It’s no secret that the wedding industry is a massive moneymaker and that even smaller weddings are becoming increasingly expensive to plan.
Having a loved one who is able to assist with the expenses can certainly soften the blow of preparing for the special day, rationalized the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor PuzzledPenaltys had assisted his sister by gifting her 40 thousand dollars to play her dream wedding eight years prior.
Since it was a gift, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when his wife proposed asking for the money back when his sister was going through a divorce.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for not taking back the money I contributed to my sister’s wedding eight years ago, even though my wife is asking me to?”
The OP contributed a substantial to his sister’s wedding.
“Eight years ago, I contributed about $40k to my sister’s wedding.”
“It was a gift from me, and I understood it was a big gift, but I just wanted her to have a great wedding.”
“I made it clear multiple times to my sister that I did not expect any repayment, and that I just wanted her to have a good time.”
“Since we were kids, she had always talked about having a picturesque wedding.”
“My wife was understandably not the biggest fan of me giving that much money as a gift, but the money ultimately came from my individual account so I had the final say in it.”
The OP’s wife had an idea when his sister went through her divorce.
“My sister and her ex finalized their divorce proceedings last month, and my wife has been asking me to ask my sister for repayment because their marriage did not pan out.”
“I told my wife that their marriage not panning out is irrelevant to my gift. While her marriage didn’t work out, I am glad she got the wedding she always dreamed about.”
“My gift was for my sister to have her dream wedding, and her wedding was great. How their marriage panned out later is irrelevant.”
“We are financially very comfortable, and we have absolutely no need for $40k.”
“Am I the AH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his wife was wrong to want the money back.
“There must be something wrong with a spouse who seriously entertains asking back for a wedding gift eight years later.”
“Eight days? Sure, that’s an annulment. Eight weeks? Hmmmm… a puzzler. Eight months? Nope already.” – praesentibus
“The way asking this is kicking someone when they’re down is just pure evil, and flat-out abusive. It’s like saying, ‘Remember when we paid x so you can be even happier marrying this guy? Now that you are unhappy by divorcing this guy, we’d like to make your unhappiness all round and full for you by asking for our x amount back!'”
“OP, your wife has serious issues, it’s like she’s been waiting to kick your sister or it might hurt all these years. This amount of venom in someone’s heart and brain is just alarming.” – the-freaking-realist
“This is a very strange position for your wife to take, especially if you guys don’t need the money.”
“She either has a mean streak that you have not noticed, or she truly dislikes your sister.” – RanaEire
“NTA.”
“This was a gift, not some sort of investment or loan they defaulted on. Personally, I can’t imagine just giving $40,000 to someone like that but you and I may be apparently are simply in completely different tax brackets which is fine.”
“Nevertheless, if I contributed $4000 or $400 or $40 to a sibling’s wedding, I would never even think of asking it back because they eventually ended up divorcing. So I am solidly in your camp here. A gift is given with no expectation of repayment or reciprocity. Otherwise, it isn’t a gift. It’s a business transaction.” – Sylvurphlame
“Not even then. A wedding is essentially a party. His 40K paid for decor, food, alcool, flowers, the DJ… The party happened, the guests were entertained, and the 40K was successfully spent. No take back! End of discussion!” – Vero_Goudreau
“I have a sibling, have given money as a gift for an engagement party that never made it to a wedding, another wedding gift for a marriage that ended in divorce. I didn’t get him anything for the next, or last wedding.”
“But everyone is happy about the last marriage. The money is a gift. You don’t take back gifts.” – MsSamm
“I believe in marriage being for life, except in certain circumstances like adultery, but even I don’t think eight years is ‘I told you so’ worthy.”
“Eight months, sure. That’s a quickie marriage. But, eight years is a pretty long time. Besides, if the guy is cheating on her is she just supposed to put up with it just so her sister-in-law won’t say anything?”
“Usually, it takes two people to break up a marriage just like it took two people to create one. But, sometimes, it really is just one person’s fault, and the other spouse shouldn’t be expected to put up with constant disrespect or abuse.” – Tiamat_fire_and_ice
“NTA for not taking it back. I don’t think your wife understands what a gift is…”
“That said, it does seem wild to me to make a unilateral decision to spend $40k on something without your spouse’s buy-in, even from an ‘individual account.'”
“You say the $40k has no impact on your current finances, but did it have an impact on your finances eight years ago when you initially gifted it?” – No-Delay-195
“NTA, regardless of the amount. You gave it as a gift, and asking for it back after your sister went through a major emotional hardship would be tacky and cruel.”
“You and your wife clearly need to get on the same page about your financial expectations from EACH OTHER, but your sister and her current marital status have no part in that.” – WizBiz92
“Your sister’s dealing with her marriage ending, and your wife basically wants to kick her hard when she’s down.”
“Does she ask for wedding gift refunds when her friends divorce?”
“NTA, but your wife totally lacks empathy.” – OceanBreeze_123
“NTA, but if I was in your shoes, I’d be taking a hard look at my wife’s behavior. Because who the f**k hears someone is getting divorced, one of the most financially turbulent times for a lot of people, and thinks, ‘Oh, this is the perfect time to demand she return the money she was assured multiple times was a gift, not a loan, and was never even my money to begin with’? That’s psychotic.”
“The ONLY way I could ever justify asking for that money back would be if your sister had pulled a Kim Kardashian 72-hour marriage situation. But assuming your sister was married longer than a year, there’s no justification for asking for the money contributed to a wedding back.”
“Imagine if she pulled the same thing with any other wedding gift. Like, ‘Hello, I heard you got divorced. That’s so sad; anyway, you can feel free to send me that blender I got you for your wedding back at any time.’ It sounds crazy because it is!” – Hdaxter13
But there were some who understood why the OP’s wife might want it back.
“This whole post is so crazy to me. Imagine not needing 40k. Imagine just giving it to someone. Like, not only that but then to use it on a wedding?!?!” – SonnyRyann
“This is a big deposit on a house. It doesn’t matter if it was your own account. If I was married and my wife did, then it’s probably us getting a divorce.” – mustang19671967
“NTA but also, you’re the AH, because what??????”
“I don’t think you should ask for the money back, but you also should consider your wife’s feelings when making decisions like that even if it is from your individual account when the sum is that large.” – Difficult_Mood_3225
“First, why the f**k are people stupid enough to spend $40k on a wedding if they can’t afford it themselves? Second, if my wife were opposed to me giving away $40k, I 1000% would not give away that money.”
“That is you putting someone else’s marriage before yours. Whether it’s your sister or not, your wife’s opinion should come first. In my opinion, YTA.” – Aeosin15
“I’m close to everyone here sucks (ESH). You for being married but not taking your wife’s (reasonable) opinion into account before gifting that money. That’s yours to do if she’s consented to separate finances but no wonder your wife resents everyone for it.”
“Your sister for accepting that much money and spending presumably considerably more than that on a single day simply because she had a girlish fantasy of an elaborate wedding.”
“And your wife for even considering asking for it back, which is mental.” – flindersandtrim
A few joked about what the world would be like if we all expected failed wedding gifts back.
“I now have this mental image of a new divorce ritual where everyone who attended the wedding gets two hours in the divorcee’s home to take back all the wedding gifts they gave before the papers can be signed.” – painless44
“In your scenario, are we searching for our own gift? Or are we doing a Supermarket Sweep style, where we get anything/as much as we can that equals our gift amount?” – longhorsewang
“Auntie Edna gets first pick of any gift though as she one the ‘I said it would never work!’” – JohnTitorsdaughter
“And just like that, a new reality show is born, lol (laughing out loud)!” – poet_andknowit
The subReddit was divided over this situation, as most could not imagine asking for a wedding gift back from someone during one of their life’s darkest moments, but there were some who could not imagine spending the moment in the first place, left alone if their partner was not fully on board.