There are countless reasons that a relationship might come to an end, but being indifferent toward your partner is a silent killer.
Nothing tells them their partner doesn't love them quite like not caring about their likes and interests, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Old_Middle_7957 had spoken to her husband about a month prior to her birthday about wanting a new pair of Converse, only for him to recommend a designer option that she hated.
When she opened her birthday gift and discovered the designer shoes, the Original Poster (OP) knew that her husband had chosen something he could brag about purchasing, rather than getting her something she actually liked.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for disliking the birthday gift my husband got for me?"
The OP was honest when her husband asked for her feedback about a potential birthday gift.
"So my birthday just passed, and my husband got me some beautiful earrings and a pair of shoes…"
"When he asked what I wanted for my birthday, I had told him a new pair of Converse."
"I have worn my Converse about four days a week for about six years, so mine are pretty worn out, and I’m due for a new pair!"
"Flashback to about a month ago, my husband shows me a pair of designer tennis shoes on his phone and asks, 'What do you think of these?'"
"I tell him, 'Those are ugly as s**t.'"
"He goes on to say, 'Oh really?? I love them.'"
"I don’t understand, but ultimately, I kind of thought he was asking about the shoes for him. Life goes on..."
After that conversation, the OP was very disappointed by how her birthday turned out.
"So I’m sure you can already picture it. On my birthday, I open my gift, and it is those fugly shoes…"
"I’m thinking, 'What the f**k? I literally told you I thought those were hideous?'"
"He’s so proud of them and kept flexing on everyone, like, 'They’re designer!'"
"Like, who gives a f**k??"
"But I play it off like they’re cool and I’m happy and go about my day."
The OP's husband tried to make it her fault when she didn't like her gift.
"Later, he comes up to me and goes, 'You hate your shoes…'"
"I tried to play it off like, 'No, I don’t hate them. They’re cool!'"
"He says he can tell that I hate them."
"I now see that he was just fishing for me to tell him how much I love them because when I opened up and said, 'I really didn’t care for them, and you knew that,' he acted so offended."
"I told him, 'Remember last month when you showed me these shoes, and I told you how much I hated them? It wasn’t like those aren’t really my style. I flat out said, 'Those are f**king ugly.'"
"He goes on to talk about how they’re designer and that I just don’t understand designer fashion yet because I haven’t been around the upper class much."
"I told him it’s really not about understanding designer fashion; it’s about these not really being my style or something I would ever wear."
"I tell him I would love to send them back and buy a pair of Converse and even use the rest of the money to go on a date or something."
"He acts so taken back and tells me to just wear the shoes. He basically refused to return them."
"So here I am with these ugly a** shoes that I occasionally try to wear. Luckily, my mom got me a pair of Converse for my birthday, so shout out to my mom for taking my feelings into consideration."
The OP was pretty certain the problem was the new job.
"I just want to add that my husband recently started working with people who make significantly more money than he does, and he’s had the opportunity to have some very successful months lately as well."
"He has gotten it in his head that we are about to move to a higher tax bracket and wants to live a life of luxury, I guess?"
"I guess he thought these shoes would impress his coworkers and match the type of thing that their wives wear? I would never be the type of person to tell someone that I don’t like a gift; I only ever said it because my feelings were hurt that I flat-out said I didn’t like these shoes and he got them anyway."
"It makes me feel like he just doesn’t listen to me or take my opinions or feelings into consideration."
"I ultimately kept the shoes because he seemed so proud of himself, and I felt like it was going to hurt his feelings if I pushed too hard on it, and I really don’t like to argue about something as silly as a birthday present."
"But ultimately, I’ve come away feeling extremely unheard and unvalued."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she should have received a gift that she wanted for her birthday.
"NOR. You told him you didn’t like them, and he got them anyway. Then he bugs you about it and your consent, even though you tried being nice. If anything, he’s overreacting." - EstellaAfterDark
"NOR. It doesn't matter how much money you make; you should get what you want for your birthday, or at least a thoughtful gift. You literally told him you didn't like the shoes, and he ordered them anyway. That's so gross to me." - saltysarah13
"NOR. Do NOT wear the shoes. Ever."
"You are rewarding his pushy, whiny behavior."
"You are wearing something that you both know you do not like. What a victory for him each time he sees you in them… knowing if he pushes you enough, you will capitulate on your expressly stated position."
"It’s a slow erosion of your own desires, and he is perfectly fine with it. Yikes." - NixyVixy
"NOR. He deliberately didn’t take your likes and opinions in and bought the gift for himself to flex. You can ask to return them again for something designed you do like, or you can try to sell them and use the money to buy something you want." - Cur10us-M0nk3y
"NOR. He didn't get the gift you wanted because he actually didn't care what you wanted. He wanted an excuse to show you off like some kind of trophy of his achievements, rather than actually caring about his wife."
"He cares more about how people view him and his relationship than he cares about you. Because if he really cared about you, he'd get fancy shoes for himself, and the Converse you wanted for you."
"At the end of the day, he ignored you, dismissed you, and belittled you (saying you're not used to upper-class fashion was actually evil). That would be a dealbreaker for me." - Oogachakaoogahchahka
"NOR, but I’m afraid you’re going to continue to have problems with this. He is going to start trying to get you to wear clothes you don’t like as well because he wants you to look more like his coworkers’ wives. You need to have a serious talk with him about this." - Mundane-Cry5346
"Your birthday is not a teaching moment. It should be celebrated in a way that honors who you are and what you like now. If you like designer stuff next year, he can get you something designer then."
"I have no leniency with people like this."
"Tell him very clearly, 'My birthday is for me, not for you. I do not like the shoes. Buying them after I said no is such a concerning decision for you to make. As my husband, you are expected to know and cherish who I am and what I like. Not who you want me to be and what you want me to like.'"
"Then add, 'If you do not like me for who I am, we can have that conversation... but do not behave as if you can force me into something that is no longer working. I do not have any interest in a luxury lifestyle. Please do not force your likes and wants onto me from this point on.'" - FarShoreSpirit
Others agreed and cautioned the OP that her husband's actions could lead them to financial ruin.
"You're in for a rough ride if he is set on social climbing and keeps trying to compare you to other wives. NOR." - stellabluebear
"Your husband is an insecure t**t. And be forewarned-he will ruin you financially trying to be 'upper class.' Whatever the f**k that is."
"My parents are/were multi-millionaires. You would never know it. Most people with money you’d never know. Now, serious money, yeah, they’re flashy. But very few people have that kind of money. And really, does it make them 'upper class'?”
"I’ve done well for myself. I still live in the same paid-off house. Drive my same paid-off vehicles. Every raise and promotion, I might get a little one-time treat, but everything went straight to retirement."
"Jobs come and go. Sometimes you’re up. Sometimes you’re down." - Alarmed-Speaker-8330
"The issue is bigger than shoes. New 'rich' people are immature with their money. He should be putting as much extra money into retirement accounts as he can. Wasting it on designer s**t, especially designer s**t you don’t even like, is foolish."
"For his birthday, get him some books on growing wealth." - rpompom915
"Uh-oh. Your husband sounds a LOT like my Evil Starter Husband in his attitude."
"Now, he never bought me designer shoes, because we were fresh out of college, flat broke, and got no help from our parents, who were lower middle class and couldn’t afford to give us any money."
"But because we had both just started engineering careers, he seemed to think, 'Now that we’re in the real world getting real paychecks, we’re rich!' Spoiler alert: we were most definitely not."
"He grew up in a neighborhood that was going downhill fast. Think drive-bys and drug deals on the corner. But he wanted people to think he grew up among the country club set. So as soon as we had a credit card, he charged it to the max, buying things like $500 suits when we had no furniture but a bed. It was 1980, and $500 was A LOT."
"Did he listen to me about not running up debt? H**l no, he did not. It got bad enough that, at one point, we had to take out one of those payday loans at a ridiculous interest rate."
"The moral of the story: he got us into financial trouble. He was so hell-bent on looking rich that he wouldn’t listen to reason. (And of course, when I divorced him, I got stuck with half the debt he ran up. Took years to dig out of that hole.)"
"Ironically, I think old-money rich people wouldn’t even take a second look at the ugly designer shoes, much less buy and wear them."
"NOR." - TheRealCarpeFelis
"NOR. He didn't buy those for you. He bought them for status. That's upsetting. (and lmao, the upper glass and their vast reputation for sneakers Converse are also iconic)."
"He didn't buy them excited, thinking you'd like them... he knew you HATED THEM. That clinches it for me."
"It's so sad he's trying to dress you to impress people, not even caring about what you like. And sneakers?"
"Okay. She HATES the sneakers. Pivot to literally anything else in life, keep your tastes in mind... and there is an expensive product that maybe you didn't want, but you would like."
"Also... a cautionary tale... new money, and keeping up with the rich people around you... is how people end up broke. And it doesn't impress them. You just look like new money who doesn't have any style of your own."
"I'm not trying to be mean or say anything bad about him, it's just a way too easy thing to have spiral. He's buying shoes you hate for his ego. 'They're designer!'"
"When there are tons of designer shoes and other items you'd like. The seed is there. Just, keep an eye on it." - YoshiAndAims
The subReddit was angry enough on the OP's behalf that her husband got her a birthday present that wasn't about her and her birthday at all, but about his bragging rights.
But the likelihood that his spending for clout was going to get worse before it got better was, so to speak, the final candle on a terrible birthday cake.
