We would all like to be able to help our friends out when they need us, but realistically, when is a request too big of a request?
Is it borrowing money? Is it coming to live with us?
A debate about what should be considered as “too much” recently occurred on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor ko7an1, a new mom, had to decide whether she could handle helping a friend while meeting the needs of a new baby.
When she was criticized for her response, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she made the wrong choice.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not letting my husband’s best friend move in with us?”
The OP had a close relationship with her husband as well as his best friend, Andrew.
“I’ve known my husband, and subsequently his best friend, for 6 years. They’re childhood friends.”
“His BFF, let’s call him Andrew, is what you’d call a ‘lovable idiot’. He’s really funny, and a good friend to my husband, but also a complete man child and doesn’t make the best life choices.”
Andrew recently asked for help.
“Like I said, Andrew is fun to be around but doesn’t have the best judgment.”
“Throughout the years, he’s blown his money on toys (motorcycle, 4 wheeler, etc.) and only has $2k saved up.”
“Last week he approached my husband asking if he could move in with us for the next 9 months in order to save money.”
“He said he can’t save much each month due to the cost of his rent and he’s really wanting to finally start saving and accumulate some funds for a down payment on a house and also save enough to pay off some of the loans he took out for his toys.”
The OP had some concerns about the request.
“I love Andrew. He was the best man at our wedding. But I don’t think I could tolerate living with him.”
“Since they’re childhood friends, when Andrew comes around, he and my husband act like teenagers. They drink, play video games, wrestle with each other… it’s like a middle school bromance.”
“I think it’s hilarious and all in good fun when it’s just once a week or biweekly that they’re hanging out. But I don’t think I could handle it for 9 months.”
“To top it all off, my husband and I just had a baby in January who is barely 6 months old yet.”
“I just want my husband and I to focus on our family and the big adjustments that come in the first couple of years of having our first baby.”
But her feelings about it were increasingly mixed.
“I feel bad that Andrew is in a financial predicament but fail to see how that’s my fault.”
“When I told my husband no, I could tell he was disappointed and he tried to argue with me about it.”
“I’m starting to feel bad because like I said Andrew is a good friend and I’m sure would let my husband live with him if roles were reversed.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned the specifics of the best friend’s plan.
“Just say no! this is a recipe for disaster.”
“Nobody will win in this situation, your husband can’t see it now but this could potentially ruin his relationship with you and with his friend in the long term.”
“If Andrew doesn’t want to leave after the 9 months he will get mad at your husband once he kicks him out… if you start having issues with Andrew after a couple of weeks it will end up in fights with him and with your husband.”
“I think Andrew is extremely immature and selfish to ask to move in with a couple that just had a baby. Your husband has a bunch of good excuses to say ‘NO’ which any good friend would easily understand (stress with a new baby! enough said) so just be firm and tell him to say no.” – xporte
“NTA. Andrew is a grown man, you and your husband have started a family. Now is not the time to turn your home into a frat house.”
“We’d all like to be in a position to help friends who have made questionable choices but he chose buying toys over fiscal responsibility. He needs to bail himself out.” – highwoodshady
“Don’t even compromise with a couple of months. He’ll just never go and he’ll actually have rights after a while.”
“Who’s paying for his food, bills, meals, etc? Your quality of life will be massively compromised, whilst your HB gets to be a teenager again.”
“You’re also bringing up a baby which can be tiring, draining, and messy. You might want privacy for this too – at 6 months, are you nursing?”
“Chances are he’ll want to invite friends to ‘his’ home too once he moves in.”
“Your HB will likely regress and you’ll be the only one bringing up a baby and clearing up, you’ll become the ‘nagging wife’, the killjoy, every time you ask HB to revert to the adult relationship.”
“It’ll cause friction between you, he’s already disappointed and arguing against you because it benefits him. It impacts negatively on you, though.”
“He’s not asking to stay for a week – it’s 9 whole months. Too big an ask, the fact that he can ask and your HB is all for it, shows that they haven’t thought it through or considered your feelings.”
“Can guarantee he’s unlikely to save any money at all as he’ll be too comfortable.”
“It’s a big fat no. Your HB has to see that. It’s not just his home to say yes to this situation” – HighRiseCat
Others suggested how the best friend could improve his current situation.
“Then he needs to sell his expensive toys and grow the f**k up. He’s not going to attract ‘the one’ with his current goofy frat boy image.” – FarticusUnicornicus
“Well, then he should take those steps, clinging on to your husband’s coattails won’t get him there. You have a brand new baby, it’s inappropriate for him to ask to move in. That shows he’s not grown-up enough to be in the house with a 6- to 15-month-old.”
“I don’t think it would be kind to let him stay, as you wouldn’t be helping him. You’d just be getting another (potentially another two) people you have to look after.”
“Definitely better to give him some advice/tools (things your husband read to become financially literate, CV advice, that kind of thing) instead.” – loxima
“He can sell some of his toys. if he genuinely wants to start saving. They’re superfluous, and expensive, but he wants to have all of it and is making your life uncomfortable to get it.”
“9 months isn’t enough time to get a house deposit. He’s unrealistic and imposing on you.”
“He’s not destitute by a long way, his situation is his own doing. Why is your HB being so big-hearted about it? He’s more concerned about his friend than you and the baby.” – HighRiseCat
“He is also a single guy with no kids. He has a job that enables him to at least live alone and buy things, even though he is stretched thin from it.”
“What I am saying is, Andrew can just… stop? He can get rid of the toys, get a roommate and just stop acting like a dodo.”
“I am sure we have all met people who are in terrible financial situations, way worse than Andrew, who don’t have the ability to just knock it off.”
“People who are out of work or in a low-paying job, unable to find work to support themselves. People with medical issues, dependents, and all sorts of horrible crap they can’t control.”
“Andrew just can stop being overspending and downsize. Tons of financially bad-off people would love to have that problem.”
“I think it just astounds me after seeing people work multiple jobs and still stress about paying bills, that this guy pulls this.”
“I actually bet OP would be more receptive to helping Andrew out if he was just legit down on his luck and trying to get out of it. As it is, it is a guy who wants to move in with a family with a newborn and have them take care of him so he can just save up.”
“Just sell the toys and get a roommate Andrew.” – just-peepin-at-u
Though helping those we love is totally second nature to some of us, there are certain realities that limit us from being able to do that. Just having a baby could very well be one of those reasons, which the subReddit agreed, was way more than enough of a reason.