It's no secret that the wedding industry is a massive moneymaker and that even smaller weddings are becoming increasingly expensive to plan.
Having a loved one who is able to assist with the expenses can certainly soften the blow of preparing for the special day, rationalized the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor PuzzledPenaltys had assisted his sister by gifting her 40 thousand dollars to play her dream wedding eight years prior.
Since it was a gift, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when his wife proposed asking for the money back when his sister was going through a divorce.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for not taking back the money I contributed to my sister's wedding eight years ago, even though my wife is asking me to?"
The OP contributed a substantial to his sister's wedding.
"Eight years ago, I contributed about $40k to my sister's wedding."
"It was a gift from me, and I understood it was a big gift, but I just wanted her to have a great wedding."
"I made it clear multiple times to my sister that I did not expect any repayment, and that I just wanted her to have a good time."
"Since we were kids, she had always talked about having a picturesque wedding."
"My wife was understandably not the biggest fan of me giving that much money as a gift, but the money ultimately came from my individual account so I had the final say in it."
The OP's wife had an idea when his sister went through her divorce.
"My sister and her ex finalized their divorce proceedings last month, and my wife has been asking me to ask my sister for repayment because their marriage did not pan out."
"I told my wife that their marriage not panning out is irrelevant to my gift. While her marriage didn't work out, I am glad she got the wedding she always dreamed about."
"My gift was for my sister to have her dream wedding, and her wedding was great. How their marriage panned out later is irrelevant."
"We are financially very comfortable, and we have absolutely no need for $40k."
"Am I the AH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his wife was wrong to want the money back.
"There must be something wrong with a spouse who seriously entertains asking back for a wedding gift eight years later."
"Eight days? Sure, that's an annulment. Eight weeks? Hmmmm... a puzzler. Eight months? Nope already." - praesentibus
"The way asking this is kicking someone when they're down is just pure evil, and flat-out abusive. It's like saying, 'Remember when we paid x so you can be even happier marrying this guy? Now that you are unhappy by divorcing this guy, we'd like to make your unhappiness all round and full for you by asking for our x amount back!'"
"OP, your wife has serious issues, it's like she's been waiting to kick your sister or it might hurt all these years. This amount of venom in someone's heart and brain is just alarming." - the-freaking-realist
"This is a very strange position for your wife to take, especially if you guys don't need the money."
"She either has a mean streak that you have not noticed, or she truly dislikes your sister." - RanaEire
"NTA."
"This was a gift, not some sort of investment or loan they defaulted on. Personally, I can't imagine just giving $40,000 to someone like that but you and I may be apparently are simply in completely different tax brackets which is fine."
"Nevertheless, if I contributed $4000 or $400 or $40 to a sibling's wedding, I would never even think of asking it back because they eventually ended up divorcing. So I am solidly in your camp here. A gift is given with no expectation of repayment or reciprocity. Otherwise, it isn't a gift. It's a business transaction." - Sylvurphlame
"Not even then. A wedding is essentially a party. His 40K paid for decor, food, alcool, flowers, the DJ... The party happened, the guests were entertained, and the 40K was successfully spent. No take back! End of discussion!" - Vero_Goudreau
"I have a sibling, have given money as a gift for an engagement party that never made it to a wedding, another wedding gift for a marriage that ended in divorce. I didn't get him anything for the next, or last wedding."
"But everyone is happy about the last marriage. The money is a gift. You don't take back gifts." - MsSamm
"I believe in marriage being for life, except in certain circumstances like adultery, but even I don't think eight years is 'I told you so' worthy."
"Eight months, sure. That's a quickie marriage. But, eight years is a pretty long time. Besides, if the guy is cheating on her is she just supposed to put up with it just so her sister-in-law won't say anything?"
"Usually, it takes two people to break up a marriage just like it took two people to create one. But, sometimes, it really is just one person's fault, and the other spouse shouldn't be expected to put up with constant disrespect or abuse." - Tiamat_fire_and_ice
"NTA for not taking it back. I don't think your wife understands what a gift is..."
"That said, it does seem wild to me to make a unilateral decision to spend $40k on something without your spouse's buy-in, even from an 'individual account.'"
"You say the $40k has no impact on your current finances, but did it have an impact on your finances eight years ago when you initially gifted it?" - No-Delay-195
"NTA, regardless of the amount. You gave it as a gift, and asking for it back after your sister went through a major emotional hardship would be tacky and cruel."
"You and your wife clearly need to get on the same page about your financial expectations from EACH OTHER, but your sister and her current marital status have no part in that." - WizBiz92
"Your sister's dealing with her marriage ending, and your wife basically wants to kick her hard when she's down."
"Does she ask for wedding gift refunds when her friends divorce?"
"NTA, but your wife totally lacks empathy." - OceanBreeze_123
"NTA, but if I was in your shoes, I'd be taking a hard look at my wife's behavior. Because who the f**k hears someone is getting divorced, one of the most financially turbulent times for a lot of people, and thinks, 'Oh, this is the perfect time to demand she return the money she was assured multiple times was a gift, not a loan, and was never even my money to begin with'? That's psychotic."
"The ONLY way I could ever justify asking for that money back would be if your sister had pulled a Kim Kardashian 72-hour marriage situation. But assuming your sister was married longer than a year, there's no justification for asking for the money contributed to a wedding back."
"Imagine if she pulled the same thing with any other wedding gift. Like, 'Hello, I heard you got divorced. That's so sad; anyway, you can feel free to send me that blender I got you for your wedding back at any time.' It sounds crazy because it is!" - Hdaxter13
But there were some who understood why the OP's wife might want it back.
"This whole post is so crazy to me. Imagine not needing 40k. Imagine just giving it to someone. Like, not only that but then to use it on a wedding?!?!" - SonnyRyann
"This is a big deposit on a house. It doesn't matter if it was your own account. If I was married and my wife did, then it's probably us getting a divorce." - mustang19671967
"NTA but also, you're the AH, because what??????"
"I don't think you should ask for the money back, but you also should consider your wife's feelings when making decisions like that even if it is from your individual account when the sum is that large." - Difficult_Mood_3225
"First, why the f**k are people stupid enough to spend $40k on a wedding if they can't afford it themselves? Second, if my wife were opposed to me giving away $40k, I 1000% would not give away that money."
"That is you putting someone else's marriage before yours. Whether it's your sister or not, your wife's opinion should come first. In my opinion, YTA." - Aeosin15
"I'm close to everyone here sucks (ESH). You for being married but not taking your wife's (reasonable) opinion into account before gifting that money. That's yours to do if she's consented to separate finances but no wonder your wife resents everyone for it."
"Your sister for accepting that much money and spending presumably considerably more than that on a single day simply because she had a girlish fantasy of an elaborate wedding."
"And your wife for even considering asking for it back, which is mental." - flindersandtrim
A few joked about what the world would be like if we all expected failed wedding gifts back.
"I now have this mental image of a new divorce ritual where everyone who attended the wedding gets two hours in the divorcee's home to take back all the wedding gifts they gave before the papers can be signed." - painless44
"In your scenario, are we searching for our own gift? Or are we doing a Supermarket Sweep style, where we get anything/as much as we can that equals our gift amount?" - longhorsewang
"Auntie Edna gets first pick of any gift though as she one the 'I said it would never work!'" - JohnTitorsdaughter
"And just like that, a new reality show is born, lol (laughing out loud)!" - poet_andknowit
The subReddit was divided over this situation, as most could not imagine asking for a wedding gift back from someone during one of their life's darkest moments, but there were some who could not imagine spending the moment in the first place, left alone if their partner was not fully on board.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.