Doing favors for friends and family members can be challenging. Naturally, we want to help out our family as best we can and usually jump at the chance to help them, no questions asked.
Sometimes, however, we find ourselves doing our best not to roll our eyes when asked to help.
Not only for the interruptions it may cause in our lives but also for the added annoyances that might come with providing help to certain individuals.
Redditor No_Remote9777 found herself becoming more or less her grandmother's unofficial chauffeur to church.
While the original poster (OP) initially didn't mind providing this service, she was less thrilled that her grandmother always took it as an opportunity to meddle in her life.
When her grandmother continued to ignore all of the OP's requests to stop this meddling, she felt the only thing she could do was put an end to her free driving service.
Concerned she may have been too hard on her grandmother, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my family that I'm not taking my grandma to church anymore?"
The OP explained what she told her grandmother she had to find another way to get to church:
"I already do a lot for my family, which consists of my mom(60s, F[emale]), grandma (80s, F), and disabled brother (20s, M)."
"Basically, I told my family I wasn't going to drive Grandma to church on Sundays anymore."
"Reason being is because Grandma tries to use it as a matchmaking service for me."
"I really don't like the guys she tries to set me up with."
"I told her to stop it and that I wasn't going to take her if she keeps trying to set me up with her friends' relatives."
"Problem is that Grandma insists I stay with her, and I just want a day off to myself."
"After last week, I told Grandma I had enough, and that was the last time I took her."
"She and my mom are upset because she doesn't have another way to get to church."
"Mom can't drive, and we don't have reliable public transportation."
"So far, I've been holding my ground, but Grandma is upset."
"Sunday is coming up and she's sad she won't get to attend."
"I told mom she needs to figure something out because I'm sick of being the unpaid chauffeur."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community resoundingly took the OP's side and agreed that she was not the a**hole for refusing to drive her grandmother to work anymore.
Everyone agreed that if the OP's grandmother wouldn't listen to the OP and stop trying to set her up, then the OP was under no further obligation to drive her to work, with many others pointing out that the church could easily provide a driver for the OP's grandmother:
"NTA."
"You told your grandmother she needed to stop trying to set you up at church or you would stop taking her."
"She didn't listen."
"You have every right to stop driving her."
"You're not obligated to give her a ride to church."
"You were doing her a favor."
"Attending church is something she wants to do, not something she needs to do."
"You shouldn't have to give up your Sundays for her."
"You said she has friends at church."
"I'd bet some of those friends could give her a ride to and from church."
"If not, some churches do stream their services online."- Wild_Ticket1413
"Stand your ground."
"You explained to your grandma you were uncomfortable, and she didn't care."
"Your grandma FA, and now she's FO."
"They will try to guilt trip you; don't fall for it."
"Grandma can call a friend to take her to church - how about one of those 'nice boys' she tried to pair you up with?"
"Let her hang out with them."
"NTA."- goldenfingernails
"NTA."
"You have asked her repeatedly to stop, and she hasn't."
"It is also taking up a whole day as she doesn't want you to leave."- r3aldud3
"NTA."
"Your mom can get her license or pay for an Uber if she cares so much."
"Or Grandma can watch a service online, or learn to shut her mouth."- CF_FI_Fly
"Someone can call the church and ask for assistance with a ride for your grandmother."
"NTA."- Hot-Freedom-5886
"NTA."
"This is EXACTLY what a boundary is."
"If you do X, I will do Y."
"Good job."- tinyahjumma
"NTA."
"She would be able to attend if she could follow even the most basic boundary that you have set for her."- ButItSaysOnline
"NTA."
"It's common for churches to arrange rides for their elderly or non-driving congregants, Ask the church for help."
"Grandma will still be upset because it won't be on her schedule and she will be inconvenienced, but she will get to go to church."- No_Philosopher_1870
"You warned Grandma."
'She insists you stay despite you not wanting to be there."
"She tries to set you up."
"You told her to stop."
"Grandma earned her consequences."
"'She and my mom are upset because she doesn't have another way to get to church. Mom can't drive, and we don't have reliable public transportation."
"AND?"
"Your mom better hope all your good will doesn't run out."
"NTA."- slendermanismydad
"NTA."
"Churches usually provide transportation for seniors."- Madmattylock
"NTA."
"She shouldn't be making you uncomfrotable all the time, and caregiving is hard."
"Grandma needs to call the church office, and they need to ask for volunteers to drive her."- EnvironmentalGroup15
"NTA."
"You have a right to your boundaries, especially when you are doing favors."
"Surely the church can work out a ride for her!"- SensitiveDrink5721
"NTA."
"You told her to stop."
"She didn't."
"Lesson learned."
"If she wants to get a ride to church, she needs to stop the matchmaking."
"Otherwise, she needs to see if other ride options are available."- ChicagoWhiteSox35
"NTA."
"Your grandmother's pastor can arrange transport."
"They do it all the time."
"Have your mom call and explain that the only driver in the family cannot continue, she doesn't drive, their partitioner is unable."
"That's all it takes."
"Some churches have vans."
"Some will arrange someone who lives nearby to pick her up and drop her off."
"Among other options."
"I took in my nephew at 17, his churches youth pastor would pick him up and drop him off, on event nights, the church van would, or a parishioner I knew, who lived nearby would."
"Always someone I personally knew, they worked with Me to make sure everyone was comfortable with the arrangement."
"We have a ton of churches in my area and they all have systems for this a parishioners who utilize it."
"Several ladies in my complex use elder services through the county. an aid takes them to the store, or even church."
"Public transport or private transport (like taxis, Uber, busses, charity ride share)."
"She has options."
"More than listed here."
"She may not love them, like them, nothing is perfect, but you won't be able to help forever, and you, for your own reasons (perfectly valid) have decided the time is now."- YoshiandAims
"NTA."
'She can call her church and see if any of their other parishioners are willing to drive her."
"There's also Lyft or Uber."
"It's not like there are no options."- rojita369
"NTA."
"Either call the church and ask if there is a committee that helps elderly parishioners get to services, or you could offer to still DRIVE her there, but just drop her off and go get coffee and read a book until it is time to pick her up."- CreativeMusic5121
"Family members setting you up AGAINST YOUR WILL is not OK."
"If you gave warning, and she ignored you you're NTA."- BMal_Suj
"NTA."
"Your Grandma's church should be stepping up to the plate here."
"You're already overloaded and she's making things worse with her matchmaking antics."
"And I say that, by the way, as someone who does go to church every Sunday."
"You can't fill an empty cup, and Sunday should be a day of REST."
"Stand your ground here."- Radiant-Ruin-8687
"NTA."
"Grandma FAFO."
"Unless you hold to this, her behavior isn't going to change."
"It might not change anyway, but at least she knows there will be consequences."- booboo773
"NTA."
"My dad used to take my mom to church, park in the parking lot, and take a nap for an hour."
"It was a win-win for both of them."- Melodic-Yak7196
"NTA."
"You set a reasonable boundary, explained the consequences, and she made her choice."
"It's not like you're denying her food or human contact or some essential thing; it's just a recreational/social event."
"I'd guess there are probably several other churchgoers who would be happy to give her a lift if asked, and I'm sure the church she goes to and most other churches have seen a bunch of situations like this in the past."
"I'm pretty sure that people happily giving old ladies a ride to church is a super common thing."
"Christians usually love old people and getting more people to go to church, so it's probably a pretty easy ask."- daylight1943
Some people truly don't enjoy being set up, be it by their grandmother or anyone at all.
So, if the OP told her grandmother that she was not comfortable with being set up, her grandmother should have listened.
Otherwise, she likely wouldn't be scrambling to find a ride to church right now...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp