A widow is dealing with a conflict that has suddenly arisen amidst her grief while simultaneously being there for her and her late husband’s two children.
When her intentions were challenged and she was accused of being selfish, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgmemt from strangers online.
There, Redditor Dizzy_Guarantee249 asked:
“AITA for refusing to give my grandparents my late husbands life insurance payout?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (35 F[female]) husband passed away suddenly last year, leaving me and our two kids (6 M[ale], 4 F[female]) completely heartbroken. He had a life insurance policy that paid out a significant sum, and while it doesnt make up for our loss, it has given us financial security.”
“A few months ago, my in laws approached me with a request: they want me to give a portion of the money to my late husbands grandparents (his moms parents). Their reasoning is that they are struggling financially, and my husband would have wanted to help them.”
The OP continued:
“I do feel bad for them, but the thing is that they never really had a strong relationship with us. They didnt even come to our wedding, claiming it was too far, even though they travel for vacations all the time.”
“They never made much effort to be in our childrens lives either. And now, they suddenly think theyre entitled to the money my husband left for his family which, in my mind, means our kids and me.”
“My MIL has been calling me selfish, saying theyre elderly and struggling, and that I should honor my husbands memory by helping them. But I feel like this money was meant for our childrens future.”
“Its not like Im hoarding it, Ive set up college funds and am ensuring were stable. AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA – Your husbands parents are free to help out if they want. You have just gone through a horrible tragedy, and are dealing with a lot of uncertainty. You don’t know what the future will bring, and you need to provide for your kids first.” – anon
“Your husband’s wishes were to provide for his dependents. Honor those wishes – you and your kids keep the money.”
“If nothing had changed, your husband may have wanted to help our his grandparents. But, everything changed, so has everything changed.”
“Take care of you and your kids.”
“I could not imagine shorting my kids to fund their great-grandparents.” – SkeptiCallie
“Besides the trauma of losing your husband and your kids father, your husband will never able to contribute to your kids security again, never pick up the slack if you get ill or lose your job, never be able to work overtime to help pay for a child’s wedding. This is not a windfall or a lottery win.”
“He gave you a parting gift for your kids. Don’t squander it. The grandparents can get a reverse mortgage, heloc, or the parents can help out.” – bran6442
“OP absolutely do not share this money, I have new perspective on this, as I have Stage IV breast cancer, I’m not terminal, but obviously, my mortality is in front of me. I have a substantial life insurance policy, retirement savings, etc … i have made it clear that it for my husband and my 15-month-old son.”
“I have it stipulated that for my son, they must fund his 2 investment plans, 1. Education 2nd one is general investment plans.. i also willed my gold to him (worth 100 000 rn) You absolutely need to think of your future, one income with 2 kids, college and down-payment for homes coming up, cars?”
“Not to mention, just basic life expenses…. You best look after you first…. you don’t have a 2nd income right now. This is to fund your life for as long as possible… You’ve made me think if I can legally direct how they use the life insurance to avoid this exact problem.” – Elegant-Cricket8106
“I have life insurance to support my wife and kids if something happens. I would be pissed to know my parents were guilting you about this. I would also not be happy if my kid’s money went to my grandparents. I would have out them as a beneficiary if that’s what I wanted.”
“I’m pretty sure that they were probably in financial troubles while your husband was alive, yet he didn’t change any beneficiaries.” – briko3
“This sum of money can easily run out if you are not careful with it. It was not left to you by your husband for use by previous generations of your family. He left it for the future generation – your children. You must look after it. Your MIL can look after her parents.” – No-To-Newspeak
“NTA. That money was meant to support you and your kids, not extended family who made little effort to be in your lives. Your responsibility is to your children’s future, not to people who suddenly show interest when money is involved. Don’t let guilt trips sway you—you’re making the right choice.” – KissMeAgaine
“There is really only one question: did your husband include his grandparents as beneficiaries?”
“The answer clearly is ‘no’, which means that he did not intend for them to get any part of the money. If he had he could have easily included them as beneficiaries. The money is intended to care for you and the kids after losing him. Use it that way.”
“I gotta wonder about grandparents who would want to take money away from their grandkids. I have a daughter and a one yo grandson and if her husband were to die tomorrow I would not dream of her doing anything with the insurance money but trying to secure the future for her and my grandson, and I would be there helping any way I could.” – Old_Fatty_Lumpkin
“Absolutely. I just set up life insurance for myself, as I’m primary earner and my husband and two kids will need the support if I ever died. It’s so that they are taken care of.”
“It’s not winning the lottery, which is how your in laws are treating it. It’s long term money, not sudden magic now money that you yourselves don’t need. You do NEED it.”
“I set mine up with advice from a financial advisor who explained how to calculate it. I’m trying to provide for lost income. Two parent household become one. That includes retirement savings for my husband. And college funding for my kids. Paying off the mortgage. And everything in between.”
“Your in laws are grossly treating this as if you won the lottery and they are the grabby hands family you are supposed to keep it a secret from. If they don’t know exactly how much you got, don’t tell them. Sounds like cats out of the bag though.”
“If your in laws parents need help, your in laws can handle that. You have children you are responsible for. Your in laws no longer do (presumably, unless a significant age difference leaves a minor child with them still).” – believehype1616
“NTA. I’m a financial planner. You need the money to keep your house (or apartment) over your head and your kids clothed and fed for the next 2 decades. I’m sorry for your loss. And I’m also sorry that your husband’s crappy mother is trying to make your life harder for you.” – Deb_elf
“First of all, I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your children find peace, healing and love as time goes on.”
“If your husband was smart enough to prepare for such a horrific loss, you know he was doing it with you and the kids in mind. He didn’t take out life insurance and go ‘I feel so at peace knowing grandma and grandpa could go on another booze cruise!’ Use the money for your children and yourself with no guilt.”
“(and the petty part of me would offer to air the dirty laundry when your mother-in-law gives you hard time- say that you’ll ask around if people think that a recent widow with young children should give her late husband’s final gift to his grandparents so they could go on another vacation, or make sure his children are stable. Even if they weren’t financially comfortable, it’s still completely inappropriate.)” – Ok-Meeting-8588
“NTA and stay strong — they are grifters. They see an opportunity.”
“Life insurance money is meant for you and your kids. I’m guessing your husband made at least half the household income. That’s gone now and is never coming back. This money is meant to partially make up for that, at least until you find a way to make up some of the difference.”
“Putting your husband’s grandparents above your kids’ well being would make you TA. So stay away from them if needed.” – chicagoliz
Overall, Redditors advised the OP not to distribute what her husband had set aside the life insurance money for: his wife and their two children.
Redditors remained sympathetic for her loss but they insisted that she and the kids were entitled to the money for their uncertain futures, not the in-laws’ elderly parents who’ve unfortunately fallen on some hard times but should qualify for other compensatory options.