A widow is dealing with a conflict that has suddenly arisen amidst her grief while simultaneously being there for her and her late husband's two children.
When her intentions were challenged and she was accused of being selfish, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgmemt from strangers online.
There, Redditor Dizzy_Guarantee249 asked:
"AITA for refusing to give my grandparents my late husbands life insurance payout?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (35 F[female]) husband passed away suddenly last year, leaving me and our two kids (6 M[ale], 4 F[female]) completely heartbroken. He had a life insurance policy that paid out a significant sum, and while it doesnt make up for our loss, it has given us financial security."
"A few months ago, my in laws approached me with a request: they want me to give a portion of the money to my late husbands grandparents (his moms parents). Their reasoning is that they are struggling financially, and my husband would have wanted to help them."
The OP continued:
"I do feel bad for them, but the thing is that they never really had a strong relationship with us. They didnt even come to our wedding, claiming it was too far, even though they travel for vacations all the time."
"They never made much effort to be in our childrens lives either. And now, they suddenly think theyre entitled to the money my husband left for his family which, in my mind, means our kids and me."
"My MIL has been calling me selfish, saying theyre elderly and struggling, and that I should honor my husbands memory by helping them. But I feel like this money was meant for our childrens future."
"Its not like Im hoarding it, Ive set up college funds and am ensuring were stable. AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA - Your husbands parents are free to help out if they want. You have just gone through a horrible tragedy, and are dealing with a lot of uncertainty. You don't know what the future will bring, and you need to provide for your kids first." – anon
"Your husband's wishes were to provide for his dependents. Honor those wishes - you and your kids keep the money."
"If nothing had changed, your husband may have wanted to help our his grandparents. But, everything changed, so has everything changed."
"Take care of you and your kids."
"I could not imagine shorting my kids to fund their great-grandparents." – SkeptiCallie
"Besides the trauma of losing your husband and your kids father, your husband will never able to contribute to your kids security again, never pick up the slack if you get ill or lose your job, never be able to work overtime to help pay for a child's wedding. This is not a windfall or a lottery win."
"He gave you a parting gift for your kids. Don't squander it. The grandparents can get a reverse mortgage, heloc, or the parents can help out." – bran6442
"OP absolutely do not share this money, I have new perspective on this, as I have Stage IV breast cancer, I'm not terminal, but obviously, my mortality is in front of me. I have a substantial life insurance policy, retirement savings, etc ... i have made it clear that it for my husband and my 15-month-old son."
"I have it stipulated that for my son, they must fund his 2 investment plans, 1. Education 2nd one is general investment plans.. i also willed my gold to him (worth 100 000 rn) You absolutely need to think of your future, one income with 2 kids, college and down-payment for homes coming up, cars?"
"Not to mention, just basic life expenses.... You best look after you first.... you don't have a 2nd income right now. This is to fund your life for as long as possible... You've made me think if I can legally direct how they use the life insurance to avoid this exact problem." – Elegant-Cricket8106
"I have life insurance to support my wife and kids if something happens. I would be pissed to know my parents were guilting you about this. I would also not be happy if my kid's money went to my grandparents. I would have out them as a beneficiary if that's what I wanted."
"I'm pretty sure that they were probably in financial troubles while your husband was alive, yet he didn't change any beneficiaries." – briko3
"This sum of money can easily run out if you are not careful with it. It was not left to you by your husband for use by previous generations of your family. He left it for the future generation - your children. You must look after it. Your MIL can look after her parents." – No-To-Newspeak
"NTA. That money was meant to support you and your kids, not extended family who made little effort to be in your lives. Your responsibility is to your children's future, not to people who suddenly show interest when money is involved. Don't let guilt trips sway you—you're making the right choice." – KissMeAgaine
"There is really only one question: did your husband include his grandparents as beneficiaries?"
"The answer clearly is 'no', which means that he did not intend for them to get any part of the money. If he had he could have easily included them as beneficiaries. The money is intended to care for you and the kids after losing him. Use it that way."
"I gotta wonder about grandparents who would want to take money away from their grandkids. I have a daughter and a one yo grandson and if her husband were to die tomorrow I would not dream of her doing anything with the insurance money but trying to secure the future for her and my grandson, and I would be there helping any way I could." – Old_Fatty_Lumpkin
"Absolutely. I just set up life insurance for myself, as I'm primary earner and my husband and two kids will need the support if I ever died. It's so that they are taken care of."
"It's not winning the lottery, which is how your in laws are treating it. It's long term money, not sudden magic now money that you yourselves don't need. You do NEED it."
"I set mine up with advice from a financial advisor who explained how to calculate it. I'm trying to provide for lost income. Two parent household become one. That includes retirement savings for my husband. And college funding for my kids. Paying off the mortgage. And everything in between."
"Your in laws are grossly treating this as if you won the lottery and they are the grabby hands family you are supposed to keep it a secret from. If they don't know exactly how much you got, don't tell them. Sounds like cats out of the bag though."
"If your in laws parents need help, your in laws can handle that. You have children you are responsible for. Your in laws no longer do (presumably, unless a significant age difference leaves a minor child with them still)." – believehype1616
"NTA. I'm a financial planner. You need the money to keep your house (or apartment) over your head and your kids clothed and fed for the next 2 decades. I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm also sorry that your husband's crappy mother is trying to make your life harder for you." – Deb_elf
"First of all, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your children find peace, healing and love as time goes on."
"If your husband was smart enough to prepare for such a horrific loss, you know he was doing it with you and the kids in mind. He didn't take out life insurance and go 'I feel so at peace knowing grandma and grandpa could go on another booze cruise!' Use the money for your children and yourself with no guilt."
"(and the petty part of me would offer to air the dirty laundry when your mother-in-law gives you hard time- say that you'll ask around if people think that a recent widow with young children should give her late husband's final gift to his grandparents so they could go on another vacation, or make sure his children are stable. Even if they weren't financially comfortable, it's still completely inappropriate.)" – Ok-Meeting-8588
"NTA and stay strong -- they are grifters. They see an opportunity."
"Life insurance money is meant for you and your kids. I'm guessing your husband made at least half the household income. That's gone now and is never coming back. This money is meant to partially make up for that, at least until you find a way to make up some of the difference."
"Putting your husband's grandparents above your kids' well being would make you TA. So stay away from them if needed." – chicagoliz
Overall, Redditors advised the OP not to distribute what her husband had set aside the life insurance money for: his wife and their two children.
Redditors remained sympathetic for her loss but they insisted that she and the kids were entitled to the money for their uncertain futures, not the in-laws' elderly parents who've unfortunately fallen on some hard times but should qualify for other compensatory options.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.