Thanks to social media, we’re now hearing of more problematic, dysfunctional, entitled, and toxic families than ever before. But there are still some that are really there for each other through thick and thin.
However, even for these families, there need to be boundaries, stressed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Careful-Delay7592 understood that her husband wanted to help his family financially, especially as the eldest son to an Indian family.
But when he was sending so much money that it was draining their accounts, and giving her no options to move into a more fulfilling workspace, the Original Poster (OP) knew that she had to speak the truth about the arrangement.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my husband his family is ‘draining’ us?”
The OP ran a successful business with her husband, and they together supported his family.
“I (28 Female) recently married my husband (30 Male) after nearly six years together.”
“We co-run a design consulting business, which I helped build from scratch. I handled client communications, admin, and systems so he could focus on creative work.”
“Things picked up financially a couple of years ago, and I was proud of us both.”
“As soon as the money started flowing, he began heavily supporting his family. They live in India, and he’s the oldest of 12 siblings, several still under 10.”
“So far he’s: bought them a car, paid off their debts, funded his parents’ full wedding (rings, venue, photographer), bought them land to build a home, and sends them $1,200/month.”
The OP became concerned when her mother-in-law insisted it wasn’t enough.
“Now his mom has started reaching out to me, too, asking me to remind him she needs money for nursery fees because she spent everything prepping the land.”
“She also mentioned needing $5,500 more to buy another piece of land to build a rental property for income.”
“This is while they’re already planning a huge house that their current budget likely won’t cover, and again, there’s an unspoken expectation that my husband will step in to fund the rest.”
“Meanwhile: We rent, we don’t have kids, we’re trying to stabilize our income, he’s asked me to contribute more toward our own bills.”
“I’ve told him before that his early financial gestures set the bar really high, and now the expectations just keep growing. I’m not against helping, but it feels like we’re always building someone else’s future while our own life keeps getting delayed.”
The OP offered additional details about their home living situation.
“He’s got a great heart, pays all our bills, and still takes care of his family.”
“The land he paid for was around $60,000 USD, which was a huge blow financially, as he had to save for a few months to make it.”
“Also, he is the breadwinner. I make around 20% what he makes as he’s taken over the company because I didn’t want to work there anymore.”
“To clarify, HIS company doesn’t pay me, I earn 80% less than him from other sources I made for myself. I work 28 hours from home whilst also doing all the household tasks, cooking, cleaning, and grooming him, etc). My outgoing expenses are expensive software I use for work, groceries, and my own clothes when necessary.”
“I am personally around $18k in debt right now, which he knows about. No, I don’t expect him to pay it as he cleared my debt once already. I had been $4000 in debt before due to my not being able to work as I had two major losses in my family and was truly unable to work, so I ended up using my credit cards that year to sustain myself.”
“Also, yes, I understand cultural expectations, but he was born in the US, his parents originally married US citizens to get their stay, and then had him here. They are very cultural, but no, they didn’t invest everything they had to send him to the US; he was born here.”
“AITA for wanting him to set limits, at least until we’ve secured something for ourselves?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some advised the OP that she might be financially abused by her husband and in-laws.
“NTA. Look, sis, you’re being taken advantage of, and it’s time to say it out loud.”
“You built this business together, yet you’re still renting while his family gets land and cars? That’s f**ked up. His mom contacting you directly for money is crossing a line.”
“You’re funding their rental property dreams while you pay rent, seriously? Tell him straight: either you both come first, or this whole thing falls apart.” – Arorua__Mendes
“It’s his culture, and since he is the oldest…. Good luck to you, op. Suggest you set aside your own money and tell him no about contributing more to expenses.”
“If he’s going to stick to his familial culture and practices, then it is on him to pay for your family expenses 100 percent.” – residentcaprice
“There would be no rental income if the property is worth $5500. For India, consider two or three percent the max as annual rental returns. This investment makes no sense if your in-laws are not pitching in a major portion (read more than 75 to 80%) of the property value.”
“Also, as the eldest son, he is supposed to support his family to stand up on their feet (fund education, personal expenses till they are studying or for a year more). Anyone expecting him to fund the life expenses of the entire household is entitled, and most of India won’t consider it a cultural thing.”
“Also, as more and more siblings start earning, everyone starts pitching in for the remaining siblings, reducing the burden on the eldest son.”
“Another thing, most Indians under 35 don’t have 12 siblings, it’s actually so rare that I am yet to meet anyone in 35 years of my existence. Confirm if he is funding his cousins too before settling his own family (you and him, and future kids). That’s a big red flag.” – Emotional_Stranger_5
“Unfortunately, coming from a similar culture, this is the speciation of the eldest son.”
“You can talk to him about setting up boundaries with his family and to try to explain to them you guys have nothing while you send them everything, but if his family fights back, there is a stigma if he doesn’t contribute what his parents ask of him, he brings shame upon himself and his family.”
“It’s a tough spot to be in, but you have to be firm and fight for to it own family.” – maddie8383
“I get not wanting to work at the company anymore, but I hope you have equity in it as a starting partner. If it weren’t for your work, he wouldn’t be in the position to be the breadwinner.”
“He wouldn’t be able to send money to his family. You guys should not be in debt at all while funding his parents’ rental. Stop lighting yourselves on fire to keep others warm.” – aimeec3
Others reassured the OP that it was reasonable to speak the truth to her family.
“Truth is not harsh, it is just the truth. Now, their reaction may be harsh, but you need to stand strong and set boundaries and goals for yourself. Good luck, dear. NTA.” – oldgrandma65
“Truth can definitely be harsh. That said, it also needs to be said. He needs to hear it, and it’ll be harsh, not just the reaction, but actually hearing it, but if he understands where she’s coming from, they can work on things together.” – The_Saijijin
“The OP wrote, ‘She also mentioned needing $5,500 more to buy another piece of land to build a rental property for income.'”
“Tell her fine, but if you fund her rental property, she has two choices. She can send you a proportion of the rent that equals your contribution to its purchase (not total price, but if she puts up 40% towards the purchase and you put 60%, then you get 60% of the rental income in perpetuity) or, going forward, the rental income will replace all assistance you and your husband have been providing.”
“Realistically, it seems as if this type of behavior is common in Indian culture. You’ve got to find a way to set boundaries while respecting his need to help his family.” – Somebody_81
“NTA. Does your husband’s family understand your financial and living situation? If your husband is misrepresenting your situation, that’s a problem. If your in-laws know you rent but still expect you to buy them multiple houses, that’s a huge problem.”
“I get supporting family in need. I also understand that there may be cultural expectations when it comes to sharing money with family, and particularly with parents. But your in-laws seem to have endless expectations & demands that you and your husband need to shut down.”
“If your husband wants to continue to support his family, it should come after your needs and after you personally are paid a generous wage for your own use.”
“Does your husband have concerns about the money he’s giving away, or does he just plan to meet their every demand?” – Mermaidtoo
“You know, there is that saying that goes, ‘Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.'”
“In this instance, their warmth is flaming hot and is well above their needs. Like, if your partner’s parents needed life-saving money, sure, but is your family getting the same treatment?”
“I doubt it.” – DreamyHalcyon
Some could understand wanting to help the family out, but there had to be limits.
At some point, the OP and her husband would have to put more into themselves to grow their family and wealth so their family could still be prosperous after his aging parents were gone.
They’d have little to show for it if they gave everything to his parents and nothing to themselves.