Tradition is important.
And grief is equally important.
Both never go away.
Sometimes you have to find a perfect union for both.
And others may not understand.
Case in point…
Redditor throwaway_4746749 wanted to discuss their story for some feedback. So naturally they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for telling my girlfriend I’ll keep honoring my best friend’s dying wish even if it makes her uncomfortable?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My late best friend and I knew each other since we were little.”
“We were next-door neighbors and always played together.”
“We even went to the same kindergarten, primary school and middle/high school together.”
“One day during our sophomore year, we started talking about how most of our classmates had started dating.”
“We obviously weren’t okay with that and decided get one up on all of them by getting married.”
“As a joke I made her a fake ring and she gave me her scrunchie”
“A few weeks later, a drunk driver hit her.”
“She sustained multiple injuries and was in the ICU for 2 months.”
“The doctor told her family that her survival chances were slim.”
“In the only time I talked to her before she died, she made me promise to always visit her on our ‘wedding anniversary’ and to wear her scrunchie during the visit.”
“4 years ago when I started dating my girlfriend I told her about it and asked if she was okay with it.”
“She commented about how sweet and nice the tradition was and told me she was perfectly fine with it.”
“Today was the 10th anniversary and I took the day off.”
“Before my girlfriend went to work she told me it’s time to put this tradition to rest and move on.”
“Because it was starting to get pathetic that I still wear a dead girl scrunchie to celebrate a fake marriage that we had 10 years ago.”
“I was furious at her comments because she wasn’t just a ‘dead girl.'”
“She was my best friend and like a sister to me, we grew up and did everything together.”
“I told my girlfriend a long time ago that we never had a sexual or romantic relationship and that our wedding was just a joke.”
“It’s not like I talk about her or keep her photos around the house or anything similar.”
“The only times I’ve talked about her to my girlfriend is when I told her if she was okay with the tradition or if she asked me about her.”
“When I told her that I’ll keep honoring my best friend’s dying wish even if it made her uncomfortable, she left for work angry at me and hasn’t came back home yet.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA.”
“But if she’s been fine up until now then maybe she’s upset about something else?”
“Like there’s been a feeling that the relationship has fallen into complacency, so she’s lashed out at a display of you showing something else as being meaningful?” ~ amanda_mcnite
“Not to excuse her, but sometimes people are angry or upset but aren’t entirely sure why.”
“This may be the case for OP’s gf.”
“Again, not excusing her, but as this sub proves time and time again, humans are shockingly awful at communication, and understanding your feelings.” ~ attentionspanissues
“There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.”
“You get to memorialize each of the people and relationships you’ve lost in whatever way feels right to you.”
“OP chose a specific day and item associated with a good memory of their friend, and has created a small ritual to celebrate them.”
“That’s a good, healthy way to do it, and the friendship, its loss and the ritual are a core part of what makes them the person they are today.”
“If my partner got funny about my glass of port ‘with’ my dad on Christmas Eve, I’d tell them to f**k right off.”
“And go piss on someone’s Nan’s grave if they were gonna be that much of a fool about bereavement and how people choose to deal with it.” ~ quiidge
“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with memorializing a best friend that’s died.”
“Like others have said it’s not the fake marriage that’s being celebrated it’s only the day she asked to be remembered.”
“His friend asked as her literal dying wish to be thought about and visited ONE DAY per year.”
“I have friends and family that have died that I make sure to celebrate and remember in the ways they requested.”
“Their birthdays and dates that are special for other reasons.”
“OP’s GF needs to lose the attitude, calm the hell down, really consider what it’s like to lose people, and use her words.”
“If she doesn’t have the right words, then she needs to pursue help (ie therapy) to help her find them.”
“Couples therapy probably would be beneficial for this situation as well.”
“Most people that young don’t know what is like to lose a loved one.”
“Although that has changed some in the past few years.” ~ Gadgetownsme
OP had an update…
“I’ve been trying to reach her for hours now but she wouldn’t answer my calls and would just leave my texts on seen.”
“I’ve been worried about her and she just texted me a few minutes ago at 1:30 saying that she’ll be staying at a friend’s place for the week.”
“It’s been a long day and I am just exhausted.”
“Sorry for not taking the time to reply to you because I’m going to bed.”
“I’ll just paste a previous comment I made if that’s okay with you.”
“My therapist made it clear that I should be open and honest with my future partners from the start.”
“During our last sessions she said similar things about guilt, burden and being a hostage to the promise.”
“However, she told me that some wounds may never fully heal and that’s okay.”
“But If keeping this promise brings you peace or makes you connect with a departed loved one then it’s a necessary part of the process.”
“And that’s honestly is how I feel. I don’t think about her a lot so this once-in-a-year tradition is very important to me.”
“I told my girlfriend that and how that she will always come first and that my tradition is only a day (in fact it’s just a few hours) and that if there’s some kind of emergency or anything similar she will always take precedence.”
“And it’s not like I avoid her for the rest of the day or make her feel like I’m still thinking about my best friend.”
“When I come back home from the cemetery I put the scrunchie in a box that I keep away and not touch until the next year. “
“When she comes back home we always do our usual stuff.”
“I also deleted her photos a few years back from my phone (I kept copies in cloud storage but I never opened them) and put the physical ones at my parents house.”
“I understand and accept that she’s gone but I just want a few hours a year to keep honoring her wish because it also brings me peace and joy.”
“I’ve always been transparent with my girlfriend and that’s why I snapped when she used those words.”
Reddit had more thoughts…
“The level of grace that people are currently giving OP’s girlfriend is ridiculous.”
“OP is allowed to celebrate his friend on a day that was important to both of them.”
“He literally only gives her this few hours a day, once a year, to celebrate her life.”
“His girlfriend calling her a ‘dead girl’ like she’s some stranger is hurtful, rude, and completely in acceptable.”
“If she has a problem she should talk about it, not disparage the memory of OP’s friend.”
“Communication (and a big fat apology) is on her right now because she has the problem.” ~ IronikGames
“NTA, and your girlfriend is being an absolute a**hole.”
“Don’t feel bad about honoring your friend how you want to honor her.”
“Don’t doubt how you feel at all and if your girlfriend can’t understand that that’s her problem.”
“I hope the support of Reddit will help you realize that you have done nothing wrong.” ~ Imaginary-Aioli
“NAH. But don’t be held hostage by a promise for a fake marriage.”
“Even real marriages are too death do us part.”
“Celebrate your friends life the way you want in life because she is dead and does not care.”
“So if your remembrance of her brings you joy then find people that can share in that joy with you.”
“I do wonder though if your friend were able to see you having a conflict in a relationship over this what would she want you to do.”
“That’s something only you can answer.”
“I think that you haven’t talked through this with your girlfriend and there is obviously built up resentment and misunderstanding with her that discussion and conversation might fix.”
“In the end so what’s important for yourself And communicate those expectations to your GF and let the chips fall where they may.” ~ GWeb1920
OP…no matter what, Reddit is here for you.
You have your friend forever.
Hopefully you and your partner can find common ground here.