There’s a joke going around on social media that the Millennial version of a mid-life crisis is collecting items and starting hobbies that their Boomer parents frowned upon, did not allow in their homes, or could not afford.
It’s understandable, then, how these collections and hobbies would quickly become sentimental, not to mention a sore point if criticized, reasoned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ApplicationWifey1234 grew up in poverty, and in her late twenties, she started being able to look for and collection now-vintage toys that she dreamed of when she was little.
But her future husband and her future sister-in-law were critical of her “childish” and “weird” collection.
Ironically, the collection wasn’t so “weird” when the sister-in-law asked if her children could play with the collection, but when she went even so far as to ask if the children could take some of the toys home, the Original Poster (OP) refused, especially after the criticism.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not giving my toy collection to my sister-in-law’s kids?”
The OP didn’t grow up with a lot.
“I am 28 (Female), and I grew up in poverty. My parents barely kept a roof over our heads or fed us.”
“But they gave my brother and me a proper education. We won scholarships in private schools.”
“But the things other kids had always left us in tears, as we couldn’t afford them. We also faced mocking from rich relatives, cousins, and schoolmates.”
“We promised ourselves, we would reach a new level of success and wouldn’t let others mock us.”
The OP and her brother worked hard to build better lives for themselves.
“I studied hard, cleared the bank exam at the age of 22, and am working as a manager in a bank with a six-figure cheque in my country.”
“My elder brother is even doing better working for an international MNC and is making double compared to mine.”
“Last year, we both purchased duplexes in the same building, and though the mortgage is high, it is worth the investment and giving our parents good living conditions.”
“He also married an angel named Rebecca who works at a reputable job.”
The OP’s future husband and sister-in-law did not understand where she was coming from.
“I am dating Jack (30 Male), and we just got engaged. He comes from upper-middle-class family, and we are very different.”
“He finds my toy room ‘weird’ for my age. But it is a dream collection of all those toys that I wanted as a kid, ranging from teddy bears to Barbie dolls to remote cars to PlayStation. It is my holy grail.”
“So he doesn’t question it anymore. It even has vintage TV video games from Super Mario and others.”
“His elder sister, Trisha (38 Female), and her two kids (12 Female and 10 Male) visited my house with him. Trisha has always been passive-aggressive towards me, and I feel she looks down upon my background but has never directly said so.”
Ironically, the OP’s lifestyle was “good enough” for the sister-in-law when it benefited her kids.
“I showed her around my duplex, and she made comments ranging from my wall decorations to furniture. I let it go.”
“When her kids saw my room, they asked me to let them play, I allowed them.”
“When they were leaving, her kids asked me to give them some of my car and doll collection and my vintage Super Mario. I refused.”
“Jack and Trisha said to me that I am too old for all this and that I should give some of them to the kids who are going to be my family. I still refused.”
“She left in a hurry with her kids, who started crying after I refused.”
The OP’s future husband chose his sister’s comfort over the OP’s lifestyle.
“Jack and I had a huge fight afterwards. We don’t live together but hang out together often at each other’s places.”
“He told me to grow up, and I told him these collections are my childhood dreams, that she envies that I have them, and I am never sharing them with anyone else besides my kids.”
“I told him that when we marry, I will gift to his family members on occasion, but these are a part of my private collection and aren’t up for discussion.”
“Now he is giving me the cold shoulder. I didn’t mean to make kids cry, but as a kid, I was taught by my parents not to demand things at other people’s homes, even when we were poor.”
“Rebecca is on my side, too. But my brother says that I am doing the same that other kids did to us, including our cousins. But I don’t see it as the same. Trisha and her husband are well-to-do and could buy these toys for their children without blinking.”
“We are meeting today and I will tell him the differences in our growing up and why these toys matter to me. I don’t like to talk about my childhood much. But I hope this might open his eyes.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was totally NTA for refusing to gift the toys.
“NTA. You don’t have to give anyone your belongings, family or not. The kids should be taught that they can’t take other people’s things and to appreciate you letting them play with your stuff.” – reeves-turtle
“NTA. I might walk into her home and see her new bag or a chair I like or some expensive toiletries. Would it be okay to ask her to give those to me? No. Same goes for her kids and your toys.”
“My partner has what some would consider toys: Lego and action figures mostly, and I have some cuddly toys and nostalgic children’s books. It’s not that weird for adults to have some things like this in their homes. Maybe a whole room is a bit much, but it’s your room, your home, and your money. The fact that you said there’s a vintage TV and old school games makes it sound like a gaming room and is a total vibe.”
“You said you don’t live together yet, so I would potentially ask him what his expectations are for when you do live together, as it sounds like he might not want you to have this space in a shared home, and that might be a deal breaker for you. I honestly hope it is…” – NotAgainHel15
“Please remind him that each time these children are rewarded for rude and entitled behavior, they become more rude and entitled.”
“Who knows what they will decide a person must give to them, regardless of that person’s feelings or wishes, in the future. To put a fine point on it, entitled children become entitled thieves, whether it’s shoplifting, fraud, embezzlement, private equity, or sexual coercion.”
“The question is twofold: 1. Why should I be asked to give up something of mine I wish to keep, and 2. Why should these children’s rude and entitled behavior be rewarded and encouraged?”
“Frankly, even if I had planned on gifting a child one of my possessions they’d admired, I would refuse them if they asked for it. Not out of pique, although their rudeness would annoy me, but to discourage entitled behavior.”
“A monster is a person whose demanded wants [not needs] were always rewarded by those who could refuse them but chose not to. Eventually, the resultant ego takes without bothering to ask at all.” – KombuchaBot
“NTA. She isn’t even your sister-in-law yet and already has the audacity. People don’t teach manners to kids these days or what? My Asian mom would just raise her eyebrows and her wide eyes were enough to shut me and my siblings, if we acted like this as kids.”
“I think it is time to change boyfriends if he keeps acting like this. You deserve better. You have achieved so much. Be proud of yourself.” – tablesssssss
“Not to be too harsh, but you shouldn’t have to give him a long sob story to explain why you’re not giving away your own stuff.”
“Question: Would he want your future kids to feel entitled to demand that other people give them things? Are there other things you own that he feels you need to motivate him?” – Logical_Warthog3230
Others agreed and cautioned the OP about entering this marriage and family.
“NTA, but why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t stand up for you when his family crosses boundaries and doesn’t support what makes you happy?” – darknessbeyond
“I would be afraid he would do something vindictive after marriage, like give them away or sell them. Something tells me he thinks OP will give up the hobby after they’re married and are living together. Like she won’t be allowed to have it anymore. I hope she doesn’t marry him.” – Betty_snootsandpoops
“I hate the fact that he’s not on her side. The niblings are being entitled, demanding that she give them her belongings. That’s out of order as it is.”
“With the exception of something to eat or drink, my parents would have been horrified if my brother or I ever asked someone, relative or not, to give us something that didn’t belong to us. Asking Mom to buy us a comic book is one thing, but asking someone to give us their comic book is quite another.”
“And, the lecture about rudeness and entitlement would be more than unpleasant because I would know they were right and because of how horrible it would feel to have disappointed them.”
“Far worse than the children’s behavior is that of the parents and uncle. I refer to children like this as Little Monsters, which might sound harsh. Sure, creating a brat makes the world a slightly less pleasant place for everybody. And, the person it hurts worst is the child, as decent people will simply choose not to associate with them.”
“But that is just in the present. Children grow up; teaching a child to pressure someone into giving up something of theirs they don’t want to give is a recipe for creating a predator. Little Monsters, unless they are corrected rather than humored or gratified, become Big Monsters.” – GertyFish11
“I am like you, and I love collecting vintage video games and vintage consoles. When my man heard about this, he uplifted me, and once in a blue moon, he gifts me something to add to my collection.”
“You are still a young woman, and I believe you deserve someone who will uphold the things you find beautiful instead of bullying you to give them away. I hope your man can change.”
“But in case he can’t, just know… You deserve to be loved.” – Any-Dragonfruit3961
“Make sure you get a good lock for that door and keep it locked at all times when you’re not in it. Trust us, stuff will go missing since he thinks you’re too old for it all.”
“NTA.”
“It’s a good thing he is showing his colors now. Does your country have something like a prenuptial agreement that protects all your assets? See how he reacts when you bring that up? It’s a very telling question and answer setup.” – sigharewedoneyet
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“So that day, Jack I planned to have a meeting, but before our meeting, he called me, and he was very emotional. He apologized and told me his mother, Riley, talked some sense into his brain. He asked my permission to bring his mom and Trisha. I accepted it.”
“When they arrived, Riley simply asked me to narrate the whole thing. I told her everything about how Trisha and her kids demanded my toys. I told her about the sentimental value of those toys.”
“I told her about passive-aggressive comments of Trisha and how I felt Jack never supported me.”
The OP’s future mother-in-law had the OP’s back.
“Trisha tried to shout and interrupt, but her mother stopped her and gave them a verbal lashing that lasted for several minutes. I wish I could be so confrontational.”
“She told Trisha to discipline her kids and told her that I am going to be her sister-in-law and that she needs to change her ways if she ever wants a relationship in the future because I am going to be family and her daughter-in-law.”
“Jack was emotional and apologized. He said he realized now the importance of all this.”
“I told him I might forgive him but not forget this. He asked me for a chance. So we are going to try couples therapy.”
“Riley told him that I am a wonderful person and he should learn to value me more.”
“Jack also told Trisha that her hateful comments won’t pass again and that if he ever sees her putting me down, he will break contact with her.”
“Trisha apologized, but I could see it wasn’t from the heart.”
The OP set a new boundary with the family.
“I told her we need a break, and I wouldn’t allow her and her kids at my home for some time. After that, Riley ended the meeting, and she and Trisha left.”
“Riley and I were always nice to each other but not close. This incident has brought us close, and we talked even today on a call for 30 minutes. Jack is staying with me and has apologized a lot since. We have booked a couples therapy appointment, and our wedding plans are still on.”
“Thanks, everyone, for your feedback. I know many told me to break up and I appreciate it. Jack has been wonderful to me in many other ways. This was a road bump that we overcame, and I believe in working on the relationship. Still, I respect all the feedback.”
But many Redditors were not convinced that Jack was redeemable.
“None of this matters because you will never be able to trust Jack.”
“You should walk away from this family. They do not deserve you.” – Apprehensive_Steak28
“It’s great that your mother-in-law supports you 100%, but I don’t know about Trisha, if she comes back to your house with her children, put your collection under lock and key if that’s possible.”
“You’re not safe from one of the two children trying to steal something from you, and given Trisha’s behavior, she would be capable of saying nothing about it.” – 2dogs1life
“I am glad that you didn’t back down and kept your precious treasure to yourself, but I still don’t like Jack, and the fact that Trisha didn’t apologize from the heart, really says that this is not going to be the first or last time an argument like this might happen.”
“I would say keep a close eye on Jack, but also keep him at a distance from your house because like you said, you can forgive but not forget, and the fact that he was so quick to dismiss your feelings about your sentimental toys and stuff that represent your childhood envy, just because of his sister and even after you told him about it, doesn’t really strike me as someone who’s going to learn so quickly.”
“As always, NTA OP, and keep enjoying your life and your toys, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. They can just pound rocks for all you and I care.” – chichi9898986
“The reality is Jack took his sister’s side and dismissed YOURS. He didn’t even pretend to support or understand you, just got mad that his sister didn’t get her way. And he is only ‘remorseful’ because his MOM read him the riot act.”
“At no point was this resolved because he respected you, or what you wanted. His default sense of who is important is his sister and his mother. Things like that don’t change. In fact, if Riley didn’t see anything wrong in what her children were doing, you’d probably be single now.”
“Until you are the most important person in his life, he is NOT a partner. Even if you believe he’s changed, it will take a long time to prove it.” – JunkMail0604
“Jack is the problem, you know. Luckily, his mom was on your side. But take note, it may not always be that way, and Jack will never take your side over his original family.” – residentcaprice
While the subReddit was relieved that there was finally an OP with a supportive mother-in-law, they were less enthused about the current state of the OP’s relationship and future. Jack had already given in to his sister’s wishes once, and there was no telling if he would do the same again.
If the OP really wanted to give this relationship a try, she was better off locking up that room whenever she wasn’t in it and potentially minimizing home visits from her boyfriend’s family as much as possible. Since they were so quick to comment on her decor, they’d likely be happier hosting a visit in their homes anyway.