Thanks to social media, we're now hearing of more problematic, dysfunctional, entitled, and toxic families than ever before. But there are still some that are really there for each other through thick and thin.
However, even for these families, there need to be boundaries, stressed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Careful-Delay7592 understood that her husband wanted to help his family financially, especially as the eldest son to an Indian family.
But when he was sending so much money that it was draining their accounts, and giving her no options to move into a more fulfilling workspace, the Original Poster (OP) knew that she had to speak the truth about the arrangement.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my husband his family is 'draining' us?"
The OP ran a successful business with her husband, and they together supported his family.
"I (28 Female) recently married my husband (30 Male) after nearly six years together."
"We co-run a design consulting business, which I helped build from scratch. I handled client communications, admin, and systems so he could focus on creative work."
"Things picked up financially a couple of years ago, and I was proud of us both."
"As soon as the money started flowing, he began heavily supporting his family. They live in India, and he's the oldest of 12 siblings, several still under 10."
"So far he's: bought them a car, paid off their debts, funded his parents' full wedding (rings, venue, photographer), bought them land to build a home, and sends them $1,200/month."
The OP became concerned when her mother-in-law insisted it wasn't enough.
"Now his mom has started reaching out to me, too, asking me to remind him she needs money for nursery fees because she spent everything prepping the land."
"She also mentioned needing $5,500 more to buy another piece of land to build a rental property for income."
"This is while they're already planning a huge house that their current budget likely won't cover, and again, there's an unspoken expectation that my husband will step in to fund the rest."
"Meanwhile: We rent, we don't have kids, we're trying to stabilize our income, he's asked me to contribute more toward our own bills."
"I've told him before that his early financial gestures set the bar really high, and now the expectations just keep growing. I'm not against helping, but it feels like we're always building someone else's future while our own life keeps getting delayed."
The OP offered additional details about their home living situation.
"He's got a great heart, pays all our bills, and still takes care of his family."
"The land he paid for was around $60,000 USD, which was a huge blow financially, as he had to save for a few months to make it."
"Also, he is the breadwinner. I make around 20% what he makes as he's taken over the company because I didn't want to work there anymore."
"To clarify, HIS company doesn't pay me, I earn 80% less than him from other sources I made for myself. I work 28 hours from home whilst also doing all the household tasks, cooking, cleaning, and grooming him, etc). My outgoing expenses are expensive software I use for work, groceries, and my own clothes when necessary."
"I am personally around $18k in debt right now, which he knows about. No, I don't expect him to pay it as he cleared my debt once already. I had been $4000 in debt before due to my not being able to work as I had two major losses in my family and was truly unable to work, so I ended up using my credit cards that year to sustain myself."
"Also, yes, I understand cultural expectations, but he was born in the US, his parents originally married US citizens to get their stay, and then had him here. They are very cultural, but no, they didn't invest everything they had to send him to the US; he was born here."
"AITA for wanting him to set limits, at least until we've secured something for ourselves?""AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some advised the OP that she might be financially abused by her husband and in-laws.
"NTA. Look, sis, you're being taken advantage of, and it's time to say it out loud."
"You built this business together, yet you're still renting while his family gets land and cars? That's f**ked up. His mom contacting you directly for money is crossing a line."
"You're funding their rental property dreams while you pay rent, seriously? Tell him straight: either you both come first, or this whole thing falls apart." - Arorua__Mendes
"It's his culture, and since he is the oldest.... Good luck to you, op. Suggest you set aside your own money and tell him no about contributing more to expenses."
"If he's going to stick to his familial culture and practices, then it is on him to pay for your family expenses 100 percent." - residentcaprice
"There would be no rental income if the property is worth $5500. For India, consider two or three percent the max as annual rental returns. This investment makes no sense if your in-laws are not pitching in a major portion (read more than 75 to 80%) of the property value."
"Also, as the eldest son, he is supposed to support his family to stand up on their feet (fund education, personal expenses till they are studying or for a year more). Anyone expecting him to fund the life expenses of the entire household is entitled, and most of India won't consider it a cultural thing."
"Also, as more and more siblings start earning, everyone starts pitching in for the remaining siblings, reducing the burden on the eldest son."
"Another thing, most Indians under 35 don't have 12 siblings, it's actually so rare that I am yet to meet anyone in 35 years of my existence. Confirm if he is funding his cousins too before settling his own family (you and him, and future kids). That's a big red flag." - Emotional_Stranger_5
"Unfortunately, coming from a similar culture, this is the speciation of the eldest son."
"You can talk to him about setting up boundaries with his family and to try to explain to them you guys have nothing while you send them everything, but if his family fights back, there is a stigma if he doesn't contribute what his parents ask of him, he brings shame upon himself and his family."
"It's a tough spot to be in, but you have to be firm and fight for to it own family." - maddie8383
"I get not wanting to work at the company anymore, but I hope you have equity in it as a starting partner. If it weren't for your work, he wouldn't be in the position to be the breadwinner."
"He wouldn't be able to send money to his family. You guys should not be in debt at all while funding his parents' rental. Stop lighting yourselves on fire to keep others warm." - aimeec3
Others reassured the OP that it was reasonable to speak the truth to her family.
"Truth is not harsh, it is just the truth. Now, their reaction may be harsh, but you need to stand strong and set boundaries and goals for yourself. Good luck, dear. NTA." - oldgrandma65
"Truth can definitely be harsh. That said, it also needs to be said. He needs to hear it, and it'll be harsh, not just the reaction, but actually hearing it, but if he understands where she's coming from, they can work on things together." - The_Saijijin
"The OP wrote, 'She also mentioned needing $5,500 more to buy another piece of land to build a rental property for income.'"
"Tell her fine, but if you fund her rental property, she has two choices. She can send you a proportion of the rent that equals your contribution to its purchase (not total price, but if she puts up 40% towards the purchase and you put 60%, then you get 60% of the rental income in perpetuity) or, going forward, the rental income will replace all assistance you and your husband have been providing."
"Realistically, it seems as if this type of behavior is common in Indian culture. You've got to find a way to set boundaries while respecting his need to help his family." - Somebody_81
"NTA. Does your husband's family understand your financial and living situation? If your husband is misrepresenting your situation, that's a problem. If your in-laws know you rent but still expect you to buy them multiple houses, that's a huge problem."
"I get supporting family in need. I also understand that there may be cultural expectations when it comes to sharing money with family, and particularly with parents. But your in-laws seem to have endless expectations & demands that you and your husband need to shut down."
"If your husband wants to continue to support his family, it should come after your needs and after you personally are paid a generous wage for your own use."
"Does your husband have concerns about the money he's giving away, or does he just plan to meet their every demand?" - Mermaidtoo
"You know, there is that saying that goes, 'Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.'"
"In this instance, their warmth is flaming hot and is well above their needs. Like, if your partner's parents needed life-saving money, sure, but is your family getting the same treatment?"
"I doubt it." - DreamyHalcyon
Some could understand wanting to help the family out, but there had to be limits.
At some point, the OP and her husband would have to put more into themselves to grow their family and wealth so their family could still be prosperous after his aging parents were gone.
They'd have little to show for it if they gave everything to his parents and nothing to themselves.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp