It’s 2023, and we can all agree how important self-expressive and personal autonomy are.
How we visually represent ourselves, like with makeup or clothes, doesn’t hurt anyone else at the end of the day, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, but sometimes, context does matter.
Redditor Kinsey_Rose had noticed that his wife was becoming increasingly relaxed in her apparel choices, especially in wearing revealing clothes around his conservative family.
When his mother confided him about her discomfort in seeing his wife’s clothes, the Original Poster (OP) honestly wasn’t surprised.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for asking my wife to stop wearing revealing clothes in front of my mom?”
The OP’s mother was becoming concerned about his wife’s revealing clothes.
“My (26 Male) wife (28 Female) wears revealing clothes whenever she is with my family, whenever we go on a family outing, out to dinner, etc.”
“I don’t mind much, but recently, my mom asked me about my wife’s dressing sense.”
“And she has a point. When we were dating, my wife used to wear such outfits only when we were going on dates or at beaches, but now, she is wearing these outfits on almost a daily basis.”
Even the OP was beginning to question his wife’s apparel choices.
“For instance, we recently went to a family function, and my wife decided to wear a dress with long side slits, and her undies were totally visible to everyone, and she was okay with it.”
“She’s also worn mesh-style dresses that show off her underwear, etc. You get my point, right?”
“On a family trip with my mom, she decided to wear a micro bikini (which made my mom very uncomfortable because it was actually really skimpy). But she did not care at all to at least wrap a towel around when not in water.”
The OP’s wife also recently tried to dress her mother-in-law more like her.
“And I lost my s**t when recently she decided to make my mom ‘fashionable’ and took her shopping and made my mom try and wear fashion sports bras and skinny tight shorts, and she convinced my mom to wear it with her on shopping.”
“For her happiness, my mom agreed.”
“But my mom is from a religious background and is very submissive. She’s never shown that much skin in her life!”
“She never said or did anything to my wife or me that could hurt my wife or embarrass her like this.”
“Later, my mom told me all about it on the phone and confided how embarrassed she felt.”
“I confronted my wife about it, and she said I am overreacting and that my mom also needs to open up.”
“Am I the a**hole here to tell my wife this?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the wife could be an individual while dressing appropriately for the occasion.
“A dress that reveals your underwear is not appropriate for family dinner. No reasonable adult would misunderstand that basic social decorum.”
“OP’s wife can dress for the club all she wants, but legality isn’t the line for whether or not the outfit is appropriate, nor is it a defense for being an a**hole.” – magikatdazoo
“I’d add that even if you’re not a modest person but your in-laws are, then you should consider that when entering their space (family function).”
“In public, with friends or with your partner, then you can wear whatever you want, but if you know your partner’s family is more reserved, then be courteous enough to respect that.” – -Fluffer_Nutter-
“According to a lot of mentally 12-year-olds on this subReddit, they should dress the way they want because ‘it’s their right.’ Uh, and yeah, if you get kicked out of work or a function because your right made you dress inappropriately, that’s a right, too.” – Jjs_Denmom
“There’s nothing wrong with wearing skimpy clothes, but there’s a time and place for everything. Family dinner with the in-laws is not the place to show off your underwear. NTA.” – orchidofthefuture
“It’s completely reasonable to ask your partner to tone it down when around conservative family members at a family function. I think it’s very unreasonable to insist that you wear revealing clothes at a family dinner with your partner’s parents who will feel uncomfortable. Context matters.” – wheresindigo
But others were critical of the OP for trying to control what his wife was wearing.
“YTA. She’s wearing her normal, daily clothes. It’s what she wants to wear and likes. You only had a problem when your mom get mad? Yikes.” – Specific-Garlic-1036
“YTA. She isn’t naked all her parts are covered. We were not born fully dressed!” – Artistic_Tough5005
“ESH. It’s not on your wife to tone down her look. Her look is what it is so she can wear whatever she wants.”
“And what’s this stuff about covering up on the beach when not in the water? Nah, it’s a beach!”
“However, she shouldn’t force her style on your mum. That’s a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed.” – Top_Barnacle9669
“YTA. Defend your wife and tell your mom to mind her own business and body.” – ItsLikeRayEAyn
“I understand your mom. Please consider what you say. Your mom didn’t want to hurt your wife’s feelings. Does your mom know you confronted your wife?”
“Would your mom be comfortable with that, since she didn’t want to hurt your wife’s feelings? I’m guessing that ship has now sailed and you sent it to sea. Then again, why did your mom tell you this if she didn’t want to or expect this story to make a full circle?”
“So maybe calm down a little, and try to find some common ground with your wife where you both try to understand the other instead of bullying.” – DotBlack_
Some were similarly critical of the OP’s mother’s inability to stand up for herself at all.
“OP, is your wife really ‘forcing’ your mother into trying on clothes? Are you actually worried about a future in which your wife somehow hypnotizes your mom into sporting a ‘micro bikini,’ as you say you are?”
“I gotta say, this sounds like a mom problem more than a wife problem.”
“Your mom, no matter how accommodating she might normally be, is certainly capable of sticking up for herself and not crossing her own boundaries, whether they be religious, moral, or preference-based.”
“Also, your mom needs to talk to her DIL (Daughter-in-Law) directly, with kindness, and, instead of demanding anything, ask her in a generous and hopeful way if the two of them could come up with a compromise or truce in regard to their different styles.”
“And, it sounds like you and your spouse could use a set-aside time in order to talk about how both of you feel on this issue. If you can’t manage a calm and cheerfully honest conversation about her evolving style, then make an investment in some couples counseling. This is not a horribly difficult issue to come to terms on, but if you don’t deal with it directly, it could easily fester, and become a bigger deal than it deserves to be.”
“YTA for ‘losing your s**t.’ But you can regain your s**t with a little effort and good humor, and soon, there will be NAH.” – See-u-tomahto
“ESH.”
“You knew what your wife liked to wear: you can’t act all surprised now. Presumably, you enjoyed it as you all are married now.”
“Your wife is insensitive. You can be hot and proud of your body and still know it’s inappropriate to wear a micro bikini, etc., around older people. Or for older people to wear it. She should be old enough at nearly thirty to dress appropriately for the occasion.”
“Your mother is also not getting away scot-free. She should never come crying to you for being unable to stand up for herself. She should get help with that. And not try to break apart you and your wife. That’s not a very religious thing to do.” – LivsLivesLife
“YTA, OP.”
“You were fine with your wife dressing like this before you married her. What changes now?”
“Is your mom genuinely upset about how she dresses, or dressing like that for a shopping outing? If no one else said anything about your wife dressing inappropriately on the big family outing, I suspect it’s a you issue, and your mom is just saying something to come across as supportive to you.” – lizzylou365
“YTA. Your mom needs to get over herself. She also needs to set boundaries with your wife. If she doesn’t want to dress that way, then don’t.”
“Her saying she didn’t say no to make your wife happy but came running to you about it, that is very contradicting. Why would she say something if she wanted to make your wife happy?”
“Obviously by saying something to you, she would cause issues between you and your wife. Your mom is sounding manipulative.” – lilwildjess
The OP was not convinced by the negative comments.
“Based on the comments that I am getting, it seems people can even justify even if my wife decided to go totally naked in public. And even then, people would judge me for asking her to dress normally?”
“And if one day she forced my mom to wear one of her micro bikinis, then it will also be my mom’s fault, right?”
The subReddit was thoroughly frustrated by this situation, but no one could agree about who to be frustrated with. Some thought the wife needed to be more contextually sensitive and based appropriately, regarding where she was and who she was spending time with.
But others argued that it was the OP’s body, and she should be able to dress however she wanted, no matter how the OP’s mother felt.
Then there were those who felt the OP’s mother was using her submissiveness as a crutch, and perhaps she was using her daughter-in-law’s latest apparel choices as a means to drive a wedge between the couple.
No matter which theory was correct, it was clear some discussions needed to happen before any more family functions occur.