s Day is a 'Highest Ranking Seniority' award. OP is literally a mother right now doing the actual work of parenting, while MIL is just busy demanding a two-day ego stroke. A quiet day at home sounds like the best birthday gift OP could give herself." - Additional-Tie8949
The subReddit was infuriated by how the OP was being treated by her mother-in-law and how her mother-in-law was essentially attempting to erase her motherhood.
Clearly, the couple needed to set some ground rules.
Either the mother-in-law could be happy with getting Sunday, the official Mother's Day, or she could organize a celebration relaxed enough to allow her adult son to still celebrate with his wife the next day, or she could forfeit her rights to a celebration entirely.
If she kept letting her pride and selfishness get in the way, she wouldn't be getting a celebration at all, on Mother's Day, Grandparents' Day, or maybe any other holiday.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp