One should always try to put others before themselves.
That being said, everyone also deserves a special day, where you are the center of attention, and the one being treated or pampered.
Making it understandable to be disappointed when your friends and family don't step up to the plate when you expect them to.
Redditor Constant-Scratch1596 was looking forward to this upcoming Mother's Day much more than any previous Mother's Day, and knew just how she wanted to celebrate it.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)'s mother, mother-in-law (MIL) and husband all had their own ideas of how to spend Mother's Day, none of which aligned with hers.
As a result, the OP decided to take matters into her own hands, angering her family in the process.
Worried that her actions may have been selfish, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AIITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for wanting to prioritize myself on my first mother's day?"
The OP shared how after her requests for Mother's Day were ignored, she decided to take matters into her own hands.
"This coming Sunday will be my first mother's day as a mom, after 3 years of infertility and multiple miscarriages."
"I think my history may be clouding my judgement here and making me selfish but, at the same time, I'm having a hard time seeing how I'm wrong."
"I'm hoping you guys can give me some clarity."
"All I want to do for mother's day is spend the day with my husband and baby and go for a nice lunch at my favorite restaurant."
"This has apparently pissed everyone off."
"My mother wants us to drive 1.5 hours to spend mother's day with her."
"I really don't want to spend 3 hours in a car with a five month old in one day."
"My MIL wants us to have lunch with her before she goes and has dinner with her mother."
"My husband says we have to see his mother on mother's day and, while he's annoyed that she is only available to see us for lunch, says we will have to plan the day around her availability."
"She does not want to go to the restaurant that I want to go to, and we can't go to that restaurant for dinner because of the baby's bedtime."
"Maybe I'm being selfish but I feel like this is my first mother's day and we should do what I want and everyone else can suck it up."
"My husband thinks I need to compromise and that we can have a perfectly nice lunch that celebrates both me and his mom somewhere that we both like."
"My mom is upset that no version of our mother's day plans involve her."
"I finally broke down and told everyone that I will be going to my favorite restaurant with the baby and that they can all go do whatever they want."
"Everyone is calling me selfish and overdramatic."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for putting herself first on her first Mother's Day as a mother.
Everyone agreed that the OP was absolutely correct in believing she deserved to spend her first Mother's Day exactly as she wanted to, and her family should have been more sympathetic, particularly as her first child proved so difficult to come by.
"Good for you! NTA, and you're not selfish."
"I'm honestly shocked that your mother and your MIL aren't more understanding."
"Also, congrats on becoming a mom!"
"Enjoy your first Mother's Day, don't let them bring you down!"
"You deserve it!"- itsathrowawayduhhhhh
"OP, you are NTA."
"The very first year I was a mother (and yes, I had a terrible pregnancy and high-risk delivery, but nowhere near the struggles you had to endure), my mother called and asked me what *I* wanted to do to celebrate Mother's Day."
"When I asked her for her opinion, she cheerfully said, 'I'm the grandma. Now YOU are the mother'."
"I loved her for that."
"YOU ARE THE MOTHER THIS DAY."
"Grandmas can wait."
"Congratulations OP!"- busyshrew
"So, my feeling is that Mother's Day should be prioritized for the person actually doing the mothering."
"Same with Father's Day."
"Everyone can come to you this year, or they can celebrate it on another day."
"If they don't like it, they can pound sand."
"Your request was VERY reasonable."
"Nothing you requested is selfish at all."
"Your husband is behaving horribly - he should ONLY be supporting you right now."
"It is not your job to put yourself out for the convenience of everyone around you."
"I'd suggest that his mother and your mother come over on Saturday to see the baby but tell everyone you will not be traveling anywhere this coming weekend."
"Then, spend Mother's Day itself how you want to celebrate it."
"That is a VERY reasonable compromise."
"We got pushback for a long time on our boundaries, but if you do not set and hold boundaries right now then they will always try to manipulate you."
"It is not selfish to enforce your boundaries."
"NTA."- sometimesblessed
"My MIL tried this after my son was born."
"I told her you've had 40 Mother's Days, and this is my first."
"I'll be doing what I want."
"Luckily, husband backed me up, and we had a lovely day at the zoo."- AromaticInvite4278
"Oh is everyone calling you that?"
"Well everyone can have a great big cup of STFU, and you can tell them we all said so! HA!"
"NTA."
"You are a mother too, I sometimes wish that there were a grandparents day, so that when a woman becomes a mother she can be relieved of her duties and be the focus of the attention same for the dad's on father's day."
"Stand your ground and if possible - post this on a meet up mommies group or something seeking like-minded women to start a new tradition."
"Please update us after MD so we know how your day was."
"And blessings to your new motherhood."- Posterbomber
"NTA!"
"You should be able to celebrate your first Mother's Day how you want to."
"If MIL and your mother really want to spend the day together so bad, they should be coming to you, not the other way around."
"You are the one with the 5-month-old."- xdaemonisx
"BS to mom and MIL."
"Spend your first Mother's Day with husband and kid."
"Husband should have YOUR back, not MIL's."
"NTA."
"And what will happen when OP is ready to have Thanksgiving at their own home."
"Christmas at their own home."
"At what point is it OK to do either?"- KronkLaSworda
"NTA."
"It's mother's day, not grandmother's day."
"F*ck 'em."- idontcare8587
"I was very much into my first Mother's Day - it felt very special, and the first one was important."
"When my daughter had her first baby, I told her that she gets priority as the latest generation mother - and same with Father's Day."
"I didn't want her stressing about making my day special and ignoring her important place."-Pattytattat
"NTA!"
"Everyone should be celebrating your first Mother's Day as a mom, especially given your journey to get there."
"Take the entire day to do whatever YOU want to do, and tell everyone else to buzz off."
"They had their turn so You deserve to be celebrated without having to worry about anyone else this year!"- grayfern
"NTA."
"I struggled for 2.5 years with infertility and lost two babies in that time."
"Had multiple procedures to eventually have my now 10-year-old daughter."
"She happened on the second round of IUI/5th attempt."
"Whether you went through all that or not, you get to spend Mother's Day how you want."
"I don't see why you can't just spend a special day with each mom on any other day."
"What's the big deal?"
"Many people do the weekend before or weekend after for going out to brunch/dinner to avoid the massive restaurant wait times on that day."
"I can say that I know when my 10-year-old daughter grows up, she may stop spending actual Mother's Day with me and want to spend it with her child/children and husband and I'm totally fine with that! It won't mean she loves me any less."
"I think you should do what you want, especially with your baby so young, on this Mother's Day."
"It wouldn't be fun dragging her around all day anyways."- holymolyholyholy
It's fairly surprising that the OP's husband wouldn't put his wife's wishes first after she gave birth to his first child.
Equally surprising is that the OP's mother and MIL both put themselves first, instead of the woman who gave birth to their first grandchild.
One can only hope they all have a happy Mother's Day however they all chose to spend it.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.