In 1980 in the sixth grade, the girls in my class were taken to the library to watch a filmstrip cartoon created by Kotex sometime during the 1960s to teach us about the "miracle of menstruation" complete with flowers and rainbows.
By that time, I'd had my period for years. I got mine when I was 8 years old. What can I say—I'm an overachiever.
In the 1980s, they told us to expect our period around age 13. My Mother said she got hers at age 16 back in 1960, which she said was later than most, but not yet uncommon.
The average age now is 11. Waiting to teach children about menstruation and sex until they're teenagers is well past the time they'll be able to actually get pregnant.
But some people think we're still in the 19th century when the average age for a first period was 16-18 years old.
An uncle whose visiting 11-year-old niece was unprepared turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after helping her.
Cimnamonyeti asked:
"AITA for not waiting for my sister before helping my niece with her first period?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I work from home (28, male) and sometimes watch my niece (11) when she stays over if my sister (34) has to work late."
"Yesterday, my sister dropped my niece off and we followed our usual routine and hung out like always until it was time for her to go to bed. A few hours later as I was just starting to go to sleep, my niece yelled for me from the bathroom."
"When I came to the door, she sounded panicked and told me she thinks she has blood 'down there'. I asked if it could be her period and she said she never had one before."
"I called my sister once, but she didn't pick up and I didn't wanna disturb her at work by spam calling. I was freaking out and called my girlfriend."
"She said she was on her way over and I gave my phone to my niece so they could talk. I just got a towel so she could shower and my girlfriend came over with the goods."
"Niece and girlfriend talked and everything calmed down."
"When my sister got off of work and came to get my niece/take her to school, I told her what had happened and she got mad at me saying I overstepped and I should've called her."
"When I said I did she said I should've waited for an answer. That went on for a bit until she left."
"Should I apologize?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I think I could be the a**hole because I didn't make more of an effort to get in contact with my sister first."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Speaking as a woman, you handled this situation extremely well. You didn't have time to wait for your niece's mother."
"You contacted the first supportive female you could reach, which was the right thing to do. Your girlfriend was able to quickly help your niece, woman-to-woman. Well done, sir." ~ Wild_Ticket1413
"Completely agree, NTA…but your sister is."
"Many girls are starting their periods at ages 9-10 these days. Your sister should have prepared her daughter for what to expect so there wouldn't be a reason to panic, and also equipped her with a stash of 'just in case' supplies."
"And who the f*ck expects her child to sit around and free bleed until mom can be bothered to check in‽‽ SMDH!"
"Mad respect that your niece trusted you enough to help her with such a personal need in a time of distress."
"My mom was pretty awful to me growing up, I couldn't even bring myself to tell her for days when I first got mine, I was embarrassed and didn't want to have to ask her for supplies." ~ Disastrous_Photo_388
"This. 100% this. Your sister failed her daughter by not preparing her. By the time my daughter was 11, half her friends had had their first periods."
"By the time she was 11 she had a 'go bag' in her school backpack with pads, panty liners, a spare pair of undies, a pair of black leggings for backup and a pair of wet wipes. She understood how to use the products."
"The fact that your sister never had had this conversation with your 11 year old niece is pretty appalling. And, to expect her daughter to just... what... wait while free bleeding for hours so she could play mom is actually kind of sick. NTA." ~ Organic-Willow2835
"NTA. I get your sister feels she missed a milestone, but she's unreasonable to say you should have waited."
"How would that go? 'Sorry niece, I don't know what's happening to you. That bleeding is totally not anything I know about, good luck, don't panic'."
"She got what she needed, got cleaned up, and her and mom can have a more in depth convo still. But your niece shouldn't have to sit there and worry until mom shows up. That's dumb."
"She also shouldn't have to sit in soiled clothing. She shouldn't have to sit on the toilet for god knows how long."
"There's a whole list of things she shouldn't have to do, and none of those include 'shouldn't have to have someone comfort her and explain a big change'." ~ justlemmeread
"This. But also, your girlfriend deserves major accolades for handling this so well!"
"Your sister has only herself to blame in this situation, and she's like far too many other women who want the first period to be this Big Meaningful Moment like we've all been cast in a Judy Blume book."
"The reality is that periods suck. Getting your first period just means you can no longer avoid it for the next thirty or forty years. With your niece freaking out, it sounds like your sister didn't prepare her."
"My daughters are 15 and 17. We talked, I bought them products, and we talked again. They were so prepared that my older daughter didn't even tell me when she started her period."
"She came to me one day and said she needed more pads. I asked her what happened to the ones I'd already bought, and she told me she had started her period three months earlier and had already used up her supply." ~ SincerelyCynical
"Your sister needs to quit blowing off phone calls if she wants to be there for all milestones. I am glad your niece had someone caring there to help her. As your sister should be."
"What did your sister expect? For your niece to sit on the toilet all night until she bothered to return the call? NTA." ~ laughingsbetter
"Some moms regard their daughter's first period as a milestone. I personally think these moms are warped."
"It is a milestone for decades of misery. Not that menopause is any picnic, but I was so thrilled to be losing the monthly drag." ~ Variable_Cost
"What your niece needed was for the first time to be handled right, waiting around for her mother would've been really stressful. You got a sympathetic woman to come, bring her 'the goods' and be supportive. That was exactly the right thing to do. NTA."
"Your sister should have talked with her daughter in advance and provided her with supplies in case this happened. She also needs to be realistic that this was very likely to happen at a time when she wasn't around."
"She is the a**hole, both because she thinks her feelings matter more than her daughter's and because she told you off when you handled this really well." ~ slinkimalinki
"Your sister expected you to keep her daughter bloody and panicky? NTA." ~ NeighborhoodSuper592
"She's lucky to have you for an uncle and it's wonderful she felt comfortable with you and that you found a supportive woman to help her. You tried to contact Sis, but this required an immediate response."
"NTA, but your sister is acting like one. Probably just guilt for not being there when her daughter needed her, but it's her first, not her last period." ~ insomniacmomof3
"NTA What did your sister expect: that you'd leave your niece panicked and bleeding all over her clothes from her first period until your sister deigned to answer her phone? You absolutely did the right thing!" ~ Leading-Knowledge712
"NTA but when she calms down it might be a good moment to discuss what circumstances require repeated calls. You did the best you could at the time."
"I don't see a need for an apology for how you handled it, but I don't have a relationship with your sister to know the best way to move things forward."
"It is actually concerning that she did not phone you back to see why she had missed a call from you."
"It is also may be more about her guilt of not being there for her daughter and she is redirecting those negative feelings towards you. She needs to deal with it." ~ gelfbo
"NTA, and you did GOOD. OMG, soo good. You didn't freak out. You DID call her mom. You called your GF so a woman could help."
"Seriously, you did AMAZING. I was freaked the f*ck out when I got my first period, so for my daughter (who hated talking about body stuff) I gave her a book on her body, and a make-up bag with wipes and a pad to carry with her just in case."
"Your niece is lucky to have you. And I love that she trusted you enough to talk to you and you handled it so well."
"I get your sister feels 'left out'. But my kid had only me to rely on. Remind your sister GENTLY that her daughter is lucky to have more than just her mom to depend on. YOU ROCK!" ~ Annual_Version_6250
The OP provided an update:
"Thanks for the feedback!"
"I now have a better understanding of why my sister might have been upset, but I also see that it wasn't completely unacceptable for me to try to help the way that I did."
"Sister and I will probably have a talk sometime soon."
Best of luck to the OP for that conversation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp