One should always try to put others before themselves.
That being said, everyone also deserves a special day, where you are the center of attention, and the one being treated or pampered.
Making it understandable to be disappointed when your friends and family don't step up to the plate when you expect them to.
Redditor Constant-Scratch1596 was looking forward to this upcoming Mother's Day much more than any previous Mother's Day, and knew just how she wanted to celebrate it.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)'s mother, mother-in-law (MIL) and husband all had their own ideas of how to spend Mother's Day, none of which aligned with hers.
As a result, the OP decided to take matters into her own hands, angering her family in the process.
Worried that her actions may have been selfish, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AIITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for wanting to prioritize myself on my first mother's day?"
The OP shared how after her requests for Mother's Day were ignored, she decided to take matters into her own hands.
"This coming Sunday will be my first mother's day as a mom, after 3 years of infertility and multiple miscarriages."
"I think my history may be clouding my judgement here and making me selfish but, at the same time, I'm having a hard time seeing how I'm wrong."
"I'm hoping you guys can give me some clarity."
"All I want to do for mother's day is spend the day with my husband and baby and go for a nice lunch at my favorite restaurant."
"This has apparently pissed everyone off."
"My mother wants us to drive 1.5 hours to spend mother's day with her."
"I really don't want to spend 3 hours in a car with a five month old in one day."
"My MIL wants us to have lunch with her before she goes and has dinner with her mother."
"My husband says we have to see his mother on mother's day and, while he's annoyed that she is only available to see us for lunch, says we will have to plan the day around her availability."
"She does not want to go to the restaurant that I want to go to, and we can't go to that restaurant for dinner because of the baby's bedtime."
"Maybe I'm being selfish but I feel like this is my first mother's day and we should do what I want and everyone else can suck it up."
"My husband thinks I need to compromise and that we can have a perfectly nice lunch that celebrates both me and his mom somewhere that we both like."
"My mom is upset that no version of our mother's day plans involve her."
"I finally broke down and told everyone that I will be going to my favorite restaurant with the baby and that they can all go do whatever they want."
"Everyone is calling me selfish and overdramatic."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for putting herself first on her first Mother's Day as a mother.
Everyone agreed that the OP was absolutely correct in believing she deserved to spend her first Mother's Day exactly as she wanted to, and her family should have been more sympathetic, particularly as her first child proved so difficult to come by.
"Good for you! NTA, and you're not selfish."
"I'm honestly shocked that your mother and your MIL aren't more understanding."
"Also, congrats on becoming a mom!"
"Enjoy your first Mother's Day, don't let them bring you down!"
"You deserve it!"- itsathrowawayduhhhhh
"OP, you are NTA."
"The very first year I was a mother (and yes, I had a terrible pregnancy and high-risk delivery, but nowhere near the struggles you had to endure), my mother called and asked me what *I* wanted to do to celebrate Mother's Day."
"When I asked her for her opinion, she cheerfully said, 'I'm the grandma. Now YOU are the mother'."
"I loved her for that."
"YOU ARE THE MOTHER THIS DAY."
"Grandmas can wait."
"Congratulations OP!"- busyshrew
"So, my feeling is that Mother's Day should be prioritized for the person actually doing the mothering."
"Same with Father's Day."
"Everyone can come to you this year, or they can celebrate it on another day."
"If they don't like it, they can pound sand."
"Your request was VERY reasonable."
"Nothing you requested is selfish at all."
"Your husband is behaving horribly - he should ONLY be supporting you right now."
"It is not your job to put yourself out for the convenience of everyone around you."
"I'd suggest that his mother and your mother come over on Saturday to see the baby but tell everyone you will not be traveling anywhere this coming weekend."
"Then, spend Mother's Day itself how you want to celebrate it."
"That is a VERY reasonable compromise."
"We got pushback for a long time on our boundaries, but if you do not set and hold boundaries right now then they will always try to manipulate you."
"It is not selfish to enforce your boundaries."
"NTA."- sometimesblessed
"My MIL tried this after my son was born."
"I told her you've had 40 Mother's Days, and this is my first."
"I'll be doing what I want."
"Luckily, husband backed me up, and we had a lovely day at the zoo."- AromaticInvite4278
"Oh is everyone calling you that?"
"Well everyone can have a great big cup of STFU, and you can tell them we all said so! HA!"
"NTA."
"You are a mother too, I sometimes wish that there were a grandparents day, so that when a woman becomes a mother she can be relieved of her duties and be the focus of the attention same for the dad's on father's day."
"Stand your ground and if possible - post this on a meet up mommies group or something seeking like-minded women to start a new tradition."
"Please update us after MD so we know how your day was."
"And blessings to your new motherhood."- Posterbomber
"NTA!"
"You should be able to celebrate your first Mother's Day how you want to."
"If MIL and your mother really want to spend the day together so bad, they should be coming to you, not the other way around."
"You are the one with the 5-month-old."- xdaemonisx
"BS to mom and MIL."
"Spend your first Mother's Day with husband and kid."
"Husband should have YOUR back, not MIL's."
"NTA."
"And what will happen when OP is ready to have Thanksgiving at their own home."
"Christmas at their own home."
"At what point is it OK to do either?"- KronkLaSworda
"NTA."
"It's mother's day, not grandmother's day."
"F*ck 'em."- idontcare8587
"I was very much into my first Mother's Day - it felt very special, and the first one was important."
"When my daughter had her first baby, I told her that she gets priority as the latest generation mother - and same with Father's Day."
"I didn't want her stressing about making my day special and ignoring her important place."-Pattytattat
"NTA!"
"Everyone should be celebrating your first Mother's Day as a mom, especially given your journey to get there."
"Take the entire day to do whatever YOU want to do, and tell everyone else to buzz off."
"They had their turn so You deserve to be celebrated without having to worry about anyone else this year!"- grayfern
"NTA."
"I struggled for 2.5 years with infertility and lost two babies in that time."
"Had multiple procedures to eventually have my now 10-year-old daughter."
"She happened on the second round of IUI/5th attempt."
"Whether you went through all that or not, you get to spend Mother's Day how you want."
"I don't see why you can't just spend a special day with each mom on any other day."
"What's the big deal?"
"Many people do the weekend before or weekend after for going out to brunch/dinner to avoid the massive restaurant wait times on that day."
"I can say that I know when my 10-year-old daughter grows up, she may stop spending actual Mother's Day with me and want to spend it with her child/children and husband and I'm totally fine with that! It won't mean she loves me any less."
"I think you should do what you want, especially with your baby so young, on this Mother's Day."
"It wouldn't be fun dragging her around all day anyways."- holymolyholyholy
It's fairly surprising that the OP's husband wouldn't put his wife's wishes first after she gave birth to his first child.
Equally surprising is that the OP's mother and MIL both put themselves first, instead of the woman who gave birth to their first grandchild.
One can only hope they all have a happy Mother's Day however they all chose to spend it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp