Taking care of ourselves is incredibly important and can ultimately be a rewarding experience after we’ve put in the work.
But it’s hard when someone we love doesn’t support what we’re trying to do, confided the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Extreme-Extent-3242 felt pressured by their wife to stop making the healthy choices they were making because their weight loss made their wife feel insecure after having a baby.
Though they wanted to show support for their wife, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure going back to old habits was the way to do it.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for making my wife feel insecure?”
The OP worked on their health when their wife became pregnant.
“My wife gave birth 4 months ago.”
“I have been obese for a few years now. I was pre-diabetic and had a very high risk of heart disease.”
“Ever since we found out that she is pregnant, I have been trying to lose weight so that I can be healthy enough to take care of the baby.”
“I lost about 120 pounds and I have just 30 pounds to be at the normal weight for my body type.”
Their wife didn’t appreciate the change.
“My wife has been telling me that me eating healthy food and exercising, while she eats frozen or junk food all of the time and not being able to exercise due to pregnancy and birth, is making her feel insecure.”
“She said that I need to stop rubbing it in her face.”
“I even tried making extra healthy food for her but she said that she does not have the energy or time to obsess about her diet.”
“She told me to stop dieting and exercising for a while.”
“I refused because I find it hard to get motivated, and once I stop, I’ll not have the desire to restart it later on.”
“She’s saying that I’m being selfish and that she is not asking much from me.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some discouraged the OP from catering to their wife’s concerns about self-image.
“This has got nothing to do with parenting, this is all about self-image issues and the wife wanting her husband to eat unhealthy like her to make her feel better about herself, despite the fact that she doesn’t want to make changes to her eating habit to actually get healthy.” – Different-Peak-8821
“There is a difference between having a conversation and trying to sabotage someone.”
“The person who gave birth has a responsibility to express their needs beyond, ‘I can’t so you can’t.'”
“The person who didn’t give birth can listen, and together they can figure out a way to move forward so both parties are happy if the plan benefits both.” – chainlinkchipmunk
“Counseling, yes. Also? She’s the one being selfish.”
“You should stop being healthy because it’s making her feel insecure? WTF (what the f**k) is that?”
“Also, she doesn’t have to eat frozen or fast food if you’re cooking for her. What’s up with THAT?” – JadieJang
“NTA, OP. First of all, congrats on the tremendous weight loss, and you’re right, YOU CANNOT just stop or you will lose motivation, that’s true.”
“Your wife is also hormonal and you’re being SELFLESS so you can take care of the new baby.”
“But I also cannot give your wife TOO much crap because pregnancy is a stressful time and brings out insecurities as well.” – MathematicianKey7051
“??? NTA. Your pregnant wife is upset that you decided to lose weight and exercise because you were overweight and pre-diabetic and wanted to be a healthy father? I don’t know what to tell you, it’s all a bit bonkers.” – Middle_Platain_8431
Others wondered if there was behind the wife’s overwhelm than eating healthy food.
“She might need therapy or at least a check-in with her doctor.”
“But also, OP, how are you splitting the parenting workload with her? I’m wondering if this isn’t also about her feeling overwhelmed by parenting, or that she needs more time to take care of herself.” – elle-ra
“I’m wondering, is there any element of OP spending lots of time getting healthier and leaving her to the majority of the baby/home stuff?”
“I could understand her getting resentful if that’s the case. She’s tired, hormonal and needs lots of support and reassurance.” – AlvinTD
“She’s probably home all day with the kid. At 4 months, that’s such a hard thing, and then she loses him for 1-1.5 hours to the gym. Feelings of frustration coming out in the wrong ways are par for the course.”
“Her demands are inappropriate but this is a marriage. Deeper conversations have to happen.” – Ladyughsalot1
“I betcha it’s a combination of being a new mom and that seeing him eat healthily makes her feel guilty.”
“She needs to work on her mentality but you can’t really do that right during the time you’re caring for your very first newborn.”
“I hope they manage to both cut each other a lot of slack during this hard time.”
“If I were him, I’d both refuse to cave and also make an effort to really slather on the positivity, help, and compliments toward her in hopes of helping her thoughts turn in a better direction.” – Crooked-Bird-21
“I found OP’s line about cooking a bit odd here actually… did he try to make healthy food for her or did he actually make healthy food?”
“For example, did he ask her, ‘Do you want me to make chicken and carrots for dinner or maybe a salad…’ and then she was just like, ‘I’m overwhelmed right now and I don’t want to think about this’?”
“OR did he just make the healthy food and then she decided not to eat it? Because that seems very unlikely. In my experience, very rarely do new mothers deny food that they don’t have to prepare themselves.”
“On the other hand, if he’s asking her about it, that’s kind of annoying. She already has a lot going on, and adding more questions or decisions on her plate just adds to that feeling.”
“Idk (I don’t know) for sure based on how it was phrased, but instead of asking her what she wants or whether you should make healthy food or not, just say you’ll take care of dinner. That way you’re taking something off of her list of things to do/think about.” – HateItHere505
Though the OP thought they may have somehow been in the wrong because of the feelings their lifestyle change was inspiring in their wife, the subReddit wasn’t convinced.
Unless the OP was spending tremendous amounts of time away from home to exercise, which would put more pressure on their wife to care for their newborn alone, having a healthier lifestyle would actually help the OP help out more and allow their life together to last that much longer.