How we mourn the loss of a loved one is something only we can dictate.
Nobody else’s playbook, timeline, or expectations can truly alter the course our head and our heart take.
But according to a recent post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit, sometimes people still offer up their two cents.
The Original Poster (OP), known as Intothemysticsky on the site, hinted at her frustrations right in the title:
“AITA for getting mad at people who expressed ‘concern’ that I want to move on?”
OP led by shedding light on a recent hardship.
“My (35-year-old female) husband (40-year-old male) passed away suddenly a little over 2 years ago.”
“He had epilepsy, had a seizure in his sleep and passed.”
“Unfortunately, because we worked opposite shifts, I was not there or able to get any sort of help. It was traumatizing and difficult, but I worked through it with lots of (online) therapy.”
She went on to divulge a little more about how she’s spent those two years.
“My husband and I worked for the same company but in different departments doing completely different jobs, but the company is one I have worked for for 10 years so I know a lot of people, including all of my husband’s former coworkers.”
“Due to the world events of the past 2 yrs, and seeing as I am in the one department that can be 100% remote, I have barely left the house since his death.”
“The only people I regularly see are my siblings, parents and on occasion, fly out to see my best friend, so I’ve lived a very solitary existence.”
But she’s felt a recent change of heart.
“However, I have decided that I need to get out and rejoin life. It’s not healthy to be alone and I do want to find someone to share my life with.”
“I started volunteering again and attending church again.”
Which brings us to the main event.
“Every year, our company sponsors an event for Christmas for underprivileged kids and I thought it would be a great way to reconnect with people from work and get out of the house.”
“A lot of people from my husband’s old department was there including ‘Lacy’ a woman he worked with and who always had a crush on him.”
It didn’t take long for some charged discussion to ensue.
“I was immediately swarmed by everyone from his department asking me how I am doing and catching up.”
“I said I am fine, and after 2 years I am ready to get back out there.”
“Lacy said ‘You don’t mean dating.’ ”
“I said ‘Possibly, I am not going to live like a nun the rest of my life.’ “
The tone changed quickly after that.
“She said it was too soon and that she is worried I am acting out of grief, and I said ‘Only I can decide that, it’s been 2 yrs and I don’t want to live like a nun.’ ”
“She flipped her sh** and said I never loved my husband and if I did I wouldn’t be moving on so quickly.”
“A couple of other people intervened at this point and redirected Lacy, and as she was leaving I said ‘Fu** you very much for your concern, I don’t want it, I don’t need it, and mind your own business. ‘ ”
Some feedback in the moment left OP reflecting on the incident.
“A couple of her coworkers said that my reply was too harsh considering she had unrequited love for my husband (I know it was unrequited, he was not interested nor would he ever had had the time to pursue anything with her.)”
“So, AITA for jumping down her throat when she told me I didn’t love my husband and I am moving on too quick?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors quickly came to OP’s support.
“NTA – First, I am sorry for your loss.”
“Second, do these people expect you mourn for the rest of your life? It’s been 2 years, which is not a short amount of time, and if you feel ready then you feel ready and it’s not for others to judge. Maybe you were a little harsh, but sometimes people need to be told.”
“((hugs)) to you.” — Catatomical
“NTA. I would have snapped as well. She had no right to make a single comment about any of this to you. And I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you enjoy this next chapter.” — Lola_M1224
“NTA. It’s not up to Lacy how long you should grieve alone – and two years is long enough in anyone’s books – except hers, apparently. Accusing you of never having loved your husband is just beyond the pale.”
“Also, why should her unrequited love for your husband be your concern? That’s something you shouldn’t even have been aware of.” — anonymous_for_this
Other people’s criticisms were more pointed and alarmed.
“NTA fu** her. this was your actual husband, the person you shared your life with vs her work crush. her obsession is unhealthy and her behaviour is abhorrent.”
“given that she has clearly lost touch with reality you may want to keep an eye on her in case she tries to sabotage you in some way.” — SnooCookies10
“NTA. She had some balls saying that. She deserved to get a harsh response back. I don’t know what these people expected, you to be nice? Lol no way, not in this situation. He was your husband, she had a stupid crush.”
“Fu** her. I’m So sorry for your loss. She had no right to say that.” — Brilliant-Constant20
“NTA she told you you did not love your husband. She can fu** right off.” — brazentory
“NTA – you better tell Lacey to mind her damn business! Her little crush on your husband meant nothing and is nothing. How dare she tell you that you didn’t love your husband. There is no time limit to grief. She was out of line and those other coworkers need to mind their business.”
“F*ck Lacey and her delusional takes on YOUR marriage and YOUR life.”
“You know what kills me, like what is an ‘appropriate time’ to move on? Like if you waited 10 years, people would say get over it he’s gone. Lacey is weird.” — Positive_Mango_2783
With Reddit’s commentary as fuel, OP can look for love again with her head held high.