In 1980 in the sixth grade, the girls in my class were taken to the library to watch a filmstrip cartoon created by Kotex sometime during the 1960s to teach us about the “miracle of menstruation” complete with flowers and rainbows.
By that time, I’d had my period for years. I got mine when I was 8 years old. What can I say—I’m an overachiever.
In the 1980s, they told us to expect our period around age 13. My Mother said she got hers at age 16 back in 1960, which she said was later than most, but not yet uncommon.
The average age now is 11. Waiting to teach children about menstruation and sex until they’re teenagers is well past the time they’ll be able to actually get pregnant.
But some people think we’re still in the 19th century when the average age for a first period was 16-18 years old.
An uncle whose visiting 11-year-old niece was unprepared turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after helping her.
Cimnamonyeti asked:
“AITA for not waiting for my sister before helping my niece with her first period?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I work from home (28, male) and sometimes watch my niece (11) when she stays over if my sister (34) has to work late.”
“Yesterday, my sister dropped my niece off and we followed our usual routine and hung out like always until it was time for her to go to bed. A few hours later as I was just starting to go to sleep, my niece yelled for me from the bathroom.”
“When I came to the door, she sounded panicked and told me she thinks she has blood ‘down there’. I asked if it could be her period and she said she never had one before.”
“I called my sister once, but she didn’t pick up and I didn’t wanna disturb her at work by spam calling. I was freaking out and called my girlfriend.”
“She said she was on her way over and I gave my phone to my niece so they could talk. I just got a towel so she could shower and my girlfriend came over with the goods.”
“Niece and girlfriend talked and everything calmed down.”
“When my sister got off of work and came to get my niece/take her to school, I told her what had happened and she got mad at me saying I overstepped and I should’ve called her.”
“When I said I did she said I should’ve waited for an answer. That went on for a bit until she left.”
“Should I apologize?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I think I could be the a**hole because I didn’t make more of an effort to get in contact with my sister first.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Speaking as a woman, you handled this situation extremely well. You didn’t have time to wait for your niece’s mother.”
“You contacted the first supportive female you could reach, which was the right thing to do. Your girlfriend was able to quickly help your niece, woman-to-woman. Well done, sir.” ~ Wild_Ticket1413
“Completely agree, NTA…but your sister is.”
“Many girls are starting their periods at ages 9-10 these days. Your sister should have prepared her daughter for what to expect so there wouldn’t be a reason to panic, and also equipped her with a stash of ‘just in case’ supplies.”
“And who the f*ck expects her child to sit around and free bleed until mom can be bothered to check in‽‽ SMDH!”
“Mad respect that your niece trusted you enough to help her with such a personal need in a time of distress.”
“My mom was pretty awful to me growing up, I couldn’t even bring myself to tell her for days when I first got mine, I was embarrassed and didn’t want to have to ask her for supplies.” ~ Disastrous_Photo_388
“This. 100% this. Your sister failed her daughter by not preparing her. By the time my daughter was 11, half her friends had had their first periods.”
“By the time she was 11 she had a ‘go bag’ in her school backpack with pads, panty liners, a spare pair of undies, a pair of black leggings for backup and a pair of wet wipes. She understood how to use the products.”
“The fact that your sister never had had this conversation with your 11 year old niece is pretty appalling. And, to expect her daughter to just… what… wait while free bleeding for hours so she could play mom is actually kind of sick. NTA.” ~ Organic-Willow2835
“NTA. I get your sister feels she missed a milestone, but she’s unreasonable to say you should have waited.”
“How would that go? ‘Sorry niece, I don’t know what’s happening to you. That bleeding is totally not anything I know about, good luck, don’t panic’.”
“She got what she needed, got cleaned up, and her and mom can have a more in depth convo still. But your niece shouldn’t have to sit there and worry until mom shows up. That’s dumb.”
“She also shouldn’t have to sit in soiled clothing. She shouldn’t have to sit on the toilet for god knows how long.”
“There’s a whole list of things she shouldn’t have to do, and none of those include ‘shouldn’t have to have someone comfort her and explain a big change’.” ~ justlemmeread
“This. But also, your girlfriend deserves major accolades for handling this so well!”
“Your sister has only herself to blame in this situation, and she’s like far too many other women who want the first period to be this Big Meaningful Moment like we’ve all been cast in a Judy Blume book.”
“The reality is that periods suck. Getting your first period just means you can no longer avoid it for the next thirty or forty years. With your niece freaking out, it sounds like your sister didn’t prepare her.”
“My daughters are 15 and 17. We talked, I bought them products, and we talked again. They were so prepared that my older daughter didn’t even tell me when she started her period.”
“She came to me one day and said she needed more pads. I asked her what happened to the ones I’d already bought, and she told me she had started her period three months earlier and had already used up her supply.” ~ SincerelyCynical
“Your sister needs to quit blowing off phone calls if she wants to be there for all milestones. I am glad your niece had someone caring there to help her. As your sister should be.”
“What did your sister expect? For your niece to sit on the toilet all night until she bothered to return the call? NTA.” ~ laughingsbetter
“Some moms regard their daughter’s first period as a milestone. I personally think these moms are warped.”
“It is a milestone for decades of misery. Not that menopause is any picnic, but I was so thrilled to be losing the monthly drag.” ~ Variable_Cost
“What your niece needed was for the first time to be handled right, waiting around for her mother would’ve been really stressful. You got a sympathetic woman to come, bring her ‘the goods’ and be supportive. That was exactly the right thing to do. NTA.”
“Your sister should have talked with her daughter in advance and provided her with supplies in case this happened. She also needs to be realistic that this was very likely to happen at a time when she wasn’t around.”
“She is the a**hole, both because she thinks her feelings matter more than her daughter’s and because she told you off when you handled this really well.” ~ slinkimalinki
“Your sister expected you to keep her daughter bloody and panicky? NTA.” ~ NeighborhoodSuper592
“She’s lucky to have you for an uncle and it’s wonderful she felt comfortable with you and that you found a supportive woman to help her. You tried to contact Sis, but this required an immediate response.”
“NTA, but your sister is acting like one. Probably just guilt for not being there when her daughter needed her, but it’s her first, not her last period.” ~ insomniacmomof3
“NTA What did your sister expect: that you’d leave your niece panicked and bleeding all over her clothes from her first period until your sister deigned to answer her phone? You absolutely did the right thing!” ~ Leading-Knowledge712
“NTA but when she calms down it might be a good moment to discuss what circumstances require repeated calls. You did the best you could at the time.”
“I don’t see a need for an apology for how you handled it, but I don’t have a relationship with your sister to know the best way to move things forward.”
“It is actually concerning that she did not phone you back to see why she had missed a call from you.”
“It is also may be more about her guilt of not being there for her daughter and she is redirecting those negative feelings towards you. She needs to deal with it.” ~ gelfbo
“NTA, and you did GOOD. OMG, soo good. You didn’t freak out. You DID call her mom. You called your GF so a woman could help.”
“Seriously, you did AMAZING. I was freaked the f*ck out when I got my first period, so for my daughter (who hated talking about body stuff) I gave her a book on her body, and a make-up bag with wipes and a pad to carry with her just in case.”
“Your niece is lucky to have you. And I love that she trusted you enough to talk to you and you handled it so well.”
“I get your sister feels ‘left out’. But my kid had only me to rely on. Remind your sister GENTLY that her daughter is lucky to have more than just her mom to depend on. YOU ROCK!” ~ Annual_Version_6250
The OP provided an update:
“Thanks for the feedback!”
“I now have a better understanding of why my sister might have been upset, but I also see that it wasn’t completely unacceptable for me to try to help the way that I did.”
“Sister and I will probably have a talk sometime soon.”
Best of luck to the OP for that conversation.